For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge

[TimeForMe]

After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in touch with my local refuge who were equally as wonderful. Within half an hour of making the call I was found a place in a refuge which I gratefully accepted. I had a few things to organise so arranged to go in the next day. A mini bus was sent to collect me, DD and all the belongings we could manage to take. Upon arriving I was greeted with a smile and a welcome cup of coffee. All my belongings were unloaded and taken up to our room. DD was shown around by the child support worker then taken to the play room where she had a brilliant time playing while I had a weep and a chat and filled in all the paperwork. From the moment we stepped inside that door DD and I were supported and taken care of like never before. From that moment I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was like stepping into heaven.

For years I had thought about ringing Women's Aid and asking for help but the thought of a refuge put me off. I had a vision in my mind of what it would be like, the kind of people that would be in there. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and I have our own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. We share a lounge with the other ladies in there along with a laundry room which has the most fantastic washing machine and dryer!! The refuge is clean, it's warm and it's wonderful! The support workers are fantastic and have helped me every step of the way with everything, claiming benefits, housing applications, counselling and supporting DD. Whatever I need they provide.

The main reason I put off going into a refuge was because of DD, I was worried about how it would affect her. How I wish I hadn't worried and had done it sooner. DD has flourished. Away from the abuse and the tension in the house she has really grown in confidence and is a happy, smiling, laughing little girl. I thought I was protecting her from the abuse, I thought I hid it well but since moving to the refuge, since seeing the changes in her I now know different. I wasn't really protecting her, she was, in her own little way, taking care of me. Now she has a happy, relaxed mummy she has no need to do that and so can enjoy being a little girl, probably for the first time in her seven years. It's wonderful to see

The reason I wanted to start this thread was to try to reassure anyone who thinks they are trapped in an abusive relationship, really not wanting to go into a refuge, they have nothing at all to worry about. Nothing to lose but everything to gain. You won't be judged, you won't be questioned, you will be welcomed with open arms and taken care of. You will be free to talk until your heart is content and cry as much as you like. You will have someone who understands what you are going through and all those problems you thought were too big to handle will suddenly seem small because you will have someone to share them with, someone to help you. You won't have to answer to anyone, you can come and go as you please, totally free of abuse.

You can stay as long as you like too. The support workers are just that, support workers. They don't try to influence you either way. If it's just a break from the abuse you need and then you choose to go back, that's fine. If the relationship is over and you want to stay until you are rehoused then that is fine too. It may be that for the first time in a long time the decisions are all yours, you are in control of your life!

If you are in an abusive relationship, tolerating it because you think you have no choice, because you think a refuge isn't for you, I hope my post has helped you in some way. I didn't think a refuge was for me either but it turns out that it is more of a home than the house I lived in ever was.

Wow from me too! The pure fear of the unknown must hold so many back from leaving, what an inspiring post!! And with an update!!

What a lovely heartwarming post. Obviously I don’t know either you or your daughter but I feel so happy you have found love and support. I am sure your life will go from strength to strength and your lovely daughter will benefit every day for you having the courage to do what you did.
Thank you for sharing and hopefully giving other women the courage to do the same
Wishing you all wonderful things for 2019 xx

Wow.. I needed to read that. However, I don't know whether it's geographically specific, but I was told by Womensaid not to go into a shelter if I could, as it was 'grim' in my area. Maybe you got a great one. For that I'm glad for you and your daughter. I suspect my area is not as good.... Purely because of how many women are in the same position as me and the sheer exhaustion of resources.

It has scared me sh*tless..

I think the top line was 'if you're not getting battered senseless and you're capable of earning? Try something else'.

Left me quite bereft as to try anything out of the system requires family and money.

I am truly happy for you though. It's a positive story that should be applauded.

Your bravery is exemplary x

Much love and best wishes to you and your little one x

Hello everyone, and thank you again for your lovely words, they are very much appreciated.

@SanitysSake I'm so sorry your experience wasn't as positive as mine. However, I feel I must add, although the refuge itself wasn't 'grim' it also wasn't perfect. But, it was heaven to me. It was clean, it had everything we needed but it truly wasn't about the walls and the carpets or the fixtures and fittings, it was about having the space to breathe, (I felt I hadn't been able to breathe properly for years) the space to think for myself and the space to heal. I had a roof over my head but I also had support and guidance from people who understood everything I had gone through. THAT was the most important factor.

I can't help but feel you may have been badly advised, and that saddens me. Even 'grim' is a better option for some when you are being abused in every way possible. Everyone has the right to live free from abuse and everyone has the right to be free from potential or actual harm, whether you are capable of earning or not.

In the area I live now we have a local domestic violence group, a charity that supports women and children by providing wonderful services including refuge accommodation, outreach services, and 24 hour advice. Do you have anything similar in your area? Perhaps they would prove more helpful. I'm lucky in that I've not needed their services for a number of years now but they are my chosen charity and I support them only in small ways but I feel I am paying something back for the investment made in me and my DD at a time when we needed it.

Please, don't be put off by the words of a person who most likely isn't living with abuse, who appears to be projecting their own feelings of refuge in your area. Refuge isn't ever a great place to find yourself in, but you know what, it's what you make it. Take the space, for taking the space leads to support and understanding which is far more important than surroundings when you are at your lowest and don't know which way to turn.

Thank you SanitysSake for your lovely words and kindness towards me and DD. Love and best wishes to you too and I hope 2019 is YOUR year!

For anyone else reading, feeling that same sadness, confusion and exhaustion I can so readily relate to, I hope 2019 is YOUR year too! Thinking of you all X

Your post made me cry - how uplifting and I wish you all the happiness you clearly deserve.
But ... without children there really is no way out.

@ALS36

I've tagged you after reading your post. Thought folks on this thread and the post itself might help you?

Thank you so much for this post 😪 it’s got me in tears, so much has happened in my 7 years with H that I’ve doubted the abuse and brush it off.
Your post has really helped me, thank you so much and well done for being so brave and I’m really happy you and little one are now well and looked after as you both deserve take care xx

@Lifehappens1991 I believe in you, I hope you believe in you too. Don't doubt the abuse, feel it, and tell yourself you do not deserve it! Because you don't. Wishing you love and strength.

Thank you everyone for your very kind words. Wishing you all a wonderful New Years Eve and a 2019 full of promise

TimeformeandDD

My heart had just shattered into pieces reading how your DD had gave you the £2 from her banky. I am too a victim of this kind of abuse. But tonight I have seen the woods from the trees. I have been living in a fog unable to see all this abuse. I will call WA as soon as I can and get out of here. You are such an inspiration to me and I know many many others, thank you so much for sharing your story xx

@Lifehappens1991 I am so happy to read your post! Please, do search for domestic violence services within your local area too, who will be able to help you. Keep that determination to leave and do not allow yourself to be deterred! You are about to embark on a life changing journey and I send you love and strength

Wow your post has me crying too. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have gone through the tunnel and this is giving me strength.

Did your DD have to change schools? Does you ex have contact with your DD anymore, or speak to you?

Hello ladies,

I am in an abusive relationship and am planning to leave ASAP. I will contact WA in the next few days and hopefully will be able to have a place for me and my lb.
my question is what about the home I'm leaving behind? Our belongings ? How much should I take? I'm just overwhelmed at the thought of leaving it all behind.

My main concern is my son will miss his room and toys etc.

Has anyone here left through WA and been able to enter there old home for there possessions?

Thank you xx

Hi @louisianna36* I'm pleased the thread is giving you strength

Yes, DD did have to change schools but she experienced no detriment as a result of this, in fact, on her first day at her new school she came out to meet me and said "I can't stop smiling mummy". That filled my heart with joy and is a moment I will never forget.

Once I left and the ex had lost his control over me, he used the court system to continue his abuse. Firstly, he took me to court for changing DD's school without his knowledge, however, I had proof of his consent so the judge blasted him for that and threw the case out. However, just as we were leaving the court, his solicitor tapped mine on the shoulder and informed him they would be returning to court for contact. I have no idea what he had told his solicitor as I had never stopped contact, I hadn't needed to as he had shown little interest in spending time with DD after we left.

He was awarded contact every other weekend and a mid week sleepover every week, however, he didn't always stick to it, eventually reducing it to just 2 hours a week.

But this is where I feel we were failed. All concerned were aware of the abuse, the CAFCASS officer met with him during her assessment and although she was supportive, suggesting he was a narcissist and DD could be at risk, unsupervised contact was ordered.

Unfortunately, as DD got older he tried to control her in the same way as he did me, choosing her food, negative and disparaging comments about her weight, her intelligence, her clothes etc.

I was advised to support DD as much as possible throughout contact, reminding her of what a healthy relationship and healthy boundaries are, encouraging her not to accept any behaviours which caused her to feel uncomfortable. Which is what I did. We've had some tearful conversations where DD has questioned why she hasn't got a 'normal dad' like her friends have. As I've explained to her, DD has an ideal of what a dad should be and expected that of her own father, however, he isn't capable of being that person, and to expect it leads to heartbreaking disappointment. Now she is older she is able to understand that but I know it still hurts her.

DD no longer see's her father. She cut contact and changed her surname by deed poll as soon as she was old enough and we were no longer under obligation of the court order. No pressure from me whatsoever as this has been a process she has had to work through and come to her own conclusions. I have supported her completely without influencing her opinions or decisions.

It's been difficult at times but in my mind, it's all been a part of breaking that cycle of abuse, being able to recognise behaviours that are not acceptable, that cause the 'fight or flight' instinct, and acting upon them. I don't want DD to make the same mistakes I did, I want for her to have the confidence to trust her own mind and act upon it. My own abuse started with my mother, I became conditioned to accept it, bury feelings I shouldn't have, believing I was responsible for causing my mother to treat me the way she did. I did the same with DD's father but I have done everything within my power to ensure that DD doesn't fall into the same trap.

Hi Lifehappens1991 I had the same concerns as you. I didn't actually have very much of my own but what I did have was precious to me. I explained to WA that if I left anything behind he would trash it or take it to the tip (which he often did with my belongings!) They completely understood this and booked a mini bus to come and pick us up so I could take as much as I could fit in it.

You will have support with entering your home if you need to, don't worry about that The support workers will help you with all of that. In fact, when you call them, ask the question, ask as many questions as you need to, they will have the answers.

With regard to your son, he may miss his room and toys, he also may not. He may be like my DD and blossom, just be happy to see his mummy happy. I asked my DD what she would like to take with us to our 'little flat' and gave her a box to fill with whatever she wanted. The only thing she chose to take was her teddy bear and her Nintendo DSi!

If you are concerned about leaving you could ask about an Occupation Order which will allow you to stay in your home. Not knowing your circumstances, I'm not sure if this would be appropriate but maybe something you could look at as an option.

Great MNHQ, thanks for stickying this thread.

I can see it's already helping people.

You are an inspiration to so many women reading this. Thank you for sharing this heart warming story.

Women's Aid are an absolute godsend aren't they. They have been helping and supporting me for a while now. It took me decades to understand the extent of my ex husband's behaviour. It is now about 7 years since I first posted here about what was happening to me. It took several more years for the information to sink in. When people were telling me what a dangerous situation I was in, I didn't see it. Now I have a clear understanding of how (mostly) women are murdered by their partners or ex partners and why I should have good reason to be afraid. So much has changed and it is wonderful and reassuring to read that other womens lives have changed too.

My ex's CAFCASS application reads like a confession. There is not a nugget of truth in it. None the less it is still alarming as there is no telling who the CAFCASS officer will be or whether or not they will be any good at their job. I have done nothing to prevent the children seeing their father. I have told them that they are free to see him as soon as they have done what needs to be done at home.

Oh what a wonderful outcome x

Wow 😮
I hope you did that blog.
This shows how strong women really are despite awful circumstances.
With support you and your daughter are living proof how a life , 2,lives can be turned around.
I know it wasn't easy but this strength is in every woman.
Great thread.
Well done !

I wish I had the guts to do the same, but I don't want to leave all my children's toys and furniture behind.

Even if you're not ready to leave, marieneedsaholiday, please contact Women's Aid anyway. They will listen to you and understand what you are going through. They will not put you under any pressure to leave. They will help you articulate what you is happening and one day, when you decide enough is enough they will support you through the process. I never thought it would happen to me. I just thought I was in a shit marriage. The truth was far far worse.

Thank you. I will contact them once he's out the house, I have learnt some horrible things about him and I'm scared. His ex did him for harassment. I know this from doing some snooping. He can be so nice and kind one moment then so abusive emotionally the next. I worry about moving my children again from their schools, from their home. It will be so confusing for them. He isn't my children's father and they are 3 and 6.

We worry about our children all the time. It won't be nearly as bad as you think for them and in the longer term staying will be far worse. I was not able to leave when the children were small. We still moved a lot and the children's primary education was all over the place. The most important thing at the moment is that you and kids are safe. When you start speaking to Women's Aid they will help you to make a safety plan. The police should provide support as well. Often they are a gateway to help in the same way as a gp. Abusers behave in predictable ways and leaving one is a particularly dangerous time. Please do not do this alone. It's a treacherous path and not one anyone would chose. There are fantastic guides along the way to stop us from falling and you are absolutely not alone.