For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge

[TimeForMe]

After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in touch with my local refuge who were equally as wonderful. Within half an hour of making the call I was found a place in a refuge which I gratefully accepted. I had a few things to organise so arranged to go in the next day. A mini bus was sent to collect me, DD and all the belongings we could manage to take. Upon arriving I was greeted with a smile and a welcome cup of coffee. All my belongings were unloaded and taken up to our room. DD was shown around by the child support worker then taken to the play room where she had a brilliant time playing while I had a weep and a chat and filled in all the paperwork. From the moment we stepped inside that door DD and I were supported and taken care of like never before. From that moment I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was like stepping into heaven.

For years I had thought about ringing Women's Aid and asking for help but the thought of a refuge put me off. I had a vision in my mind of what it would be like, the kind of people that would be in there. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and I have our own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. We share a lounge with the other ladies in there along with a laundry room which has the most fantastic washing machine and dryer!! The refuge is clean, it's warm and it's wonderful! The support workers are fantastic and have helped me every step of the way with everything, claiming benefits, housing applications, counselling and supporting DD. Whatever I need they provide.

The main reason I put off going into a refuge was because of DD, I was worried about how it would affect her. How I wish I hadn't worried and had done it sooner. DD has flourished. Away from the abuse and the tension in the house she has really grown in confidence and is a happy, smiling, laughing little girl. I thought I was protecting her from the abuse, I thought I hid it well but since moving to the refuge, since seeing the changes in her I now know different. I wasn't really protecting her, she was, in her own little way, taking care of me. Now she has a happy, relaxed mummy she has no need to do that and so can enjoy being a little girl, probably for the first time in her seven years. It's wonderful to see

The reason I wanted to start this thread was to try to reassure anyone who thinks they are trapped in an abusive relationship, really not wanting to go into a refuge, they have nothing at all to worry about. Nothing to lose but everything to gain. You won't be judged, you won't be questioned, you will be welcomed with open arms and taken care of. You will be free to talk until your heart is content and cry as much as you like. You will have someone who understands what you are going through and all those problems you thought were too big to handle will suddenly seem small because you will have someone to share them with, someone to help you. You won't have to answer to anyone, you can come and go as you please, totally free of abuse.

You can stay as long as you like too. The support workers are just that, support workers. They don't try to influence you either way. If it's just a break from the abuse you need and then you choose to go back, that's fine. If the relationship is over and you want to stay until you are rehoused then that is fine too. It may be that for the first time in a long time the decisions are all yours, you are in control of your life!

If you are in an abusive relationship, tolerating it because you think you have no choice, because you think a refuge isn't for you, I hope my post has helped you in some way. I didn't think a refuge was for me either but it turns out that it is more of a home than the house I lived in ever was.

Hi @Siablue

I say this gently and with love, our thoughts can be our own worst enemy. I spent much time thinking of the 'what if's', which resulted in me thinking leaving was pointless. Basically, my thoughts kept me trapped. In the end I just left. I was so desperate I shut off my thoughts and left.

If the idea of being near your family then take the refuge. There's a 50% chance he will order you home but there's also a 50% chance he won't. And you know, The Ex constantly threatened to take DD from me but after I left he didn't once try. Truth is, he didn't want her, he just wanted to cause me pain and keep me trapped, he knew she was my achilles heel.

And as for your son growing up without a 'proper family', you WILL be a proper family, not only that you will be a happy family, your son will benefit more from your happiness than he will from having another person in his life that is the cause of his mummies sadness and stress. Trust me

what an amazing story , after 3 years of somebody mentally torturing me, I also took the courage to call Women Aid. It is scary , but worth at the end

@TimeForMeToGetAWorkLifeBalance Thank you for your lovely words. I wanted you to know I have left and am with my family. I do feel more normal now that I am not with him and I am starting to see how badly I was trapped.

I still feel very frightened. I know he will don’t something awful now.

@Siablue WELL DONE!!! I am so proud of you!

Your fear is understandable and I would say is to be expected. But you are with your family, you have support and I am sure you will be well looked after. Try not to let your thoughts and your fears keep you trapped. Try not to overthink or predict what he may do, make every effort to live in the moment and enjoy every second of your freedom. The more you can do this, the stronger you will become, and the stronger you become, the smaller he will become in your mind. Take away his power by not giving him headspace. Tell yourself "I'm not going to think about him for the next hour" and make a conscious effort not to do. The extend it to two hours and so on. Give yourself permission to think you YOU, of the wonderful future that lies ahead

It might make you feel better to inform the police that you have left an abusive relationship and have concerns that your ex may cause problems for you. They may be able to offer reassurance or advice, and, if he does actually try to contact you, the Police will be aware of your situation if you need to call them. You do whatever you need to do in order to feel safe, then put him out of your head for a period of time and enjoy some nice times

@bluebell90 Well done to you too!! . The first step is very scary but it's also empowering. It was life changing for me. The most powerful and most rewarding step I've every taken.

Women's Aid are fantastic, they saved me when I was so low I could not save myself... I would recommend anyone in an abusive relationship to either ring your local branch or if you're not ready for that go on the website where you can start a thread similar to how mumsnet works

Morning everybody, just want some advice. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for the last 6 years. We’ve been together for 8 but it wasn’t always bad. We now have 2 kids but his violent outburst to me and the horrible things he says are making me want to physically hurt myself to make the pain go away. I’m 23 and he’s 25 so he’s all I’ve known since I was 15. I want to leave him but I just can’t imagine not being with him after all this time. I know that probably sounds pathetic but I love him very much. He used to Be sorry when he hurt me or made me cry but nothing anymore. I just need the courage to leave him and stay away

@Tonimariexx please get as far away from this man as you can and as quickly as you can!

I'm trying I just don't know where to start or who to ask for help. My mom passed away or she would be the first person I would turn to x

I've changed my name on here to protect my identity because he could see this and work out it's me posting for help x

Hi @brokenladyxx Can you use google to see if there is a local domestic violence support group in your area? If there is, then give them a call and they will give you all the advice you need and will support you to leave to a place a safety.

Other than this, you can call or email Women's Aid and ask for help and advice.

And, it doesn't 'sound pathetic' that you can't imagine not being with him, not pathetic at all. We do become conditioned to our situation but, trust me, once you are free you will realise that the life you have been living is not 'the norm', once you are free your self esteem will increase and you will realise that he isn't a person who you should be with.

Thinking of everyone and wishing all a safe weekend

A wonderful, heart-warming, empowering post - thank you so much!

Thank you for sharing this.

I know people who have left abusive relationships and had to live in sheltered accommodation which wasn't easy for them at the time but they and their children are so happy now and have their own place. I also know someone who won't leave her partner because she doesn't see past the sheltered accommodation stigma. It's a real worry but she has made her choice and I don't want to push her for fear of her losing contact. Really glad you were able to do this, if you can get through that you can get through almost anything.

Thank you @Vixbert. You are so right in what you say 'if you can get through that you can get through anything'. It's coming up to 10 years since I left and I can honestly say I have experienced 'challenging times' but nothing, absolutely nothing compares to that period of my life. It definitely made me stronger and able to cope with anything.

It took me a while to see past the stigma of refuge so I can relate to your friend. Truth is, although it's not ideal, it's a much better option than living with the abuse. It was my lifeline. As I said above, I made a conscious decision that I would gain from the experience, and I did. It was a stepping stone to a better life, and I will be forever grateful.

Thank you @SchadenfiendeUnmortified for your lovely words.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you a safe weekend

I talked to women's aide and was referred to Harbour support. However, they closed my case as I mentioned on my thread today. I really don't understand why I do not need their support? becasue I have some assets? because they think I can handle it? When I left their centre, the supporter said she will send me her phone number so that I can ring her if I need her help include emotional or anything else but a week later they rang me and closed the case. I have tried to ask them why? but they said they have to close the case without any explanation but they said I can ring them any time if I want? and what? make a new file?

Thank you for this post. I had preconceptions too so I'm hoping your experience is the same for us too!

I'm currently in a hotel with my DD after leaving the abuse today, spoke to Refuge although it was late and hope to sort something tomorrow (as I can't afford another night in here anyway!)

@kentmum77 I am thinking of you and your DD. You have taken a brave and positive step in leaving. I hope Refuge are able to help you tomorrow. Stay strong and keep on keeping on

Hi, I've only just realised this thread is here. Not sure how active it is, I've posted elsewhere on Relationships but didn't get many replies, hoping maybe I'll get more here. Please be kind, today, its my mums birthday, she died 9 years ago and that anniversary is in a few days time, I'm feeling a bit sad, and as always, he has stepped up his behaviour. Its always the same. First couple of years we would do something to remember my mum and he'd buy flowers and a card that she would like...now he doesn't even mention it. Anyway, that wasn't my post...this was...repost from a while ago, in case someone can give me some advice....

Hi, can anyone share their experiences of leaving an EA relationship with two children (6 and 1.5 yrs) and no family. We have moved a lot and I don't have a lot of friends where we live now, not old ones. I don't have a support network, nowhere to run for safety, support and love. When I go I will be totally on my own. I am in my 40s so feel I can probably do it but it will need a lot of strength. I have a DV support worker and we are talking about a plan to leave, arranging so see a solicitor etc. But it's intense and difficult, it would be good to hear other people's experiences. How did you escape, did you stay in the home? Where did you go, how did you make it work, was it the best thing you ever did....? Whats it like in a refuge? I'm guessing I can't take my cats with me? Please be honest.

I'm in the middle of retraining and thought I could stay til I was done and could get a job then but I don't think I can, his behaviour is getting worse and its sucking up time and energy daily. I'm looking for a job now, and planning to leave in the next few months. I don't know if I will get to stay in the house, I'm not on the deeds, it's in his name. At this point I don't care, I just want it all to be over and for my children to be in a happy even home, to have me and my life back, and have days with no anger, angst, nastiness, gaslighting, bullying and everything else that goes with the mindF* that is EA.

And dare I ask...did anyone decide to stay for a time (how long did you manage? as the days go on I just want to go right now) to get things sorted out, to plan, how did that work, did it work, or was it terrible?
Thank you. x

Very sad for you Tigger and disappointed you've not had many replies on your thread.

I have never spotted this thread/stickie before either and it reads like a fairytale!!

Like all things in reality theres a real mix. Refuges run their own rules, so some allow alcohol for instance, others don't. Most have family support workers to help support the dc with the abuse or run supported play sessions.

There are many many women turned away from refuge daily and this is also a reality to prepare for.

Like you say, you want to hear the truth, and this will help you properly prepare.

Unfortunately we had to flee with just some bags and had to sleep rough because a space wasn't immediately available.

How well you manage refuge also depends on how resilient you are when you enter as many women are struggling there, and its not altogether uncommon for there to be drugs and alcohol.

The support we had was wonderful. The one mainstay through our time was the wonderful women with their kindness and advocacy, it was something to feel after years of abuse, coldness, hatred and fear.

We were very traumatised when we arrived and found the whole thing very scarey, and like others have said, released many tears.

On reflection, if the police, courts and services had done their job properly and acted against our perpetrator he would have been the homeless one and facing charges.

You should use the support if you can to get an occupation order against him, as this is your family's home and get proper legal advice about non-molestation and prohibitive steps orders to protect you all.

If society continues to not act against perpetrators and remove them, women and children will continue to be homeless and unprotected.

I can assure you @childrenandhomeless my experience was no fairytale. However, compared to the life I was living with my abuser, the refuge and my experience while in there was like stepping into heaven.

How are you doing @tiggerbounces7?

Yes, Time I hear thats your experience. It came across in your OP. It is very dependent on the refuge what the experience will be for each woman. I am glad yours was a good one. Many women are fearful of refuge and its good to have the realities of life talked about, abused women to been given all the information and therefore real choices for themselves and their families.

I hope life is much improved for you now.