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Original poster

He resents me

97 replies

SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 00:50

Before you reply to this, please do not comment if you wish to insult my DP. That isn't why I'm posting - more because its hurting me and I want to work through this myself. Thanks

_

Right. I fell pregnant last year, when DP and I had only been together for a few weeks. I had made my decision before I had even told him; I was keeping the pregnancy, and it was up to him whether he stayed involved or not. He wanted me to terminate simply because we weren't ready and for all the practical sensible reasons people do not have children.

Well our DS was born on 11th of November, he is an absolute joy, and we both adore him. DP is a wonderful doting dad.

But after a row last weekend, it came out that he still resents me for taking the situation entirely out of control, and says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive me. I do understand, as he is a controlling person, and he gets very stressed if anything is out of his control. And obviously a baby is just about as out of control as you can get!

I don't regret my choice, and nor does he - obviously we have our moments just like any other parents where we wonder what the hell we have done to our lives. But the fact he is still so angry at me is so hurtful. I want some advice as to how to work through this, because I don't want it to destroy us. TIA

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 12/03/2010 00:56

I would let it go, tbh. Things come out in rows that aren't quite as bad as they are made out in the heat of the moment. I had a similar row with my DH a couple of weeks ago, when I told him I resented the fact that he practiaclly forced me back to work after having the kids. THe fact is, he didn't . I was a bit hacked off that he was so certain that I should go back, BUT I wouldn't have dome it just because he told me to, iyswim! I am deep down glad I went back to work, but it is a stick to beat him with when I am stressed at work/ angry with him, which I know is bad, but might be similar to your DH???

SusieCarmichael · 12/03/2010 00:57

firstly i would like to say that 11 nov is the best birthday in the world!

tbh i think that the resentment will probably go away of its own accord, he obviously loves your son and wouldn't actually want to change what happened, just that he couldn't control it. does he recognize that he has a problem with control? if so, would he consider getting help with it?

dittany · 12/03/2010 01:01

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BitOfFun · 12/03/2010 01:26

This may end up being a deal breaker in your relationship, but only because it is easier for a man to walk away than a woman. If you are honest, you probably have moments when you wish you hadn't chosen this...magnify this by at least three for someone who hasn't carried the baby. That is not about the little person, but the life situation.

Try to step back and be realistic. He can't shirk the responsibility, but he's not likely to have the same investment you do in maintaining a family unit.

messymissy · 12/03/2010 01:40

I wonder why he is really so angry at you? He is as dittany said being illogical. You didn't take the decision entirely out of his control. You gave him a choice, stay and be part of this, or not be involved. He took the choice to be involved and it sounds like its generally going well.

What control did he think he could have? He couldn't force you to abort the pregancy, so you gave him the only choice you could and stated up front that you were keeping the pregnancy.

baby still little = stress and sleep depravation all round = rows about everything.

leave it a while until you are both in a more settled place in your relationship and if its still hurting you, talk about it again.

messymissy · 12/03/2010 01:46

oh

I know you said upfront not to have a pop at your DP and I'm not about to....

only its a bit worrying you say he is a controlling person....that he is angry you took the decision out of his control....and he can't forgive you? (whats to forgive?)

maybe control is what's really behind his anger and your hurt... maybe??

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 12/03/2010 02:13

You're both very young, aren't you SirBoob?

I know some men think it's unfair that they don't get "a say" in whether a woman keeps a pregnancy, but really it's the only way. And he did have a choice - he stayed, and you're coparenting.

But as for controlling - do you mean he's controlling of you? He likes to control people? Or do you just mean he's someone who likes his world to be entirely Known Factors, so to speak? I had a boyfriend like that, now my best friend - not at all controlling of me, or dominating, or anything, but he could just not handle change. If we had plans, he needed to have thought through every aspect of the day beforehand, and if the plans changed he'd get grumpy because he felt caught on the hop.

Do you mean like that? Because someone who gets angry at you, and stays angry, well that is a bit problematic, TBH.

skidoodle · 12/03/2010 06:36

What have you got to work through?

His unreasonable anger and resentment are his problem to work through. Don't give them legitimacy by taking them on as your problem to solve.

Also make clear to him that you are not asking for his forgiveness because you have done nothing wrong.

He will have to get over this self-indulgent nonsense on his own. The best way you can help him is by not taking it seriously.

"I can't forgive you for something you aren't, and shouldn't be, sorry for and I resent you for making a decision that was entirely yours to make" is not a position that should be given much time or energy.

Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 08:29

Thanks everyone.

Tortiose I'm young. He's 15 years older. And yes; exactly like the friend you described He's not controlling of me, but he likes to know exactly what is happening.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/03/2010 08:58

I think it's a positive thing that he is able to identify why he feels angry and to explain it to you, rather than letting it fester and carry on breaking out in rows about nothing in particular. Maybe he doesn't have a "right" to feel angry, unless you lied to him about the Pill or something (did you?), but we don't always feel "the right thing". Bluntly, his chance to control the situation was when he chose whether to put it in or not. After that, the biggest impact was on your body, not his, so if anyone should be doing any resenting it should surely be you! As a reasonable person he probably realises this on a rational level, but that doesn't necessarily help him accept it in his heart of hearts.

If he's the sort of person who would agree to have some counselling to help him work through why he is so resentful, that would be ideal. Too many people, particularly men, see counselling as some form of weakness, but really it's calling in help just the same as you'd call an electrician or a gas fitter or a garage; they're trained in their specialism so they can usually do it more efficiently than the average householder, who has their own areas of expertise. Just because it's about something in your mind doesn't make it somehow shameful.

skidoodle · 12/03/2010 10:20

Sorry, when do we get to criticise a man in his 30s who got a 17 year old pregnant and then tells her he resents her for having the baby?

Seriously, I might have to tie my hands behind my back

cestlavielife · 12/03/2010 11:05

he "adores" his son. he "is wonderful doting dad". he "does not regret" the choice.

so how can he justify still being angry at you? is he using this one thing as something to always remind you you "owe him" something?

he is the one who needs help... but if you can see a counsellor yourself then i dont think it would do any harm. maybe look at other areas he tries to control your life too.

dittany · 12/03/2010 17:51

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BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/03/2010 18:05

I can sort of understand how he feels. If DP got me pregnant and then I wasn't allowed an abortion without his permission and had to have the baby, I would feel a lot of resentment too.

In what way is he 'so angry' with you? I don't get how he can be like this and also a good dad.

KindaLingers · 12/03/2010 18:08

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expatinscotland · 12/03/2010 18:09

Asks dittany and skidoodle if there's enough rope for me.

HerBeatitude · 12/03/2010 18:28

Brahms being forced to undergo a pregnancy and bear a baby you don't want, is a hell of a lot different to being given a choice to walk away or not from someone else having a baby.

Ye gods that anyone can possibly equate the two.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 12/03/2010 18:36

Yeah, it's not the same but it's not insignificant either. And if you love someone you might not want to leave them, but that doesn't stop the resentment.

HerBeatitude · 12/03/2010 18:40

Sorry but it's an adult's job to get over the resentment.

He needs to grow up and be a man. He sounds like a petulant boy, sorry OP I know you don't want criticism of your DP but he sounds like a kid.

dittany · 12/03/2010 18:41

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Original poster
SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 19:06

Is that honestly what you all think?

I love him dearly, and I know he loves me; I also know he wishes he didn't hold it against me but he does. He has been putting himself under pressure thinking he has to move to provide for us (am with my parents currently) so I think that's part of it too.

I don't really see the relenevce (sp?) of my age in this, tbh. I just want things to be okay

OP posts:
KindaLingers · 12/03/2010 19:08

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MrsPixie · 12/03/2010 19:13

oh dear

If you don't want me to criticise your P there is not much I can post.

You are so young, please protect yourself and your baby.

dittany · 12/03/2010 19:20

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 12/03/2010 19:20

You are dealing with an immature bully, who probably couldn't hack it with a woman closer to his age.

He had his fun, and now he is 'putting himself under pressure thinking he has to provide for us'????? Ye gods. And he doesn't like the thought of moving or putting himself out to provide for his own child, or disturbing his lifestyle because the demands of fatherhood are something he didn't anticipate? If he's not living with you, how much active involvement in your life and the baby's life is he putting in? Things will not be ok while you're dealing with a first class twat.

You will see things differently when you're 30. KindaLingers is right.

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