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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He resents me

97 replies

SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 00:50

Before you reply to this, please do not comment if you wish to insult my DP. That isn't why I'm posting - more because its hurting me and I want to work through this myself. Thanks

Right. I fell pregnant last year, when DP and I had only been together for a few weeks. I had made my decision before I had even told him; I was keeping the pregnancy, and it was up to him whether he stayed involved or not. He wanted me to terminate simply because we weren't ready and for all the practical sensible reasons people do not have children.

Well our DS was born on 11th of November, he is an absolute joy, and we both adore him. DP is a wonderful doting dad.

But after a row last weekend, it came out that he still resents me for taking the situation entirely out of control, and says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive me. I do understand, as he is a controlling person, and he gets very stressed if anything is out of his control. And obviously a baby is just about as out of control as you can get!

I don't regret my choice, and nor does he - obviously we have our moments just like any other parents where we wonder what the hell we have done to our lives. But the fact he is still so angry at me is so hurtful. I want some advice as to how to work through this, because I don't want it to destroy us. TIA

OP posts:

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 17:31

sirboob you are needed elsewhere for some real support. I agree with BBL you are best to just walk away from this. It will not make you feel any better. So grab the glass and come toast your first Mothers Day tomorrow as a success.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 17:34

Oh and if had got a battering as she has so far on this thread, I would have my defences up. That is a sign of immaturity, its a sign of being got at and not being able to stop it.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 17:35

Oh and if had got a battering as she has so far on this thread, I would have my defences up. That is a not sign of immaturity, its a sign of being got at and not being able to stop it. Sorry love, got a typo there!

AnyFucker · 13/03/2010 17:46

I don't see any battering on this thread

I think people have been honest, but kind

SirBoob is a well-known poster and her previous problems well-documented

The replies that appear to criticise her DP come from having a rounder idea of what she is dealing with on an ongoing basis, tbh

SirBoob, I know this thread didn't go the way you wanted it to...but you know how MN is

has anything helped you at all...if ony to crystallise the idea that he is being unfair to you and dc...but I think you knew that, hence the OP

look after yourself, love x

BeckyBendyLegs · 13/03/2010 18:27

I'm with Pavlov a big glass of wine and yummy lemon drizzle cake is in order and turning off this thread! Arrange a date with Scarlotti

Happy Mother's Day!

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 18:30

I think people have focused on the age gap here not as a criticism of Sirboob or to imply that age alone is an indication of maturity; obviously the balance of opinion is that the DP has issues that he must get over, in other words, do some growing up. His chronological age and his maturity level are not the same.

I think the pov of many posters here is that when you get to 30 or 40 and the men you mix with are generally the same age, you think very askance of a man your age having a sexual interest in a teenage girl. It is an observation based on experience and maturity and gut instinct, and the wisdom about character and motivation that you learn as you get older. I hope the negative assessments of the DP won't be dismissed out of hand.

It would be helpful to have the other threads of SirBoob linked if anyone knows where they are. If there are more aspects to the situation than SirBoob posted on this thread it would be useful to know them before chipping in with comments.

ItsGraceAgain · 13/03/2010 19:08

SirBoobAlot, you sound lovely and capable and sparky. And you sound like someone who's often had to fight for what she wants & deserves.

There are some things in life that don't have to be fought for: things like being surrounded by people who care about you and love who you are - those things are actually damaged if you have to fight for them.

That's the voice of harsh experience! I was also very grown-up at a young age, the result of having to be. I have very good advice for you. It's not about your DP in any way at all, it's the advice that will help you and your beautiful baby continue to grow up in the best possible way

Let it lie. Simply, choose not to worry about it. Whatever energy you're putting into anxiety over your relationship is wasted right now; you've got better places to invest it. Take care over yourself. Do the things every working mother needs, but tends to push to one side - get your hair done, read a great book, get tiddly with your girl friends, have long baths and slope off to bed when baby's snoozing. Go window shopping. You know - "me" stuff.
It's very important!

cheerfulvicky · 13/03/2010 20:31

SirBoob namechanged for a specific reason so she might not appreciate people posting links to any other threads, which were under her old name. Just a thought.
ItsGrace, that is some STERLING advice I think I shall heed it as well! Umm, I'll butt out now, though, heh. I'll just end up putting my hoof in it otherwise...

TotalChaos · 13/03/2010 20:43

I completely agree with grace. Whether or not your DP gets over this resentment or not is down to him - don't make a second child of him, spare emotional time/energy tends to be lacking with a young baby, don't waste it on trying to make your DP not be resentful, but focus on yourself.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 20:44

cheerfulvicky you are right. Sirboob namechanged and would absolutely not appreciate old threads being dug up. And that is extremely unfair thing to do, just to satisfy a bit of gossip, as this seems to have become. Please do not ressurect old threads.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 20:52

Fair enough. I personally had no idea of any prior threads, circumstances or situations, whereas other posters alluded to them. Didn't mean to rake up any other situations SirBoob may have posted about, just got a feeling there were two groups on this thread, one group 'in the know' and the other 'out of the loop'.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 20:55

math some people are in the 'know' as we had our babies around the same time and have gone through some trying experiences together. And some, have read her other threads and think they are in the know

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 20:59

Sorry I missed her other threads. She sounds lovely and very brave, wish her all the best.

skidoodle · 13/03/2010 20:59

I don't think the person who asked for the old threads realised they were posted under a different name. I think the intention was less to satisfy gossip than to attempt to help.

mrsboogie · 13/03/2010 21:02

"don't make a second child of him"

if the OP was ever to listen to a piece of advice, please God, let that be it.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 21:05

It was me who asked for the links, Skidoodle. I wondered if pertinent information had been omitted from the OP after it became clear that some posters had formed an opinion of the DP from other threads.

dittany · 13/03/2010 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 21:13

math i was not implying you were gossiping, rather than that would be the outcome of the posts being linked. You sound like a thoughtful person.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 21:31

Oh, Pavlov, I didn't take it that way at all . I know what you mean about raking over old problems all over again being unproductive.

abbierhodes · 13/03/2010 21:35

I think sirboob has some pretty serious problems ahead of her in this relationship.

I also think those of you wandering over here all 'netmumsy' telling her not to listen to the meanies will live to regret it.

She needs proper advice, not 'friends' who tell her only what she wants to hear.

PavlovtheCat · 13/03/2010 21:40

abbie she does have real friends, and I think she has realised her mistake in posting on here, where she will get advice that is not tempered to ensure no further damage to her.

She needs to hear truth, honesty, with compassion. Strangers cannot give her that.

I am going to walk away now. I feel quite sick that people can be so keen to get their 'right' point across regardless of the affect that the way it has panned out might have on someone. As long as your opinions are heard loudest, who cares that this is about a real person.

abbierhodes · 13/03/2010 22:03

There has been a lot of compassion on this thread. People are concerned about a vulnerable teenager being manipulated. Knowing her from other threads is not really knowing her, is it? Any more than I do. Unless people have met her and her DP, they can't reassure anyone that he is a good guy.

I'd like to know what the adults in her life think of her situation. Not her 18 year old friends, but her parents, etc.

I do realise that I am coming across as patronising. The 18 year old me would have wanted to punch my lights out! But an 18 year old is not an adult in the same way as a 30 year old.

Sirboobalot sounds mature, articulate, intelligent and lovely. From what I've read on here I bet she is a wonderful mum. But when it comes to deal with manipulative, controlling people, life experience can make all the difference.

I really wish her all the best. MN can be harsh, but that's partly the point, isn't it?

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