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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He resents me

97 replies

SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 00:50

Before you reply to this, please do not comment if you wish to insult my DP. That isn't why I'm posting - more because its hurting me and I want to work through this myself. Thanks

Right. I fell pregnant last year, when DP and I had only been together for a few weeks. I had made my decision before I had even told him; I was keeping the pregnancy, and it was up to him whether he stayed involved or not. He wanted me to terminate simply because we weren't ready and for all the practical sensible reasons people do not have children.

Well our DS was born on 11th of November, he is an absolute joy, and we both adore him. DP is a wonderful doting dad.

But after a row last weekend, it came out that he still resents me for taking the situation entirely out of control, and says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive me. I do understand, as he is a controlling person, and he gets very stressed if anything is out of his control. And obviously a baby is just about as out of control as you can get!

I don't regret my choice, and nor does he - obviously we have our moments just like any other parents where we wonder what the hell we have done to our lives. But the fact he is still so angry at me is so hurtful. I want some advice as to how to work through this, because I don't want it to destroy us. TIA

OP posts:

winnybella · 12/03/2010 19:23

He doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive you?
Forgive what exactly? You BOTH had sex, you got pg, you gave him a choice of staying or leaving, he made a decision to stay and now he blames YOU?
He needs to grow up.
Frankly, I don't like the sound of the 'able to forgive'. It's nasty and controlling to make you feel guilty.

msrisotto · 12/03/2010 19:39

"he wishes he didn't hold it against me but he does."

This is Bullshit sirboobalot, I don't want to be harsh 'cos you sound so fragile just wanting everything to be alright and all but he is bullying you here, not being supportive at all.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2010 19:57

'He has been putting himself under pressure thinking he has to move to provide for us (am with my parents currently) '

He's not providing for anyone but himself. You are with your parents.

'Is that honestly what you all think?'

Yes, yes it is.

Original poster

SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 20:04

I understand why he doesn't want us to move in together - we have only been together for a year, and to be honest that is fine with me. Both he and my parents work so in a lot of ways it wouldn't matter where I was living; DS and I will still be alone together during the day. We go and stay with him at the weekends, and its big enough for that - but not practical for us to move in on a permanent basis, simply on a space front. So that is really not an issue. I'm disabled, so was still living with my parents anyway.

For the record, I was 17 when I fell pregnant, am now 18. We were friends for a while before we got together, and had been chatting for ages before the question of age actually came up.

I know the first year after the birth of a child is the most common time for relationships to break down, and am pretty certain that sleep deprivation on my side of things is a large part of why I'm so sensitive at the moment. He is suffering from anxiety attacks again currently, largely based, from what I can gather, on his / our position.

No, I haven't questioned why he is with me. He says he loves me, and for the first time I believe my relevant other saying that. He has he faults, but so do we all.

When it comes down to it, I made my choice, and I knew (and still know) that I was making the correct one for me. Though I will also admit quite openly it was more a case of not wanting a termination than wanting a baby. DS is the thing that keeps me going, especially on days like today when I'm struggling to walk. I have never apologised for what I did, nor will I ever do so. But I don't want this to divide us.

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/03/2010 20:08

Well. DH resented me for a while. Not anything to do with DS, but last year we spent 2.5 months living in his country. DS was young and it was cold and I was bored. Then I got ill and was desperate to come home. He had been hanging on to that trip for so long and it was a big crash down to earth for him - I was never going to want to live there (he already knew that but always hoped) and I ruined his time by being demanding and unhappy.

When we got back he was awful to me for literally a whole month. He even told me he wanted to leave us after the summer when he got his residence. It wasn't fair to resent me, I was looking after our DS in a freezing flat with no mod cons in a tiny town where I knew nobody. But he did. I understand why he did.

I am telling you this so that you know that it can be worked through. I had it out with him one evening and it was awful and we both faced some home truths - that our marriage might not survive and that in a lot of ways he wasn't happy. He acknowledged that he was treating me badly and really faced the reasons why. With a bit of time and him examining his feelings he decided that life with us was what he wanted - but I think talking about it and us acknowledging that he could leave helped. It made him feel he wasn't trapped here and allowed him to freely choose to be with me. I know that sounds a bit odd since he married me and had a baby with me but of course feelings can change over time and relationships fluctuate.

Your DP sounds like he is feeling like his life is out of his control. Of course he needs to work out why that is and stop taking it out on you. But there may be something at the root of it that he hasn't explored, even with himself. I think DH was stifled by feeling he 'had' to stay with me when his feelings were less clear about what he wanted. Maybe for your DP it's similar? I'm not saying that he wants to leave you, DH didn't really want to leave me. Anyway I'm rambling now but I hope there's something in that that makes sense!

Original poster

SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 20:21

Kat2907 thank you for sharing that. It all sounds quite familiar in a way. I'm really pleased to hear you managed to work everything through, its quite encouraging.

OP posts:

dollius · 12/03/2010 20:39

Hi SBA. I also became pregnant just weeks into the relationship and like you said I wanted to go ahead. I remember having this same conversation a similar time after the birth. He said he knew it was illogical but it was just how he was feeling. I think me acknowledging that helped. DS1 is now five and we are very happily married with DS2 who is three. Basically we learnt quite quickly that we had to set aside our own needs for the sake of our son and we now have a lot of love and respect for each other.
He will get over it if he is a reasonable person.

BitOfFun · 12/03/2010 22:24

I understand that you don't want to hear negative stuff about this man, but the more details you fill in the worse it sounds. You are disabled, living at home with your parents and only eighteen with the responsibility of a baby now- and HE gets to moan about feeling trapped? Er, I don't know what to say to that really.

Trikken · 12/03/2010 22:49

SirBoob Im not good with giving relationship advice, but just wanted to let you know I'm here if you need someone to let off steam to. you've only just become parents, I found dh and my relationship was strained after having ds and took a while to get back to normality, dont be disheartened, you are doing brilliantly. x

mrsboogie · 12/03/2010 22:54

Oh, you have name changed. I just realised who you are.

Is he a brilliant daddy? really? because actions speak louder than words, although if he was that doting on his son he wouldn't be angry still.

You don't want people to criticise him because you don't want your own deepest thoughts about him given added the added weight of external corroboration. Fair enough,you will come to it in your own time...

In the meantime there is bugger all that any of us can say to help you through the hurt that is your punishment for giving him that beautiful child.

dittany · 12/03/2010 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trikken · 12/03/2010 23:20

why is he not behaving responsibly tho dittany? surely he could feel like this at any age?

expatinscotland · 12/03/2010 23:22

He didn't want kids and resents her for having his, but he went around having sex unprotected with a vulnerable teenage girl (yes, I sussed out who this is, too).

That's pretty irresponsible, Trikken.

cananybodyhelp · 12/03/2010 23:22

I could have written your post two years ago.

What these women are saying to you is right, and what's worse is you know it.

Don't waste this precious time when your LO is tiny and you are learning to be a good Mummy worrying about someone who is totally and utterly failing you.

dittany · 12/03/2010 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trikken · 12/03/2010 23:36

but it takes two to make a baby, though so he cant be totally blamed for that. We didnt plan our baby and my boyfriend was a fair bit younger than me (now dh) but I wouldn't say either of us are irresponsible. dh took a while to adjust. and where does she say that her parents are left to take care of her and the baby? she said she lived with her parents and goes to partner's flat on weekends.

messymissy · 12/03/2010 23:39

what do your parents think of him? I bet they are worried for you.

If your parents are supporting you financially and emotionally and helping with the baby, then you are in a strong position to say to your DP grow up or get lost and mean it.

Like cananybodyhelp said, don't waste your time with him, your LO will grow all too soon and you will have missed out on precious time with your son, by worrying about your DP and his determination to make you feel bad about having his child and grateful that he is hanging about.

I hope all these posts don't make you feel more fed up and hurt than you already are, but instead I hope that you can see that there are lots of women on here with good advice for you, but maybe you would be better off talking this all through with your parents.

BitOfFun · 13/03/2010 00:22

I think it would be impossible for parents NOT to feel they needed to look after a disabled 18 year old daughter who'd had a baby. I imagine they are very concerned.

messymissy · 13/03/2010 00:59

I don't know the full story here bitoffun. Its getting sadder.

i feel for you sirboob.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 02:15

It's one thing to feel resentful and trapped. It's another to keep on feeling resentful, to bring it up in arguments, and to try to convince you that he can't do anything about it. He needs to either stop being resentful or end the relationship. Using something that neither of you can do anything about at this point to make you feel sorry for him or apologetic about your choice is emotional abuse.

differentnameforthis · 13/03/2010 03:04

His anger is not unreasonable.

You too the choice out of his hands, how would you have felt if he forced to keep a baby you didn't want?

differentnameforthis · 13/03/2010 03:10

But in terms of the other stuff....he is not feeling able to accept full time responsibility of you & your ds. I think you need to question this.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2010 03:35

So his choice is to get over himself or put the relationship behind him, not use the baby as a stick to beat her with ad nauseum. If he chooses to hold this against her, then he is abusing her. He chose to stay in the relationship during the pregnancy and after the birth. What's Sirboob supposed to do with the baby now? Shove him back in? The ball is in the DP's court. He wasn't forced to keep the baby -- Sirboob has allowed him to be in the relationship with her and the baby on his terms. He doesn't seemingly have enough of a job to support her and the baby, they don't live together, yet he has his own place and they are together only on weekends, and he still resents her??

I have a suspicion that he is bringing up all this anger and resentment now because he is casting around for a way out of the relationship and this is a handy storyline for him: it will avoid the awkward necessity of telling her the truth -- that he is now bored with her and/or things have got a bit too real for his taste and/or she's not paying enough undivided attention to him even on the weekends when she stays over. How convenient if he can make her feel it was her fault that she lost a real prize and to punish her for 'trapping' him with the baby. Wouldn't be the first time a slimy older man dumped a teenage mother.

Laugs · 13/03/2010 08:04

That was a nice conclusion mathanxiety. Glad you have it all sussed

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/03/2010 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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