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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He resents me

97 replies

SirBoobAlot · 12/03/2010 00:50

Before you reply to this, please do not comment if you wish to insult my DP. That isn't why I'm posting - more because its hurting me and I want to work through this myself. Thanks

Right. I fell pregnant last year, when DP and I had only been together for a few weeks. I had made my decision before I had even told him; I was keeping the pregnancy, and it was up to him whether he stayed involved or not. He wanted me to terminate simply because we weren't ready and for all the practical sensible reasons people do not have children.

Well our DS was born on 11th of November, he is an absolute joy, and we both adore him. DP is a wonderful doting dad.

But after a row last weekend, it came out that he still resents me for taking the situation entirely out of control, and says he doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive me. I do understand, as he is a controlling person, and he gets very stressed if anything is out of his control. And obviously a baby is just about as out of control as you can get!

I don't regret my choice, and nor does he - obviously we have our moments just like any other parents where we wonder what the hell we have done to our lives. But the fact he is still so angry at me is so hurtful. I want some advice as to how to work through this, because I don't want it to destroy us. TIA

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 13/03/2010 08:24

agree with shiney. I wouldn't be in any hurry to move in with him, if he's already struggling and feeling resentful at this distance....

in response to your first post - only he can work through this - it's his feelings of resentment/lack of control that are the problem.

BeckyBendyLegs · 13/03/2010 08:54

I think everyone has a mental maturity which can be different from their actual ages and the actual ages of SirBoob and her partner aren't necessarily relevant to this issue and focussing on those isn't helping her deal with her problem at the moment. I am in my 30s but have always felt far younger than my age and my DH was mentally in his 30s when I met him aged 18! Having a child together can be one of the biggest, if not the biggest, test on a relationship, any relationship. DH and I had been married for 5 years, living together, before we had DS1 and it was bloody hard that first year. SirBoob I thought you'd appreciate a big hug at this point I hope you are ok

skidoodle · 13/03/2010 09:02

I suspect the answer to "what's a man in his 30s doing with a teenage girl?" is "having uncomplicated fun with someone he can easily manipulate and totally dominate"

no wonder he's so furious: not only did she get pregnant, thus becoming complicated and putting him in the horrific position of being responsible, she also refused to be manipulated into having an abortion and letting him off the hook.

Of COURSE he's resentful. This wasn't what he signed up for at all.

Original poster

SirBoobAlot · 13/03/2010 09:45

That's really not fair at all. I might be inclined to agree with some of what has been written, but that's a totally unjustified assumption and attack.

I shouldn't have started this thread.

OP posts:

scarlotti · 13/03/2010 09:54

Hi SirBoob just popping in to check you're ok. Let's meet up next week and we can have a chat about all this if you like.
Big hugs x

roomac · 13/03/2010 10:04

Just to say my dh is probably a couple of years older than your dh (my dh and I are the same age as eachother) and as a teacher my sixthformers are your age and the idea of the two together doesn't sit well with me . . . but my dh's grandmother was 17 when she got together with his then 35yr old grandfather and their marriage lasted 60yrs. Everyone is different.

BeckyBendyLegs · 13/03/2010 10:09

SirBoob I suggest you just ignore this thread now. Leave it alone. They don't know you or your DP and are making comments based on their interpretations of what you have typed in your original post, some of which are really unfair and patronising. I agree with Scarlotti meet up with her, someone who knows you in the real world and talk it over xxxx

cheerfulvicky · 13/03/2010 10:33

I and the other people who only know you online are going to have a hard time finding polite words for what is some very unfair emotional pressure you are being put under.

To be honest EM, I can see both sides of the posters here. I know things are not as clear cut as they appear here - that is why it's so hard to find an answer or some advice that will help, because life is very complicated and rarely as simple as it looks on MN.

I don't know if your DPs age is relevant here. It might be - but then again you are certainly more mature than your avarage 18 year old, so the gap narrows somewhat iyswim.
But I do know he shouldn't be saying the things you have mentioned in your OP, and I would go through the roof if (X)P had said that to me. No no no Why is he still saying stuff like that, your son is born and beautiful and HERE, and any qualms he had should have long since disappeared. If they haven't... well, that's not your fault is it? It's not a matter for 'forgiveness', it's his own issue that he needs to explore separately, do you see what I mean?

I hope you're okay and that you are able to extract useful advice from this thread, there are some very wise words here. In a way its a shame people are now piling in with emotive personal attacks, because it dilutes the important and helpful advice given earlier, and means its easier to disregard the lot as "Oh they are all mean and horrible and no-one understands".
You're a lovely person and I would hate to think of you being made to feel bad in any way. I know we don't really text/email much anymore, but I do still think of you and I hope you are happy and stuff And if you ever do want to chat, well you know where I am and you know I'll support you whatever you do. x

skidoodle · 13/03/2010 10:43

Speaking of people who know you in real life - have you told your parents about the anger and resentment this man feels for you and your desire to "work through it"?

They know you better than anyone, have your best interests at heart, and are supporting you and your son in all the ways a partner in a truly adult relationship normally would.

You are extremely vulnerable to this man and his behaviour doesn't speak of someone of good character. If you truly are mature for your age then you have the wit to see that an 18 year old on the border of adulthood needs to be careful of herself around much, much older men. Thinking you are very grown up is no match for 30+ years of experience of real life.

Original poster

SirBoobAlot · 13/03/2010 10:47

Where did I say they were supporting me? I live with them, yes. But I pay rent and towards the food / petrol we use, and I look after DS myself. I am 18 but I am also a mother and I am capable of looking after my child.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 13/03/2010 10:54

Who said you weren't capable of looking after your own child?

Do your parents treat you and your son as lodgers and charge you market rates for everything? Or do they, in fact, support you? (which is perfectly unremarkable btw, most 18 year olds get a lot of support from parents)

BeckyBendyLegs · 13/03/2010 10:55

I have to butt in again. Sorry! SirBoob is much, much more mature than your average 18 year old in my knowledge of her(from being on same antenatal and postnatal thread) and has had much more life-experience than I had had at that age. I have a lot of respect for her. She has given me lots of advice over the last few months for which I am very grateful and I am 38. The image of her DP given here is wrong too from what I know from being on the same threads. It is not fair to make these judgements portraying him as this 'creepy' older man and her as this naive teenager.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/03/2010 10:55

SirBoob, you're lovely. And mature for your age. And I'm sure there is a whole lot of love between you and your partner.

But.

The age difference is relevant. It really is. I'm 31, and the idea of a relationship with a 17 year old - well, there is a huge power differential, experience gap, etc.

I don't understand, if you live with your parents and your partner doesn't financially support you, why he feels angry? I do understand the loss of control (my friend who I mentioned is my best friend of 15 years, after all) but it's really not okay for him to be making it your emotional burden to bear, you know?

Sometimes I think uncharitable things about my family and my life. But I realise they're uncharitable. And I keep them to myself. That's what someone in their thirties does.

You know, one of the ways in which your age is relevant? When you're eighteen, you accept a much lower standard in those around you. I behaved badly at eighteen and so did all my friends, and yes, if I felt resentful or angry I'd make it someone else's problem. It's not pretty, but it's eighteen.

It's not thirty-something. That's one of many reasons why the age thing is relevant,and why your responses are surprising you. Most of us are older than you, so we have higher standards in our intimate relationships. And we want that for you.

PorphyrophillicPixie · 13/03/2010 11:27

Sending hugs your way Sirboobs. I'm only a couple of years older than you and I really couldn't have handled having a child already so I really admire you for that.

I've thought about you and your situ quite a bit since I first saw you on here and if you were an RL friend I would be worried about you, but I think that if you honestly feel (deep down and all that jazz) that your relationship could work then you should work on it, but try to gain some control over the situation yourself as well as it seems that he has the upper hand here and has a lot of control over you emotionally.

If this relationship is meant to be then things will work out, and if it isn't then you always have MN to come bitching to

mrsboogie · 13/03/2010 12:32

I'm sorry that you regret starting the thread sirboobalot and while it is certainly relevant I wish people would focus a bit less on the age differential.I don't doubt that you are very very mature -you are after all being far more mature than your DP.

I know also that he has his own problems from your earliest thread on here and that its not so straightforward as him being a question of a creepy older predatory man with a very young woman.

However, quite clearly he could not cope with a woman of his own age. He thought you would be more malleable; you weren't malleable enough to terminate the pregnancy. He is angry that that control was taken away from him. The person who said below that it is not a question of forgiveness is spot on.

You haven't done anything wrong so there is nothing to forgive. You "took" an element control away from him and he doesn't like it. However, he sees that he can regain some of that control by holding this "forgiveness" issue over you. He can trot it out at any point and see your face fall.

The truth is that he isn't angry at you for having the baby. He loves the baby. He loves you in his own way. He is angry about the control thing. Perhaps he can't help it.

This will work only as long as you allow it to. If you can, turn it round on him and say that you feel that his resentment is a small price to pay for the gift of your son and that really, it is his problem and that you have no interest in hearing about it. You are not in a position to change history and you woudn't even if you could.

Don't allow him to see that this is an effective way of controlling you and he might stop.

dittany · 13/03/2010 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 13/03/2010 13:37

So sorry your DP feels this way, SBAL.

Perhaps he needs to shift his focus away from resenting your decision to what would have happened if you had made a different one - would he really prefer that your DS didn't exist? If he, hand on heart, can say yes to that question then I would think seriously about the longterm future of your relationship (but from what you say, I doubt he would say yes).

If he says no, he wouldn't prefer that DS had never existed, then he has to stop being an arse about it. He has accepted DS, he has accepted the role of father - this is his life now, there is no point in resenting the situation, as that would imply that he wishes it were somehow different.

Talk to him again - ask him the hard question - see if he can change his focus because he's hanging onto some potentially damaging feelings there for no good reason, IMO.

skidoodle · 13/03/2010 13:41

I agree with dittany.

mrsboogie · 13/03/2010 13:53

I think that the majority of the women who post in relationships have trouble with examining the reality of their circumstances!

while everything you say may be true dittany the OP is not ready to accept it - she only wants to know how to deal with the specific issue in question. I would prefer to help her to do that than to switch her off by trying to get her to face everything at once.

I think her realisations about the reality of her circumstances may need to be something that happens in stages.

MrsPixie · 13/03/2010 13:56

I would just be concentrating on my baby if I were you, trying to get some accommodation sorted out and creating a nice life and future for yourself. I doubt weather you will ever get what you want from him, at his age he is unlikely to step up now if he hasn't already with the baby here and all.

I think you have made your bed tbh, just focus on the positives you have in your life. You are lucky to have your folks supporting you, be grateful for that. It is more than he is doing after all and he is the Father.

dittany · 13/03/2010 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsboogie · 13/03/2010 14:18

I can only envisage the possibilities here as falling between getting her to move slowly in the right direction or making her dig her heels in and stay on the current path (to mix a few metaphors)

...the latter being the outcome of all our advice to her so far, unfortunately.

cheerfulvicky · 13/03/2010 16:29

I agree with mrsboogie...

BeckyBendyLegs · 13/03/2010 16:32

"she's not acting in a mature way" surely trying to work out the best future for herself, her baby's father and her baby is the mature way? The immature way would be to have a blazing row and tell him to sod off for ever. Nobod is perfect and every relationship has issues whatever the ages, backgrounds, personalities, etc of those involved.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2010 17:01

I agree, dittany.

I had a relationship with a 43-year-old man when I was 19.

At the time, I thought I was really mature.

I wasn't. I was vulnerable and insecure.

He took advantage of that.

Really, you should meet someone IRL to chat about this, because it's not coming across well online and you don't want to hear anything other than what you want to hear (a hallmark of immaturity, IME).

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