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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I write a letter to OW's husband about her affair with my H?

102 replies

mumof4sons · 06/03/2010 08:49

My H of almost 20 years left me a little over 2 weeks ago for a married woman. Says he is in love with her.

I am feeling quite vindictive and really want to do something to hurt this woman. My H also told me that if her husband found out he would probably be beaten to a pulp. That sounds good to me now.

So should I write the letter or not?

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 06/03/2010 08:50

No.

Keep out of it, as hard as it is.

Be the better woman.

waitingforbedtime · 06/03/2010 08:51

No of course not.

macdoodle · 06/03/2010 08:51

Actually I did, it helped me, and even now 4 years later, I look back and think at least I had my say!

sunshiney · 06/03/2010 08:55

Hi, I'm so sorry to see your post you must be in terrible distress.
My gut feeling on the letter is probably not to, given the pain it would inflict on her husband.

Sounds as if there might be plenty of pain coming his way soon enough if the ow breaks up her marriage.

hocuspontas · 06/03/2010 08:56

Write it but don't send it. Tell them you are going to though because it might take the edge off their happiness

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 08:57

wouldn't want to incur the wrath of someone who likes to beat people to a pulp - maybe he beats her to a pulp and this will be the perfect opportunity to do so

don't start a chain reaction you then can't control because chances are, it will all end up horribly

sunshiney · 06/03/2010 08:58

Try and focus on the fact their relationship has little chance of working anyway. Let that be your revenge.

itsmeitsmeolord · 06/03/2010 08:59

Look at it this way; either he will get beaten up anyway when her marriage implodes without your input OR she will not find your husband nearly so attractive now he is single and not exciting anymore and looking really quite desperate and she will dump him unceremoniously and he will feel like an utter cock and realise that he has fucked up his own life.

So don't send the letter, there is no need.

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 09:01

but as hocus says, definitely write it. Just don't send it. Put it on your wall so you can look at it while you'll still feeling like this.

NiceShoes · 06/03/2010 09:01

Sorry you are going through this.I do Understand why you feel so angry,but don't do it.Gather your friends and family to help you out.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/03/2010 09:04

I don't think you should write it out of vindictiveness. You can despise their sordid behaviour so much the better from the moral high ground. If the husband is blissfully unaware, maybe he deserves to know what is going on. Although, if her husband really does beat people to pulps, he doesn't sound all that nice himself... Also, unlikely though it seems right now, you may want the idiot back when he comes to his senses, and it would be an advantage if he were still in one piece.

Somebody did once offer to get XH beaten up for me (not about cheating though). They knew some friends who would do it at very reasonable rates! I politely declined. I only had to think what the children would feel about their dad being harmed to know it was A Bad Thing. Karma got him in the end, anyway. He lost us all. That's punishment enough.

cananybodyhelp · 06/03/2010 09:10

If I was in your shoes I would do it. Not for spite, but because if I was the one in the dark, I would want someone to enlighten me!

Sorry if others don't agree, but I believe in being up front and honest, and colluding to keep a secret like that is not something I could do.

mamas12 · 06/03/2010 11:26

Maybe you could write a consoling letter. From one cuckold to another sympathising at the situation that your respective spouses have left you in.

OR you could just write and tell them that you will send it

Actually I like that one better.

Bucharest · 06/03/2010 11:33

Of course you shouldn't.

It's going to make him even more sure he wants well away from you, you'll come across like Glenn Close.

animula · 06/03/2010 11:38

I don't think you should, either.

I'm guessing you have dc together, and I can't see that it would help them if you sent the letter, and their df was beaten up. And it wouldn't help your relationship with them.

I can see you're angry, and feel let down, but the violence thing is pretty horrible.

skidoodle · 06/03/2010 11:39

"It's going to make him even more sure he wants well away from you"

what a horrible thing to say to a woman who has just been left by her husband

fatal attraction is just nasty misogyny

junglist1 · 06/03/2010 11:42

It depends. On practical levels it could cause trouble that you don't need on top of everything else. What will help you, doing it or not? Make the letter anon to protect your children

Bucharest · 06/03/2010 11:43

And writing to this woman's husband isn't a horrible thing to propose?

I feel very sorry for the OP. But 2 wrongs don't make a right. She writes this letter, she feels momentary satisfaction, then will feel a million times worse than she did before.

OP- write it down by all means, scream, cry, kick the walls and call your ex every name under the sun. But don't send a letter.

skidoodle · 06/03/2010 11:45

but she hasn't written the letter, she's just angry and thinking about it.

that is a far lesser wrong than walking out on your wife and children

FullTimeChoreDodger · 06/03/2010 11:46

I would. It's is not vengeance. It would be so unjust if this woman ruined your marriage and then had the option to go back to her own. I can see how right that injustice would be healing. Sometimes feeling an injustice can be so hard to live with and it can take YEARS to work through that and to get to the point where you no longer care. Speed up the process for your own sake. It is not the same as losing your head and hurling out personal insults and sending poo to her doorstep or keying her car or any of the crazy but tempting things that could get you into serious trouble.

animula · 06/03/2010 11:46

The other thing is, you have absolutely no idea what this husband is like, what's going on in that marriage, anything.

Supposing he's a deeply scary person - worst case scenario , he becomes obsessed with you? It can happen.

I'm guessing that you have a story in your head about how you'd like it to go: you send the letter, he's furious, kicks her out, and she is left in the position you're in now. Which, I suppose, would lend a certain (illusory) satisfaction. Or he'll batter your ex to a pulp. (Which I, personally, find quite unappealing, but who am I to judge?)

Who says it'll go that way, just because that's what you'd like.

No, the more I think about this, the more I think staying out of it, concentrating on you, and your life now, is the way forwards. The best revenge is living well.

EcoMouse · 06/03/2010 11:48

Why not?

I don't have any idea why people feel they should keep secrets for such people?!

Maybe if more people were more willing to be open and honest, less men and women who stray would do so under the illusion that they'll get away with it.

First step to dealing with any kind of abuse is to relieve yourself of 'the secret'.

My concern for you OP, is that you are tempted to do this out of spite. Bitterness is the most damaging emotion and I'm not sure that writing this letter will relieve you of it, although it might give you a momentary reprieve. You need to find other ways to help yourself recover too.

FullTimeChoreDodger · 06/03/2010 11:52

I agree Eco mouse. Let go of that secret.

Knowing that you're 'the better woman' is of no immediate help to a person who is an absolute pressure cooker of shock and pain. Why should the OP carry the weight of the injustice (OW having the option to merrily skip back to her husband) when equalising that playing field would release so much tension, hurt and anger and let her begin to get over what happened??

expatinscotland · 06/03/2010 11:53

I don't see why not. If it were me, I'd want to know.

FullTimeChoreDodger · 06/03/2010 11:58

I don't think it would 'make her look like glenn close'.!!

Glenn Close wanted a married man. The OP is not in that situation at all. Writing a factual letter is hardly similar to Glenn Close behaviour.

A short truthful letter is legal and is not going to get the op in to any trouble. RESIST the temptation to call anybody a slapper/liar/cheap etc etc....