Should I write a letter to OW's husband about her affair with my H?

[mumof4sons]

My H of almost 20 years left me a little over 2 weeks ago for a married woman. Says he is in love with her.

I am feeling quite vindictive and really want to do something to hurt this woman. My H also told me that if her husband found out he would probably be beaten to a pulp. That sounds good to me now.

So should I write the letter or not?

i have contacted all 3 of my ex h's girlfriends....since i left him he's had 3....i have told them all of his violence,of his personality disorder and all of his other 'problems'.

they have all thanked me....and all stayed with him. i have had an email off each since saying he has beaten them up and its over. police and social services involved in all 3 cases.

he's assesed now as high risk to women ,medium/high risk to children

i'm glad i contacted them!! different scenario i know,but it makes ME feel better that they knew

Nothing at all illegal about telling him by mail that his wife is cheating on him and how you know.

Like she said, short and to the point and factual.

I agree with writing it but not sending it. Get the feelings out on paper and then burn it. It can be very therapeutic.

expat I agree with you. be the better woman, or be a woman in slightly less pain...

I guess the op needs to weigh up the glory of being 'the better woman' a feeling which won't be of any comfort for at least two or three years! against the immediate release of some of that pain and anger.

Your hb is a twat. Your best punishment is to let her have him, really, they sound awful enough to be each other's punishment.

Sending the letter? Well, presumably if dh's relationship with this woman is going to go anywhere then OW's hb will find out anyway and dh will then face a beating but it won't be at your instigation (which might be an entertaining thought but in reality a distressing for your dcs) - or you hb is just an amusing distraction and he'll be left with nothing.

Your best revenge is to live well and take the attitude that it's a relief to have him taken off your hands - it's a bit of a blow to him and OW that he's no prize.

Have you taken legal advice especially re the home and child maintenance? Painful financial reality for the man ime takes the gloss of having to woo the OW on the cheap.

He's already with her.

And again, if I were the husband, I'd want to know.

I would do it, not in the hope he would get beaten to a pulp, but for the reason that her husband is in the dark about it. Someone I know told the OW husband she felt better about it.

sorry that should be and she felt better after, her DH and his DW had slept together.

OP - You say you want to do something to "hurt this woman".

You want to send the letter so your ex will be "beaten to a pulp".

Is it, really, your ex you want beaten to a pulp?

Is the OW's husband really that violent?

To all the other respondents who are talking the talk about "letting go of secrets", re-read that OP.

OP - If you really want to get your x and this OW beaten up, why bother with the letter?

I really hope that you are writing here to let off steam. That I can understand. But beating people up because they no longer want to be married to you? Beating up the people they have a sexual relationship with? It's illegal, for good reason. It's also fundamentally wrong.

And is just not what you want to be doing if you have children - whatever their ages.

It may work on television, but that's because it's drama. In RL, it is messy and destructive.

animula, you misunderstand. I'd advise writing the letter but not having any expectations about how they react to the truth.

people don't usually go beating each other up, and if they do, they're that type anyway (angry, aggressive).

the 'beaten to a pulp' would be any mans threat...why is everyone focusing on that??

its a macho reaction to say it,to do it is different....and if he does,thats THEIR problem,not the op.

"It may work on television, but that's because it's drama. In RL, it is messy and destructive."

the op wasn't the one who turned her family life in to an ITV drama script. Her husband did that!

I think the OP owes it to her own children to speed up the process at which SHE recovers from this shock and pain. Clinging to an idealised notion of being the better woman isn't going to help let go of the pain and speed up the healing process.

I think that the need for 'revenge' will subside and you have to live with your actions for a long time after the bitterness has gone. If there is any possibility of your children's father being beaten up then I think you shouldn't write it.

Whilst being the bigger person in this situation may feel like a hollow victory, it is still a victory.

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with such an ugly set of circumstances.

Take care.

"To all the other respondents who are talking the talk about "letting go of secrets", re-read that OP."

Why? Because our opinions differ?

An affair is one of the most abusive single acts one partner can do to the other.

It's important that those who have been abused don't feel they have to carry others secrets along with pain, anger, fear ...in fact, doing so leads, if anything, to an internalising of those very negative emotions, so frustration, bitterness and anger follow.

I don't need you to agree with me animula but don't assume I'm ignorant to the dynamics of the OP's experience or similar.

Yes, I'd write it and send it. I wouldn't write an anonymous letter, and I wouldn't write it purely for revenge but I'd not play the 'keep it a secret' game. That's nonsense.

you didn't start this chain of events - they did, I can't think of any reason why you should behave in a secretive way. It's not your secret - be the loose cannon, why not.

I'd do it.

all sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle to me.

I would write it to let off steam but not send it.

Sorry if i caused offence. Wasn't directed specifically at you ecomouse.

Rather that the reasons other people would have for writing that letter are so markedly different from those of the OP.

Which seems to be about getting her ex and OW beaten up, through disingenuous letter-writing, and using this other chap as a tool, acting at a distance. Albeit a tool gifted with some degree of free will.

So it's about pulling a lever, which may cause a machine to perform action A, or B. The fact that there is a degree of undecidability, and the fact that it is the machine that will cause the action offers a bit of a get-out for the lever-puller. You can even focus on the lever-pulling, rather than the actions, A and B.

But, if you are pulling the lever, hoping that action A (some other person will beat up your ex and OW) will take place, that is just what you are doing. And it sucks. Imo. Though not a court in the country would convict you. And if it goes very pear-shaped, you can always tell yourself you had no way of really knowing if that would happen.

I suppose I am just very uncomfortable because there seems to be more of this "I'm going to batter the OW" thing about of late. And this just struck me as one of those.

And I'm probably wrong.

And I apologise to the OP if I am.

I'll be honest, and lay myself open for a flaming.

I think it's Kyle-ification too.

And I think it's odd to see it getting dressed up in Boden-stylee rationalisation.

Mo4s - so sorry your H has betrayed you like that, incredibly painful.

Can you use MN for the support to pull your own life back together as soon as poss, turn your focus towards looking after YOU, in a positive way, rather than looking back and taking revenge?

Nothing positive will occur in your own life as a result of sending such a aletter. Your H, the ay he treated you and most importantly YOU are the most imprtant things to you - this bloody woman and her H are not. The man sounds awful, anyway. Why want a friend or ally like him?

But I'm sorry you are going through this.

Look, it's not going to do any good. It's not going to make him love you again, sorry. Presumably he's going to find out sooner or later. He probably won't beat your ex up at all, it sounds like macho bullshit to me. Something you say, but in reality you don't fancy facing 5 years in prison for. But if he did, it would damage your children even more. You have to be the better person for their sake, so at least they've got someone to rely on. All this 'letting off steam' stuff - sorry, real life doesn't work like that when you've got children. Sometimes you have to do the harder thing for their sake.

The OM deserves to know the truth. How would you feel if he knew and didn't tell you?

All that stuff about people being beaten to a pulp is probably guff put out by the OW to justify her actions. But if you want to avoid any risk of beatings you could warn them that you have sent the letter and let them take whatever precautions they deem necessary.

just ring
god i would
the h of my sisters exhs mistress rung her several times she worked out in the end
never had the guts to say anything

No offence taken animula!

I see how offering rationalisation for what may be intended as a wholly detrimental act could be wrong OTOH in general terms I genuinely believe the shroud of secrecy is unhealty, for a number of reasons.

I'd write it AND send it WITHOUT warning them that i was even thinking about it.

I agre with Eco mouse and ahundredtimes.

It wouldn't be out of revenge or hate and I'd have no expectations about how he'd react.

All truth comes out in the end and if it were me being cheated on, I'm damn sure I'd want to know sooner rather than later. And rather be told be the other party involved than the neighbours IYSWIM.

I don't give a crap about tattle-tailing or whatever, i know when to shut up and i know when to speak up.

If you tell them about the letter, she'll be waiting for it to arrive to get it before he does.

You're well within your rights to speak up and clear this baggage and him right out of your life, you don't need this "secret" hanging over you.

Secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets hurt someone (as i once heard someone say)

send it.

feeling impotent is horrible.

send it.