Should I write a letter to OW's husband about her affair with my H?

[mumof4sons]

My H of almost 20 years left me a little over 2 weeks ago for a married woman. Says he is in love with her.

I am feeling quite vindictive and really want to do something to hurt this woman. My H also told me that if her husband found out he would probably be beaten to a pulp. That sounds good to me now.

So should I write the letter or not?

Oh yes, your ex is the most reliable describer of facts?

He is just trying to control what you do - who knows if some other random person is the violent type?

I would write (and have done) a short note to say that you believe his wife is in a relationship with your husband - and saying that is only what your husband says and that it may be true and that he may want to know.

OP is in pain and dealing with the fall-out on her own. I imagine too that if he's left her but she hasn't left her husband, then there is more in the mix of the OP's marriage than just this affair.

It is a kind of revenge, of course. She's been betrayed.

However, I resist the idea that the OP telling the TRUTH is in someway undignified, or excessive or wrong. I

t's not, they created this situation, she doesn't have to play along with or 'play nice' it if she doesn't want to. Why should she?

I'd blow them all out the water, I'd create all kinds of trouble and love every second of it.

me too
i would dress teh part too
cruella wig. cig holder etc
small puppy to skin

[thread hi-jack alert]

Ecomouse - Are you Buddhist? I like that maxim about not doing things for negative reasons. I've always thought it was really sensible. I thought that might be what you were getting at. Hard to put into practice all the time, though ... .

[thread hi-jack over]

but its deffo
right action

Agree.

I had a friend who did this - and told everyone everything about anything- and there was lots of pursed lips and talk of being 'dignified' but actually she was fabulous and merciless and refused shame.

yes butthen it becomes boring after i think 3 months.
there should be a divorce egg timer

very little good has ever come out of revenge

I've been left before and it's incredibly painful but hasn't your DH acted with some sort of honesty by telling and leaving rather than staying and trying to keep the both of you going?

I know the feeling of wanting to hurt them both but believe me, it's more constructive to focus on what you and your DC need now, financially and practically as much as emotionally.

hola fox

justice.... what if they need to feel that there is some justice in this uncertain world??

Nonsense! Revenge is a fabulously enjoyable and satisfying thing.

I think women should make more trouble and more NOISE
and not sit meekly by because 'two wrongs don't make a right'

If she wants to tell the husband, then she should. All bets are off, she doesn't need to be loyal or well-behaved or keep schtum

If I was in the OP's position I doubt that it would even occur to me not to tell the OW's husband.

totally agree with ahundredtimes.

But there's no justice that can be righted in being left.

It's a game of risk - there's a good risk that this will bring more trouble to her doorstep at a time when she's no doubt feeling utterly shite and trying to look after 4 dcs on her own.

Why risk that when you're at a low ebb?

If your personality is such that you want to create trouble, you have to be bloody sure you have the resources to cope with it when it comes back to you.

hola amigo

I would write and post and give no warning and probably skip to the letter box with it.

I would take the "he will beat me to a pulp" line from ex-H with a huge pinch of salt. He is simply trying to control the situation for his own advantage.

What kind of risk though? That her husband will be cross with her for telling his lover's husband? Puhlease

She's not the one who made the trouble. They made the trouble.

Of course, in an ideal world, she'd tell the OW's husband, and concentrate on her own life and not imagine for a minute that it'll bring her h back.

It's a scary thought of course, that she might not play ball. It is a bit odd that he left her and didn't think for a second that she wouldn't tell the OW's h though?

I think you're all hugely underestimating the benefit of immediately releasing some of the tension and stress though.

It will be years before being the better woman will bring much comfort. Seriously... by the time that is any comfort, the op wouldn't care about any of it either way.

It is extremely difficult to function as a mother, colleague, friend, general sane individual when you have a tornado of injustice raging inside of you.

Letting go of some of that in a controlled, legal way is the quickest way of fast forwarding the healing process. personally, I've done stiff upper lip, and I've done this is what happened. I have feelings of residual anger from something that happened to me 11 years ago. And I've let go of what happened to me only 2 and a half years ago.

Your first responsibility is to yourself. Offload the baggage. Like a sand bag, throw it over board.

revenge does make you feel better though, especially when you you feel you've been shat on from a great height. It's not particularly attractive or nice, and I know we're all supposed to rise above, but you just feel like you count for nothing if you don't strike back in some way.

personally I'd be thawing out the prawns

Revenge would be damaging her car or sending her poo.

Making public OW's own actions isn't really vengeance. It's not leaving a horses head in her bed.

agree with fulltime - it DOES help you move on, maybe it shouldn't, but it really does

I'd be sharpening my pencil...

I would!

maybe he's lying, who knows

part of the issue is she doesn't know what she's playing with as god knows what he's said to her - maybe she (ow) isn't married, maybe she's left her husband, maybe he (ow's dh) really doesn't know a thing

the problem with this sort of deception is you look back and can't see the truth for the lies anymore