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Original poster

Should I write a letter to OW's husband about her affair with my H?

102 replies

mumof4sons · 06/03/2010 08:49

My H of almost 20 years left me a little over 2 weeks ago for a married woman. Says he is in love with her.

I am feeling quite vindictive and really want to do something to hurt this woman. My H also told me that if her husband found out he would probably be beaten to a pulp. That sounds good to me now.

So should I write the letter or not?

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 06/03/2010 13:29

Y bad behaviour hugely under-estimated re both the pleasure of revenge and vindication for being wronged

My favourite is the artist - I can't remember her name - her bf sent her a dumping text. She then made this huge installation of different professional women reading his text and analysing him and it. It toured the WORLD. Hah.

ahundredtimes · 06/03/2010 13:31

But it's not the OP's deception foxy. Is it? She knows one truth, she's sharing it.

What they've said or not said or done or not done - she isn't responsible for

nighbynight · 06/03/2010 13:31

Tricky question really. On the one hand, I dont believe in shielding people who are having affairs, and would much rather that someone told me if I was the one in the dark.

On the other hand, what if her h beat the OW to a pulp, how would you feel then?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 06/03/2010 13:32

'Beating to a pulp' is presumably only hearsay from the cheating toad H?
I think the OWH has a right to know - I feel strongly about this as a friend's H left her last year claiming there was no other woman when there was. Apparantly loads of people knew, no-one told her, so she tried desperately to get things to work out, only to find out much later, and felt a complete fool. If she had been told it would have hurt, but at least a level playing field rather than her a a total disadvantage.
I was told only this morning by a another friend, well, more of an acquaintance, that her husband had left several weeks ago - he just doesn't want to be with her any more, and is living apart and contacting her only by email, and not seeing the children. She is beside herself, says there is no other woman - he just doesn't want to be with her or their children any more - doens't know how to fight back when there is nothing concrete to go against.
Maybe there is no other woman - don't know her husband - but if I knew there was I would tell her, so she would know what she was dealing with.
Sorry long-winded, but I think the OWH dserves to know. Could always alert the H so he knows not to go down any dark alleys alone, if he really thinks there is a threat of violence [hmm.

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 13:33

well she thinks she does. Only thing she knows for sure is that he's left her.

said · 06/03/2010 13:33

Agree with Eurostar here about your husband being honest, in a way. He has left you. Surely, that is the only relationship you should be bothered about? It's upto the OW and her husband about what happens in theirs.

I think letters are tawdry although can certainly imagine wanting to write one. Definitely.

ahundredtimes · 06/03/2010 13:37

That's true - but he's left her for OW who he is in love with. If she's writing a letter to the H, I sort of assume she knows this OW to exist?

We might need the OP to come back

nighbynight · 06/03/2010 13:37

Dont write though, phone if you are going to tell him, because you really know nothing except what your h has told you. Which may not be the truth.

elastamum · 06/03/2010 13:46

I didnt write to the H of the woman my ex had an affair with but I did ring her and told her exactly what i thought of her and it made me feel sooo much better to let her feel my anger and up set at wrecking the lives of my kids. My ex had asked me not to contat her H. Her H rang me, but he pretended to be someone else, a business contact so I unwittingly gave him my ex's whereabouts a few months on my ex left her for someone else!

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 13:56

' It is a bit odd that he left her and didn't think for a second that she wouldn't tell the OW's h though? '

you know what I reckon, I reckon people who do this think they are invincible. After all, if you are getting a bit on the side you are basically having your cake and eating it aren't you.

ahundredtimes · 06/03/2010 13:59

Yeah, agree. Which is why keeping schtum and being good re not telling is part of the same - by his rules, how he'd like it etc

Pick off the icing, I say, mash up the sponge, lick the jam, make trouble

elastamum · 06/03/2010 14:02

It is up to the OP to do what she feels is best. She may find it helpful to acknowledge her own anger rather than suppress it, as if she does that it is very likely to make her ill or at least more depressed. in the early days on my own, my anger gave me the energy to get out of bed, get a job and build an independant life for myself and my kids. It also helped me negotiate a good settlement for us in my divorce. I would reccomend finding a counsellor as it is helpful to have a safe non judgmental place to express her hurt and anger and come to terms with it all.

foxinsocks · 06/03/2010 14:05

lol

I can only imagine the trouble you would cause

I think it's a personality thing. If you are strong enough to cope with it, then although I still think little good comes of it, if you can cope, there's no reason why you shouldn't. Like nigh said, I'd rather do it face to face or on the phone. You might discover some uncomfortable facts/truths and I guess you have to be prepared for that. Always better to get the truth though I think - personally, I'd HATE not to know the truth.

But for some people, it isn't the way forward - can make you feel a lot worse and if you're feeling shite/low, you might want to concentrate on your dcs and your future life without the cheating toerag. After all, you'll probably have to have some sort of relationship with him for the sake of the children as shite as that may seem now.

Heathcliffscathy · 06/03/2010 14:14

so let me get this straight. your h is leaving you for another woman. he loves her. she is not leaving her current relationship.

so your h is not leaving you in order to move in with her. he is leaving you because he realises he no longer loves you and in fact is in love with someone else. before he can move in with that someone else. who may never leave her OH.

this sounds v unlikely. in the event that this is the case, your h is acting fairly honourably in the sense that he is being honest with you about what is going on and that he is not trying to fudge and have the affair and keep his marriage.

EcoMouse · 06/03/2010 14:19

animula, no, I couldn't claim to be but I do have an active interest in the Bodhisattva path. So much of it resonates as a healthier way of being

paulaplumpbottom · 06/03/2010 14:24

I agree that you shouldn't keep this a secret. If I were this woman's husband I would want to know. Maybe he isn't violent at all but your DH wants you to think that so he won't be told.

skihorse · 06/03/2010 15:01

Why punish the OW? Is she some sort of potion-making witch and your poor husband was helpless to resist?

Tortington · 06/03/2010 15:05

i'd want to tellthe husand, ut then if he knows - the OW might leave her DH or get chucked out and then straight into the arms of your dh.

at least this way he is in some kind of emotional pain.

and i hope you got to a solicitor and screw him over royally so he is in financial pain.

Bonsoir · 06/03/2010 15:16

If I were you, I would go to my solicitor and start very fierce divorce proceedings. That will be far better revenge for you in the long term.

WorzselMummage · 06/03/2010 15:22

I'd do it !

Chandon · 06/03/2010 15:35

sophable, where´s the honesty or honorable behaviour with somone who´s had an affair???

I think a letter a bad idea, as it may be used against you as evidence in court (divorce), especially if the tone is in any way threatening.

I think a short call: "I think you shoudl know this, sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings", is better (as in : I would like to know if I was in your shoes).

You have the moral high ground, even if you do this, imho. It´s a shame that your DH told you about this guy beating people, but that may just be manipulation from him, to try and get you not to tell OWH!

Heathcliffscathy · 06/03/2010 16:08

the point is that from the sounds of it he is NOT trying to have his cake and eat it. he is leaving despite the OW not leaving her relationship. i said it sounded unlikely!

Original poster
mumof4sons · 06/03/2010 16:27

Wow ladies thank you for the responses. At this moment in time I don't think I will write to the OWH, because I am the better woman. I don't want to cause him pain. I just want the OW and my H to feel my unbearable pain.

I am angry, bitter and lonely at the moment. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered world and carry on for my four boys. I took my wedding vows seriously and now can't believe that this is happening to me. H told me he could never do this to me, and I trusted him whole heartedly for all these years.

I just want to cry all the time and stay in bed. Weekends are the worst. When I am at work I don't have time to think of my troubles.

Thank you again for your responses.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 06/03/2010 17:39

Sorry you are going through this. You will come through it. To do it with your dignity and pride intact is even better.

EcoMouse · 06/03/2010 17:46

It's early days Mo4s, I know it's small comfort at the moment but things will change. Do you have the support of friends and family?