Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

You'll get a lot of support from WA. I 'felt' hugged when I went for help, definitely unburdened, validated, supported, and not so alone.

ps, don't tell him about the baby's birth until you have registered her birth!

PM....Does your gp, midwife, or health visitor know what going on?

They need to. The more people you have supporting you, and the baby, the better. It may be that medical stuff will be important in court? I don't know, but there's no harm in having professional opnion on your side.

Good thought there Maggie. Great advice.

Thanks MA .I 'm afraid I just txtd him very angry hateful stuff about letting us all down and being worse than dc's dads and how I am looking fwd to rest of my life wth baby.Also said I hope he enjoys his old age alone with no contact frm his dd who will be supported in the evidence he has provided that he is an unworthy fucker.
Maggie my eldest are 14 and 12.They are very helpful and concerned about me as I am so low and weepy.They have had such a poor demonstration of grown men behaviour.
This household now has 3 scary,useless absent fathers.What hope?

Women's Aid would help you get to the registar's office alone.

Please ring them! we're all going to worry about you after we've logged off if you don't ring them. They will be very kind to you. TRM and Mathanxiety have both been there, and I wish I'd rung them. Now with a clearer head, I can't understand why I didn't.

They sound like good kids PM. Helpful and concerned for you. x

Sdst - they do know ,but in between coming and going ,he has been to see them and done his charming hero bit so I'm not sure they know what to make of it.They think it's all a bit of a drama.There's this big work issue going on causing me stress for past 6 mths which they know about and hve written reports for.H e tells people how hard it is to e supporting me and my family through it all.I heard him one evening phoning the m/w and saying I am very volatile and difficult to handle.She came to see me next day and said I shd ease off him a bit!Same story wth my family.Poor man,under so much pressure from me and my problems.

I will ring WA when younger 2 are in bed.Thank you so much for yr concern,support and advice.Thank God I found this thread.

Sending you a big HUG, PM, even though it is frowned upon .

PM, it doesn't take a man to make a home or a decent childhood for children. They all have you. Who has been with them from day 1? Who is with them now? You are their rock.

PM, it's maddening to see people from 'the outside' being roped in by Ns and told all sorts of lies, and having it all believed (initially believed at least). My ex told everyone who would listen that he never knew on a day to day basis if he would come home and find the locks changed and have to sleep on a park bench. As if I was some sort of vindictive flake given to outrageous gestures. I found out all of this from oldest DD who had hacked into his email. All this time I was doing that bast%%%'s laundry and cooking him dinners. He typed those emails while wearing tighty whiteys that I had washed the disgusting skidmarks off. Unbelievable insanity.

But, when I told the shelter staff, they had seen it all and heard it all before, and it felt so good to be understood, for him to be seen through, for me to finally have my words mean something to someone. They were able to finish my sentences for me. Everything he did and said was so pathetically predictable.

Hell!, group hug!? [hug]

It's true that it doesn't take a man to make a home. My small family now has a calm equilibrium instead of walking a tightrope,,, freedom to be messy laid back ourselves. I feel more like a 'real' family now than i did when it was all a 2.4 white picket fence charade.

I just gave the youngest dc's frozen pizza in front of the tv. They cdnt believe it! I told them to put pj's on and watch tv in my bed after as older 2 gone to sleepover.I am leaving the washing up til tomorrow and 2 baskets of clean dry laundry unfolded in the kitchen too.And I haven't taken out the recycling.And the dogs went into the tv room with the kids.My god what kind of a rebel am I?
2 cocodamol and a glass of red for me nd after Estenders I will be in charge of the tv buttons.

Good for you!

My two are loving the more relaxed atmosphere. No more eggshells here.

We even eat in the living room together now...and watch pineapple dance studio...and I'm allowed to say garaaaaarrrrrge without being ridiculed.

I have a glass of red at my side...I have to start early to get the full two litres per night in you see, being an alcoholic, shit mother, pathological lying bully, who has myself..."pushed him too far this time".

Reading all the literature there is on this...especially if you have boys, it is SO important to break the cycle of abuse. I know where I come from. I am beginning to see where he comes from...and my two ARE NOT going there.

And they have cocopos, instead of unsweetened porridge too...and the world did not end. HA!

I have been SO lucky to have the nurse prc that I have.

Last september...when I thought I was insane, she gave me a huge hug, and said.."you know that you are being emotionally and psychologically abused don't you?"

I pray, wish, will sacrifice a goat, if it means that one of your health pro's is as enlightened as her PM.

I'm so glad I've broken that cycle saddest. My x's father is a machiavellian control freak, and that's what I know about him without ever having lived with him. It doesn't excuse my x's behaviour, but he humiliated my x when he was a child with punishments such as tying him up.

I was building two bits of furniture the other day, from Ikea! and my son was 'reading' the instructions. He's only four, but he was handing me screws and saying we'll have a cuppa coffee after this mum! Then when we were finished he said "i'm so prouda you Mum". That was so priceless to me. If his father had been around, I would have been pushed out of the way and not let to anything so complicated as I would obviously have failed, being so stupid and incompetent. And I probably wouldn't have been able to assemble two pieces of furniture back then because I would have been such a nervous wreck.

PM you are a strong and capable woman to have been through what you have and yet raised 4 dc, held down a good job and faced all this while heavily pregnant. Do not underestimate your ability to survive, you will.

I second every thing Maths said about Womens Aid. Infact, I could have written her comments word for word.
When I decided to end my marriage I had no real life support either. Womens Aid held my hand every step of the way, came with me to court and I even rang my lovely WA lady at home when she was off work sick.
They really do know without you having to find the right words to tell them. It was such a relief for me to finally be understood - much like the way we all understand each other on this thread.

I am really worried about you PM. Please promise you will ring Womens Aid and find someone to help you atm. You don't need this stress in your condition and there are people out there who can help you manage what lies ahead. xxxx

Here's to the cocoa pops rebellion Saddest!! It was the first thing I went out and did as an act of defiance!

I will add to the throng in favour of womens aid. Nurse prac got me to ring them straight away, last september.

It took till February to have gone from believing my own insanity, to having the strength and courage to stand firm and choose a different life...although I had a major wobble again this afternoon. But hey I'm allowed and it was only my own grief.

They are so matter of fact about the whole thing. And the more I learn about this stuff, the more I undersatnd why.

Even from this thread...the similarities between these men are truly astonishing. They use the same words in the same order. Do the same things in the same way, think the same way.

I am listening to dd talking to him on the phone right now. It's going to be THE MOST AMAZING WEEKEND EVER. May go and sob for a while.

Saddest they'll all be 'amazing weekends ever' untill she hits about 14....then she'll see right through the princess bed bribe and go running back to you and sanity.

Yes...it was ds's 13th when he Turned Weird.

She's a very willful girl...I suspect she'll have him sussed much sooner.

Even my 8yo pulls a face when it's his weekend now. But all credit to him, he said flat out when the subject of visitation came up for debate, that he wanted to see the DCs every 2nd weekend purely because he was "entitled to it". Nothing about how he looked forward to cultivating a relationship with them or being a decent father -- I nearly dropped when he used the word 'entitled' without batting an eyelid (having read the Lundy Bancroft book).

They go for weekends and try hard to arrange sleepovers with friends for at least one night, bring lots of DVDs, and spend their whole time there watching them. He has bought exactly one pack of cards for them to amuse themselves with. The rest of the time they are supposed to bask in the warm glow of his personality.... Super cook that he is (not), he (under)cooks the same cheap cut of meat every time and I hear he expresses surprise that they don't fall over themselves with enthusiasm when dinnertime rolls around.

It takes about 2 days for them to detox emotionally after a visit.

aargh. This is going to be very quick, since I indulged in a mjor blurt last night!

PM, your reality is breaking through the bullshit, isn't it? I feel for you - it's so painful (and disappointing) to realise your love has been used, along with your hopes and anything else that was available! Please, please realise that if he goes for good (hopefully, when - and soon!), it will simply be because you cottoned on. They're con artists, these people: once you stop being a 'mark', they're off to find a more profitable cow to milk. I'm wary of saying that - but I have done, anyway! - as you often seem to be valuing your self in terms of your 'useability'. That's not the same as worth, PM. You know it. Deep breaths ...

Math, it was kind of funny - in a hollow-laughter sort of way - te hear about your ex's probable secret credit card and his lousy con about the mortgage office! After I split with Jon, I found out he owned various companies, all of which were bankrupt. Throughout the time we were together he was in paid employment - he was cheating the tax man, plus deliberately 'losing' his credit card about once a month during a big night out. He got fired a couple of times for attempted fraud. He wasn't clever enough to pull it off. Saddo.

PM again - you don't owe him anything, you know! Materially, morally or emotionally. Write a list of your strengths. Then compare!

Love to everybody

How lovely of you,Grace.Thank youxxx

She's gone. She was so excited.

This is all so shit.

Saddest, you spoil her when she gets back. What does she like doing that you usually say no to?

I know I shouldn't but whenever my dc come back from having seen their dad I always spoil them. I tell them, when you get back we'll make a cake, or watch that new dvd! or make fimo models and 'kiln' them in the oven. All treats that I normally say no to! but I like to play the fun parent for a day after they get back from seeing him. And he's so mean to them it's easy. I think he goes into the toy shop and looks for the cheapest toy possible. Even though he doesn't pay a penny maintenance, he certainly doesn't try to spoil them. He is a tight as a knat's chuff to steal an expression I heard once.