Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

Help.
He is laying into me on the other thread.
Having a slight panic attack here.
He is coming across vicious and furious and I'm a bit freaked out.

It is bait, therealme. Leave it.
Unplug/shut down the computer.

Maybe, first, print out for your solicitor.

I don't know the thread that you are talking about, but is there a management team that could yank it? I'd try that, but don't respond to him.

Stand your ground. You have been absolutely amazing for months! Don't get drawn back in.
You are on your team (and so is everyone here!) and don't have anything to do with him-toxic ick ewww yuck.

Where is the other thread, TRM? Can you link to it? I second the advice to print it.

I left this message for him TRM

Karmal, You are missing this important point. TRM is entitled to have her own perspective about why her marriage failed. YOU Have yours don't you?? Quite clearly you do! So, what does it matter to you if a bunch of 'forum losers' support your x wife?

TRM was very honest with us in her original OP. She came here, not expecting any sympathy, because 17 years with you had conditioned her to believe that she deserved none. We chose to give it to her. She didn't manipulate us into sympathising with her or supporting her. She presented herself in a negative light, not a positive one, and we all unanimously CHOSE to support her.

The bottom line is this, you made your wife miserable and because nobody's life is a sacrifice to your convenience, she ended the marriage. Something she was absolutely entitled to do. Marriages end.

Regards,

xxxx.

I hope he gets the message. Don't worry TRM, All it has done is stoke up our support for you. I imagine he is feeling very sorry for himself right now. But honestly, how dare he come to your thread and start looking for, what, sympathy!?

It's still early days in the split. My X was like glenn close in fatal attraction the first year. every time i thought it was all over he'd come back up again. But it does get better. Don't show any fear. Detach detach detach. He wants pity right now. He's a big pity sponge.

My N H has now become, in the last few days, increasingly mentally vicious, manipulative and I feel totally worn down today from it and from yet another sleepless night from the effects of being with him. He is starting to use every trick in the book to undermine me, make me doubt my perceptions of certain things and he is totally in denial about other problems like alcohol. The 'threats' level has gone up to maximum now towards me with what he will do to me. I am being vague as I do not wish to be outed (is that the right word) and he checks up on everything to do with me now.

This has become again like an 'endurance' test and I am worn out from it. Thank goodness for this thread.

Can other posters who have left their N relationship please enlighten me as to what they were thinking at the time they finally decided to get out of it finally? Did others feel - I just don't want to be unhappy any more and live a life with someone who operates on a level of instilling fear generally about life into my head? Or - enough is enough - I have 'suffered' and been 'punished' for 'x' no of years? Or was it - 'a straw which broke the camel's back' with a final bit of behaviour or treatment from their ex which made them think - I cannot take this anymore, the final boundary has been crossed. Or, that, basically - you just feel that after years of feeling you are going insane and struggling and not being the person you really are, that you decide you just want to get back to being the 'real you'.

Or is it all of these and many more?

For the person I know who put up with 15 years of an N it was when he forgot himself sufficiently to start threatening her friends.

He had managed to keep the whole business pretty private, just him and her, up to this point, while being Mr Pillar of the Community to everyone else. But then one day his jealousies and paranioa about her spilled over into making a stupid threat against her friend. The friend's husband got involved.

This was sufficiently embarrassing and humiliating enough for the person I know (sorry to be vague here but it isnt actually me) to finally call a halt to it. She had put up with the insults and controlling behaviour to herself for years, and had managed to blank out the insults and threats to her immediate family by convincing herself none of it was real. She was also scared of being on her own.

But then one day the threats did go public and she realised there was no putting the genie back in the bottle, if you see what I mean.

She should have ended it years before, but for all the reasons that people put up with abuse, hadn't.

Mine called his sister and told her that we were splitting up because I wanted to be with another man. He described in detail how we were going to divide the assets, where we were going to live, who the children would be with etc. It was the first I'd heard about it, but it sounded good (all except the living with another man bit). I had always assumed before that leaving was just not an option while the DCs were dependent. Having had that glimpse of freedom, I would settle for nothing less, even though it turned out he didn't mean a word of it! It took another two years to actually get away, during which I had what was diagnosed as a Major Depressive Episode, but he obligingly behaved as madly as possible and pretty much every day showed me that leaving was the right thing to do.

It wasn't just that I wasn't prepared to be treated like that any more; more a conviction that he should not get away with treating someone like that, even if the someone was "only" me. And once I saw that what he was doing was deliberately pressing buttons, they stopped working. (Sometimes they still annoyed me, but it was the fact that he was doing something on purpose to annoy me that was annoying, if that makes sense.) autumnlight, I think you're more or less at the seeing-buttons stage and that's why he's stepped up the abuse, to try to put you back in your place before it's too late. However you can't unsee what you've seen, and I don't think it's going to work on you again. It may take you a while yet, but you will get there, and he will lose. Be brave, and love yourself.

clubpenquin - there has only ever been one incident of my H letting his mask down in public that I can remember, and I suppose I would have liked the friends we were with at that time to have said more about it to me at the time to confirm that how he behaved was wrong. I know I should haved worked this out for myself but with an N, you are so messed up in the head, that they have brainwashed you to believe their beliefs and behaviour is the right way to be in life.

My H is such a brilliant actor, and you just feel like no-one will believe you because they are such a credible, helpful, polite, friendly people (how they come across to others). I have never come across anyone, apart from my family, who has a bad word to say about my H. When a member of my family first met my H, his comment, I found out years later, was 'he is so full of himself, isn't he'.

They can also manipulate you and 'press all the right buttons' (behind which there has been a long history of abuse) and you can end up looking like the problem side of the relationship in front of people. This was done to me with my H's parents once, and you just feel defeated because you end up behaving in a way that confirms what he has said about you to them about you.

AGYG - also I have been saying when he starts 'spouting' about things, that he is talking 'bull....'. I don't think he likes this!!!!!!!!

Do you think N people want to hold onto a miserable marriage because they do not want to end the illusion of what they are in life and the end of the marriage would identify their 'real personality' to others?

Yes being married is important to their self image and appearance of success and respectability.
If that marriage ends then they will paint themselves as the victim.
They also need someone to release their true nature to, as they can't do it to all the outside people they are working so hard to impress.

The thing is that they have a different version of reality to everyone else and once you get this, it's the route to escape. You realise that nothing you ever say or do will be good enough, and also that nothing you ever say or do will change them. You might as well bang your head against the wall. All you can do it get out of the situation.

Unfortunately that's not usually all that easy as the N isdesperate to hang on to the partner, - we were witness to all sorts of dramas, crises, suicide threats. But actually once he realised the game was finally up he managed to move to another woman for his source of supply pretty damn quick. Which was a relief for us - shame for her though, whoever it was...

Autumnlight, to answer your question about the frame of my I was in when I made the decision to leave, well, in my case although I'd been miserable for years, I felt I had made my bed and had to lie in it. For some bizarre reason, splitting up didn't seem like a realistic outcome. It's hard to think back to my mindset then. Some people have told me I was brave to leave him, but the truth was I only left after I felt that no matter how bad the future unknown might be (after I left) it couldn't be worse than living with him. As it happened though, all the things I'd been so afraid of, eg, losing my friends in England, telling people I was a failure single mother, hadn't a pot to piss in, sorting out the lone parent benefit, sorting out new bank accounts, new schools, children's benefit in a new country, a new mobile phone etc... all the things I'd been so afraid of, and thought I hadn't the energy to organise, it turned out that all of that was easy in comparison to the endurance test (how very aptly put) of living with him.

Obviously I did have several 'wake up and smell the coffee' moments. One of which was when he came into the spare bedroom where I was sleeping and dismantled the bed with an electric drill at about 12 midnight, and another was when he wouldn't let me choose a saucepan, he had to choose it (even though I did all the cooking). And of course he chose the cheapest. I suppose something inside me just snapped, and I was no longer afraid of what I was walking towards. I knew that it couldn't be worse. I left with nothing though, not a bean! It was worth it, but I couldn't have done that if it hadn't been for my parents, so I realise that I was lucky I had that option. He mocks me for relying on my parents! even though he doesn't contribute to the children's welfare. He sees no irony in that!

I hope that helps. I hope you live under separate rooves soon.

clubpenguin and anniegetyourgun that is so true about the respectability of marriage. After I left and was honest to people about my new circumstances, I later discovered that nearly a year later he hadn't told him boss that I had left and taken the children.

For me it was the final straw mostly, with a bit of all the rest. The final straw enabled me to get the correct perspective on all the rest of it. My ex had put me in danger of contracting stds by his behaviour, possibly even AIDS. He was willing to risk my health and even my life. That's how much I meant to him. I remembered that one most important fact through all the sweet talk and the efforts to convince me he loved me that followed the infidelity crisis in our relationship. (And the suicide threats and everything else that was designed to make me change my mind and give him another chance.) That was a wake up call for me.

And I thought too about his utter callousness about the children -- what would become of them if I were to get sick? What kind of a burden is that to lay upon them? What parent would inflict that on his children? He was exposed for what he was and there was no turning back for me.

Autumnlight, please take care of your safety. If you are afraid, trust your feelings and make an emergency plan, and tell people in RL about what's going on. Do you have a friend you could confide in who would let you sleep on her floor if you arrived one night with the DCs?

Autumn, I can't give enough support to that advice: "tell people." OK, many of them will simply not get what you're describing - but many will. Their little motions of support will add to your strength. You shouldn't be doing this alone, especially now he's upped his game.

I didn't gather strength as you're doing. Little by little, the outrages were adding up in my mind but I felt extremely fragmented - like no part of my self could hear the other parts! During one of our many hideous rows - which was all my fault, of course - he announced he was leaving for good (but not for the first time!) Although I was a devastated, weeping wreck, the small voice at the back of my head shouted "At Last! The final rejection!"

As soon as he'd slammed the front door, I rang his sister, his mother and his best friend. They all told me he didn't mean it - well, they were probably right - but I said he did and it was over. I knew that would finalise it for him: he'd think it showed weakness if he came back then. I encouraged them to believe I'd pushed him away with my unreasonable behaviour

Sadly, I did then go on to be manipulated & abused by him while we 'sorted things out' post-split. If I could go back & advise myself, I'd tell me to keep listening to that little voice!!

No surprise, it only took him six months to find a suitable replacement.

trm,
he is only waiting for you to come on the thread, please dont do it, he'd love nothing more. he is coming accross only as a a bully- i dont know how you managed to put up with him so long, he sounds so aggressive and vengeful. all i could do was insult his poetry- what an ass just ignore him.

fluxy3...i have been there. I kicked exh out 3 years ago, but he got police to let him back in. He then wouldn't leave for 2 whole months, sleeping in the same bed, keeping me awake, whispering wierd things in my ears... never hit me. Yes, totally passive aggressive, very scary.

He tried to get the children taken away by bugging the house and trying to make me out to be a 'bad parent'. In the end if I stand up to him, he does give up. Its like rewarding bad behaviour. Its really hard not to do it, especially when he is being 'reasonable'.

I had help from Home-Start to get my confidence back. I went to therapy for post traumatic stress, and also Relate. I went with exh, until the second session where he told me about his new relationship...in front of a jaw-dropped counsellor.

We still aren't divorced, the manipulation continues (won't give me a divorce unless I agree to a 50/50 residency split even though he lives 175 miles away!).

I had my first relationship which has sadly ended. I had a happy 6 months, but his reaction was predicatably dreadful. I had to get a special police check on my new partner (not available nationally yet), he met him then harrassed him by email and Facebook, and we both had endless anonymous calls. With confidence over tme I learnt to ignore and this has really worked.

I console myself that he is a sad lonely soul who cannot love himself let alone anyone else. I have days where it still seems impossible as we aren't divorced and he has stopped paying maintenance, but then I think of the freedom I now have to 'not let him in the room' mentally. It isn't easy, hang in there x

Possession, yes I agree. I always felt that both the children and I were possessions, he wants to own me, even now.

Moanyhole thanks for your message, I'm in no way, shape or form going to post a reply on that thread.
He wasn't getting through to me so he has upped his game and infaltrated my thread. If I comment on what he has said then I am back to square one as he will believe he has engaged my attention once again.

Saying that, it is very hard to see him twisting the truth on there and then read peoples reactions because they believe what he has said..... But I will not get sucked in.

He threatened to 'expose' me for what I really am on that thread and he's tried his best. I don't think he got the responses he was hoping for and has resorted to insulting the posters on it instead. But of course, he is so much more superior then any of the 'forum losers' on there anyway

In a way it has been a relief to see him show his true colours. I can picture the rage he was in when he wrote on it - his desperation to prove that it was all me and not him - and then the arrogant superior way he dismisses the posters replies because they will not see it his way.
It is just a relief to not have to take anymore of that from him in person. He caused me to have a wakeful night last night, but I'm not going to loose sleep over him tonight.

"The thing is that they have a different version of reality to everyone else and once you get this, it's the route to escape. You realise that nothing you ever say or do will be good enough, and also that nothing you ever say or do will change them. You might as well bang your head against the wall. All you can do it get out of the situation."

Clubpenguin, I couldn't agree with you more...

TRM, you are so right to resist posting on the thread. He's gagging for you to defend yourself. How insulting it must be to him that you don't feel the need to!

Somebody told him to keep the day job as his poetry was so awful. I had to laugh at that! It was embarrassingly bad! Poor tortured soul. Jean-Paul Sartre he aint. The last I looked (several hours ago now though) he wasn't getting much support. The best of the support he was getting was 'well if it was so bad, aren't you better off apart'. Not what he'd hoped for I'm sure. And to add insult to his injury, you can't even be bothered to defend yourself! Well done.

Actually Maggie the last post is worth a visit as his mental health is questioned and he is urged to seek help.... and that's gonna hit him where it hurts!

UA if I didn't know better I'd swear I was reading your wit over there....

Troubador! well said! I wonder who that poster is? They are not wrong. He does seem intelligent but his points are all so flawed, if he were less angry he could see that nothing he says makes any sense. He has no right to feel so injured.

I just left another one for him as well. I hope you don't mind. I swore I'd only give him one post, but I kept it quite succinct. So long as it's not you that's arguing with him no harm done I figure.

"Karmal,

This thread was never about judging you. You were incidental, and as insulting and as shocking as that might sound to you, it is true.

This thread's purpose was about encouraging TRM to believe that she had the right to end the relationship you had.

You talk of damsels in distress! A damsel in distress is somebody who needs a MAN to save them. I don't know who in this thread is supposed to be the damsel! It turns out that TRM's very capable of running her own life and making her own decisions and being a very good parent. she's no damsel and is not looking for anybody to rescue her.

Regards,"

ps I hope there's nothing in there that will inflame him or contradict the way you feel. I was responding on a gut instinct to the bits of his rantings that made me angry. LIke comparing you to a whining damsel attracting sympathy like flies to shit! God he's a charmer some lucky woman is going to snap him up!!!!!! Please let it be soon ey?

TRM virtually everyone on that thread has seen through him, how could you not? he is seriously unhinged. i was in a relationship with someone similar, my mother and sister both have NPD, although my mother has totally mellowed out now. You can never win with them, but you've done the right thing for both you and your children. i wish my dad was as brave.

You have a lot of friends TRM, and believe me you will never be alone with this.

Some great responces on the thread, God love him it didnt really work out as planned, the poor divil

poor divil indeed! I nearly called him a little virus, but then I back-spaced it out. I don't want to give him any ammunition. I also NEARLY said (and backspaced it out) that Twinkle's x had called us 'the back slapping brigade' and that was a much snappier and less predictable insult than forum losers! and Twinkle's x didn't even consider himself a poet!

G'Night all.