Does your DH make you feel good

[stradivarious]

about yourself? I'm so fed up and sad because DH always passes negative remarks about me. He sees incapable of having a mature adult conversation without it turning into a nasty argument. He tells me I am like a child, I will never be happy with anything, the list goes on. I often wonder if he really believes this statements to be true or is he just trying to be top dog so to speak. I feel so sad today and it hurts too much.

He sounds like an abusive wanker.

In answer to your question, yes, my partner makes me feel good about myself every day. He is kind, loving and supportive. Everyone deserves this as a baseline IMO!

Agree with cyteen. Yes, my DP is supportive and nice and that's how it should be (the odd bicker/row notwithstanding). What your DH is doing is nasty and it is making you unhappy. Stand up for yourself and tell him that it is out of order and you would like him to stop, starting today. If someone is unpleasant to you like this you don't have to just take it.

Handy for him, isn't it, that you're just so childish and irrational as to mind his constant negativity and criticism? I mean, if you were a reasonable person it might mean that he was being an abusive wanker who didn't care about your emotional wellbeing. So clearly that can't be true, it must be your fault.

If I'm not being clear, what I mean is that the negativity and criticism is abusive. Telling you that you're just oversensitive and never happy is a way to keep you complicit in the abuse.

It's not you. It's him.

Thats the sad thing, I do stand up to him and tell him how his words are rude and hurtful, it just continues, Sometimes tells me 'I have a problem' Its a no win situation and I feel so utterly broken.

Please somebody, can you help me? Short of leaving, what can I do??????????????

Don't rule out leaving!

I'd recommend reading Patricia Evans' book about verbal abuse - she has strategies for dealing with it (eg. just say "stop!" each time he starts getting verbally abusive. Don't engage in any discussion of it, as he'll just try to justify it. Just stop him).

You need to try to proactively not accept it. I don't just mean saying "you're making me so sad" - but standing up, calmly saying "I have asked you not to speak to me like that, I will spend some time with you when you can show me some respect" and leaving the room - and meaning it. Treat him like a dog or a toddler where you have to keep reinforcing the same message. I would also turn it round onto him - say "do you know what, I have some problems with the way you behave towards me, do you think we can talk about where this is coming from and why you feel such a need to criticize? Are you OK? Because I certainly can't keep putting up with this so if we are going to stay together I think we need to get to the bottom of it." Suggest Relate and see what he says.

Phone Women's Aid, they should be able to talk through your feelings and options very thoroughly Good luck.

Wise words from MarineIguana.

My DH does make me feel good about myself, he is lovely. XH enjoyed 'debating' and would argue about anything, even stuff he didn't care particularly about, just for fun. It wasn't fun for me. Eventually I stopped arguing. Then I left. (not whole story, just one of many things wrong)

Marine|Iguana I so agree with what you say but I already do activly and firmly tell him not to speak to me rudely. Sadlym re your other suggestion he would continue to just tell me I have a problem and basically if I am so unhappy then why dont I leave . Last night for instance I asked him if he ever believed I would leave, he replied that no he didn't believe I wopuld ever leave and I always say things, calm down, and carry on.

If he has so little good to say about you, why doesn't he leave?

Tbh, though I don't know all the details, if it's got that bad I think I would be saying, "OK, you can't treat me nicely, and you seem to want me to leave, so you need to make a decision - do you want us to split up or not?" If he does, he should take responsibility for it. Relate could still be a good idea. Tell him you will go and he's invited if he likes.

I have already been down that road. I have asked if I am so awful why do you stay, he responds 'I dont know, I ask myself the same question'. I have asked if he wants us to split and he says no, but then that answer can vary depending on the day, i.e. if he is upset with me (no good reason) he says something along the lines of 'well when you are like this, no I don't see the point of continuing'.

We did Relate about 5 yrs ago and went twice, he then deceided we didn't need anyone telling us or advising us about anything. I told him last night that he does absolutely nothing to make me feel good about myself in fact it was the opposite, making me feel worthless as a result of his negative comments. He responded by saying 'he doesn't need anyone to make him feel good'.

OK then maybe you need to leave! (If you don't want to put up with it, that is.) Do you love him and if so why, or is it just about staying together for the DC? I'm not generally one to shout "leave the bastard!" at the slightest provocation but I think you could be a lot happier without him.

Get rid. Sounds harsh, and I rarely post on here, but this man clearly doesn't understand the whole basis of a loving relationship.

If you love someone, you want to make that person happy all the time, it comes automatically.

If you've been with him for many years and he's always been like this, I wouldn't hold out much hope in things changing.

Sounds unpleasant to me.

We were looking through some wedding photos the other night and DH said 'blimey, we've both put on some weight since then'

So yes he can be an tactless, insensitive git sometimes but never deliberately belittling or undermining.

You deserve better.

I just cant bring myself to break up the family, without his critisism or contempt, we 'have it all'. I am so insecure, I dont believe I am strong enough to leave. I am in tears writing this, we have been married 22 years, I have no other 'family', this is my 'life'. I know to lots of people this sounds pathetic, but it is what it is.

Sorry but it sounds to me like he's making himself as unpleasant to you as possible to force you into breaking it off with hime, thereby leaving him free to be the 'victim' of your callousness. It's not dissimilar to what my XH did- and he still, even ten years later, tries to play the 'pity poor me' card.

either that or he's just basically a nasty person.

What are you hoping will happen here? Are you hoping that he'll morph into a caring,loving human being towards you? Was he ever?

Incidentally my DH makes me feel good every day. He cherishes me- in other words, he does whatever he can to make me feel safe, happy, comfortable, loved, good about myself. And, having been had the kind of man that your H sounds like, I would never have accepted such crappy behaviour again.

The thing is, being insecure is a normal consequence of being verbally abused for 22 years. Having no family or other support network around you also makes it nice and easy for him to continue treating you like shit and reinforcing the (erroneous) belief that you are worthless.

Seriously, ring Women's Aid. They know all about this and they are good people to discuss your feelings with right now.

You say you ask him "If I am so awful why do you stay with me" and "do you want us to split up?" This is all very passive.

How about taking some control of the situation and say "I am a grown woman with feelings and I am not listening to you when you are so negative about me" and "I suggest you move out whilst I decide whether I want to be with you anymore".

Do not pander to him. Simply state the obvious and walk away forever.

He sounds like he has worn you down over the years.

You know what Stradivarious,
My DH is practically "all" I have too, but if he ever made me feel the way your husband does with you, even once, I would leave and rather be on my own than with someone with no love or respect for me.

The fact that you even have to ask others if their partner makes them feel good says it all for me.

Your partner should be the one person who repects and adores you, despite your faults and flaws. You're not his whipping post for everything that's "wrong" in his life.

He's done a real number on you and you are sadly conditioned to accept his vile words, it's not normal in healthy relationships, at all.

Stradivarious you have been married too long for this to be a daily occurrence. I know how you feel regarding the put downs, everything you have said is exactly what my dh used to say and do to me. I always used to threaten to leave as well until one day he bluntly said, "I don't know why you keep threatening to leave, how am I supposed to take you seriously when you never go". The next day I filed for divorce. I was serious, I was happily prepared to do it because deep down I realised that I didn't need him.

He asked to counselling and we patched things up. We still have problems but he no longer makes me feel bad about myself. He really makes an effort now.

The most important thing is after 22 years, if he knows you have no intention of leaving, he has no reason to change.

This sounds all too familiar. He is being abusive and cruel. My exDH was just the same and we did split (he was also a control-freak and heavy drinker). He was like this when we met and it never got much better. He made me believe I was clumsy, ugly and dumb. I now know that I am none of these!

I can't advise you to end your marriage but I think chilblains is right - you have to make him see that you will end it with him if he doesn't stop it. I'll bet if you packed him a bag and told him he's got to move out for a trial separation he'd have the fright of his life!

Problem is I am too scared to pack his bag. Knowing him it would be a red rag to a bull and that would be the end of our marriage (such as it is). He really does believe any issues are purely mine and mine alone. For an intelligent person I find it hard believing that this truely is what he believes.

Look you are getting loads of sensible advice here and finding reasons not to do any of it.

I can't imagine how someone in your position must feel, but I appreciate that it's hard to walk away from a marriage.

Turn it around. What is good about your relationship? What happy or fun times have you had together in the last year?

OP - I agree with others. It really sounds like he is pushing you into ending the relationship so he will be the victim. that you are going through this. ALso agree that this is abuse.
I don't know what to suggest that others haven't already. I second cyteen's recommendation of calling women's aid.