Does your DH make you feel good

[stradivarious]

about yourself? I'm so fed up and sad because DH always passes negative remarks about me. He sees incapable of having a mature adult conversation without it turning into a nasty argument. He tells me I am like a child, I will never be happy with anything, the list goes on. I often wonder if he really believes this statements to be true or is he just trying to be top dog so to speak. I feel so sad today and it hurts too much.

Wow. Reading this makes me realise that not only has my H not made me feel good about myself in a long time, but recently at least I've been guilty of the same. I think I've been retaliating.

I guess his was neglect and mine more insults, but still neither very nice No wonder we're splitting up.

Alibabaandthe40nappies - we have lots of good times together as a family, lots.

QofD - Are they trained counsellors at Womaens Aid, I feel silly to call them. I too often wonder if he is pushing me thus making me the baddie. DC adore their father. Sadly they are sometimes feeling the brunt of my sadness as I can lose patience with them which I know I wouldn't do if I was a happy person. That being said it all points to the fact I SHOULD leave but I can't, I really cant. I am so weak and insecure. Please don't have a go at me for this, its the last thing I can cope with on top on everything else.

Not good times as a family - good times you and him.

Gah he has done such a number on you. Please call Women's Aid, they will help you to make sense of it all.

started to read your op and thought there was hope, but listening to your further comments, I think maybe you want to leave, but are asking how to do it???

you need to gather some strength and start to build up the confidence that he has shattered. Women's aid might be able to help, I've only spoken to them once,when DH was angry and unreasonable but others on here are in a much better position to comment.
You need some external help from somewhere, friends, family? GP??

We recently went out for dinner together and also a pub lunch, all has been ticking along reasonably. It all started laste night because I asked him a question about our finances. I wasn't nagging, I asked him very calmy and nicely about something and it seems it was not my place to ask,]. It didn't concern me, wasn't important and he didn't need my permission. He said he doesn't like to be questioned. It all escalated from there really.

Strad, this is heartbreaking, and I don't have much to add to others' (very sensible) advice. But you say that the marriage/family is all you have and I think it's really important to realise that this simply isn't true. Don't let your husband sap away everything that gives you your identity. No-one is defined by someone else. Whatever you decide to do is up to you, but for God's sake don't for a minute think you have nothing to take away with you if you go, and nothing to give to someone else.

Oh, and for what it's worth - this isn't 'normal' behaviour, or something you should be expected to put up with. In 14 years together and 10 years of marriage my husband has never once belittled me, or made me feel hopeless and pointless. That's not unusual - that's what you should expect, and it's what you deserve.

Oh headbanger, if only I had a DH who treated me like that. I long to feel happy that I KNOW he wants to be with me, is PROUD of me. I feel so goddam worthless . Ha if he saw this he would probably call us all a bunch of sad losers!

Strad - it is not normal or healthy to live on tenterhooks in a relationship. My first marriage was with a man who belittled me and emotionally bullied me. I was never "this" enough or "that" enough and he was superior to me in every way. In fact, apparently I was so crap he left me which was the only good thing he ever did for me.

I am now in a very happy marriage where there is balance and a -healthy sharing of power-. And we work together every day to ensure our family dynamic is healthy and happy. I care about what he thinks and feels and he cares about what I think and feel. My opinion matters and I am of equal importance in the relationship.

Of course your shared finances concern you. And you have a right to have an opinion about that and anything else regarding your shared lives. "He doesn't like to be questioned" is a cowardly and weak response. And completely unconstructive. If he truly was a grown up and responsible man, he would have responded to your question reasonably without pulling a strop.

I don't really have much good advice to impart. I imagine that the patterns in your 22 year relationship are pretty ingrained. But, believe me, there are better ways to live your life. You are worth way more than this. You deserve to be happy and respected by your partner.

Strad, you need to realise that you are "allowed" to ask questions, to comment on things , to say things that your partner may not particularly like to hear - in loving relationships that contain mutual respect.

You shouldn't have to worry about phrasing things the "right" way for him so he doesn't get annoyed, he sounds very much like he'll get annoyed at pretty much anything you say tbh.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this, do you want your children to grow up thinking this is the normal way for a man to relate to his wife?

Whay greyclay said, absolutely.

I've had pals in abusive relationships (because trust me this is what this is). And the single defining factor in them all is that the man makes the woman feel so belittled and worthless they never have the strength to go.

hoping this gives you some real oomph, strad. No-one is ever too old or too far gone in a relationship to forgo the life and contentment they deserve.

Slight cross posting - Strad, my ex used to think the same thing about other people. Everyone else was beneath him. I have since learned that his arrogance was symptomatic of his own faults and failings. Arrogance and disdain of others is usually due to extreme and deep insecurity of the self.

I think you need to break it off with him, sorry, but it's not going to improve and the longer you leave it the further worn down and removed from your true self you will become. Fwiw my DP is just the same and I have been with him now for nearly 5 years (2 dcs, one of whom died) and he never has a nice word to say about me, I feel completely different to who I know I really am because he has severed every link to my true identity and has successfully destroyed my self esteem. I should be following the advice too because I know, deep down, I deserve better. You deserve someone who is nice to you. I for one know that I would mainly feel a sense of relief if my DP left, not great sadness and no longing to be with him.

Good advice, headbanger.

and malificence!

hi for what its worth Strad your DH sounds very much like mine did for the last 12-18 months of our marriage (and to a lesser degree throughout). He left me recently and said that he hadn't been happy for about a year - 18 months... so whether it was always in him or whether it was only when he decided he was unhappy that he showed his true colours is up for question - but actually almost irrelevant.

I have spent the last 5 months since he left with shattered self esteem, blaming myself for him leaving, feeling terrible about every aspect of myself due to his accusations and bullying and questioning if I could have 'saved' our marriage. I am beginning to realise that despite the fact that it was him who walked out on me (so obviously I have been the one desparate until very recently to try and 'win' him back)..

There is no way that staying in this relationship would have been in any way healthy for me long term. I guess I am saying that I don't think I would have had the courage to leave as its such a tough situation , splitting up the family, life as a LP (I am also pregnant so really wouldn't have plucked up the courage I don't think)but I am starting to see that he may have done me a favour - This behaviour will grind you down and make you question yourself more and more.

I should have left but the fear would have stopped me but looking from the outside in our situations sound similar. (hmm especially things like your last post about asking a calm question about finances and him blowing up at you making you feel as if you are the one being out of order) I have just finished reading 'Men who hate women and the women who love them ' It was a revelation!

Crumple (sorry!) - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation too, and I hope that maybe thinking about all this for someone else will also give you whatever it is you need to move away/on.

I think the point about setting an example to the children is so important too ... there's definitely a duty not to let your children think that this is how adult relationships work. whatever you SAY, it will be what they SEE that really sticks...

Thank you but I am just so so broken up and crying I cant even think straight let alone get the wheels in motion to leave (I know I should go but I dont want to call time on 22 yrs). I know I am beating myself up by staying and we have had serious talks more times than I can remember but I do still want to be with him. It sounds totally mad to tell you he is a good person a lot of the time and does things for me. Thats why I stay, because he is nice a lot of the time, unfortunately he is horrid to me too often also. He thinks he is superior to everyone, not just me. He is a very sucessful business man. I know in my heart I am not asking too much of him, I have so much to give and it hurts to be treated like this. Sorry I am falling apart at the moment.

I am so sorry you are being treated this way. Reading all that you have said, and thinking about it objectively, I think your relationship sounds extremely poisonous and destructive and you should end it.

Your partner is abusive and you sound terribly unhappy.

Can you get help? Women's Aid? Friends/family?

Crumple, I am so so sorry for your loss. It puts my mess more into perspective, nothing can be worse than what you have been through.

lookingahead, I am sorry for the situation you have ended up in, I hope things are getting eaier for you as time goes by. Thank you for posting when you are going through your own troubles.

Bloody hell, stop apologising: how could it possibly be wrong to have a good sob over something so sad? I wish you were in the room so I could give you a manly sort of thump on the arm and a cup of tea!

The way you are feeling is absolutely right and just. You have to trust your instincts.

Plus - that thing about him being a 'good man' much of the time: well of course he is. No-one is just an utter outright monster the whole entire time. Even the most selfish and malicious people can have flashes of kindness and good humour. Just because he sometimes shows you respect does not forgive or justify the hurtfulness.

(I meant apologising for crying/being sad. The Headbanger tough love approach backfires again!)

"I know I should go but I dont want to call time on 22 yrs"

Think carefully about what you're saying - you only have one life. You've been married for 22 years, and if you don't either leave or make a very big change, that will be it - you will have this unhappiness forever.

You can learn to find the strength to do something about this, if you want to. Counselling, the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (haven't read it but it's often recommended on here - google it), or maybe something like a trip away by yourself to think, could all help. It may be that you can turn this relationship around and not have to leave, but to do that you would have to change yourself (as you can't change him) and become someone who demands more respect than you are getting.

I have to go out now so I wont be posting again today. I am going out with a girlfriend tonight which is good in many respects. Good as I wont be here maybe having yet another talk that will grind me down and good that he will be on his own (probably wont care anyway)