Is this a red flag or not? AF, Solid, Custy etc over here please!!

[redflagornot]

Have done a shifty namechange but am a regular. Hence asking for straight talking regulars and anyone else who wants to contribute.. I need a judgement check please!

Background - single for a little while after splitting with twunty ex. Well documented on here, won't go into details now but suffice to say he was an arse. Met lovely sounding man online recently, checked him out, he's warm, funny and has suggested a drink.

We've chatted lots via email and text, and as part of that, we asked each other a few questions - one of mine was "do you have any guilty pleasures?" Now I was thinking of Ok magazine and a big bar of chocolate [sheltered life emoticon], but he came back with that he occasionally looks at internet porn

So - the other 50 or so messages from him have all been lovely, very gently flirty but in no way sleazy, he has a responsible RL job where I don't think sleazy people would be tolerated, so do I ignore this as a TMI moment and meet him anyway, or see it as a bit of a red flag and avoid?

No, lots of people (myself included) like looking at porn.

Oh God, more porn. No I don't think looking at porn is in itself a reason not to have a relationship. But it is a bit weird to tell you, especially so early on! I would have been expecting 'watching Top Gear' or something.

I am not bothered about porn (unless child/animal/violent etc), so I read this and shrugged. Although a bit funny to tell you when you don't really know each other. Beware letting him use your computer though - it takes up a shed load of storage space. Apart from that, I think meet him anyway.

Sorry to post and run, but baby DD due to wake any minute.

The poor man probably thought you were trying to be a bit saucy and panicked and said the first thing he could think of! LOL I think I'd be more worried if he'd said OK magazine.

Thanks victorine, it's not so much him doing it that bothers me (I imagine most men do!) but would you tell someone you'd just met that?

Lots of men look at porn. Just depends on how 'occasional' it actually is, and whether or not it causes him to neglect RL things/people in favour of it. Then it'd be a red flag. Otherwise, sounds pretty normal to me.

Cross posts galore. I think maybe I was a bit naive to ask the question and not expect a saucy answer. It just took me by surprise. I am also very cautious due to past experience.

Am actually relieved that none of you have told me to run for the hills (yet) as I do quite like the sound of him.

As for mentioning it to somebody you'd just met - most men I know will freely admit to it it's so common these days isn't it? It's like saying "No, I don't fart" - of course you do!

What Victorine said

Exactly what ConnorTraceptive said.

He probably thought the 'guilty pleasures' question was you trying to initiate some kind of sexy talk and said the porn thing as he didn't know what else to say.

I think the term 'guilty pleasure' only has the innocent meaning you gave it amongst women. He probably thought you were being a saucepot so he gave a saucy answer. If he said 'the antique roadshow' I would be worried.

OK was mine, I would have been worried if he'd said that!! I'm really naive aren't I?

That's a tough one because we don't really want to live in a black and white world, iyswim.

I think you could approach this from the perspective of 'for what do you have a zero tolerance'.

For example, I have a zero tolerance for smokers, and of course emotional abusers-including the entertainment at my expense "just kidding" types. Black and white, anyone...anyone?

Another perspective might be (how to say?) how sexy, or how involved in sex activities are you and/or how important is it to you?

For me, I would see it as a red flag. If internet porn is not illegal where you live, I might hold the red flag in reserve and continue carefully to see if he is addicted to it or if it is just a once/twice a year thing.

If it is illegal (and that is black and white ) where you live, that speaks to another realm of character faults, doesn't it?

I know it is hard to not be "blind" to just one or two things that might be bothersome, especially after going through the mill...
Set your boundaries; your boundaries will protect you.

No, would not be a red flag to me. i think most men (and lots of women) look at internet porn to be honest.

Good that he is so upfront I would say.

What RollBaubleUnderTree said.

I would be put off personally. Not my cup of tea and not keen on the thought of mine getting all hot and bothered over god knows what.

For me it would be a 'red flag' but that's because personally I don't like porn, so him viewing it would instinctively put me off him.

(I know my DH probably looks at porn but he has never told me he does, so as of yet I haven't had to deal with my reactions to that info'.)

If I didn't mind porn then it wouldn't be a 'red flag' and I'd meet him.

I think whether you take this relationship further really does depend on what your particular view of porn is?

It isn't necessarily a red flag, no, but I would find it a bit off putting that he told me. Although I can see that he might have misinterpreted the meaning if guilty pleasures.

I also think there's a subtle difference between looking for red flags and seeing them when they are staring you in the face IYKWIM?

Not a red flag.

Then again, I am biased since I look at porn occasionally as does my DF (who is a doctor BTW and an all round lovely chap). As much as it is not the kind of information I'd share with employers or PILs, since it is private, I don't see anything intrinsically dodgy with it IYKWIM.

Also, it is probably quite good that he volunteers that kind of information - if he really had a problem watching uporn all the time, he would be unlikely to just tell you about it. I also agree with other posters, he probably misinterpreted what you meant by guilty pleasure, which I think is quite sweet in itself.

Unless, naturally, porn bothers you. In which case you might be put off.

What mrsboogie said, it's not the fact that he does it, it's the fact that he told you about it. But actually it would put me off someone anyway, I find internet porn so dehumanising. It would be better if he'd said he went to drug-fuelled orgies.

I think I'd rather the internet porn over the orgies!! At least he's only watching rather than participating, so to speak..

What a range of opinions.. am possibly even more confused now!

He admitted it. That's a good sign...unless that is the tip of the iceberg.

The actual admission is only red flag if you are anti porn brigade.

It's quite full on bare your soul stylee but you asked and you got a guilty pleasure confession.

I don't think you have to be of the anti porn brigade to see the admission as a red flag. I'm not anti porn for all just anti porn for me, hence it being one of my personal red flags.

Red flags are things that we instinctively avoid imo and can be different actions/words for different people.

So redflagornot...Do you mind the timing of his admission or is it what the admission is about that is bothering you?? What made you go at his admission?

If I go at something it's usually my instincts telling me to be careful.

Maybe he's just sussing you out in readiness for the first time he appears at the bedroom door dressed in a rubber nun's outfit holding a bucket of fish and some tubing.