Is this a red flag or not? AF, Solid, Custy etc over here please!!

[redflagornot]

Have done a shifty namechange but am a regular. Hence asking for straight talking regulars and anyone else who wants to contribute.. I need a judgement check please!

Background - single for a little while after splitting with twunty ex. Well documented on here, won't go into details now but suffice to say he was an arse. Met lovely sounding man online recently, checked him out, he's warm, funny and has suggested a drink.

We've chatted lots via email and text, and as part of that, we asked each other a few questions - one of mine was "do you have any guilty pleasures?" Now I was thinking of Ok magazine and a big bar of chocolate [sheltered life emoticon], but he came back with that he occasionally looks at internet porn

So - the other 50 or so messages from him have all been lovely, very gently flirty but in no way sleazy, he has a responsible RL job where I don't think sleazy people would be tolerated, so do I ignore this as a TMI moment and meet him anyway, or see it as a bit of a red flag and avoid?

Red flag to me.

Such a weird and inappropriate response to a mildly flirty question from a stranger.

Still at least you know that if things work out with him you'll be on here in a few years complaining about how your partner spends all his time wanking online whilst you get fatter and fatter eating cornettos alone.

AF, no I'm not SB although this sounds a bit like her threads!

skidoodle, that's a grim picture. No thanks.

Will go this w/e, now with zero expectation. Tis all experience. Will try and get to the, ahem, bottom, of the situation and report back next week.

Yup, pink flag for me too. It's not the worst thing I've ever heard, but it's not what I want to hear at the beginning stages of a relationship, from somebody I haven't slept with yet.

Bewteen ex-p and meeting DH I did some internet chatting. One guy inparticular sounded nice and I asked a similar question. He replied that he was into 'infantalim' (sp) and liked to be dressed as a baby and to poo and wee himself then be changed by his partner. I politely declined his request and told him unfortunately our paths didn't seem destined to cross

I'm sure he was a nice enough guy but just not my thing....

I think it's the fact that he said "internet" porn that would be a pink flag for me. Porn dvds don't bother me at all but there's something about the fact that he specifically said "internet" porn that would niggle away at me. Does he sit at his pc chugging away all night watching seriously weirdy stuff? Does he explore other more extreme porn that you come across on the internet?

Not a redflag to me but it's weird he blurts it out so early on. I mean, is he trying to make it look like a harmless little thing yet if he mentions it so early on it's clear it's an important thing to him?

Am I making sense? I hope so...

I'd go out with him but would see and wait for more revelations.

Part of the problem with asking the rest of MN to decide whether this bloke is a deranged sex preevert with his stuffed dead mother in the basement, or just a chap who, while not seeing anyone regularly, occasionally likes a wank with some visual stimulation - is that everybody has a different definition of what porn is.
Someone got near to pointing this out by worrying that 'internet porn' is different from magazines or DVDs. That isn't entirely the case given that so many people now do everything on their computers (ebooks, watch TV etc).
To some people, 'porn' is 'vile abusive misogynistic hate crime' etc - and some of these people distinguish porn as bad sexually-explicit arousing material from 'erotica' which is sexually explicit material that they personally find sexually arousing.
Other people think that all depictions of a woman with her vest off must be porn.

And some people like to look at sexually explicit material on the internet, which may be simply photos or film clips of ordinary-looking people having consensual sex.

Given that you haven't actually met this man yet, I would not advise you to be planning the names of your future DC with him in any case, but for the moment, date him if you want to, don't worry overmuch about what he said (and don't start the date with a three-hour interrogation into his masturbatory habits and whether he's prepared to stop wanking for True Love) - see how he behaves in general.

Good advice Solid.

I wonder if any man, anywhere has given up wanking for True Love...

Mind you, I would hope that a major red flag for a bloke would be a woman who said before the first date that she hated porn, wouldn't date a man who looked at porn because it made her feel ugly and insecure etc and he had to promise her that he would never look at any or they couldn't have a relationship. Because that would surely indicate to a sane bloke that the woman has major self-esteem issues, is very controlling and probably crap in the sack as well.

Solid, LeQueen and everyone, thankyou. Solid, both great points, especially the second. I just reacted as if a male friend had said the same to me, took the piss very slightly, and he reacted well. I didn't want to sound repressed before I know what I'm dealing with..

It's such a shame as he seems so lovely in every other way. He sends nice, thoughtful text and mails, light flirting but not sleazy in the slightest. And he is very funny and seems on my wavelength in every other way. Aaarrrggghhh!!!

a bit lacking in the manners department though, innit ?

I am going to need to address it early on I think. Delicately.

It's so incongruous with everything else about him but could be a deal breaker, so am better off knowing if he's into that nappy changing stuff (get enough of that with ds).

Hmm.. as someone who ermm.....partakes of the viewing of internet porn from time to time, I would have to say he could really still be all the things that you think of him, but wants you to know earlyish rather than getting in deeper, it coming to light and being a problem.

I am not sure if I would watch it particularly if I was in an active, healthy, happy, satisfying relationship, but I do consider being with someone who might be interested in watching it with me.

I am very particular what I watch... and FWIW, I am not interested in the bodies as 'divine sexual examples of perfection'..it is the acts taking place that arouse me.. so there is no comparison in my mind to someone I might be with. If that makes sense.

I really am about to press post message....

I dont think 'occasionally views internet porn' = 'sleazy sex pervert'.

be cautious by all means, but dont write him off.

Not a red flag at all I would say. Sounds like someone willing to be open. There's a big difference between a man who looks at porn to help himself wank when he's single and a man in a ltr who doesn't come up to bed, leaving you feel lonely while he wanks to net porn. So long as he is the former and willing to talk about how he feels, sounds all good.

Bear in mind that it really isn't a big deal if a bloke occasionally has a wank over fairly mainstream porn online ie, if it really bothers you a lot he might be prepared to stop or at least minimize his watching of it, if he wants to have a serious relationship with you. (Though this is a lot to ask of someone, that they give you the right of veto over their reading/viewing habits and definitely shouldn't be asked until there is some agreement that you are going to have a longterm, exclusive relationship). Assess this man on everything you know about him, how he behaves towards you, etc. If it does turn out that he has a particular sexual preference, or a very high libido (ie wanks five times a day) then that's something to deal with when it. er, comes up. But a fairly likely explanation is that he gave you a flippant answer without thinking about it and is now desperately embarrassed that you know he has a wank sometimes.

That's the closest to sex talk it's got!! I know I was naive to even ask such a silly question (am new to this lark..!)

We haven't been exchanging filth, more just chatting about our days, although tbh I don't think there's even anything wrong with that if it's what you're both into.

I will let you all know the verdict after the weekend. Am normally very good at spotting sleazebags, XH was just a scumbag.

Does that make me a wanker then?

Curious...

I do sort of agree with you there TSC.

But on the other hand, getting to know people on Mumsnet is similar. You get to know them on line and get a sense of who they are, realise something clicks, maybe become FB friends, exchange mobile numbers, agree to meet up for coffee... and a friendship is born, and maybe the revealing different stuff under on line circumstances can be seen as a plus.

The benefit on MN is that if you make a tit -of-- yourself mistake (as I used to do regularly ) some nice people at MNHQ erase it for you. And hope nobody really took in what you had written!

I guess in the context of how they had been communicating, I 'd say he slipped up when being asked about his 'guilty secret'. I suspect more women see innocuous things as 'guilty pleasures' (ie chocolate, wine) whereas men don't stress about that stuff so a real guilty pleasure is well....perhaps a tad more personal.

Well this thread has given me a good idea for an article, anyway .

Omg for some reason I just can't stop laughing at

'...whether this bloke is a deranged sex preevert with his stuffed dead mother in the basement...'