Please help a very sad and confused new dad

[LostBoy]

Hello all
I am writing this post out of shher desperation in the hope that someone will be able to offer me some helpful advice.
I have been with my wife for 8 years and we have had what i would consider a normal healthy loving relationship, Of course we have had ups and downs and rows and disagreements but no more so than any other couple I know.
We have recently become parents (9 months ago) to a beautiful baby girl and things at first were fine we were a very happy little family and were getting along really great working as a team learning how to be a family.
Our daughter had slept in her cot from the day we come home from the hospital and would wake on average 3 times a night for feeds.
we both shared all responsibilites and were supporting one another really well and really enjoying being parents.
However when the baby was around 6 months old she got a bad cold and was very poorly and upset and would not sleep without being cuddled so we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot as our bed is not big enough for all three of us and both me and my wife were not sleeping as well as a result.
However when the baby was well agian my wife refused to put her back in to her cot and insisted the baby sleep in with us saying that the baby would no longer sleep in the cot which was untrue as I had been putting her down to sleep in the cot but my wife was then getting her out of the cot and bringing her in to bed with us.
I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore.
She accused me of not wanting the baby in our bed so because I wanted sex which was totally not the case as I love my wife very much and would like nothing more than to be able to make love to her but she has told me that she dosent feel ready too and that is fine with me and I would never ever try to pressure her in to something she did not want and I told her this and that I was more than happy to wait as long as she needed.
ut then she started to accuse me of only doing stuff for her helping her and being nice to her so that she would have sex with me, she also began to accuse me of thinking things and would make her mind up what my intentions were and what i was going to say before I had had a chance to say anything choosing always to see the bad side of whatever I said or twst my words and actions in to something really ugly,
I love my wife with all my heart and it is deeply upsetting for me to hear the spiteful and nasty stuff she says about me and accuses me of.
It got so bad thet she would not let me even hug kiss or touch her and whenever I showed any sign of affection towards her she would get angry,
She is seeing a CBT councellor for post natal depression and we have been going to relate together but she is unwilling to try to make it work and it has now come to the stage where she is saying she dosent love me and has made me move out of our flat and I an now staying with friends.
I have continued to tell her I love her and that I will always be there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself but all i get in return is anger and spitefull comments.
She is almost unrecognosible as the woman I Love and behaves so completely irratonally and unreasonably but refuses to see this and blames me for everything and gets angry over nothing and will use anything to try to start a fight with me. I am at a total loss as to what to do now.
I love my wife so much and she has given me the most amazing thing in the world all I want is to be able to love them both care for them be there and be a family. But she has got so hostile and aggressive towards me now that I am scared for her and cannot stand to be around her and see her this way.
Our daughter is upset that I am not around and although I try to be ther as much as I can my wife is making it impossible for me to vist and refuses to let me be alone with the baby.
please please help me I have never felt so sad and desperate.

and some very funny people.

But not me, I'm just some LP twunt...

This is worse than a playground...

No, I'm Spartacurse!!

You imply your MIL is deceased and did not speak English, LostDog. Is your wife English or does she speak English? Has she any RL support?

Have you spread stories about her 'unreasonableness' among your (plural) friends? (The ones who encouraged her to go on MN)

If you read Lostboy/Lostdog's posts he says that his friends suggested that he go on Mumsnet to ask for advice. Something that possibly they may be regretting now.

I don't think his situation is that unusual, except that it has become more extreme than usual. Certainly my dh could have posted something similar (except that I did not have PND, I just didn't enjoy babies much). Personally I don't think it is that outlandish for someone who knows their partner very well to be able to see that they are incredibly tired, and to say something about it. Why is that being very controlling? Perhaps it is even true that changing sleeping arrangements might help? I know that when I am sleep deprived I am totally unreasonable and fairly horrible to live with (we had a puppy recently and were suddenly reminded about broken nights).

It all sounds very painful to me. It is probably very painful for the wife too, who may be feeling horribly isolated and scared, and I hope very much that she has lots of support. It seems sad to me that people feel the need to apportion blame, and make out that either the OP or his wife are mad/controlling or otherwise a nasty piece of work. In most relationship break downs both partners play a role, and both need to learn to do things differently (although yes sometimes that means separately and not together).

Finally why shouldn't the OP feel angry? At least towards the illness that his wife is suffering or the circumstances he finds himself in? I'm sure I would be.

This is fucking desperate - some of you have been atrociously mean. It's actually making me wince to read some of it!

Good luck with everything OP, you've had some great advice from some of the posters here.

See this post:
"By LostDog Mon 22-Feb-10 20:32:19
dittany Sun 21-Feb-10 21:45:55
You have to trust your wife lost boy (you need to change your name too - you're an adult man, not a wee helpless boy).

You are right there dittany I am not a wee helpless boy as you so delicately put it so I hope you like my new name better."

Rather sounds like he has changed his name, doesn't it.

Are we REALLY into slating people's choice of posting name to justify our responses?

Coz I think that's pushing the argument a little toooooooooo far, don't you? Or equally as pitiful.

If we are going to take posting names literally, my herbivorous tendencies may go into overdrive.......ommm nomm nom.

Fio, the Lost Boys is a fab vampire film

"I aint got a man......."

Yes fiofio it the name Lostboy did refer to the vampire film and the boys from peter pan who never grow up.
But it seems whatever I decide to call myself on here someone is not going to like it so how about Happywaggytailbouncypuppy what do you think?

I can't believe the guy's now being picked on for his username
Don't you realise you're being bullies?

Oh I see that MN have decided that OP is 'not what he seems' and is deserving of a pasting.

The last bastion of a poor argument, Grace.

"Happywaggytailbouncypuppy" lol! No, don't do it.
Good thing you don't let the finger-pokers get to you (the same people who are oh-so-empathetic when a wife complains about a bullying partner).

I am really not enjoying MN much these days Picking in the guy because you dont liek his username (ihave seen MUCH worse on here ffs!) and the fact that he didnt have babywipes right by his side when he changed a nappy? Thats just really scraping the barrel.

Have no more advice for you OP, but hope you & your wife can find some harmony soon.

Have you spoken to your wife about what has been posted on here op ?

Are you managing to have any communication at all ?

Lostdog, what sort of RL support does your wife have?

Lostdog, hope the following might be useful.

First, I think it might be helpful to read up on women's actual experiences of PND on a less highly charged website than MN.

Second point, many women seem to have an extreme fear of being away from their babies - perhaps your wife found your daughter's illness so distressing it triggered an understandable but very primitive protectiveness that she saw you trying to prevent.

I'm sure you didn't set out to thwart her desire to have the baby in your bed - you probably thought you had agreed on that - "we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot".

The problem was, after the illness, the landscape had changed for your wife - whether through anxiety, or tiredness, or a combination. You thought you could get back to the agreement - she didn't want to. You, logical male, thought baby in cot meant better sleep. Your wife had other ideas and this seemed to be the trigger for her change of mood. Is this when the PND diagnosis was made?

Just wondering too, how severe is her PND? Is it possible she needs more intervention thanjust CBT? Also, perhaps you can find a support group for partners of PND-sufferers.

Most of the posters on here are are so harsh, I mean hands up who never forgot to get the baby wipes before they started to change a nappy?

OP I hope you manage to sort your problems out soon

I did once, turned to walk to the bathroom to go get them, and realised after 5 or so steps that i'd stupidly left the baby on the changing table. Unfortunately, as I turned round it was too late.

I just caught my baby bounce off the bedroom floor.

Doesn't seeeeeem to have done any long term harm........

oh hang on... durrrr

Have you managed to do any research on PND, Lostdog? Someone posted a link earlier in the thread. Did you find it useful?

At this point, there have been 299 posts on your thread.
What have you learned about how you could help your wife?
Have you gained any insights into your contribution to the impasse that has developed?