Please help a very sad and confused new dad

[LostBoy]

Hello all
I am writing this post out of shher desperation in the hope that someone will be able to offer me some helpful advice.
I have been with my wife for 8 years and we have had what i would consider a normal healthy loving relationship, Of course we have had ups and downs and rows and disagreements but no more so than any other couple I know.
We have recently become parents (9 months ago) to a beautiful baby girl and things at first were fine we were a very happy little family and were getting along really great working as a team learning how to be a family.
Our daughter had slept in her cot from the day we come home from the hospital and would wake on average 3 times a night for feeds.
we both shared all responsibilites and were supporting one another really well and really enjoying being parents.
However when the baby was around 6 months old she got a bad cold and was very poorly and upset and would not sleep without being cuddled so we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot as our bed is not big enough for all three of us and both me and my wife were not sleeping as well as a result.
However when the baby was well agian my wife refused to put her back in to her cot and insisted the baby sleep in with us saying that the baby would no longer sleep in the cot which was untrue as I had been putting her down to sleep in the cot but my wife was then getting her out of the cot and bringing her in to bed with us.
I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore.
She accused me of not wanting the baby in our bed so because I wanted sex which was totally not the case as I love my wife very much and would like nothing more than to be able to make love to her but she has told me that she dosent feel ready too and that is fine with me and I would never ever try to pressure her in to something she did not want and I told her this and that I was more than happy to wait as long as she needed.
ut then she started to accuse me of only doing stuff for her helping her and being nice to her so that she would have sex with me, she also began to accuse me of thinking things and would make her mind up what my intentions were and what i was going to say before I had had a chance to say anything choosing always to see the bad side of whatever I said or twst my words and actions in to something really ugly,
I love my wife with all my heart and it is deeply upsetting for me to hear the spiteful and nasty stuff she says about me and accuses me of.
It got so bad thet she would not let me even hug kiss or touch her and whenever I showed any sign of affection towards her she would get angry,
She is seeing a CBT councellor for post natal depression and we have been going to relate together but she is unwilling to try to make it work and it has now come to the stage where she is saying she dosent love me and has made me move out of our flat and I an now staying with friends.
I have continued to tell her I love her and that I will always be there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself but all i get in return is anger and spitefull comments.
She is almost unrecognosible as the woman I Love and behaves so completely irratonally and unreasonably but refuses to see this and blames me for everything and gets angry over nothing and will use anything to try to start a fight with me. I am at a total loss as to what to do now.
I love my wife so much and she has given me the most amazing thing in the world all I want is to be able to love them both care for them be there and be a family. But she has got so hostile and aggressive towards me now that I am scared for her and cannot stand to be around her and see her this way.
Our daughter is upset that I am not around and although I try to be ther as much as I can my wife is making it impossible for me to vist and refuses to let me be alone with the baby.
please please help me I have never felt so sad and desperate.

dittany Sun 21-Feb-10 21:45:55
You have to trust your wife lost boy (you need to change your name too - you're an adult man, not a wee helpless boy).

You are right there dittany I am not a wee helpless boy as you so delicately put it so I hope you like my new name better.

Lostboy/dog - well, was that your mil do you think? Is she your child's nonna?

If so, it would seem that there is more to it rather than pnd.

There are extreme views on here but note that women are pretty much hardwired to look after their little ones and any perceived threat will often cause us tobe scathing.

sprogger oh I do it too. I have no illusions of being anonymous. I said it about lb in response to whenwillifeelnormal - she had said that lb had said nothing to identify himself.

Seems the op is playing games and trying to rile his 'D'W and her family.

Lost whatever, if she does have pnd then you are just plain nasty and I hope she sees you for what you really are.

oh I think I might be lost in thread confusion: sprogger - I read your 18.40 post as a response to my 15.49 one (where I asked you what it was we all do). but just looking again it could also be a response to my 18.39 one (where I said it's a bit out of order to repeat the name in the deleted thread...)

so if it was the former: see my 20.54 post.

if it was the latter: I still think that when someone asks a thread to be deleted it's not really right to repeat its content.

that's if you're not falling asleep at my pedantic urges to fully explain myself...

sorry giveitago i dont undersatnd your question what is a mil our child dosent have a nonna we take care of her ourselves

Its not a hard question.

IS 'NONNA' YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW?

oh I see well I bloody hope not unles she has been ressurected and learnt english

WOW, what on Earth it is going on here? I have carefully read the post of Lostboy and skimmed over the rest and I'm shocked at seeing an articulate man, who seem genuinely interested in understanding what his wife is going through and how to make things better, being treated with such vitriol.

It seems to me that many of you have made some extreme assumptions and that in all the ecco of these assumptions, some people are assuming some of the mentioned issues were the position of Lostboy, or are reading far more from Lostboy's posts than what is there.

Lostboy, ring ParentLine or your GP, mention the problems and concerns you have, and hopefully you may get a few sessions of counseling to help you understand what is going on or help you to find a way to cope with it all.

It seems to me that you are getting more judgement than help in this thread (Although some of the posts are very good).

Good luck!

Now that the op has returned and posted a few times without acknowledging math's and other relevant posts, I feel even more strongly that this just doesn't have a genuine feel to it. Why come back just to playfully namechange and play dumb abt the deleted post, which has been explained in full?

MemysonandI,

I have a feeling that the op will be verry pleased with your (very well meaning and lovley) post.

IME 'people' like this come on here (not very often thank God!) and try to get MN'rs to say "Oh your wife sounds so bad/nasty/mentaly ill that shes not a fit parent and you are sooo lovley ect"

He is not looking for help.

But Dorothea, it's just an assumption that LostDog is actually the OP - who knows, could be a regular who has name changed just to stir things a bit?

Anyway, the upshot of this thread is that all mothers are good. Because they have carried the child for 40 weeks, they have the final say in any child-rearing decision and basically it's tough shit if the father questions that - even if the mother is suffering from PND and may be finding it extremely difficult to make rational decisions.

meh

and

parp

I'm still trying to read all these these posts and make sense of them Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and reply I am trying to absorb the many different opinions and some of you seem to truly understand the situation that me and my family are facing,
I am still quite shocked and confused by the amount of animosity my posts seem so be attracting.
My wife is not bad or nasty or a horrible person and I would never suggest that she is but a lot of you seem to be willing to do that for me and I do resent that.
I would like to thank Screamingeagle, Violethill, Littlereddragon, Heater, Alypaly, Itsgraceagain, Piffle, Fiofio, Noassociation aswell some others I cannot remember for really giving some good advice and really undersatnding what I was asking for.
Mathanxienty for you forthrightness and no nonsence opinions which have given me a lot to think about.
And Widowadman, Sayithowitis, Guttersnipe, Memysonandi and anyone else who stuck up for me.

...and your agent? The cast and crew?

Hands Award to LostDog.

That was an acceptance speech, wasn't it?

Ha ha ooops oh yes it did come across a bit like that didnt it.
yes I did neglect to mention my fabulous management team, my wonderful friends, my fabulous family and of course God

I seem to recall we had a very similar post by a new and distraught dad some time ago - any one else remember? (Disclaimer have just read first 2 pages and last page!)

OP when I first read your post, I thought how much you sounded like my wonderful DH.

apoligies but I only got as far as page 5 and am at some of the comments you have had! But I suppose you wanted a female perspective

He is not even in AIBU for farks sake!

I dont have first hand experience with PND but I do remember those feelings of wanting too be the one in full control but at the same time feeling completly out of my depth. And that as his Mother I was the only one who could understand this little person and meet his needs appropriately. (I have 2 boys, 21/2 & 8 months)

The broken sleep is hard - hence DH going to bed at 8.30 tonight & me MN'ing (DS2 8 months & still not sleeping through grrr) so I understand your concerns about your wife.

I also remember "losing myself" with ds1 , I was no longer "me" I seemed to be either DS Mummy or DH wife, not just me. It helped when I went back to work & also going out for few girly nights and visiting some child-free friends from Uni for a few hours. But it was also hard for me at first to actually go out for longer than an hour & actually trust DH (or my Mum) to be able to take care of DS, and so therefore relax enough to enjoy myself. I also BF both boys & felt it was my duty to always be there for them to feed them, I always felt guilty leaving them with a bottle - totally unreasonable I know!

DH is bloody brilliant but he still gets a hard time from me & I dont even mean it half the time, it just comes out my mouth without me thinking first.

So you put those factors together with PND and any relationship is going to struggle.

Also DS1 has always been a "Daddie's boy" they have had a very close bond from an early age. DS1 only ever wanted Mummy when ill, and this has been from a few months old, so I totally disagree with the others that say that people can just come & go in a baby's life at that age.

These things take time, just try to remember your wife is ill and these things are symptoms of her illness.

a man gets flamed for writing...

Hey there, Lost Boy / Dog / whatever.

Would you like my t-shirt? It's gotten a bit smelly from the viper bites... (love you all, MN ladies and occaisional other bloke )

It's a hard thing to keep track of who said what, and it's even harder to know who to answer and who to ignore. Even tougher when you post something genuine which becomes controversial and then everyone piles in / fights each other. Also tricky not to get a bit flippant when it goes that way, but maybe that's just me.

Bottom line - you've been given a lot to think about and some very good advice. Go check out PND. I would also recommend that you do get some legal advice - just as a fall back / safety net position so that you're aware of any potential "worst case scenario" situations - but FGS don't actually commit yourself to any legal action.

Your DW has the CBT thing going, you both have Relate. Parentline / your GP - good sources of further help.

You should consider your own mental health - perhaps your own counselling eg via Mind / a spot of anti-depressants / both.

It takes a while to be accepted on MN - it's not exactly anti-male (though some can be), it's more very pro-female.

Yes he should take anti-depressants.
Just a 'spot of' mind, no need to OTT.

@ JuJusDad
That made me chuckle...my OH fondly refers to me as a fire breathing dragon... thankfully he finds it endearing (crazy man )

noassociation - not quite the fire reference I meant, but glad to cheer you up.

kinnies - just my way of phrasing things. There are many levels of dosage to AD's, afterall. My own dosage is fairly low.

PS - MN is the best place to get the advice you're after, Lostboy/dog. There's a huge amount of experience, knowledge and wisdom here that you won't get elsewhere.