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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

After 27 years my husband no longer wants me...

91 replies

hangingin · 19/02/2010 14:43

I have come over from another thread. I have been married for 27 years and my husband has been working abroad for the last 2 years. At his insistence I gave up my job in order to join him I was due to move over in January. In November he told me he no longer wanted me there. I discovered that he has been carrying a torch for a female employee although he will not admit is even though I have seen text messages, poems etc. I believe the relationship is one sided - I know the woman concerned who is 20 years younger and I do not believe she is complicit.

When I visited in January for his birthday on my return he phoned to say he missed me and I should be with him and then changed his mind.

I am distraught having completely changed my life to be with him. He used to be very loving now he is cold and distant. Everyone advises me to walk away but I can't I love him as much today as when we first met. We have 4 grown up sons who know something of what is going on but not all. I feel my life is over and there is nothing left.

Sorry to have gone on so much but I just can't walk away.

I don't know if anyone has any advice but any comments would be welcome.

OP posts:

choosyfloosy · 19/02/2010 14:46

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Is there a prospect of your husband's job finishing and him moving back to the UK?

heQet · 19/02/2010 14:58

I'm really sorry, this must be very painful for you.

You have the option of doing nothing, just hoping he gets this crush out of his system and comes to his senses.

You could take back the control and tell him to leave for a period and take time to think carefully about his future.

You could say to him that you have the right to be with someone who loves and cherishes you, and to pack his bags.

You could go to relate and talk it through with someone, and ask him to go with you too.

The thing is, you can't control what he does. You can't make him change or make him stop and you can't make him love you. The only thing you can do is take charge of your life and not make your happiness depend on him.

Original poster

hangingin · 19/02/2010 15:57

I can't tell him to leave he is overseas and I am in the UK. It is his company so there is very little chance that will end (unless goes bust). I am certain he wouldn't go to Relate
(it would be difficult anyway with him abroad).

At the moment I am doing nothing and hoping things will change - he still phones several times a week. I am feeling awful crying all the time. Have tried to talk to him but he gets angry, I cry and all he says is he wants to live on his own.

I know I have to take charge of my life but I am finding it impossible at the moment to see anything in a positive light. I seem to have lost all interest in anything.

Thank you for your comments.

OP posts:

cantcarryon · 19/02/2010 16:15

Stop taking his calls. Stop all contact with him for the time being. Let him see what life wil be like on his own. Then let him choose. If he wants to be alone you will have to accept that. if he wants to be with you he will have to work hard to persuade you to give him another chance.

Stop letting him have all the control. You are worth more than this!

pinksmarties · 19/02/2010 16:21

I remember your other posts. I can't advise you at all but we have a couple of thigs in common.
My h left too (2 years ago) after 27 years and I too still loved him as much as I did in the beggining. We have 3 teenagers.

He's with his gf now and I'm begining to realize that he must have been seeing her when he was still with me.

All I can say is that the pain of the betrayal and continuing shoddy behaviour through our ongoing divorce fuel the hatred that I now have for him, though I also still love him too.
Just do whatever it takes to make you feel better and get you through the day.

In my case it was and still is, The radio and tv for distraction, good friends on tap, the support of my children, counceling, antideppressants, self essteem courses, new hairstyle, healthy food as well as the crap food, self help books starting with "feel the fear and do it anyway" and "it's called breakup because it's broken", divorce recovery workshop (google it), finding a GOOD solicitor and fighting tooth and nail for the house and maintanence. It's a long haul but I'll get through it and so will you.

Look after yourself and BE STRONG, lots of love x

heQet · 19/02/2010 16:23

I think you should stop taking his calls. You are giving him all the power in this.

If you took a break from speaking to him, you might be able to think more clearly.

MaggieMaeve · 19/02/2010 16:27

tell your solicitor that he persuaded you to give up your job...

pinksmarties · 19/02/2010 16:28

PS, when my h left me I remember crying to her and saying "he doesn't want me anymore" and to my surprise she answered "well find someone who does then".

It really made me think and I found it very usefull and empowering and I grew taller, stronger and knew it was his loss, misserable, cheating little tosser.

They really are pathetic arent they. x

pinksmarties · 19/02/2010 16:31

Crying to my friend that is.

Original poster

hangingin · 19/02/2010 16:43

Thank you your comments are helpful. Will try to not take his calls but will need iron will (which I don't have) as I so want to hear his voice. Don't know why he continues to phone really - tells me about his day, asks if I am ok (stupid question really).

Please continue to give me your opinions.

Thanks

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 19/02/2010 16:49

I second what everybody else says. He can't have it both ways.

Take control - tell him you no longer want to have contact with him.

As others have said, this will either force him to realise how stupid he's being, or (sadly) bring the matter to a head quicker if he seriously is going to leave you (which you can't stop him from doing, unfortunately).

You can't just hang on like a puppy - you're giving him no reason to change his behaviour if you do that. You don't have to be strong, just pretend you are, and act the part of a strong person.

Original poster

hangingin · 19/02/2010 17:07

Thank you I will practise being strong.
Unfortunately I am, by nature, a peacemaker and dislike confrontation - you know always seeing both sides of story etc. But you are right he is calling all the shots (he has always been quite controlling).

What I really fail to understand is why, less than 8 months ago he told me he had fallen in love with me all over again and lets renew our vows. It just seems unbelievably cruel.

OP posts:

heQet · 19/02/2010 17:09

Yes. It is cruel.

don't answer the phone to him.

Let him see you have made a life without him. And you don't need him (even if inside you this is not true)

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 19/02/2010 17:13

I have no advice, just wanted to say that I think you're being amazingly brave hangingin, even by posting this. It must be absolutely shattering after such a long time together, and it will take time to stop thinking of 'us' and 'we'. You have to start thinking 'I' and 'me', as in 'what do I want?' and 'is this situation good for me?'.

stradivarious · 19/02/2010 19:03

hangingin, sorry I have no advice for you but just to say keep posting, it may bring some comfort to know you are not alone. I hope you have friends around you at this time who can be there for you. You don't deserve this. I am still with my DH but for what its worth hes probably 'not here' either and after 20 odd years I know the pin you are feeling. Its HIS loss. Take care

Earlybird · 19/02/2010 19:14

How awful and painful.

Do you think he is going through a cliched, but often true, 'mid life crisis'?

I have read about it, and it is astonishingly commonplace and predictable. Maybe you could find some books to help you identify if that is what happening, and if so, what courses of action are recommended.

In the meantime, I think you can go to Relate on your own. Perhaps that (or some other form of counselling) might help you understand what is happening, and then help you sort out what you want to do.

warthog · 19/02/2010 19:59

how awful.

i do think you have to stop taking the calls. turn your phone onto silent and leave it in your bag. he needs a taste of what life is like without you there to listen to his day. it's your best chance to make him see what he'll be missing.

2old4thislark · 19/02/2010 20:10

I agree - stop talking to him and take some power back. I think men often regret chucking away a marriage but they only realise when it's too late. My ex-h admitted that to me..........

Build a new life, take up some hobbies, keep busy etc. Given time and space he may come around. If not, you'll be on the road to a new life without him.

Chin up!

Original poster

hangingin · 20/02/2010 08:08

Thank you so much everyone - have decided to go to France (we have a house there) for a few days and put in motion things to enable us to let the property for holidays. Something we discussed but never go round to. Will also give me time to reflect and decide what to do next.

I just miss his physical presence so much especially this morning when youngest son left and I realised that he was the first person to put his arm round me and give me a cuddle and kiss goodbye for 2 months.

I need strength which I really don't think I have.

Please keep supporting me it really helps.

Thank you. x

OP posts:

2old4thislark · 20/02/2010 09:37

Good luck - maybe you can find a hunky French man to take your mind off things...........was it Mae West who said that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else! I'm joking of course, but a change of scene will do you the world of good.

twinklesky · 20/02/2010 10:59

This is horrible. Men can be so stupid! The girl is probably just friendly to him and he has let his mind run away with him thinking she likes him back. I can just imagine it with any guy that I know over the age of thirty. It's a self-esteem thing.

He obviously doesn't realise how much he needs and misses you. I would imagine cutting all contact would be hard for you, I know I wouldn't be able to do that. How often does he come back to the UK? Do you ever go out for a visit? When did things start to change?

Original poster

hangingin · 20/02/2010 11:04

He comes back about once a month although unusually he has been back 3 weekends running mostly because of business meetings in London and I used to visit regularly but not so much any more since he said I had to ask him if was convenient before I came. Things started to change in October. You are right cutting contact would be very difficult.

I thought I was feeling better this morning but suddenly it just hits me and I go to pieces.

Wish I was stronger.

OP posts:

saintlydamemrsturnip · 20/02/2010 11:09

Yes take control. Don't be around to answe his calls, ring back later or not at all, if you feel like ringing him phone a friend.

It will a) boost your self esteem and b) make you more attractive to him. Someone being very available and waiting is not as attractive as someone who is out of reach.

Ridiculous to have to do it after 27 years but play a game in France. Take some time to go out alone (perhaps have a coffee and ring a friend), don't allow him to assume he can be with you. It will drive him mad and surprise him if he is assuming you will be all attentive and concerned about him. He us about to betray you - well he already has even if nothing physical has happened yet - act like a woman scorned. Get angry.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 20/02/2010 11:11

Oh hang on he's not going to France? Good!

saintlydamemrsturnip · 20/02/2010 11:13

And if you have to ask permission
to see him make sure he extends the same courtesy to you. If he rings tell him it's not convenient to talk. Etc etc.

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