After 27 years my husband no longer wants me...

[hangingin]

I have come over from another thread. I have been married for 27 years and my husband has been working abroad for the last 2 years. At his insistence I gave up my job in order to join him I was due to move over in January. In November he told me he no longer wanted me there. I discovered that he has been carrying a torch for a female employee although he will not admit is even though I have seen text messages, poems etc. I believe the relationship is one sided - I know the woman concerned who is 20 years younger and I do not believe she is complicit.

When I visited in January for his birthday on my return he phoned to say he missed me and I should be with him and then changed his mind.

I am distraught having completely changed my life to be with him. He used to be very loving now he is cold and distant. Everyone advises me to walk away but I can't I love him as much today as when we first met. We have 4 grown up sons who know something of what is going on but not all. I feel my life is over and there is nothing left.

Sorry to have gone on so much but I just can't walk away.

I don't know if anyone has any advice but any comments would be welcome.

Good for you for keeping yourself looking good, and taking care of yourself.

However, based on your response to my question, you seem fixated on physical appearance. Yes, someone 20 years younger is more likely to be in their 'prime' physically than us 'oldies' (and if you're feeling down/vulnerable, it can make for a bit of insecurity), but we have alot more to offer in the way of life experience, world view, conversational scope, etc. Many of the gorgeous younger women I know are quite shallow (that being said, some of the older women I know are quite cynical/bitter).

I think you are making judgements (and finding yourself lacking) based on superficial things.

Possibly Earlybird I have always been quite insecure and in answer to Whenwifn yes he had an affair 20 years ago. I was undergoing treatment for breast cancer at time and was scared I was going to die (my children were very small at the time). The woman concerned ended it. I dont believe there has been anything since.

Had long talk with him this afternoon and he assured me that there is no one else but he just wants to change his life. When I asked how he said he didnt know but didnt want to live back in England. I also questioned
his sudden change of heart but he said he didnt keep track of dates and times like me.

I am really no further forward - he did say I could have moved with him from the start - convenient memory I think as we agreed that this was not an option in the beginning. I think he just trying to apportion blame in my direction.

The thing is you don't HAVE to make any decisions or changes now. I presume that you can afford to carry on living in your home in the UK so I would just sit tight. There's no need to formalise a separation as it sounds like he's blowing hot and cold.

If you can't get another job her, sign up for some volunteer work, the gym, college, whatever keeps your mind off him! Start doing stuff for YOU!

Maybe, given time and space he'll realise what he has with you. I don't believe in the 'kick the bastard out' either!

Where is your husband?

hangingin - I agree he is trying to re-direct blame - and not just with this. He is trying to make you feel obsessive because you have a better memory and timeline to him.

I'm so sorry that he was unfaithful when you were ill - but I'm afraid that speaks volumes for the sort of man he is. And it only stopped when OW ended it, so he didn't even choose to return to your marriage, but you let him. I also have to say, I think it extremely unlikely he remained faithful in the interval, especially given the way he is behaving now, actively pursuing a relationship with someone else.

Hangingin, I understand that emotionally, you cannot cut your ties with this man, although I'm sorry that is the case. However, can't you act as though you have? Honestly, it will do wonders for your self-esteem if you were to tell him that you're putting the UK property on the market/out for rental and will be finding a home for yourself, so that you can start a new life. Tell him you're not going to waste any more of your life and are open to meeting someone new.

And don't think for a minute that you wouldn't meet someone new - you are in one of the best positions in your life - child-care free, independent, economically solvent. You are a great catch.

He's got absolutely no incentive to change things at the moment while you put up with this. He's lost empathy for how you are feeling. So you've got to stop giving him the appearance of hanging around waiting for him and move on. If you've fought breast cancer, you've faced worse battles than this. You are strong.

At the moment while you still love him, you can't see what life would be like without him. You didn't answer my question about who had been the over-benefitted one in your relationship, but tbh, you don't need to - it's bloody obvious - it's been him. That's not good HangingIn.

Would you consider some courses/ counselling to work on that self-esteem of yours? You must have got the point now from all the women on here that we couldn't tolerate this - and I really do think the only reason you can is because your self-esteem is at zero.

Act tough even if you aren't tough, is my message. Your H's behaviour screams of over-indulged entitlement and I'd say the rug needs to pulled from under his feet, even if it is 20 years too late. Better that than face yet another episode of this in 5, 10, 20 years' time, because believe me, it WILL happen again.

So, you went to visit in January and things were good between you?

As you're now not working, what if you went out there for a longer stay? Instead of a 'trial separation' what about a 'trial reunion'? See how things are between you, how he treats you, how it feels when you are together, and what you think of the location abroad when you are there for more than a brief visit.

If you go, take things a day at a time. Don't try to have lots of heart-to-heart-figure-it-out conversations. Just live in the moment and see how things feel.

All that being said, I'm single.......so maybe my advice should be ignored!

Sorry but I have no intention of selling London house two of my sons still live here.

I am fairly certain that there has been no-one else in past 20 years but I do agree he is selfish he thinks only of what he wants with no
thought to how his actions have affected me.

He has a company in Amsterdam Posie.

Interestingly, he comes from a'broken home' with both parents have affairs, his brother also has left 2 long marriages and embarked on various relationships and is now with a woman who is 25 years younger than him with a young child (having left his first wife when daughter was 10months old) so perhaps its in the genes. I just hope none of my boys have inherited it!

earlybird...he has already told her he no longer wants her

so not sure how the "trial reunion" would work

other than to totally infuriate him by cramping his style

so maybe there is something in that after all...if OP could possibly lower herself to completely say goodbye to any shred of self-respect she had left....

I see you are trying to think outside of the box though

Hanginin - what do you want from us?

Do you want us to say hang on in there, he'll come round?

Or do you want us to be honest?

He had an affair while you were undergoing treatment for breast cancer?

He's not one to provide support in tough times then

And you really shouldn't have to worry about how you look for your husband.

I'm afraid I'm with AF- even if you want him back (although god knows why he sounds ridiculously shallow) - taking control and acting as if you don't want him will a) give you confidence and b) make you more attractive to him. He sounds like a man who likes what he can't get

Saintly Very true I think. Off to France tomorrow and don't intend to answer phone to him.

See what happens.

He has someone else or he has had many someone else's.....

Ditch him whilst he's successful, get out now, no man abandons support without having someone else to lean on.

Back from France sorted most of the things I set out to do. Spoke to him twice. First time he was really nice - like old times- almost as if nothing had happened.

Second time he had had a lot to drink and just kept telling me that this emotional link he has to work colleague was not real. By this I guessed that he meant it was all in head. Son has come back from working with his dad again and he said that he is certain there is no affair going on but that he felt the woman may be taking a few liberties (ie leaving early etc.) because she seems to be able to wrap him round her finger and can do no wrong.

Spoke yesterday and he sounded very low and depressed but still no sign of affection to me. Why is he continuing to phone I wonder.

Anyway have decided to treat myself to some nice beauty treatments to make me feel better.

Hangingin - I am glas to see you made the trip to France, I feel that was a real achievement for you. Also, I think it's an excellent idea to treat yourself to beauty treatments.

I think he's ringing partly out of habit and partly because he doesn't want to burn his bridges 100%.

It's probably really hard for you to not take his calls, but you know that he'll ring again. Do you have caller display so you know when it's him calling?

If so, try and not answer just one call to begin with. You can always answer the next one, if you feel you need to. I think you may get a small feeling of power from choosing not to answer his call.

What about treating yourself to a cinema outing? It's something quite easy to do on your own, as you can't talk all the way through it anyway.

Just returned from 3 days visiting husband. He was quite normal, chatty went for nice dinner. But no outward sign of affection (ie hand holding etc.) until I left this morning when he kissed me goodbye.

I feel very low now I am home as I miss him so much. Why doesn't he miss me. He assured me again that there is 'nothing going on'. He said he was at a very low point and she was nice to him and supportive. But he should have turned to me and didn't.

The best thing si to try to not be there when he calls.

Make a HUGE effort to get out, have fun (go to see friends, go to cinema, go out for walks, go away for the weekend. Take courses etc. Get REALLY active.

It will distract you
You will seem more interesting to him, and less available (= more interesting)
It is good for your pride to show both him and you that you can have an interesting a nd rewarding life on your own.

Start with PRETENDING you are strong

Thanks am trying to pretend at the moment as I couldn't understand why my husband insisted I went home Saturday. Have since discovered via a mutual friend that he went to a birthday party last night. When I spoke to him earlier in the day he said he was going to have a rest and then work. He had no need to lie about the party I know the person concerned. Why didn't he just tell me I could have arranged to see a friend for dinner over there. If he is lying over something like this what else isn't he telling me. He is mixing with people much younger than himself - how can he be like this after so many years together.

how can he be like this ?

because he can ?

because you believe him and because you let him ?

he has lied and lied to you...I do not understand why you don't tackle him about this

he is acting like a complete fool...and making one of you, too

sorry, harsh I know...but you sound so passive

wake up, woman

I agree with others who have advised you to take control of your own life. I discovered my Husband was having an affair and I kicked him out. Since then he has seen me coping and taking control and it has shocked him to see what he had in our relationship. Now he is begging and pleading for us to try again, this might be what you want. For me it isn't and I know I'll never forgive him. However I used to feel afraid of splitting up and now I don't. I know I can cope and so does he and we both know I have regained control of my life. Now he just looks rather sad and pathetic and he no longer has the girlfriend either. Where as I'm having a great time. Be strong you don't know where it will take you. Good luck.

good for you, gettingout

these sad fuckers think they are the big I-am

they are not

Hanginin, Ive not read all the posts - just the first few. But I just wanted to say, in my experience of a similar situation, that working out what you want if the first thing you need to think about. It probably will come a little easier if you tall with whomever will listen - you sons? your friends? and most importantly you DH. I hope France will give you headspace to think - and I would recommend you take along a good solid friend.

If you feel your future includes Dh then you need to find a non-destructive way of achieving that. IMHO anger has no place in healing. I personally do not think I also think that getting angry or fuelling vitriolic notions or acting outside of you nature is helpful in such a situation - just feel how you need to feel and react in a way that is normal for you.

Of course I cannot know your sons, but I would say from my experience, do not underestimate the support your grown up sons can give you - and my real plea would be not to pretend everything is ok for them. In due course they will become aware of things and they may well be able to assist you and DH in reaching your choices.

Good luck with things - I know it will be a long haul. whichever path you take. This post is from the heart to the OP...so please do not flame me for my opinions anyone.

LP..I cannot see any reason to flame you

Hi

It sounds to me that he could well be having a mid life crisis. You have had a lot of good advice here. You need to really build your life up on your own - it will make you more attractive to him if that is what you want - or will prepare your new life better for you if not. I have found a lot of support and good information on this forum:a number of Uk folk on it:read the newbie information: www.midlifecrisisforum.com but there are a number of similar sites for which you could google.

Take care of your self!

He is having his cake and eating it. He turns to you for a self-indulgent whinge and emotional support whilst dipping his toe, or his whole leg, in the dating scene, hoping someone 'better' will come along, who'll give him the excitement he's lacking (in himself).

Also wonder if you think by patiently waiting he'll come to his senses in time? Ime it just gives them license to carry on and their respect for your feelings increasingly diminishes to the point of cruelty. And in the meantime your life is put on hold...

I do wish you would get angry about his shabby treatment of you and see that you are worth much, much more than this. I second, third, and fourth the idea of taking proactive steps to both protect yourself and give yourself a future. Shake him out of his complacency towards you by going for legal separation and your share of assets. Whether you are able to reconcile or not, you have set yourself on the path to a better future. Existing in this limbo must be simply horrid.

heated, I don't think OP wants to hear such practical advice, tbh

it has been said before, and she refuses to engage