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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After 27 years my husband no longer wants me...

91 replies

hangingin · 19/02/2010 14:43

I have come over from another thread. I have been married for 27 years and my husband has been working abroad for the last 2 years. At his insistence I gave up my job in order to join him I was due to move over in January. In November he told me he no longer wanted me there. I discovered that he has been carrying a torch for a female employee although he will not admit is even though I have seen text messages, poems etc. I believe the relationship is one sided - I know the woman concerned who is 20 years younger and I do not believe she is complicit.

When I visited in January for his birthday on my return he phoned to say he missed me and I should be with him and then changed his mind.

I am distraught having completely changed my life to be with him. He used to be very loving now he is cold and distant. Everyone advises me to walk away but I can't I love him as much today as when we first met. We have 4 grown up sons who know something of what is going on but not all. I feel my life is over and there is nothing left.

Sorry to have gone on so much but I just can't walk away.

I don't know if anyone has any advice but any comments would be welcome.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 20/02/2010 11:16

Is he coming back to the marital home when he's in the UK at weekends? If he is, I'd stop that straight away. I'd also make him think about things by being the first to initiate a legal separation. It's not final, it's not starting divorce proceedings, but it may just let him know that he can't walk all over you and treat you so shabbily and expect you to take it.
You need to take control of your life.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 11:24

start proceedings for a legal separation

he doesn't want you any more, so why should he get the cosy phone chats and the UK bolthole where he gets his clothes washed and ? a warm body to snuggle up to

you are going to have to find some strength from somewhere, or else his respect for you is going to dwindle away to the point where he views you as just another domestic appliance waiting for him in the family home

you needed "permission" to visit him in London ? I am sorry, but I doubt very much if this is his first dalliance with the opposite sex

you hinted he has been controlling in the past

I think you need to start reading some literature on that subject, and then I hope the scales will start to fall from your eyes

I am so sorry for you, but stop seeing yourself as an object to be pitied. You can't spend the rest of your life in the shadow of this...

good luck xx

twinklesky · 20/02/2010 11:27

I know that if you love someone you always want to believe the best in them, but is this how you imagined your marriage would be? You never see him, you have to ask his permission to spend time with him...it doesn't sound like an equal and nurturing relationship.

It's hard but you have to think about what you want from your life.

hangingin · 20/02/2010 11:39

Dear AnyF
Its not in London he lives in Amsterdam and I really do not want pity from anyone just some support from those that understand.

OP posts:
Karmann · 20/02/2010 14:53

Well I think you are doing very well. You are going to France and getting on with something you have intended to do for a long time. That's a very positive thing to do.

I do think your husband is having a major mid life crisis and would agree with others for you to do your best not to answer his calls at the moment. He seems very unsure of what he really wants and I do think that if he hasn't got you on the end of the phone immediately he may start to question himself.

When you have set the wheels in motion for your French property be very proud of yourself. It will be a major achievement and one you have done yourself.

hangingin · 20/02/2010 15:28

Dear Karmann

Thank you so much for those thoughts. Thought I was doing Ok for a while today then it occurred to me that the man I have loved for so long and would do anything for does not appear to have any feelings for me at all at the moment.

I can only hope that one day he will realise but I feel he is into having a younger model even if only in his head.

OP posts:
Karmann · 20/02/2010 15:38

It's such a difficult time and some days will be easier to cope with than others. Accept how you feel on each day but on each day try to do something positive.

I don't believe that he has no feelings for you - just maybe not the ones you were hoping for. Having said that, I do believe that he has got himself into a pickle emotionally.

Don't expect too much from yourself. I think you are doing well.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/02/2010 17:17

Hanginon. I would bet a substantial sum of money that your H has been unfaithful before - and you have forgiven him , without ever getting to the bottom of why the infidelity happened - and without him doing any work on himself. I'd guess that you smoothed things over because you love him, and to protect the children.

If I'm right, he just learned that he could do this again.

The only way to wake these men up from their astonishing sense of entitlement is to make your own life without them. 27 years is a long time to throw away, but another 27 years with someone who is this selfish and cruel seems an appalling prospect.

It sounds as though you are serenely suffering and waiting for a few small crumbs from him. You can't want to be a woman like that, can you?

You will be a fantastic example to those sons of yours, however old they are, that men cannot treat women like this.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 17:19

oh, thank goodness, wwifn is here

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/02/2010 17:27

Thanks AF . I've got an awful feeling that this is going to be one of those threads where a zillion posters will urge the OP to get her own life re-started, but what she's really hoping for is that someone tells her to sit tight and wait for him to come back to her....and then a few years down the line, this will happen AGAIN, when she's past retirement age and it's going to be much more difficult to start again.

cloudedyellow · 20/02/2010 17:59

This must be such a terrible, terrible shock after 27 years of marriage, hangingin. I'm so sorry.

I think the advice posters are giving about taking control is good, but I quite understand that it is very early days for you and it's not surprising that you find it hard to change the dynamic of your long relationship overnight.

Of course you hope it is all a terrible nightmare and he will change his mind. The painful truth is that he probably won't, but it's no good us all telling you that. You will have to come to that understanding yourself in your own time.

France sounds like a good idea, but be prepared to feel very, very vulnerable at times when you are away from your familiar surroundings.

Be kind to yourself. As Karmann says, accept how you feel on each day.

LadyLapsang · 20/02/2010 19:14

Hangingin,

After twenty seven years of marriage I would imagine you have built up quite a lot of equity in your English house (if it is not totally mortgage free), you also mention a house in France. I think you should see a solicitor and find out your financial position re: your assets and perhaps maintenance if you choose to separate or divorce(you have brought up four children and have given up your job?). At the moment it sounds like he has the advantages of both a single lifestyle / marriage. Perhaps he needs a dose of reality - losing his English home, paying spousal maintenance and all the implications of pension sharing. Might make him put a bit more effort into his marriage. Good luck.

ChippingIn · 20/02/2010 20:10

hangingin - I am going to go against the grain here.

My friend, who is 24 years older than me, (let's call her Dee), had been married 23 years, she was 44 and her husband was working away every week Monday to Friday (a great job opportunity in his field, for 1 year, to help them get on in life and they didn't want to relocate). He was a lovely, dedicated, family man who would do anything for his family. He wasn't one for going out with 'the boys', he loved spending his evenings & weekends with the family & friends. A lovely, sociable, friendly, caring helpful guy, who we all loved. Being away from Dee & the kids every week, all week, he got lonely without even realising it really and was pretty much an easy target for a woman he worked with. I'm not excusing him, nor completely blaming her at all, but he honestly didn't chase this woman, she did him and he just (very stupidly) didn't see it coming. They started just having the occasional dinner with people at work, then on their own, she asked him if he could help her fix a few things at her house etc and it gradually ended up with them having an affair. After a while, he told Dee about it. She was 'DISTRAUGHT', however, he was her life and she did not want to lose him. They'd been together since they were very young and had 3 kids (6, 11, 16). She told him how much she loved him and that she would forgive him, sadly he still had to go away every week as they needed his job to pay the bills (she worked as well, but they needed both incomes), he continued to see this woman for a while, Dee was (very understandably) in a right state and I told her not to be such a mug, to tell him to stay away, to tell him it was over, I told her that if he could be unfaithful their marriage wasn't worth saving etc (I was very young at the time) etc etc etc Much to my shame now, I was quite pushy and I could not understand what the fuck she was doing letting him come & go as he was. I was the only one she told, she was too embarsssed for their other friends to know - she felt a failure. She cried on my shoulder most nights for months, I ended up staying with her & the kids (M-F and weekends when he stayed with the OW (had to work of course ) and it was awful.

However, he came to him senses and stopped seeing the other woman. He still had to work there for a while - but eventually got another position in their local area.

Dee took a long time to get over this betrayal, but eventually she did (pretty much anyway, it never goes away 100%), but that was many years ago now, they love each other to bits. He has never strayed again. He knows what an utter bastard he was, he makes no excuses for his behaviour and he realises how lucky he was that she 'hung in there' while he was being a complete fuckwit.

There's always another way of looking at things & dealing with things ...

I have also been in a relationship where I was cheated on, I forgave him and shouldn't have - he did it again and that was that and I wouldn't put up with it once, not again.

You have been together 27 years (longer than a lot of the people on this board have been alive and certainly a lot longer than most have been adults for) which of course doesn't mean they don't give great advice 99/100 times and if you'd only been married 10 years I might be saying the same! However, I think that if in all that time this is the first time he has been like this (it seems most likely he is having an affair, but you still don't know that for sure and even if he is...), maybe you shouldn't throw the towel in too quickly. All I am saying is that you know your husband, you know what he's like, how he has been for over 27 years - don't be swayed by me or anyone else on an internet forum to do take a particular line of action.

I will be thinking of you and you have lots of support here - no matter how you decide to deal with it.

ChippingIn · 20/02/2010 20:14

LOL I didn't realise that my post had grown so big!! Sorry all!!

I do have to say though, that Dee's husband never said he wanted it to be over & he repeatedly told her that he loved her and was sorry for what he was doing.

I used to tell her that he couldn't if he could do that to her , but maybe I was wrong....??

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 22:27

At the end of the day, I would just not be prepared to see my own life going by before my very eyes for one man

but then, from my posts on these boards, it is clear I don't believe in "soulmates"

I believe there are many potential partners out there that could make us happy

if one of them does not come up to scratch, or did for a while but now has decided his priorities lie elsewhere, I would cut loose

and I would find one of those other people, one of those other men that could also be a good partner for me

because, deep down, I will never, never, never never make one human person the entire focus of my life

that focus is me and always will be

self-centred ? god, yes

but we come into this world alone, and so we shall leave it

and I do feel pity for someone who will allow one person to ruin their life to such an extent

this man is not God, he is not the only one who is a decent shag, he is not the only one that can make you happy

that has to come from you and any man is incidental to that whether you have been together for 2 years, or 27 years...it is a good lesson to learn

OP, I know you think I am unsympathetic and I don't understand

but understand this...you are responsible for your own self-esteem, and the day you place that responsibility in another's hands is a bad day for you

2old4thislark · 20/02/2010 23:06

After being messed around in a relationship I vowed that I would never rely on one person to make me happy if I couldn't rely on them.

Trouble is this can make a person hard hearted and cynical. It also means that when you get together with someone you always hold a bit of yourself back.

The OP wants her marriage to work and misses her husband. I hope, for her sake, he comes to his senses and stops behaving like a twat! I don't think it's particularly helpful for anyone to cause further anguish by suggesting he's been unfaithful in the past. Whether this is the case or not it's just twisting a knife in the wound.

In situations like this you feel raw and vulnerable and just need some words of support and encouragement!

AnyFucker · 20/02/2010 23:10

my words are encouragement, 2old

look after number one

it never, ever fails

hangingin · 21/02/2010 09:33

Thank you everyone. I don't believe anything physical is going on more in his head. My eldest son was over working for him all last week and he told me all he does is work. But I know that he has taken to dinner at least 2 other younger women (apart from the work colleague) but they too seem to be quite innocent (I know this because for some reason his Facebook messages seem to be coming into my e-mail - dont know why - they used to a while ago and then he changed it).

I have asked him why he doesn't want me to live with him (I specifically said that it would make no difference to his social life - it didn't when he was in UK I am quite happy for him to go for a drink or a meal with a friend) but he just replies all the time 'I want to live by myself" he assured me he wasn't ashamed of me (don't know why he would be but you never know) and he denied it. So I am still at a loss - maybe he just doesn't love me anymore but I have no idea why or why his feelings changed so suddenly.

Feeling terrible this morning lost and very alone.

OP posts:
tippytap · 21/02/2010 09:47

Hangingin,

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. You must be feeling terrible.

I rarely post on MN - but have received some great advice waves to AF.

Please listen to the advice people are giving, it will save you so much heartache in the long term.

I don't have any words of wisdom to give you myself except to say, that from my own experience, a man may be lying if he says "I love you", but if a man say "I don't love you" he is always telling the truth.

Wishing you luck.

x

Guttersnipe · 21/02/2010 09:54

I have no experience of this, and I haven't a clue what you should do re your husband. I am not of the "kick the bastard out" brigade - that advice is given far too often and far too quickly on MN - but I can see the logic in what AF is saying and it is awful to think of anyone feeling so miserable as you do and waiting for someone else to make them feel better. I do agree that your happiness has to be in your own hands.

All I can think of in the way of advice would be to find yourself another job, assuming you haven't already. If your dream comes true and your husband has a change of heart and wants you to join him, then a job is always fairly easy to leave, but in the meantime, you need an occupation to stop you thinking about him all the time, and also to show your husband that you are not his puppet.

I hope happiness comes to you again soon.

hangingin · 21/02/2010 10:49

Thanks everyone. He hasn't actually said he doesn't love me and do feel he has a problem with growing older is is trying to make himself feel young and desirable again but going to dinner with women young enough to be his daughter is frankly making an arse of himself as from the messages these girls enjoyed a nice FREE dinner and that was that.

Off to France maybe he will respect me more when that is sorted and remind him that he once thought I was 'interesting' and 'exciting'
(I actually was his boss which is how we met -
ironic isn't it)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 12:42

hanginin, I apologise for my tone last night which was rather hectoring and forceful

I was angry on your behalf and wine was fuelling that

however, my message remains the same

you sound to me like a dignified lady, and not without some empathy and understanding for the idiot he is probably making of himself

don't forget he makes a fool of you though, when he plies these young ladies with meals and fawning attention (but not as stupid as he makes himself look...)

don't wait for him to decide he wants you after all, don't hang on for the crumbs from his table

start, slowly but surely to make your own life, without him in it at all

cultivate your friendships, and, dare I say, the attentions of other men if that should come your way

you have made a start already

and I would repeat...start formal proceedings to separate your lives, you will feel much better if you start making decisions on your own behalf and take the control away from him

good luck to you x

Earlybird · 21/02/2010 12:52

What jumps out at me in your recent posts is that you asked him if he was ashamed of you.

Why did you ask that? Why does that thought occur to you?

hangingin · 21/02/2010 14:04

It occurred to me because many of his business associates/friends although his age seem to have a much younger woman on their arm. Also all the women he mentions as being interesting, exciting etc. are at least 20 years younger just wonder if he is ashamed of having a wife the same age as him. Although I do try to take care of myself, dress well etc he doesn't seem to notice. The husband of a close friend actually send to me "the man is a fool he wants to be careful you don't meet someone else - you'd be snapped up you look fantastic" this made me feel better for a while but then I just wondered why my husband doesn't feel this way!

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/02/2010 14:32

Hanginon - in trying to decide whether someone's behaviour is aberrant, it is always sensible to recall whether they have previously behaved in a similar way. Has he been this selfish and cruel before? Who was the over-benefitted one in this relationship, him, you or was it equal, once you got married and had children?

Has he been unfaithful before?

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