can someone help me understand what happened last night.

[confusediam]

I would really like some other points of view on what happened last night.

I went out on a first date with a guy I met on Match.com last night. We had been speaking for several days and he seemed very very keen, ie saying it was fate that we met and that he thought I was very beautiful and just his type. He was incredibly charming and I guess I fell for the charm a bit. Anyway, we met at a local pub for a meal and he was very nice and good looking etc. Then about half an hour into the evening I began to feel very unwell. I developed a splitting headache very quickly and began to feel very weird. I broke out in hot and cold sweat and felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn't concentrate on anything and then I had a cold pins and needle rush that went through my entire body. I went to the toilet and was very wobbly and began to get a bit freaked out. I went back to the table and said I felt unwell and so we went outside. The fresh air made me feel a bit better and we then sat in his car for a bit and had a kiss and cuddle but nothing more. I really liked him. I think he did try to touch me but I firmly said no. He then said he had to go so I got out and into my car and drove home.

One thing, half way through the evening he went to the toilet and took his drink with him - I thought this was very weird.

He asked me to come over to his place on Saturday and said we could go in his hot tub and I should bring my bikini.

When I got home I went straight to bed and fell asleep very quickly and then woke up at about 3 am and suddenly had a panic and thought that maybe my drink was spiked. I wasn't drinking alcohol by the way. I then thought that I had had a very bad migraine but I have never experienced those symptoms with a headache before, especially the intense sweating and hot and cold flushes and pins and needles.

Am I being totally and ridiculously paranoid? I hope so. Unusually I have not had a text from him today but did log onto Match.com a moment ago to see a message from him saying "you are still as beautiful as ever". I am very confused as I did like him.

Any ideas anyone?

good girl, confusediam

now, next time, come on here and run someone past the MN vipers wise women, ok ??

don't see why internet dating is any more risky than friend of friend stuff
the only really bad exp I've was friend of friend, who I def knew less about than someone I corresponded with on match over some months
just proceed with caution and watch out for unusual or ott behaviour
very sorry you had this experience op
I'm also mid 40s and simply would not meet anyone single in the normal course of things, I do have a good social life but all partnered or female

AF i absolutely see what you're saying. there is no provable crime, and that is exactly what this guy's possible (probable) type thrive off. but you can report your suspicions, whether the police investigate further or not is beyond anyone's control. but it's highly unlikely that if he did spike OP's drink that is an isolated incident. he has probably done it before, and will probably do it again
this guy may have had suspicions raised before.
i believe it is worth reporting such suspicions, but not to expect it to amount to much.
it bloody sucks.
OP just please be careful if you continue online dating. ignore anyone who rabbits on about fate, ignore anyone who is in any way inappropriate, don't meet anyone too close to home. but above all else, listen to your instincts, don't drown them out with worries about being alone etc.

The thing about friend-of-a-friend is that there is a network around the relationship. Both sides are prevented (hopefully) from doing anything too dreadful to the other - well, let's say criminal (dreadful things happen all the time - as s/he could not easily disappear.

This is in addition to all the stuff about sharing values, habits (smoking/non-smoking), and friends to go out with without first-meet awkwardness.

Having said all that, I have a friend who is going out with someone from t'internet, and it seems to be no less successful than many other relationships. Well done, you may say, but they are making an effort.

Hi confusediam, I am very happy that you escaped that situation unharmed, it stinks of drink spiking from all angles.

I have gone through the internet dating stuff and I have to say, in my experience it is VERY different to "meeting friends" when you're out. Extremely different. The internet is the perfect opportunity for the small percentage of weirdos to look normal until they meet you. And many of these men have more or less perfected the technique of grooming women with words on a screen and just tell them what they want to hear. Friends you meet out when you are with some of your own friends are showing you their faces from the beginning, their mannerisms, their words... you can judge if they're looking you in the eye, if there's anything that makes you feel "awkward" about them, if your friends know and trust them... all these valuable hints are lost online. And sometimes we undervalue them big time.

That said, I have met great guys online too. You just have to be extra aware.

See, my DH knew I loved him and told me flat out that he wasn't interested

So when he asked to start dating, I knew he was genuine

(In his defense, he was 21 & I was 18 at the time).

Genuinely Confusediam, find something that interests you, join a club, meet people & see what happens.

Thank you ladies for all your pearls of wisdom that make very good sense. Feeling pretty crap now but so glad for your support and I feel pretty sure that I was not imagining things last night now.

Another thing: I have never ever met a genuinely great guy that started telling me how wonderful I am, how this is all fate and how we should be together before we ever met in person. Actually when that happens, I stop talking to them immediately. It is one of the biggest red flags.

The easiest way of understanding why is just to apply it to yourself: would you say any of these things to just a nickname on the screen that you don't know anything about? Wouldn't you feel stupid if you did? Any normal person would. Ergo, whoever does it is NOT a normal person and most probably has a hidden motive.

Another vote here for this man having spiked your drink. However, as others have said, no point in blood tests now as the drug will have left your body, and as there is no proof, reporting him to anyone will just come down to his word against yours.
As to future dating, plenty of people meet nice dates (and indeed future husbands) via online dating etc - and it;s not unheard of for friends-of-friends to be abusive predators (there is a thread at the moment about someone who was stalked by a bloke who was at least acquaintance-of-a-friend).
GOlden rules of internet dating are, and remain:
Meet in a public place and have your own transport there and back (whether that's driving or going on the bus)
Tell someone where you are going and when you're going to be back
If you are not confident about your own instincts then arrange for a friend to call you during the date to check how things are going.
If you are uncomfortable or uneasy about the other person's behaviour, just make your excuses and leave. Remember that you don't owe an internet date (or any other date) anything - not sex, not a relationship, not even any future contact if you don't like the person (though admittedly doing a runner from the restaurant and stiffing someone with the bill is harsh if s/he is simply dull or not as attractive as you had expected).

confusediam, I'm so glad you're out of this safely now

You drove home???! My god!

FWIW, I think you had Rohypnol (or a lookalike) and I think the only reason you didn't wake up in a strange place, feeling weirdly violated, is because you weren't drinking alcohol. Its 'date rape' status derives from the way it reacts with alcohol in the body. Without alcohol, it's a powerful relaxant.

Your symptoms made me think first of ketamine, actually. It's often used to spike drinks - usually "for a laugh" (haha), though the 'K-hole' makes a handy rape opportunity for that kind of criminal. Again, the effect would be diminished as you weren't drinking alcohol.

He either took his drink to the loo to make sure you drank the right one, or he's so crazy he projected the tendency to spike people's drinks onto you - so was playing safe, in his mind.

He undoubtedly is crazy. All his behaviours indicate that. You're well outta there!

PLEASE PLEASE go to the police and get tested. Rohypnol can now be detected in your hair up to a month after a dose.

See link -

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape_drug

Slightly off on a tangent but my friend tried internet dating for a couple of years and had a horrendous time. Quite a few blokes turned out to be married, the divorced/separated ones talked about how much they despised their exes and another had a chronic cocaine addiction that he managed to hide for the first couple of weeks. This is a professional woman who thought she was being quite picky about the ones she chose to meet.

She has now decided that she doesn't want a full time relationship due to the number of nutters she has met and is happy just to have a 'good shag' every now and then until she meets someone suitable. She signed up to a few appropriate websites and now has a group of 'friends' that she meets as and when the mood takes her.

She says that it was so much easier because everyone was up front about what they were looking for. No lies, no bullshitting, no expectations and it was easy to weed out the married ones as they only wanted to meet during the day - presumably when they could sneak time off work without their wives/partners finding out.

And yes, this is a friend and not me! Thank God I'm not single. I wouldn't know where to start but I'm certainly not that brave.

I'm with everyone here. I think he gave you a test dose to see how you would react. The fact that he didn't ask how you were the morning after speaks volumes. You had a lucky escape.

Confusediam, I'm really sorry about that horrible experience but glad you've escaped what could have been a much worse situation. (I won't use the word fate there). I absolutely agree with Rhinestone, get tested, if they don't find anything it will be a shame, but if they do, you may well save his next victim/s from a worse fate. This man may be known to police or have a record, at least if you flag his name to them it might stop anything worse happening.

And definitely tell the website.

This has been a big lesson for you. I hope it doesn't spoil your enjoyment of meeting new people though.

Another FWIW, in case anybody finds it useful:
During my wild & unhinged years, I cultivated a habit that's served me well at various times.

As soon as I start feeling woozy for any reason, I head to the bar and ask for a pint of tap water. This helps sober me up, and puts me in pole position if I need saving - bar staff flag the request as a potential problem.

If the water helps and I'm with friends, I get another pint and go back to them. If something's wrong I ask the bar tender for a minicab / help ringing home(!) / black coffee / a policeman.

It's a habit I recommend most highly

It does sound like you were drugged but god only knows what with.

If you look on match.com website it tells you about reporting other users. I think you should seriously consider reporting him - this will not be a one-off. If someone else reports him they might do something about it. He could be a rapist. It's not the same as reporting him to the police.

I once had my drink spiked with sleeping pills by an ex-boyfriend. Luckily nothing happened but I knew as soon as I (finally) woke up what had happened. If your instincts tell you that your drink was spiked then it's 99% certain you are right IMO.

poor thing.

i would email match and say you went on a date and you think your drink was spiked. that's all. if other women have said the same thing they can take it further. if not, they probably won't do anything but they'll be on the alert. don't let it go.

Eek! I am scared reading your post,like everyone else I agree that a)only control freaky woman hating weirdos come out with all that gumph about fate etc when they don't even know you.
and b)if you have a gut instinct about what happened and how you were feeling then the chances are high that you are right.

Mention of ketamine reminds me of another story; it was used on someone I know by two strangers at a bar (she is not single but was out with a friend, I guess chatted to these men, and they targeted her).

I don't really know the details, but AFAIK she escaped from them; however, she ended up collapsing in the street and falling forward and several of her teeth were knocked out, necessitating lots of painful emergency dental surgery. I'm not aware that the police ever caught the men, despite CCTV checks etc.

Leaving aside the possibility of drugging-he sounds wierd tbh.

Takes drink to toilet-that´s reason enough not to see him again imo!

I would also tell match.com-maybe there have been other complaints.

Thank you so much everyone for all your support and some really good advice. I never heard from him apart from that one e-mail on match so tbh that confirms it for me.

Still don't know if it's worth going to the police - can't face it to be honest. I'm feeling pretty low this morning as I think it's just hit home what could have happened.

Still got a low level headache and feel weak and no energy at all.

Why do I still want to meet a man? Perhaps I should just have casual sex every now and again (safely of course) as someone suggested!! Sounds good at this moment in time.

Don't know what to do about it at the moment.

so sorry you are going through this confused and understand your feelings about the police, although maybe you could mention it on the phone to them kind of informally? I was once followed by someone and just to phone and say when/where made me feel a lot better. Is he still active on match? what harm could it do to report him, and say what you've said here - that's what the facility is for. Phone police first and ask their advice on what to do about it? you don't have to be formally reporting a crime, just asking their advice
and there's no need to think about dating/not dating just yet, give yourself a break, you have had a horrible experience. I don't believe this is a particularly 'internet' problem either, as I said the worst experience I had was with friend of friend, I have only met one man via internet and he was Safe as Houses (with a small steam railways problem)
Most of all DON'T blame yourself

I think you would feel like you had done something if you at least reported him to match.com -- how do you feel about that, as opposed to police?

I know you said you can't face contacting police, OK, but I don't think doing nothing about it is going to help restore your spirits. You might later wish you had done something positive, y'know? Might make you feel better.

"I don't think a decent guy would have tried even a "kiss and a cuddle" in the car if he knew you were feeling unwell."

bingo!

It's not clear that he did spike your drink, but a useful take away from this would be not to make yourself vulnerable in the way you did last night - going outside alone with him and getting into his car, particularly when you were feeling unwell and were potentially compromised in terms of your ability to respond to threatening behaviour was ill advised.

Please, please, please report this assault to the police, even though you feel shaky and maybe even foolish. Drugging you was an assault. It was a crime. You might save another woman.

Hard to tell with the drug possibility. I have had symptoms like yours with bad sudden onset food poisoning (but with the runs too) or if I'm really nervous and wearing tight clothes so my breathing has been shallow together with an adrenaline rush. However, something doesn't seem to add up with this bloke at all.

The fact that he got you into his car and wanted to kiss/cuddle rather than worrying about how you were feeling and looking after you shows to me that he is all wrong.

The soul mate stuff early on is all wrong too in anyone over the age of about 18 I'd say and suddenly he can't even ask you how you are the next day?

I'm wondering why you didn't ask him why he was taking his drink with him when he went to the loo? I don't think the net is full of dangerous men, I've met good ones as well as the married liars so you have to be able to be really up front with guys. If you feel shy to ask him why he is taking a drink to the loo then I'd say that you should be really, really careful about net dating and try to get more confidence to be open with people.

Glad you're OK. Good luck finding a better model!