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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else had a shit Valentines day?

32 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 16:25

Me and dp have separated on a trial basis, still seeing each other occasionally etc etc. He was meant to take our one to footy and then make me Sunday lunch. Didnt quite turn out that way though- I took the kids to footy and then for a carvery!He went out last night and obviously got hammered (the reason why we are separate) and didnt turn his phone on until 2pm!!! Then sent the usual txts saying sorry etc etc - I have not replied.......Make me feel better

OP posts:
TheUsefulSuspect · 14/02/2010 16:30

time to move on my dear.

He clearly is a selfish prick.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 16:33

Thankyou, very consructive are you a counsellor, ha ha.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 14/02/2010 16:39

op no offense meant but what do you expect to hear - you are trying to resolve relationship issues and it means so little to him that he cant even manage to be respectful whilst trying to resolve things with you. He will never change so make your decision - do you want to be treated how you are or do you want something different. If it is to carry on with him you cant really complain when he behaves the same way in the future. If it isnt then you wont need to worry about it as it is over. From your op it sounds like you are hinting at an alchohol issue and take it from me unless he gets serious help he wont stop.

devastatedbuthopeful · 14/02/2010 16:40

Yes I have too. My H left me in October for OW.
I just keep thinking about him and what they are doing together. You might say move on to me as well but I am finding it really hard.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 16:41

I know, I wasnt being funny. I was laughing at the reply - selfish prick is exactly what he is and yes he has an alcohol problem. Such a shame cus away from that he is a charming man. Oh welllife goes on eh

OP posts:
Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 16:44

Dev - I wouldnt say move on to you at all. It is recent for you - my dp has been a selfish prick for around 7 years! I would say though that alot of couples are celebrating V day because they feel they have to. As for your ex dh and the wicked ow, i bet he has thought of you today also. It really is just another day, plese dont be too down x

OP posts:
twinklesky · 14/02/2010 16:46

I don't know a single couple who have been together for more than a few months who can be bothered with all the crap associated with V day.

There's a reason Marks and Spencers have sold out of chocolates on their £20 deal before they sold out of roses...men are shit.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 16:47

Good point Twinkle! I made a card for my 2 boys and put some top gear trading cards in there for them. That made me happy!

OP posts:
devastatedbuthopeful · 14/02/2010 16:59

It's not just today, it's everyday, I think of him and OW and what they are doing together. That it should be me with him, not her. Lots of people tell me it's early days yet but it doesn't feel like it. I have so many decisions to make about my life and where I go from here, but don't seem able to . I just feel miserable and tearful. I know he is selfish and cannot bear what he has done to me, but sometimes I wish I hadn't found out about them, as he says he would have still been here with me and still loves me and will always take care of me.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 17:08

Thats a it of a cop out tho isnt it. If he still loved you and cares for you why oh why is he with someone else. Have you told him that you would have him back and would want to work at it?If you hadnt of found out you would be living a lie and thats not fair on you at all - you deserve better than that

OP posts:
devastatedbuthopeful · 14/02/2010 18:32

I know we deserve better, and we have been lied to for over 3 years, this is how long his affair had been going on before I found out. But how do you switch off your feelings. He is not a bad man, he is very good company, generous, loving, a great dad and unbelievably a good husband. He says he is ashamed, embarrassed and feels dreadful for what he has done. I cannot hate him, I wish I did.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 18:38

I understand you are hurting but read that last message you sent. If he is all that you say he wouldnt have an affair. He is a liar and you could never trust him. If he feels that bad why is he still with her and not alone to show you some respect? Sorry I know it hurts

OP posts:
Malificence · 14/02/2010 18:40

Twinklesky - that's a very cynical view, we've been together 28 years and are still bothered. It's a matter of choosing the right man in the first place .

devastatedbuthopeful · 14/02/2010 18:41

I have asked him those things too. I know I could never trust him, but after 26 years together it is really hard. I have been with him all my adult life and can see no way out of the sadness. I just want joy in my life again.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 14/02/2010 19:19

M - you are a very lucky woman I wish I were you.
D - That is an awful long time I agree, my parents divorced after my dad had an affair at 28 years. He regrets it now but both have mariied again and are happy. What is his thinking?

OP posts:
devastatedbuthopeful · 14/02/2010 20:08

SMRus, what do you mean? If you are asking why after such a long time, then he honestly cannot answer. I have asked him time and time again. He says there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship and as he says he loves me, and the kids and his life with us. He says he got close to someone else and fell in love with her, he got in deep and couldn't get out.
I have no idea how he can justify what he has done, I don't think he does. He is very remorseful, and sorry, apologises constantly, has tears in his eyes. He says he can't give her up. Yet he managed to let me go, I feel very disposable, old, ugly, worthless.

CanadaDry · 14/02/2010 20:50

Devastated that is just awful - he is stopping you from moving on by feeding you these lines.

I don;t believe anyone can really, truly, love two people at once. He's made his choice but he's keeping you trapped in the past by giving you false hope imho. Even if he DOES love both of you, in different ways perhaps, he should keep those feelings to himself because it's not going to help you at all.

It makes me think he's telling you on purpose to kind of keep you in reserve if it all goes pear shaped with OW. And that's a horrible thing to do.

Not sure what to advise

I had a non-Valentines too - celebrated the Chinese New year instead

darkandstormy · 14/02/2010 20:55

devastated- no words of wisdom I am afraid but lots of rl hugs.be kind to yourself,it is a cliche but you deserve so so much more than this.

chinupgirl · 14/02/2010 23:07

Hope this helps.

Last Valentine's Day was horrific for me as husband had walked out after New Year and was busy blaming me for his affair.

This year spent day with DS making biscotti and chocolate brownies (Yum yum) and was sent card by DS (really cute). I haven't cried once, oh hurrah for me.

Hubby has given up contact this w/e as he is on sordid w/e away with someone else's wife. A woman he won't even admit to being with. How crap is that. So she's walked out on two kids and a husband for a man who doesn't really want her.

Dev, last weekend I was a real mess, thanks to some pretty horrid behaviour on behalf of the ex and OW. And so this w/e has been a real pleasant surprise. It's been nice and quite frankly I didn't think I'd be saying that for a while. Keep going, and when you need some more support, you'll find it round here.

devastatedbuthopeful · 15/02/2010 08:41

Thanks for the support, and kind words. I feel so foolish, to keep thinking of him, but it's all that has been taken from me as well that is so frightening. Let alone losing him, I have to move from my lovely home, and give up my job, albeit a low paid part-time job, and this may seem materialistic but my lifestyle will change, travel, 5* hotels, the corporate wife and all the trappings. I know i should probably move back to where I grew up and live near my sisters, but that doesn't feel right at the moment. I don't feel brave enough to do this alone.

Original poster
shatteredmumsrus · 15/02/2010 10:34

All the love and luck with whatever you decide, be strong xxxxx

OP posts:
mollybob · 16/02/2010 06:15

had a miserable time too - wish my DH would leave me but he won't - complicated and very stuck

don't want to sidetrack your thread DbutH but just to say you're not alone - hope this next year is better for you

mmmwine · 16/02/2010 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 16/02/2010 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheerfulvicky · 16/02/2010 20:36

Mine was a bit poo, but trying to be positive generally so didn't dwell on it.

DP and I have gone through a 'should we split up' phase at least every six months since we got together 2 and a half years ago. Each time my feelings for him die a little bit more, although the friendship and generally getting along together bits are still present and correct. So we aren't really together as such but are still living in his house because it seems financially stupid and emotionally pointless for either of us to move out. Long story but we have gone over it time and time again and just end up still living together.

I thought we had agreed not to bother for Valentines, so I was surprised when I came out the shower and there was a plant and some strawberries in the middle of the living room floor. DP had taken DS off to town for a walk. Bit and because I didn't get him anything - but didn't want to. There's just nothing there. When I asked him he said something like "Well I said you could do what you wanted - and I felt like buying you something so I did". Was a bit sad really

Valentines day is not a cool day if you and your other half have recently split, are in the process of splitting up or are at each others throats constantly.

Never mind ladies, I find reading Charlie Brookers excellent article on the subject always cheers me up. Here's to happier/repaired relationships or great sex and cuddles with new partners, whichever suits.