Is an emotional affair as bad

[stradivarious]

as a physical one? Can it ever be ok, even when it doesn't seem wrong?

Don't be silly - its not a matter of english. My spelling and grammar are pretty bad.

Emotional affair or friend changes completely what you are asking. I am not being mean. I am trying to figure out what the problem is....

If you are saying you have a good mate who happens to be an ex then that is a non question - of course having a partner does not preclude friendships.
If it is an emotional affair which is to any extent excluding your partner then that is different.

It is like saying 'am I unreasonable to pay my milkman' instead of [oops] 'am I unreasonable to sahg my milkman'

that would be 'shag'
( told you my spelling was shit)

I have male friends that I tell things to... and feel no need to run home and discuss it with dh. In fact I worry about people whose lives are so wrapped up in their dh that he is the centre of their universe. I see my marriage as a team effort - not a romantic ideal where dh and I have to share every innermost secret.

How can it be worse to chat on the phone once a week to someone you never see in person than to have sex with someone else??

I've never heard such bolleaux

Yes, I understand now. I named it that because me and friend HAD been talking about our PAST relationship. Now it is just random stuff.

[sigh]

yes indeed. I have male friends and we chat and no, I don't run home and tell DH. That is not even close to what I said

What I am saying is that there is nothing in those converstaions which would cause me any regret or shame were DH to over hear them or be aware of through any circumstance.

DH and I are friends and trust each other and have several seperate friendships each and are not in each others pockets.

But I have nothing I would need to hide and nor does he.
NEEDING to hide stuff is the red flag.
So not bloocks, no

I have a headache.............

So what's the question then OP?

I will check later to see if OP clarified.
In the meantime please ignore me...
[twat]

Fortyplus, and I have the exact opposite view to you, I would say I worry for someone who doesn't share their innnermost secrets with their partner. I think it's absolutely wrong to tell a friend something that you wouldn't tell your husband/wife.

If you don't look to your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs, why exactly do you look to them? I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't the centre of my universe quite honestly.

I'd also say that if there are things you can't share with a partner, you're either with the wrong person or you have issues.

A secret friendship is bad, whichever way you look at it. My DH has plenty of female friends, he doesn't confide in them about anything though, or have deep and meaningful conversations with them, if he did that would mean that our marriage was lacking in some way or other.

Clarification for those who need it, you know who you are. Is it ok to talk on the phone to an ex, just once a week without DH knowing about it. First we talked about the past and why it happened and now we talk everyday random stuff and treat each other as a friend. THATS IT. Nothing is said that could be construed as flirtatious or suggestive. Would I like my DH to do same with an ex - NO, but thats me. I am reasonably happily married, not leaving, not having an affair, nothing. Just increased my friend circle recently with ex.

We do not have deep meaningful conversations, we are not sharing secrets.

Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It would even be ok to meet up with him and do the sex with him.

HTH!

strad, if your latest clarification is the full story, why did you feel the need to post this thread ?

Malificence I'm not saying I wouldn't tell dh - I'm saying that I don't feel the need to run back and tell him everything. We've been together 25 years and get along just fine, so I don't see a problem. But then I've never been the 'little woman' type clinging to her man's every though/word/deed.

Because I have it as a secret.

is it ok to talk once a week on the phone to an ex and not tell yuor DH?

well, IMO, if there is nothing to hide, why not tell your H. or not hide it from him IFYSWIM

the fact you can't / won't tell your DH is quite telling

i am not in touch with any exes, neither is DH, i would get a bit concerned if i found out he has secretly been talking to an ex. but that's me

i don;t feel the need to stay friends with exes, i have plenty of friends, i don't want / need the complication of being in touch, in secret , with an ex

why is it a secret? that's the nub of the issue

Its a secret because I dont know how he would view it. It could hurt him or he could be indifferent to it. If he was hurt then I would be sorry for causing that. If it was me I would be very hurt but that being said DH and I have quite a different take on things. But I see what you mean.

surely you know your DH well enough to know whether he would be hurt by this ?

why not bring it out in the open?

the secrecy is bound to hurt more if he finds out, the longer it goes on

strad...a simple rule of thumb in relationships is to treat others as you would like to be treated yourself...

patronising comment ? yes, indeedy

cliche ? yup

but very true, and very pertinent to your "situation"

AnyFucker - agreed.

Oh for goodness sake stradivarious, you can't have it both ways - if you wouldn't like your husband doing it then you can't expect to do it yourself.
If there's nothing more to it than friendship, why is there even an issue with telling your husband?

Fortyplus, why so scoffy of people with closer relationships than your own? By closer, I do not mean better btw - one of the happiest couples we know live apart for months at a time as he works in Saudi , it definitely wouldn't work for me but they are both happy to live that way.
I was merely pointing out that there is your view, which obviously works for you and my view, which works for me - there are also a million other differing views. The thread's basic issue is honesty and keeping secrets, you must agree that secrecy is bad?

Why the "little woman" comment? I like being "wrapped up" with my husband, as he does with me, just what about that makes you worry?

I don't think its always possible to expect your partner completely fulfill your emotional needs. And I certainly don't share every one of my innermost secrets with my DH, they're none of his, or necessarily anybodys business. And if I chose to share something personal/intimate that is a secret with someone else - guess what - its not a betrayal either. I'm still an individual, i have not and do not want to become a joint blended unit with my husband to the point where I have nothing of myself and am only 'us'.

I know your agenda of 'absolute honesty' and it works in your black and white world but as usual, you fail to acknowledge that the real world exists in shades of grey.

Strad - if you were you DH why would you be hurt? Because you're keeping it from him?

My Dh has no idea of who i keep in touch with, who are a exes and who aren't, he's not bothered enough to ask (I.e. secure in our relationship) and its irrelevant anyway.

I don't tell my DH everything

he would be bored to tears by some of it

and some of it is mine to own

but none of it involves secret contact with an old flame....

But neither is it inevitable that if you have a close, intimate relationship with your partner, and that that is your primary and most intense relationship, then you become less of an individual or a 'little woman'.
I actually can'tthink of anything that I have ever told DH that I could not tell him. I have talked to others about some subjects because they would upset him, or because he may not 'get' what I am talking about, but not because I would rather share with someone else....

I am not some little extension of him, nor he of me. It is just the way we are.
So shades of grey all around really