What do you think of this?

[IlFamiglia]

Feel really awkward posting a message about this - but feel I need to have some advice from you sensible people...

Been married a long time, over 10 years and have 3 v small children...one 4 months (bless!)

Anyway, DH is a very good, loving, Dad to our DCs. I am a SAHM having given up a career to have DCs...he is happy about that. He doesn't get to see them much in the week, as leaves for work at 7.40 am and gets home about 6.50 pm...They go off to bed shortly after that.

He also is away quite a bit for work and has often travelled on Sundays in the last few months,...and has evenings out (throughout December he was out at least twice a week)entertaining clients...

He has now taken up cycling at weekends, usually a Saturday, and is gone about 2.5 hours...okay...

This is okay...but I am finding him v difficult to get along with and controlling. It seems if I agree with him, and do what he approves of all runs swimmingly, but when I query or 'nag'(!) he gets aggressive-raises his voice which makes my heart leap into my mouth (literally), and says quite nasty things about me ('prick', 'twat', 'miserable cow').

This man is in his mid 40's, in a professional job, who is nicey nicey to everyone outside and to the children...

He is planning to go to Scotland on a stag weekend this year -okay he does not need permission but he never even discussed, just agreed...and will need to use some annual leave for it.

He also booked the whole of his holidays for the year without consultation with me, and when I pointed out that it wasn't really fair to do so without asking my opinion he got v shirty and aggressive again...

I used to earn a really decent salary in my career, and handled my money - I did have an overdraft which I made use of! But he tries to convince me I am useless with money and controls all of it...he has his own money and I have a joint account with him, into which a small amount goes in every month, which I end up buying groceries with and fuel for the car. I don't like to ask him for money - its awkward...

I am totally frustrated, exasperated and don't know what to do....sticks and stones and all that...but he isn't kind to me. I am aggrieved that this has been going on all the while - I've just had a baby and need some reassurance from him, but it is lacking. He seems to have unrealistic expectations of what 'other women' are like, yet when I try to counter by saying that maybe their husbands are 'kind, thoughtful' 'around a bit more' he says I am being unrealistic!

Well my husband is mid 40's and professional, if he ever called me names like that he would be out of the door.

He sounds deeply unpleasant, as you say he is controlling.
My husband asks me before booking his holidays and he wouldn't even think of querying how much money I spend, it's our money and that's it.

He's made you into a compliant domestic servant imho, and he dosn't like it if you question him - This doesn't sound like a normal, well balanced marriage, at all.

You definitely are not being unrealistic in wanting a partnership with someone who respects you, unfortunately he sounds the complete opposite of what a decent husband should be.

Thanks Malifience... I am not perfect. I can be a grumpy so and so sometimes...

I can't help but think you wouldn't speak to someone this way if you loved them.. thats sounds a bit childish maybe - but there is a line which has been crossed I feel.

The joke is apart from 1 good friend who I had to open up to because she caught me crying in the car, my friends would be amazed by this...sorry I am lightly sobbing whilst typing this...!

I rub along nicely without the stress and hassle. When I got pregnant this time I was distraught because he is worse without sleep! And I said I couldn't go through it again because he was not kind or caring about me post birth...and he even said it would be different this time because we'd have abigger gap between DC2 and DC3 . He didn't deny that he is v difficult you see, sorry rambling...

He sounds like a complete and utter disgrace.

How horrible. It is utterly wrong to be called a prick and twat like that, and it is horrible that you are so scared of him. My god when you say your heart jumps in your mouth when he speaks to you. Poor you.

He evidently has absolutely no respect for you any more - was he walways like this or has this come on since you gave up work/had your children. You seem to have absolutely no control or influence on how your life runs.

The money - you do not have any other than 'pin' money which you buy grioceries with
Children - obviosuly he is working hard and doesn;t see them, does he spend time with them at the weekend at all? From your post it seems not.
Holidays - it is completely unreasonable for him to use all his leave for personal reasons. Booking time off should be a joint decision. I don't know anyone who would book their leave for the year without discussing it and coordinating it with their partner.

He sounds utterly controlling and you seem very ground down. My first instinct is to tell you tp try and get your foot through the door re work - is there any way you would consider going back to work? Then you have independent means and some control over your life. My second thing is please speak to someone in RL about the way he is speaking to you because it IS abusive and you should not have to put up with him. And what an environemnt for your children to grow up in - where their mother is scared of thier father.

I would try and get as much support, because I don't think you should put up with crap like this, and men as fundamentally disrespectful as this are unlikely to change. I would strongly consider leaving.

GetOrfMoiLand Thanks too...I suppose I have been ground down ...

Yes, he seems to be controlling everything. He did try when I had my own money - e.g. would constantly question my spending (oh what a warning sign!), and would always say each christmas - 'i'm not spending much on you this year' (well, I didn't care much but its the attitude; to actually say it!!!)

He does make an effort with the DCs but he does in reality see little of them, because they are small and have a nap in the middle of the day.

Plus when he goes away on trips for a few days he always brings them a present - last time quite nice things and I got a box of chocs (I wouldn't have minded but he'd questioned my weight post birth and when I would lose my stomach!!_ I am 5' 4 and under 9 stone, so only 1/2 stone max off my normal weight, admittedly with a jelly belly but that takes work!!!)...

I think sadly the writing is on the wall...life is too short and I pathetically feel sorry for myself alot!!! I don't want to be sad - I have 3 beautiful and kind DCs and I don't want that influence on them...For instance even when he is not being difficult he doesn't always bother to answer me, as if I am some annoying noise - and when I prompt him will say - 'well that doesn't warrant an answer!' and my DC (aged 2.5) said 'Daddy, you didn't answer Mummy!!'

Re the work, yes I feel I probably will need to get back into work, because I feel totally and utterly beholden and therefore trapped!

I feel I am living a lie...and he very much likes to keep up appearances. I did consider Relate but I don't think they work miracles and if fundamentally one person does not have warmth or love for the other its probably a waste of time (that's how I truly feel).

Christ.

This is such a shame and I really do think the writing does appear to be on the wall. he is patently disrespectful.

I don't know if Relate would help in this case. I imagine he is the kind of bloke who thinks he is perfect and would be genuinely baffled at the thought that he is doing something wrong. I imagine he blames you for everything.

I was in a relationship with someone like this for 7 years (physically abusive in the end) and it really does grind you down to the level where you don't even know which way is up. i ended up thinking I was ugly, stupid, worthless and the reason why XDP was such a nasty bugger was that I was so useless.

I did leave hi, in the end but is was a gradual process of saving money, getting a better paid job (he SO hated that, he liked it better when I was earning peanuts and was beholden to him), sneakily looking for a flat. I then organised everything over a period of about 9 months, then presented him with a fait accompli, said 'I am moving out'. I left that day with just a small bag of clothes and some of my daughter's things - he didn;t let us take anything else - and I moved into my mum's for 4 weeks whilst i sorted things out. He got vwery nasty as I was displaying a degree of assertiveness which he did not recognise as me.

I now have a lovely DP and we have a truly equal partnership. There is more to life than being scared, truly.

But it isn't acceptable and there isn't ever a case to be so downright aggressive and rude/abusive is it? He tells me that if I wasn't such a nag then he wouldn't be ...thus laying the blame on me. In my angst to try and keep things on an even keel I suppose I try not to allow things to dissolve and then comes the straw to break the camels back and I protest and find myself in a big heap of mess...I don't think of my own making...

I'm totally fascinated and envious by how other couples manage to maintain the status quo because in my warped head I suppose this pattern seemed the norm to me. But my rational side reminds me that it absolutely is NOT.

Does he know how you feel? Many men (and he sounds like one of them) need to have things spelled out for them in clear terms - no shades of grey. I have had issues with my DH and put off talking to him about them until I was contemplating divorce with him thinking everything was fine! Try to talk to him - state what you are unhappy about and what you would like to change. If he can't / won't listen and demonstrate that he loves and cares for you then consider separation.

Oh Getorf I am sorry that you have endured this and physical abuse too. I haven't per se but in one big argument at Xmas I am ashamed to say that he dragged me by the hair!

It really hurts putting these things in black and white. I suppose its quite shocking and I am exhausted. You were very brave, yes I think that is the right word, in standing up and for getting your life back.

I have actually tried to explain to him about how he is, by mentioning the words passive aggressive and abusive, particularly as after having DC3 (whilst I was most vulnerable), he called me ugly and fat...and for a while after an argument he would say , 'I haven't been abusive' i.e. I haven't said you are ugly or fat!!!

He knows these things are my achilles heel - I have always tried to look after myself and look presentable and probably had a bit of a food problem in our early days and so lost weight, down to 7 stone 4...so he really is being a bastard by saying 'fat' things...

In fact, when he keeps on at me, I am sure he is trying to tip me over the edge but he won't! No fear....God, what am I doing?

p.s. You are NOT overweight!!

Sparkletastic - thanks...I kind of covered your question above but to add: when I try sometimes, and he is being particularly difficult I end up breaking down in tears and he kind of sneers...He seems to be discompassionate where I am concerned.

Dragged by your hair? Be careful. That kind of 'mild' (ho ho) physical 'chastisement' can lead on to other things such as being slapped and kicked.

You sound completely under teh cosh with him. Each of your posts get progressively worse.

This is no enviornment for your kids - truly. And wrt my situation, I was not brave at all, rather terrified on behalf of mu daughter. The straw which broke the camels back was when he went on a drunken raging rampage. Shoutred and screamed at me, then chased me across the top landing to land a punch. For some stupid reason I hurtled into dd's bedroom, she had never witnessed the violence (although she was affacted by the aftermath atmosphere) and she was utterly terrified and I remember her yelling 'mummy mummy get us out of here'. She was only 9 at the time. The memory of that night crucifies me. It was then when I made my plans to get the hell out of it.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Mum, sister, dad, close friend? Because you need some RL support quick before this escalates.

I agree, I feel quite worried for you, thinking about how this could get even worse. I'm also worrying that you seem to think he is right in attacking you about your weight. I am the same height as you and weigh 9st, nobody calls me fat, because I'm not. Neither are you. The only time I went down to 7st 4 I had been seriously ill! Think about this, it is a symptom of how badly he is affecting your perception of yourself.

Oh goodness me IlFamiglia - please ignore my suggestion to talk to him . He is completely beyond the pale - clearly mentally and physically abusive. Since he is so controlling about money I am sure that others will have good advice on gathering as much financial info etc on him whilst you are planning how to effect your separation. With 3 children you should of course remain in the family home if at all possible and he should move out. Agree with GetOrfMoiLand that you need some solid RL support to get you through this.

I would go if I were you.
Imagine staying! You will feel like shit for the rest of your life, and your DCs will grow up thinking that this is how men should treat women.
Any DP must be basically kind, and yours isn't...
Hope you're ok x

I would also agree that when the respect goes, things just get worse and worse. GetOrf has given you some very good advice re: leaving. I would now try to emotionally detach yourself from this man, and secretly look into getting yourself settled elsewhere.

It's shit that you have no money at all. It's shit that you have no proper adult company and decent conversation. It's doubly shit that he's abusive and makes you feel worthless. A man like that doesn't deserve a lovely family when all he really wants is staff by the sound of things.

You are going to make someone so happy one day, don't waste any more time on this unkind loser who doesn't appreciate you. Let him kick himself after you've gone.

All this with a 4 month old baby and 2 other little ones.

Poor you. Please speak to someone in RL. There is only so nuch some supportive words on MN can do tbh. You need some real, practical support.

Your husband is extremely abusive. You need to get rid of him.
Sorry to put it so starkly but it is the absolute truth. Read the Women's Aid website and give them a ring, they will help you and give you advice on getting rid of this horrible man. Because he is a horrible man, who thinks that you and the DC are less than human, that you are objects he can control and mistreat.
Please bear this in mind, because he will kick up when you tell him that the marriage is over because of his behaviour:
He cannot throw you penniless into the street.
He cannot take custody of the DC and stop you from seeing them.
If he says you are mentally ill and need to be locked up (because you are so disobedient and ungrateful and don't understand how important he and his penis are) he will not be believed. People know about abusers and he's a classic type. You can get out of this awful situation and build a better life for yourself and the DC.

Also, I don't want to upset you but when I read the op, and all about him "entertaining clients' of an evening, and now on sundays too, I thought you were about to launch into suspicions of him having an affair. I wouldn't put it past him really, from what you've said about him (sorry if that's unfair, you know him and his habits more than me!)

Oh IlFamiglia of course your being occasionally irritable or asking for money for things does not warrant this behaviour!

He sounds awful, just horrible: cruel, mean, abusive, dismissive of you and only interested in his own needs. As someone said above he has made you into a domestic slave, and not surprisingly now he has succeeded & you are one he has not an ounce of respect for you. What has he done to you?

You say at the moment your DC tell him off for not responding, well that won't last. Soon they will be accepting this as the norm and it will shape their future relationships. Would you want your DD to end up in your situation, or your DS to be having like your husband?

"I haven't [experienced physical abuse] per se but in one big argument at Xmas I am ashamed to say that he dragged me by the hair!" This is totally shocking and now he has crossed the line into physical violence why should he stop? I would expect this to get worse from now on. You are NOT the one who should be ashamed. He has committed a crime by assaulting you, and if he does anything like this again please call the police.

Your husband is a bully and you do not have to put up with it. Give Womens Aid a call on 0808 2000 247 and tell them what you have written down here. That he stops you having access to money, that he has dragged you by your hair, that he calls you names. It is as bad as it sounds, and I really think you should get out now before things get worse.

Good luck x

Have a look at this too OP Recognising Abuse list from Refuge

Are you afraid of your partner?
Do you feel isolated? Does he cut you off from family and friends?
Is he jealous and possessive?
Does he humiliate or insult you?
Does he verbally abuse you?
Does he say you are useless and couldn?t cope without him?
Has he threatened to hurt you or people close to you?
Does he constantly criticise you?
Does he have sudden changes of mood which dominate the household?
Is he charming one minute, abusive the next? Like Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde?
Does he control your money?
Do you feel dominated and controlled?
Do you change your behaviour to avoid triggering an attack?
Are you unsure of your own judgement?
Does he damage your possessions?
Does he smash up the furniture?
Does he threaten to kill the pets?
Does he threaten to kidnap or get custody of the children?
Does he drive fast because he knows it scares you?
Does he lock you out of the house during an argument?
Does he tell you what to wear or how to do your hair?

How many of these are you experiencing at the moment? At least 8 just going on what you've said so far.

Have just re-read and saw that you were sad when you became pregnant because of the effect the baby would have on his mood.("When I got pregnant this time I was distraught because he is worse without sleep!") That's the last thing any pregnant woman should be worrying about. This is so sad, it's taking walking on eggshells to a new level.

Thank you for all your posts ... its heartbreaking all this...!

SolidGold he has actually accused me of being mad/mentally ill and goaded me into seeing a Doctor...and said 'just remember I am your next of kin and I could have you sectioned'

I am remembering all sorts now which have remained deep in my subconscious self I suppose...

I don't want my DS or DDS to be brought up in a home where there besically is no love for the Mother. Someone once said the best thing you can do for your kids is to love their Mother, and that is so nice and true to a certain extent, because that is the foundation of a mutually respectful relationship...and yes Elephants I am fearful that he would hurt me and when he gets really lairy and lunges I scream, 'don't hit me or I'll call the Police'...this is pitiful I am sorry!

I really think he is deluded about what a good guy/husband/father he is...okay he's loving with the DCs but I feel (weirdly) that his over sycophantic loving of the kids is almost a dig at me too (or maybe I'm so screwed up)...I don't know....

James - I have wondered about whether he has a lady friend...because he is so cock sure of himself and resolutely unfazed by the hurt and upset emotions I exhibit. Indeed, he has said he is looking - anything would be better than me. In a sad way, if he was all this would make sense. The other thing was, that when he goes away, he never gives hotel details/tel nos. Well, I rather think that when you have 3 small DCs you might feel more comfortable knowing that you can get hold of your DH if God forbid there was an emergency. We had an argument about it after I asked where he was staying ...(no suprise)...and he said that he never knew where he was staying because someone booked it and that if there was an emergency what use would he be if he was in a foreign country...'you would have to get on and deal with it, do you think you can manage that?'

Its exasperating.

YOu are being treated badly and don't deserve this. Its so easy for people shout 'Get rid of him' i know its more complicated than that.

But you either have to agree that you still love each other, and want to work to repair the relationship. And if not (Which from what you've said sounds more likely) you need to start thinking about an exit strategy because you shouldn't have to be treated this way.

It's awful IF, every bit of detail you give just makes a worse and worse picture. Why are you still with him? What made you decide to carry on living with him/having babies etc when he is like this? Not having a go at you at all, just wondering what is keeping you with him. How do you feel when he is away on business etc? Better or worse?

"he has said he is looking - anything would be better than me" - he is an a-grade arsehole.

Very about not letting you know where he is! My DH has to travel a fair bit abroad too - all booked via work - but always has full details of where he is staying, alternative telephone numbers to his mobile etc in case I needed to get hold of him in an emergency. Of course you would deal with everything but one would think he would equally be on the first plane home!

Can you stay with your parents if needs be?