What do you think of this?

[IlFamiglia]

Feel really awkward posting a message about this - but feel I need to have some advice from you sensible people...

Been married a long time, over 10 years and have 3 v small children...one 4 months (bless!)

Anyway, DH is a very good, loving, Dad to our DCs. I am a SAHM having given up a career to have DCs...he is happy about that. He doesn't get to see them much in the week, as leaves for work at 7.40 am and gets home about 6.50 pm...They go off to bed shortly after that.

He also is away quite a bit for work and has often travelled on Sundays in the last few months,...and has evenings out (throughout December he was out at least twice a week)entertaining clients...

He has now taken up cycling at weekends, usually a Saturday, and is gone about 2.5 hours...okay...

This is okay...but I am finding him v difficult to get along with and controlling. It seems if I agree with him, and do what he approves of all runs swimmingly, but when I query or 'nag'(!) he gets aggressive-raises his voice which makes my heart leap into my mouth (literally), and says quite nasty things about me ('prick', 'twat', 'miserable cow').

This man is in his mid 40's, in a professional job, who is nicey nicey to everyone outside and to the children...

He is planning to go to Scotland on a stag weekend this year -okay he does not need permission but he never even discussed, just agreed...and will need to use some annual leave for it.

He also booked the whole of his holidays for the year without consultation with me, and when I pointed out that it wasn't really fair to do so without asking my opinion he got v shirty and aggressive again...

I used to earn a really decent salary in my career, and handled my money - I did have an overdraft which I made use of! But he tries to convince me I am useless with money and controls all of it...he has his own money and I have a joint account with him, into which a small amount goes in every month, which I end up buying groceries with and fuel for the car. I don't like to ask him for money - its awkward...

I am totally frustrated, exasperated and don't know what to do....sticks and stones and all that...but he isn't kind to me. I am aggrieved that this has been going on all the while - I've just had a baby and need some reassurance from him, but it is lacking. He seems to have unrealistic expectations of what 'other women' are like, yet when I try to counter by saying that maybe their husbands are 'kind, thoughtful' 'around a bit more' he says I am being unrealistic!

DOn't bother with counselling, counselling is useless when one partner is abusive and your H is a classic abuser. He;s an inadequate little shitbag who makes himself feel better by reducing you and the DC to less-than-human status, he sees you as appendages of himself, not people. DOn't bother discussing his horrible behaviour with him, not only will he not accept that he's wrong (He;s the Man, you are his 'family' ie belong to him and the only person in the household is him) but if he thinks you are moving away from his control he will up his game which will almost certainly mean an escalation to physical violence. Not constant violence, but there will be one more step over the boundaries (he dragged you by your hair last time, this time he will probably kick or punch you) and he will tell you that it's your fault - the idea being that he can then use the fact that he's done it once and the threat that he will do it again, to make you obedient.
Re the 'sectioning' - no he ca't have you sectioned. He;s not your owner. Even if he called the police and the local mental health services to tell them you are mad and must be locked up, they wouldn't just take his word for it - you would be assessed by a mental health professional without your H presnet, especially if there is any record of domestic violence. I would advise contacting women's aid now and getting information on how to put the abuse on record, because the sooner you do that the better if it escalates.

I totally agree with SGB, I really think this relationship has gone beyond the point where counselling could possibly help. These don't sound like the actions of a man who is temporarily depressed, unhappy etc - it doesn't even sound like he's making blind mistakes. He's nasty, abusive, controlling and dismissive, and you said he's even told you he's looking for another woman. What more evidence do you need that he doesn't deserve to be around you and your lovely children?

And the children will be affected by his (and your) behaviour. Your son will grow up to think that women are secondary to men, your daughters will learn that they shouldn't try to stick up for themselves, that it's normal for men to call them names and talk down to them.

If he would agree to counselling (and I doubt he would because it sounds like he thinks he's god's gift) he'd come over all charming and reasonable in front of the counsellor, and try to make out it's all you.

I absolutely think you need to STOP talking to him about any of this, partly because it won't help or change anything, partly because as some people have pointed out, your new "disobedience" and criticism of him might make things escalate, and partly because if he gets wind of you thinking about leaving, he may try to access/withdraw the house money if he's able to.

You really really really need to confide in your family and friends now, you need real life support. You need to get them on your side - don't feel ashamed, you've done nothing but give him ten years of your life and three beautiful children. You must allow yourself the support and kindness that is out there, you deserve it no matter what that shitbag says.

please look at this ILF,

here

Buy the book at Amazon. You will not regret it.

Well done for recognising what is going on - your instincts are right...trust them.

And yes, the others are right - couples counselling will screw up your head even more. Go to Relate on your own, you really need help with this awful situation.

As I have already said, please don't continue discussing this with him - no good will come of it.

Call women's aid for advice and find out about your local branch they will be able to advice you on things like local counsellors, solicitors, etc that can help you.

The house money you have in your name - can your husband currently access and withdraw or move this money? If he can I would consider going in to your branch and speaking to someone in confidence asking them to change the security on the account so that only you can draw the money out, or maybe put in a savings account that needs a certain notice period for withdrawals or something? If he gets wind of a change in your attitude, or feels he is losing control over you he will almost certainly take this money, or hurt you, or both.

How old are your dcs?

I would recommend the Lundy book too that other posters have recommended, it gives a very complete picture of all kinds of abuse within relationships from all angles. However only buy books like this if you have somewhere he cannot find them. I didn't so I didn't buy anything like that until I had left. They are enormously helpful IMO.

How are you doing IF? Thinking of you