What do you think of this?

[IlFamiglia]

Feel really awkward posting a message about this - but feel I need to have some advice from you sensible people...

Been married a long time, over 10 years and have 3 v small children...one 4 months (bless!)

Anyway, DH is a very good, loving, Dad to our DCs. I am a SAHM having given up a career to have DCs...he is happy about that. He doesn't get to see them much in the week, as leaves for work at 7.40 am and gets home about 6.50 pm...They go off to bed shortly after that.

He also is away quite a bit for work and has often travelled on Sundays in the last few months,...and has evenings out (throughout December he was out at least twice a week)entertaining clients...

He has now taken up cycling at weekends, usually a Saturday, and is gone about 2.5 hours...okay...

This is okay...but I am finding him v difficult to get along with and controlling. It seems if I agree with him, and do what he approves of all runs swimmingly, but when I query or 'nag'(!) he gets aggressive-raises his voice which makes my heart leap into my mouth (literally), and says quite nasty things about me ('prick', 'twat', 'miserable cow').

This man is in his mid 40's, in a professional job, who is nicey nicey to everyone outside and to the children...

He is planning to go to Scotland on a stag weekend this year -okay he does not need permission but he never even discussed, just agreed...and will need to use some annual leave for it.

He also booked the whole of his holidays for the year without consultation with me, and when I pointed out that it wasn't really fair to do so without asking my opinion he got v shirty and aggressive again...

I used to earn a really decent salary in my career, and handled my money - I did have an overdraft which I made use of! But he tries to convince me I am useless with money and controls all of it...he has his own money and I have a joint account with him, into which a small amount goes in every month, which I end up buying groceries with and fuel for the car. I don't like to ask him for money - its awkward...

I am totally frustrated, exasperated and don't know what to do....sticks and stones and all that...but he isn't kind to me. I am aggrieved that this has been going on all the while - I've just had a baby and need some reassurance from him, but it is lacking. He seems to have unrealistic expectations of what 'other women' are like, yet when I try to counter by saying that maybe their husbands are 'kind, thoughtful' 'around a bit more' he says I am being unrealistic!

Elephants I did have a look at the list and yes, you are correct...there are many 'traits' which he exhibits and which I exhibit (i.e. changing behaviour to avoid a row) etc...

I just had a memory of when I was heavily pg at end of July (my DSs 3rd bday) and bought rather than made a birthday cake. Well, according to DH I was all of the 'laziest f**kers' in the world, and apparently its 'common' to buy rather than home make...I was very upset because he did nowt for the birthday. In fact he came back later that day from being away, and refused to eat the cake...

This isn't normal is it ? Even I know most men wouldn't give a sh*t what sort of cake their wives gave their kids as long as they were happy...My mates husband, at her daughters party, upon us remarking how wonderful the cake was, said 'its Waitrose, Alli doesn't do baking'...and when I said this to DH he said, well she's probably really busy !

A lot of this sounds quite familiar to me, and I have recently had a bit of flack for burying my head in the sand and not leaving him. But your DH sounds 10 x worse.
In my case it has been quite recent and we have put it down to stress, so I am willing to give him a bit of time( we are going to counselling) has yours always been like this?

Elephants - having children has made it far worse (our relationship). I mentioned my thoughts on 3rd pg..Kiwi...yes it is complicated and rather messy, but I cannot see my life flutter by in front of my eyes this way.

At the moment, especially reading your posts and mine I feel right, I need to get out. I'm just hoping the uncertainty about whether this is right won't back in. I would dearly love a decent man to discuss with him what his life and expectations are like, in respect of marriage. But my DH met with an unmarried mate of his last week who has 1 child, doesn't see them all week; goes out several times a week, and golfs most Sundays, so he benchmarks himself against that and concludes that he is fantastic !!!!

But I am having more moments where the anguish overides any residual loyalty and I think about my babies and their livelihoods. Okay DH is successful and to the outsider we maybe seem to have a charmed life, but it is far from that behind closed doors...plus, any man who can behave like this with a 17 week old is despicable I think...

Did you post about the cake thing back in the summer IF? Rings a faint bell.

It must be easy to forget what a good relationship is like. It is normal for a DH to love and appreciate his wife even while he understands her flaws. There is no space for personal abuse, violence, or just the pure disdain that your DH throws at you.

Why are you still with him? (honest question)

Christ. This does sound bloody awful.

Do you have any support in RL?

IlFamiglia

All that you have written are the words of a women caught up in an abusive and controlling relationship. Controlling behaviours like he displays are abusive behaviours.

This is not a normal or healthy relationship for your children to be witness to either. It will damage them in the long run (they certainly would not thank you for staying with him as such men can easily round on their children too) and you are yourself being emotionally harmed by him. He is also using financial abuse against you as well as being cruel emotionally.

A controlling relationship like the one you are currently enmeshed in is an abusive one.
Your H is an abusive man to treat you in such a manner.

He is patently not a good Dad or father to his children at all if he can treat his wife, their mother in such a cruel and calculated (he is a very manipulative individual and like many such controllers they are completely plausible to those in the outside world).

Do call Womens Aid. I would also suggest you get a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (he also has a website). www.amazon.co.uk has this book. You will find him within those pages.

Will he change - often they do not. The ball therefore is very much in your court. In your situation I would start planning an exit strategy and I do not write that at all lightly. Controlling men do not let go of their victims easily.

x-post.

It really doesn't matter what other people think of your husband, you are the only one who knows what it's like to be married to him.

The money thing alone would be enough. He is fooling himself if he thinks it is "his money". AFAIK as you are married you own everything equally, even if he is stopping your access to the money at the moment.

Does he keep his financial paperwork around the house? If so try to get copies of everything esp anything showing balance of accounts etc. He will try to hide this if you looks like you are thinking of divorce.

So sorry for you OP, I just wish we could get you out of there today!

Do you feel better when he is away?

skinsl as I say its got much worse...he's always been a bit of a pedant but its much, much worse.

He criticizes just about everything most of the time. Even when he states something he's eaten (that I've made) is nice...he then wants minutiae detail about what's gone into it; plus wants to know what the kids eat (usually the same as us); whether they've been out (well, duh, yes DC1 goes to pre-school 2 days and DC2 goes to playgroup 1 morning) and we go off to walks/Toddlers/friends - you know the usual!!!

FGS !!!!!! He is worse than my Father was when I was oooh 12? And of course, my Father wasn't nasty and abusive!!!

And actually, when he has ever made a positive comment it sounds so smarmy and hollow that its not worth it!

I have had a complete fear of being on my own with the kids - like maybe I couldn't cope...but I do it alot anyway as he is away, so that is irrational...I know that now.

Attila and GetOrf well...

I do feel better alot more now actually when he is away, because the jangly feelings subside...I'm not wondering 'will he be in a good or bad mood?'.

He was smarmy and nice at beginning of week, then all of a sudden Wednesday evening jumped down my throat and when I asked if there was something wrong was quite nasty. Then got progressively more offhanded and critical.

The money thing is a huge issue but he truly believes that I am crap with money, a liability, and never should have access to it. I am honestly treated like some kid with pocket money and he constantly checks with me to see what I've spent.

It's brilliant that you realise that you can cope with the kids on your own. I really think you should get out of there urgently, he could be violent again at any time and it could be a lot worse. Have you got somewhere you could go and stay?

Without question, the man is a prick, and so similar to my aunt's ex-husband. Based on her experience, I would say that leaving your husband will not be easy as he will attempt to continue to control you through concealment of assets, quibbling over maintenance etc, but from what you say, it must be done. You need to build yourself and your children a strong network of family and friends because you're going to need them. But of course when it's over, you're free, no longer beholden to anybody and can re-establish your own identity and sense of self-worth (9.5 stones and overweight - pah!!)

Out of interest, what line of work were you in before? I really strongly agree that getting back to work is the starting point for you.

Elephants thanks...you are really helpful and kind...as are you all....
Kitcat too...Well. I have got something fairly major in my favour - and he really is a bit silly but we sold our house a while ago and are renting whilst we have been looking for the right place. The money is in a bank account - and all effectively mine because its in my name - and whilst I wouldn't and couldn't even be bothered not to allow him his share, I do have the control there. Arguably questionable in a court of law! He's obviously confident I wouldn't diddle him - he is a very controlling man after all, but if the tables were turned I wouldn't be so sure- despite us having kids. I can imagine him being extremely vicious.

Kitcat - I was in HR but that was over 4 years ago. Had quite a senior role, but haven't done anything since then, and knowledge very out of date! Not sure which avenue to take on this one.

Is there any way you could contact your professional body (is it CIPD?) re retraining/brushing up on skills? Of course this is all for the future but it would be handy to keep your options open.

Also suiggest CAB to discuss finances.

TBH if push comes to shove if he kicks up you can call the police, have him removed and you can claim benefit for the rent whislt you sort things out.

Do you have RL friends you could talk to?

Please look at the freedom program website.

Particularly about Mr wrong and Mr right.

As many have already said this is abuse.

No-one wants you and your DC to be in this horrible situation, IF, that's all

That's great about the house, because you don't have to wait to sell before you get your own place.

Sounds to me like you could just find a place for you and your DC, put down a deposit and move into it. I would still talk to Womens Aid about your plans though, they will have a multitude of tips and things to think about and lots of good advice. V important because men like your H, who have to have all the control, often get worse when their partners look like breaking free.

If you want practical advice about leaving etc, I'd think about starting a new thread called something like "Need to get away from abusive H, what do I need to think about?".

oh i have read some stories on MN over the years - truly i have, but this is one of the worst cases of emotional manipulation i have ever read.

i would plan to get away carefully. see a solicitor, find out your rights regarding everything.

and if you think he is emotionally manipulative now, you just wait until you have a little bit of power - if you seperate r divorce, you will effectively have the power of the kids, and this will make him angry - so lady i am telling you - get thee to a solicitor sharpish, find out about all benefits and entitlements that you should have, start looking at rented places, get a feel for the market.

and for gods sake keep that money.

He obviously thought he was being clever with a tax dodge on the house sale.

See a solicitor and leave him, the sooner the better, why don't you open a new bank account and transfer half the money into it?
It is jointly your money after all.

With such a strong threat of violence, I would move out while he's away tbh. Leave him a solicitor's letter - his utter arrogance that you would never defy him will be his downfall hopefully.

I bet you're right about the tax Mal. Great idea about the money. Is he away atm, IF?

He has just called me ... and I feel back to square one ! It dissolved into a shouting match, and I'm afraid I was a bit of a fish wife!!!. He called me from the office and was very clipped, saying 'not now dear', somewhat dismissively! I blurted out that I was sick of him, and that it had to end as I wasn't putting up with being called horrible names, like 'prick' etc. He said that I obviously wasn't prepared to change and he'd had enough of me, I was just that and cut the call short! Aaarrgghhh

Chiming in to agree that you should leave him. This is very similar to my relationship to my exH. I can tell you from experience that he's not going to suddenly turn around and become a reformed character.

I would disagree with the advice to focus on getting back to work first - I would prioritize getting out. Otherwise you're facing a delay and maybe some logistical complications (you don't want to have just started a new job and then have to take time off to sort out a move/go to a solicitor's appointment and so on).

Definitely talk to Women's Aid. You might consider a refuge. You don't have to be beaten to a pulp to go into one. They understand that violence is not only physical. I stayed in one for just three weeks before moving into a private rented place (I was working). It helped a lot with the transition because (a) it physically kept us out of X's way and (b) it gave me moral support when I was wobbling.

Pragmatically, it would be good to separate before you're tied into buying a new house.

In some ways you've done the hardest thing, which is to open your eyes to a situation that you'd prefer didn't exist.

You can do this. Women's Aid is an excellent first step to help you to decide what to do next.

I hate all this - I hate the feelings - I hate having to do this, and I hate him for what he's done to our family...I am really sad about this stupid and farcical state of affairs...Custardo -Reading your post I was thinking maybe I overegged the pudding somewhat, but I haven't - it's as it says...

I feel terribly anxious about the future, but I feel I have started a chain of events that have no way of stopping, does that make sense.
And Malifience - pathetically - I obviously do still have some loyalty because the feeling that something would be his downfall is also heartbreaking! I'm sorry...

Of course you're upset - you are conditioned never to question him and to feel that you are always in the wrong / unreasonable / unstable etc.

It's been a slow process but now you've realised just what he is, hopefully you can start to take control.

Don't apologise IF, what you're feeling sounds normal to me. You've been with this man for a long time and the habit of caring is very hard to break, and not based on logic.

It's good that you can feel the momentum that you have to change things. Your DS and DDs will be so much happier in the long run, with a mother who is calm, free to spend her money on them, confident and not living in fear.

Maybe for now this is a good list of things to think about:

1. talk to CAB some good preliminary info here

2. look into renting prices etc. Would you want to stay in the same area or move?

3. print this thread out and keep it somewhere very safe, as a reminder of why you need to escape

4. try to act as normal as possible around your H (people may disagree), the less warning he has, the less chance he has to attack you first (legally or physically). He will want you back under his control, and as you know he has a lot of ways to do that.

5. look for and copy financial stuff.

Of course you have feelings of powerlessness, fear and, as you said, residual loyalty. You married a man in good faith, loved him and your kids - and he used your faith & love to create a prison for you, undermining your confidence and your expectations. This doesn't mean your love is no good, or you're no good; it means he's a malicious wanker.

Please gather some friendly help ... and stop keeping secrets. Any "shame" you feel is HIS shame, not yours. How about talking to your non-baking friends, telling them what you have posted here?

You don't deserve this. And he doesn't deserve you. Take one small step towards the life where it doesn't matter who made the bloody cake, fgs! You can do it

what a lovely post grace. Can't help snurking at: "This doesn't mean your love is no good, or you're no good; it means he's a malicious wanker" Very true.