I begged him to stay:(

[sweetexpectation]

I am hoping to get some insight in to this mess i am in.

A couple of days ago, 3 days ago to be specific, my H told me he doesnt know how he feels about our relationship any more.When i asked him why, he told me he feels that it wont last so he said life is too short so shoudnt be wasted.

He has said the following comments that are like blade through the heart:-

-I woudnt be married if i knew it would be like this(especially after we had our child)

-I dont want to work anymore as i dont see the point, all i earn goes to living expenses, and nothing to save

-I miss my family( he talks passinately
about his family but he doesnt seem to care about me and DC)

-I dont want to sleep with you incase you get pregnant and decide to keep the baby

He shows me no affection and its just been a couple of months since i give birth, and this is even making me more insecure.

But what hurt more was that when i told him i am devastated about my dying father who is suffering from cancer, he showed no support at all told me that he has lived his life to the fullest so shoudnt be worried about that.My dad is only 55 yeard old

He treatend to leave but i begged him to stay. I wasnt like this but being with him had made me so weak, i dont undersatnd myself any more.

Pls help me make sense.

Hi - sorry can't offer any real help or advice but didn't want your post to go unnoticed.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate - it is hard enough having a new born without the added stress of your dad . It must be really difficult for you.

Would it be worth having counselling - ideally as a couple or if not just for you. It is fantastic having someone you can unburden too without fear of upsetting them or saying the wrong thing.

I hope it all works out for you.

PS your dh sounds like he is being a bit of a prick uncaring at the moment

Would anyone be kind enough to give me some advice, i am feeling so depressed.

Sundew thanks.
I am going tmr to see my GP, hoping she would refer me to counsellor or else i might go mental seeing how things are at the moment.

Oh honey, I am no relationship expert as me and my hubby are having issues right now but my heart goes out to you and I wanted to send you a big hug x

He's not being a very nice husband at all, especially when you have a new baby.

I have 2 kids and admit I am barely civil to my hubby for the first 6 months each time.

It's really hard with a little one. Can you guys get some marriage counseling with Relate and see how that goes before deciding for good what to do. Would he be open to that?

Trying to decide your future at a time like this is not ideal. Too many external pressures especially with your poor Dad as well. I'm so sorry, you must be feeling rotten. Believe in yourself, you're an amazing woman and even through everything, still want to work at it.

I really hope you guys find a way through this and he realises how lucky he is to have you and this gorgeous baby x

But, what do YOU want?

Do you want another child? Do you want your DH to sleep with you? How do you feel about the family?

Don't forget the story about the proodical son. Sometimes, those we hold closest, we don't think of.

You don't have to put up with stuff you don't want to, so this really comes down to what you want/

Try to go to Relate. It is only post traumatic stress, you have a small baby and your h has realised he has lost his position at the front of the queu. But it is normal, it happens, you have your hands full with new baby.

What can be done? many things but it depends on how you organise yourself.

We followed [whispers] Gina Ford's book, it is not for every one but it worked for us because DS is a child that feels more secure when he is in routines. So, after h came from work and we had dinner, we used to play with DS for about an hour then h will give him a bath/put him to bed while I sorted things around the house. Once he was in bed we had at least 3 hrs to ourselves before the next feed. It made the things easier for us all, we could continue to do things together and even invite people around.

Thank you TACP and harimos mummy.
I feel as if iam trapped and the choices i have are so limited. As for the marriage councelling it wont work as he wont go, he doesnt want to be told by any one on how to live his life, or thats what he says on this matters.

Harimosmummy what i want is to be happy family, him to be satisfied with what he has.

He is so dissapointed how his life turned out, and he is on his mid 20s , i dont know what he expected to achive by now.

The thing is he is self centerd and wants the world to revolve around him.

Mongolia i have been following a routine, my H gets home around 6 pm and baby goes to sleep at 7 pm, he wakes up twice thorugh the night. Its not about not having enough time , all he wants to do is watch tv, and wont interact with me, like now i made so mant attempts to make a conversation but i kept on getting short answers, and he is acting as if he would rather not hear my voice.

sweetexpectations - if your dh won't go to marriage counselling your options are really limited. I would suggest you go to counselling to find out what you want - it really does help.

I went to counselling a year ago - I blamed my dh and his depression for a whole lot of things and came away realising that I had the power to change most of them and I was the cause of some of the others. Life has been easier since then.

You need to conserve your energy for your dc and yourself.

OK the best thing you can do now (or at least tomorrow) is find out exactly where you stand WRT house and finances. Write it all down then the next time he starts threatening to leave, tell him how much maintenance he will be paying you, how often he will get to see the baby, what will happen about the house etc and if that's what he fancies, to go and pack his bags. What you don't want is to go on indefinitely worrying about whether or not he will leave while you scurry around cooking, cleaning , picking up after him, doing all the childcare and offering sex whether you want it or not. Because a lot of selfish men really work the idea that all they have to do is threaten to leave or sleeep with someone else to get total submissive service from their DWs in perpetuity.

Perhaps he doesn't know what he wants or who he is?

My hubby is 26, 5 years younger than me (cradle snatcher) And has struggled so much with us now having 2 kids, definitely hasn't coped with me being so busy with the kids and having limited time for him. He's now actually getting counseling himself to talk through issues. As he has been fairly similar to your man.

Would he be prepared to talk to someone about where he is at right now?

Ok, let him to calm down, he may have splurted all this rubish in the spur of the moment.

Then, try to find an opportunity to sit down and have a serious talk, tell him that you understand where he is comming from but that you are not in California (ok, use a more diplomatic tone).

Things have to change once that you become parents, it is a huge "growing up step" at any age, the thing is to work together to get the best of it and understand that the first few years are incredibly difficult but it gets easier, and after that it just gets better and better.

How much is he interacting with the baby?

"Write it all down then the next time he starts threatening to leave, tell him how much maintenance he will be paying you" Brass... if you tell and overwhelmed man how much maintenance he will be paying, he will ask where he signs for

My thoughts are every where scatterd, i am to sad at the moments because of my dad, and sad feeling i am not being a happy mum, feel like a failure for not having a good marriage.

You are NOT a failure! He's his own man and makes his own choices.

Oh honey, its so hard when your dad is ill. You have so much on your plate right now. But your NOT NOT NOT a failure!

selfish bastard, that's all i have to say.
Even if his life has been turned upside down by new baby and he doesn't like it, it's only been a couple of months!
does he help with the baby?
baby issues aside, he should be able to support you when you are sad about your father.
Sorry you have to go through this.
He is being an arse. How old is he?

I believe that he is acting like a child, but it may be the shock of parenthood. Specially if he is not used to have a certain degree of responsibility.

But I believe things will be sorted, although I wouldn't mention maintenance, it would be good to find a "nice" way to tell him to stop being such a immature brat and grow up.

Yet, if he doesn't grow up, and doesn't want to work, miss his family so much he can't see his immediate family before his eyes, is worried about pregnancy but doesn't want to use contraception methods, etc. Well... if he doesn't change, he looks like a person who is worth letting go off.

There are some men that give more work than help they provide, if this one is one of them, let him go.

Midlife crisis I would say....

www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/midlife.htm

Stephen Biddulph refers to it as "the long night of the penis". (honestly! is in his books!)

ok so you know he is willing to walk anyway - so you dont want him do that, and i think by pushing him away he will go.

When you say what you want it all revolves around him being happy doesnt it? What about what YOU want and deserve?

How about 'I want a man who loves and cares for me - who is so proud of our family, and someone who i cant wait to be home with me'?
You cant change the way he is feeling right now and in fact trying to force him to talk may not be the right way.

He hasnt left yet so hard as it is you need to 'show' him just how good life is with you and your family.

When he talks about wanting to give up you could say 'I know how hard it must be for him - and maybe talk about some of the things he wants to save for - try and get him to make plans that include you as a family,

I think men do tend to find it hard when there is new baby and sometimes they just feel as if they want to run away. Give him time but if he threatens it again you will have to let him go as begging him will only make you feel worse than you do now as you will doubt why he has stayed.

Good luck and stay strong.

Gosh i am sorry to read you post, I just wanted yo to know you are not alone and that i have been thru this too.

i'll be back later, you WILL survive, and meet someone who is a grown up.
x

Some men just fall apart when they have to be responsible, some people I suspect but more men. I would follow SGB's advice. Get your practical life sorted so see what you, own, owe and are entitled to.

TBH I would call his bluff, I wouldn't beg, I wouldn't make him stay...he will resent you for it and I imagine he will treat you much worse than he does now. Fully justified in his behaviour as you made him stay.

yep, it's the responsibility thing, like posie said, and can vary with age, but mainly has to do with the person's personality, under presssure. That goes for men and women.

Plus it happens with saggitarian men more ime.

It's a crisis, i also think you should call his bluff.

You deserve so much better than this. FGS you've just had a child and he is behaving like a bloody prat.

I honestly think, from what you have said, that you would be better off without him. Let him go, and if he decides that the grass isn't greener on the other side and wants to come back, make sure that it is on your terms (if that is what you want).

He really does sound like an arrogant twonk.

A new baby is a fulltime commitment (I have a 3 month old as well as 5 & 3 year olds) and if my DH was behaving the way yours is, I'd be having serious words.

Good morning.
Thanks to those who replied
Yesterday shortly after i posted, i asked him to switch off the tv so we can have a chat, he refused so i got up and swiched it off my self.

I asked him why he is acting as if he is in hell and he replied he is in one. Then i said to how i am hurting because of my dad and that the situation here is not helping me and that he should be supportive, he again replied atleast your father has lived his life to the fullest, and that his sickness should teach us to live life and make every minute count and that he wont be able to do that while he is in this kind of situation.

Over a month ago i treatened to leave as he was getting physical,and now he says to me, why do you care , you said you would leave, so you must have prepared yourself.
I only said that so he would change.

Then he went on about brad and angelina splitting up and how that is good( i dont know why he felt to meantion this) and says ppl shoudnt waste their time in relationship that wont work, they should find someone else that would make them happy.

Been crying all night, have massive headache.I dont know what i have done to deserve this.