I begged him to stay:(

[sweetexpectation]

I am hoping to get some insight in to this mess i am in.

A couple of days ago, 3 days ago to be specific, my H told me he doesnt know how he feels about our relationship any more.When i asked him why, he told me he feels that it wont last so he said life is too short so shoudnt be wasted.

He has said the following comments that are like blade through the heart:-

-I woudnt be married if i knew it would be like this(especially after we had our child)

-I dont want to work anymore as i dont see the point, all i earn goes to living expenses, and nothing to save

-I miss my family( he talks passinately
about his family but he doesnt seem to care about me and DC)

-I dont want to sleep with you incase you get pregnant and decide to keep the baby

He shows me no affection and its just been a couple of months since i give birth, and this is even making me more insecure.

But what hurt more was that when i told him i am devastated about my dying father who is suffering from cancer, he showed no support at all told me that he has lived his life to the fullest so shoudnt be worried about that.My dad is only 55 yeard old

He treatend to leave but i begged him to stay. I wasnt like this but being with him had made me so weak, i dont undersatnd myself any more.

Pls help me make sense.

I think you are flogging a dead horse. If you carry on like this you will end up with no self respect and he will think he is a little god, being able to treat you like this and get away with it.

He doesn't sound much of a catch TBH - a selfish, workshy, lazy little git who is prepared to be aggressive with his 1 month old baby in the house. And what is this marvellous life he is craving? To watch tv and go on the dole.

Call his bluff and let him leave sweetheart, you are worth more than this.

Thanks TPL.
My baby is 5 months old. I dont think he cares about anyone in this world apart from himself.
No one will think its his fault as he is an angel infront of friends/family.I am the outspoken kind of person so ppl will assume its my fault.

Erm.... reluctant to mention this, but is there any possibility that he might have found someone else already?

If he was "getting physical" you must leave asap (or wait for him to be out at work, dump his stuff in bin bags, change the locks and see a solicitor).

I already thought this was beyond help when all you were describing was a selfish twunt, but now you're describing an abusive selfish twunt. Get him out of your life now - you deserve so much better (and you're still very young so lots of time to meet someone much better). Decent, nice human beings of either sex do not behave like this.

you dont deserve this - so why would you stay and put up with it???
You have not done anything wrong either.

I too thought there could be someone else - and also thought the op could be the same person as in another thread where the consenses is there is another woman.

Some of the things he is saying he may not be doing it to just hurt you.
Life is too short to be in a unfulfilling relationship. do you think he wants you to walk out on him so he can be the victim.

But whatever the reason - if you allow him to carry on like this without carrying out your threat then i think he will. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Look after yourself now though.

SE My ex was exactly the same. Didn't want me or the baby. Wanted to carry on living the batchelor life. I flogged that dead horse for 2 years and finally got him to buy me out of my share of the house. My DS and I left when DS was 2.5yo.

You've had some good advice here from lots of posters. I would echo SGB, get yourself armed with all the information you can on your finances etc.

I moved out when my husband was being similar and his family actually took my side when I told them the whole story not dramatically, just factually told them and honestly and as they love their grandchildren they were very disappointed at their son.

My husbands parents have been a great support to me and have tried to encourage their son to have counseling and basically get a grip and realise he has responsibilities.

My husbands has also had a reality check from me moving out as well and realised what he is loosing.

You may not be so lucky if you let him leave. However perhaps a separation will bring you a bit of peace at home and stability for the baby instead of this atmosphere and also this must be really affecting you and dragging you down. You will feel a lot better on your own after the initial pain of him leaving. Feel more balanced and calm and able to deal with the ups and downs of a baby, even a 5 month old is still hard work.

All the while he is there, it makes life so hard for you in so many ways emotionally and you all need all the emotional energy you can get right now.

Does this make sense?

you are going through one of the most difficult and emotionally challenges times of your whole life- a new baby and a very sick parent. if your husband wont/cant give you the support you need, you should try and find it from elsewhere immediately - a very close friend / sibling? i think you need to focus on getting through the next four months first, and then you can focus on your relationship properly. Could you agree with your husband that you will both make maximum effort towards each other until then, and at that stage, when things have settled down a bit and you are not feeling as exhausted, you can both really sit down and decide what to do. Im just not sure that, exhausted as you both are, counselling is the right thing at this stage. all the best.

OP, this is one of the most sad things i have read here.

His comment about your dad made me physically sick. I wouldnt be able to be in the same house with him let alone in the same bed if i was you.

I don't get all the 'he cant cope with the shock of new baby' etc. You have more than him to cope with.

Anyway i am not going to analyze him, it is about YOU now.

• Let him go. He doesn't offer you anything anyway.

• Dont waste any energy on him. You need all your energy for what you have in your plate.

• Sort out housing and finances

• Look after your self and your baby. Spent precious moments with your dad, take photographs and make videos of your dad and baby.

• Dont beg him for support, will never get it. Make sure you have support from family and friends (and mnet )you might start a thread about your dad too. Maybe organisations aswell (for illness and grief) i m sure other posters can give you info if you need?

Take care of yourself

its either take control or let things happen to you. - only you have the power over your own life.

Sweet - I feel very sorry for you. He is being a completely selfish twat.

I agree with others that you may be flogging a dead horse. It is a horrible situation to be in however you will spend the next however long, days, weeks, months being compliant and self-defeating to try and make him stay, and to be honest I think he will up and leave anyway.

My dd was 3 months old when her father started saying the following:

-I don't know myself any more.
-fatherhood is so hard, i feel so tired all the time.
-I really regret having dd because my life has changed so much
-I am only young and my life is over
-I am shackled to you both and I hate this life

Turned out he was shagging some bird. He kept rolling in at 5 in the morning refusing to say where he has been etc. I went and stayed with some friends for a weekend becasue I was at the end of my tether, he didn't call, and when I range him up on the Monday morning at 6am some woman answered. I went over to my house and a woman's clothes were all over the floor.

And that was that. He decided that he didn't want me in his life, or dd for that matter, so I moved out and got a job. He kept up a half arsed contact with dd for 5 years (on and off) but she has not seen him for nearly 10 years.

I was utterly crucified by this - my darling daughter was completely rejected. I can only say that he genuinely was not cut out for fatherhood was ultimately a selfish and cowardly individual. Your DP sounds very similar.

To be honest as horrendously painful it is you may well be best off having him leave, because as he is treating you like this you and your DC are not going to be happy or secure. You will probably be best off on your own.

Oh I misunderstoodf the geting physical - thought was reference to sex as opposed to violence.

Actually reading it back it still makes no sense to me really. Anyway, OP, if he us clouting you you really do need to get the hell out of there.

Just reread it and it makes perfect sense.

I am an idiot, sorry

and if there is another woman he will never tell you the real reason - he will come out with all the usual lines until you do find the stength to leave him (and he can be the victim).

It really does sound as if he wants out but just hasnt got the balls to do it.

The thing is, you can't make someone love you and want to be with you, just because it's what you want. Harsh as it seems. And I'm doubting whether counselling would help as it appears that he's already shipped out of the relationship in his mind.

Who was it who said (one of the Marx brothers??) that they wouldn't want to be a member of a club that didn't want them.

Has he only changed since the baby arrived? Or was he a reluctant partner before? I lose patience with partners men who say they can't cope/adjust to a new baby. They're invariably the ones who do sod all to help care for it. So where's the adjusting? They're just chucking their toys out of the pram as they're not the centre of the universe at the moment.

SO he's violent as well as selfish? Chuck him out. HOnestly, don't waste a minute more time or energy trying to think what will make him stay. You don't WANT him to stay, he's a loser. Check all the legal stuff and, if possible, get him out of the house rather than having to move yourself (not that difficult if there is a record of violence - have you ever had to call the police or seek medical treatment).
But remember that life is MUCH TOO SHORT to waste it trying to make a knobber into a loving partner. That;s what 'living life to the full' really means - not putting up with shitty people like this man.

Just came back from seeing a doctor, she is going to speak to the councellor, who will give me a call.

GOML, he has said exactly all the things your H said, to be honest he hadnt achived so much in his past life to belive that having a baby is stopping him from doing something with his life.

We are renting a flat so chucking him out will just only result in another financial stress.

He has never been the kind of person that would like to take responsblity, but a BABY, his own baby i never thought he would sunk this low.

I dont know if there is OW involved, found once a phone number, which he said that she gave him but he never called her

It is a huge shock, the most horrible hurt imaginable, and not what you ever planned, but i really thik op, that he sounds so self centered and childish, that you would be better off as young as you are to make the break.

he's just pushing you, and tbh when i went thru this I read so much about there nearly always being another woman. Iam not sure to this day if there was one in my case.

Sweet - I know with ay oung babym, your dad ill and a nightmare situation with your DP, but please try and make an appt with the CAB to sort your finances out. If you rent I am sure you could get housing benefit, however I know bugger all about what yu would be entitled to. But please go and find out as much as you can about what support you will get as a single parent because, I am afraid to be blunt, I think you will be one very soon.

Then you have some control over your own destiny, if he does bugger off/you sling him out at least you are not sat there fretting about the rent being paid.

You can then plan for the future, get a job, start thinking for yourself.

Someone said something very pertinent - what you are doing at the moment (walking on eggshells around DP) is exhausting - as daunting as the thought of raising a baby on your own is, to be honest you will probably feel far better on your own.

"Someone said something very pertinent - what you are doing at the moment (walking on eggshells around DP) is exhausting - as daunting as the thought of raising a baby on your own is, to be honest you will probably feel far better on your own."

That is so true. I can attest to that.

Take the advice you've been given on here - get yourself to CAB, find out exactly what you're entitled to.

I agree with GOML. I don't think there is anything that you can do, sweetexpectation, to change your H, you've tried and he's just not responding to you. The only thing you can do is to concentrate on your own happiness and take charge of your future.

Finding out where you stand financially will take some of the fear of the unknown away and will give you some power back. You don't need to be hanging on in waiting for him to call the shots.

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

This man is an absolute child - going on about celebrities and everyone having the "right" to be happy. With rights come responsibilities, something he cannot understand.

Ask yourself what you would tell a daughter who was living with a man who was abusive, adulterous (oh yes he is) and this emotionally retarded?

He offers you NOTHING but the status of being married. Being married's worth nothing if it means living with this sort of man. Take your courage in both hands and call time on him. The control will do wonders for your esteem. Make sure any future conversations you have with him include the words "I am worth more than this" - and mean it.

I can't offer any better advice than has already been given - you will be better off without him and so will your baby - take control by getting information from entitledto.com and show him the door!

I do have to say however, WTF have star signs got to do with whether a man is a grown up, emotionally healthy individual who is loving and supportive, rather than a selfish child who can't cope with real life and responsibility? (For the record, my DH is a Sagittarius). If a man is a selfish twat, it's not because of the bloody stars!

Hi Sweet I couldn't not comment on your post cause this is exactly what I went through 2 years ago. I am so sorry that you are going through this because of this selfish man.

Through my pregnancy my father was ill with cancer, he was diagnosed a week before I found out I was pregnant. I was distraught, I don't live nearby so I couldn't support my parents like I wanted, but through all this my ex-p was a totally selfish little boy. (he is in his mid twenties with quite a good job)

I had to put up with his pathetic behaviour (not discussing what we should get for our new baby, he expected our parents to buy everything, going out till small hours and other crap behaviour)whilst grieving for my dad.

My dad died a day after my son was born, and was my ex supportive ? no he carried on regardless going out and wanting to go for coffee on his own so he had me time???.

I look back and think I was walked all over, but I loved him and that why I let him do it.

Now I am seperated from him, he left when DS was 6mths and came back for christmas and left again. I couldn't be happier ! I have a wonderful boyfriend who would NEVER even if he was confused, tired and stressed about being a new parent do that to me in amillion years !!

You can find somebody else, not all men are like him. And you will be happier. I was distrught and lonely for months after but I isolated myself and when I gathered my friends around me it was alot easier to bear.

Practically you will find a lot of help from the job centre, particularly if you are renting as you will recieve housing benifit. Do not tell them you pushed him out, they will ask if he left voluntarily or if you asked him to leave, this does make a difference to them. So make it clear that he has left. There is a lot of help for working single mums if you choose to do that and if not as well.

Sorry for the essay, but I wanted to help support you through this terrible time.

Big Hug x

prettywhiteguitar thanks.
I am emotionally so drained, my headis about to explode.How do i go on with gaining my self confidence, apart talking to CAB, is there anything i can do, say when he acts the way he does, like not saying bad stuff just ignoring me to provoke argument, what do i do?