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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wee girl...

85 replies

Zondra · 23/01/2010 00:41

Unsure about telling you all honestly about my problem.
Noone else to talk to.
But,feeling really bad about this,so here goes...
I read my wee daughter's diary & I found out that something awful has happened.
Crying now as I write this, an older boy,whose parents I know (never liked them,v.anti-social & drunks) took my daughter to his "den" in the woods & raped her anally.
She's kept it a secret for a year.
Only found out 3 days ago When I was decorating her room.
Obviously,told my DH.& obviously he went MAD.
BUT,we decided not to call the police.
Do not want my daughter subjected to any kind of interrogation proving this happened.
I know that she would be subjected to all kindsof cross-questioning & I DO NOT want her to go through that.
Absolutely,distressed & cannot type out further how I feel any further,but am wondering should we contact the police?
Am I failing her not reporting it???

OP posts:

giraffesCantDanceOnIce · 23/01/2010 00:43

Surely if she was raped she needs medical attention. And counselling.

giraffesCantDanceOnIce · 23/01/2010 00:44

And yes still needs medical attention even after a year - needs tested for all sorts of infections that could affect future fertility. What age is she?

Does she know you know?

Original poster

Zondra · 23/01/2010 00:50

Yes,she knows.

Giraffes-I honestly hadn't thought of that.
Thank you.

She's only 10.

OP posts:

almostreal · 23/01/2010 00:53

PLEASE report this, your DD needs to be checked out by a DR and needs to speak to a professional.
He could also do this again, don't let it happen to someone else's wee lassie.

Have you spoke to DD about it?

I don't have any experience in this area but if media reports are to be suggested the way children are questioned by police and treated has massively improved over the years, they wont want to do anything to further traumatise your DD.

Original poster

Zondra · 23/01/2010 00:55

She's been acting like nothing happened.Even after I spoke to her.
My mum & aunt are child therapists. It's so awful,but,have not told them.
So confused & upset.

OP posts:

bearcrumble · 23/01/2010 00:55

She wouldn't have to appear in court, she could give evidence by video. Also they'd make sure there was someone she trusted there when they questioned her.

I just think in the long run it would be better for her psychologically to see you and her dad doing something about it - so that it isn't her dirty secret and so she knows she's not to blame.

Also it is important to report it so this boy doesn't do it to anyone else.

I'm so sorry for her and you. What a horrible shock.

TheCrackFox · 23/01/2010 00:59

How old was the older boy?

If he isn't stopped now he will carry on raping. Even if it doesn't end up in court it will be useful to get him on a DNA database.

I am so sorry for you and your family.

Booyhoo · 23/01/2010 01:01

how horrendous for all of you.

i undertsand how difficult it might be to report this but i think your daughter is best off recieving all the medical attention and perhaps psychological care she needs sooner rather than later. this is a lot for anyone to carry on their own, she will need help to understand that this was not her fault and to know that she can talk to you/your DH about anything in the future.

get her the help now.

giraffesCantDanceOnIce · 23/01/2010 01:03

She's been acting like nothing happened.Even after I spoke to her. - I'm not suproised poor childs traumatised.

My mum & aunt are child therapists. It's so awful,but,have not told them. - Well what good are they being child therapists if they don't know? She needs porfessional help. This will haunt her for life other wise.

So confused & upset. - I am sure you are but so is she.

If she is 10 now she was 9 when it happened?

almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:06

Zondra this must be a massive shock to you and very confusing but it could just be the trauma of it all, when I was much younger than your DD I had a terrifying experience. Afterwards I seemed outwardly fine and didn't speak of it, my grandmother worried about my parents reactions never told them as I seemed unaffected by it. Well a few years later I started having flashbacks and nightmares but my parents though I must have seen a scary movie as they were unaware of what happened to me. It took 10 years for the truth to come out the relief was immense finally it had been acknowledged and I could go on with my life.

The point I'm trying to make is that this trauma can resurface later in life, it needs to be dealt with now even if she seems fine with it.
If you don't she may come back to you as an adult and demand to know why nothing was ever done. She may also feel that as you did nothing you don't believe her and trust me that feeling is to awful to even attempt to describe and very lonely.

I sorry if I come across as harsh you must be in a terribly dark and confusing place right now and I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do but your DD needs you to be strong.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 23/01/2010 01:07

I've replied on the other thread of this.

You need to contact the police about this. The chances are that he's done this before and will do this again. Your daughter needs professional support that you are unable to give her.

Kitkatqueen · 23/01/2010 01:10

Agree with bearcrumble, If you do nothing she will think that its ok for people to do things like this to her. Please don't let her think that this was her fault, or to remain as a "victim" help her to fight back so that she feels strong.

I can't really get across what I mean, but it will mean more than you can ever know to her if you fight for her for justice on this one. This is a really awful thing to have happened to your dd, I'm so sorry, but at least now that you know and can support her.

RedLeaves · 23/01/2010 01:10

I have no experience in this kind of thing but it seems other posters have some good advice. I just wanted to post to wish you strength for dealing with all of this. Your poor family. Will be thinking of you all and wishing you healing times.

Original poster

Zondra · 23/01/2010 01:12

Thank you Bear & Crumble.

He was 13 at the time but is in 4th year scottish schooling which puts him now in the 15/16 age bracket,now.

I am really,really concerned that when she is older she shall hate her dad & I for not "doing" anything.

We live on a very small,scottish island. We are "incomers". It's a very difficult community & we've never been welcome.
This is why we have not went to the local police.

We placed our house on the market because of this.
Absolutely, determined to get my daughter away from here.

OP posts:

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:12

Zondra Have a huge hug! report it to the police, my little cousin was sexually assulted a couple of months ago and we're due in court in feb, i'm her supporter when she gives evidence. From what she told me the police, medical staff, lawyers were very understanding and were a empathetic as possible. They will take her age into account. This is probably a daft question but how is she? I feel for the poor wee thing.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 23/01/2010 01:15

Zondra, you really do need to go to the police, this boy also needs help. Your daughter needs support and counselling. You can take her away from the island but this will live with her for the rest of her life so she needs help now. This really is the best thing that you can do for her. Please take her diary to the police.

giraffesCantDanceOnIce · 23/01/2010 01:15

You have not gone to the local police because you don't feel welcome?

ItsGraceAgain · 23/01/2010 01:18

OK, it's cool that your daughter knows you know and that she's not showing signs of distress at the moment. As has been pointed out, though, problems could arise in the future if left untreated so she does need to be checked over by a doctor and have a bit of counselling. Also, the boy will do it to more children (and is getting bigger by the year), which is why it's important to tell the police.

The police use trained counsellors for this type of incident, they use dolls so the child doesn't have to state baldly what happened to her. I really don't know whom you ought to approach first, though I'd be inclined to discuss with your GP - and why not your mum or aunt (unless you think they'd interfere, of course).

Well done for facing up to this. All the evidence is that, as long as the child feels supported by her parent, she'll make a full recovery with no long-term emotional damage. Support, here, means believing her, dealing helpfully & factually with it, and assurance that what the person did to her was bad & wrong, but makes no difference to how loveable she is - and that she'll get over it

almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:18

Zondra that makes sense to me (scottish) I think leaving the community is a very good idea, could you not go to police on the mainland once you've sold?

almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:24

giraffes some of the scottish islands are very small and have very few officers, quite possible to be related to the family of this boy or have connections to them therefore not able to be impartial.

ItsGraceAgain · 23/01/2010 01:25

Oh, god, I've just seen what you said about your island and the police. Sorry I missed that.

I absolutely hate saying this, but maybe you're right about not going to them. How frustrating.

Could you ring Childline for some advice? They're really very good on the phone.

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:26

plus news like this spreads through a community like wild fire, its like living in a giant episode of eastenders, take it from me ..i know!!

danmae · 23/01/2010 01:27

i have no personal experiance of this. my heart goes out to you all. please report this to the police and show them the diary, even if your daughter does not want to take this any further

if it was me i would make her understand that this little boy is very sick, what he did to her was very wrong, but it was not her fault. i would try to keep everything calm and normal around her. do you crying when she is not around.

i really dont know what to say. i an so sorry for you all. good luck.

Original poster

Zondra · 23/01/2010 01:27

Giraffe- that is not the reason why I don't want police involved.
We live in a very small place with small-minded people & this "boy" who did this to my wee girl are part of a large local family.
The "boy" & his family live in the same street as me are notorious & honestly I am scared of repurcussions towards my child & us.
Honestly,if this had happened back in Glasgow,wth annonymity,I admit I would have went straight to police.Being here,though,feel so trapped.
However,the house is up for sale & God willing we shall leave soon.

OP posts:

therealme · 23/01/2010 01:29

I was sexually abused as a child - the same age as your daughter infact. I kept it under wraps, downplayed it etc.
It's what children do - to cope.

My parents found out later. And did nothing.

Now, as an adult with children myself, I find my parents lack of action harder to come to terms with then the abuse itself.

You are the adult. You are the person in charge. Don't take your daughters word for it when she says she is 'ok'.
She might be ok now - probably just relieved to have gotten through it and survived - but in 10 years from now when a boyfriend wants to get intimate she will start having flashbacks, will recoil in horror.

Get psychological help for her now.
Get justice for her now.

She may not seem to want it now, but in 10 years time, if she didn't, she'll start to ask why?

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