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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wee girl...

85 replies

Zondra · 23/01/2010 00:41

Unsure about telling you all honestly about my problem.
Noone else to talk to.
But,feeling really bad about this,so here goes...
I read my wee daughter's diary & I found out that something awful has happened.
Crying now as I write this, an older boy,whose parents I know (never liked them,v.anti-social & drunks) took my daughter to his "den" in the woods & raped her anally.
She's kept it a secret for a year.
Only found out 3 days ago When I was decorating her room.
Obviously,told my DH.& obviously he went MAD.
BUT,we decided not to call the police.
Do not want my daughter subjected to any kind of interrogation proving this happened.
I know that she would be subjected to all kindsof cross-questioning & I DO NOT want her to go through that.
Absolutely,distressed & cannot type out further how I feel any further,but am wondering should we contact the police?
Am I failing her not reporting it???

OP posts:
almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:30

When you leave will you go to the police?

Kitkatqueen · 23/01/2010 01:30

I think i'd be tempted to rent on the mainland and rent out the house on the island to pay for it iyswim? would that get you off the island quicker?

Then go to mainland police.

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:30

Have you thought about renting your property out or selling it to a landlord (looking to increase their portfolio) and renting in the mainland till your house is sold?

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:32

kitkatqueen great minds think alike!

giraffesCantDanceOnIce · 23/01/2010 01:33

Wow lots of Glaswegians/Scots on here - where have you all come from?!

You only put the house for sale when you found out - thats 3 days. It takes a long time to sell, then find somewhere else. Your dauhter needs professional help NOW. Every day this goes on is another day he is out their potentially attacking children.

How would you feel if someone else had th chance to report it but didn't...and if they had it would have prevented it happening to your daughter?

Kitkatqueen · 23/01/2010 01:34

I hate to say it but therealme is right, If you don't stand up for her now she will wonder why. It will devalue her in her own eyes.

therealme · 23/01/2010 01:35

Go to the police on the mainland now.
Explain your reasons as to why you are not going local.
Contact the rape crisis people. But please, do something.

Original poster
Zondra · 23/01/2010 01:36

Little,Grace & Almost-you've totally got my situation.Thank you.

I have to say that I really do appreciate everyone's answer so far.

It really does mean a lot to me.
I am determined to sort this for my daughter.Don't know exactly how but,I will.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 23/01/2010 01:36

I am put in mind of bananapudding's post here...it is so important to know your parents will look out for you without judgement, no matter what. Please get her some help. I never spoke to my parents after a traumatic experience at fifteen, but I really would have been relieved if they'd found out and acted without condemning me.

almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:37

Zondra is there any family that you could go stay with even if you have to send DD by herself until you can sort out house/jobs etc?

almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:40

Zondra I really feel for your DD and you, how horribly trapped you must feel. Your DD is so very brave.

Calling the Rape helpline would be a very good idea.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 23/01/2010 01:41

if you think the the island police would act impartially because they could be related then I'd be ringing the police on the mainland, reporting the rape and the behaviour of the local police.

I'm sure any police officer than wasn't willing to put child protection and police protocol into action because the perpetrator could be related shouldn't be in their job.

Plus it would be dealt with by police from the mainland anyhow - there's no way an island police would have the resources for an investigation of this nature.

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:41

giraffes are you a city girl? its sound like you could be! Its not that simple, think of it this way, this community have grown up together, live in each others pockets, know everything about each other and what they dont know they make up! How would you feel if you lived in a community where EVERYONE was talking about your family?

therealme · 23/01/2010 01:44

Yes almostreal. If you are living on the same street as this boy then it must be hell on earth for your daughter Zondra.
Really, you have to put yourself in her shoes.
She was raped. She has covered it up, ignored it. But she cannot ignore his existence. He is a daily reminder to her of the power he has over her.

This is life changing stuff for your whole family. Moving away asap would be of great benefit.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 23/01/2010 01:45

I guess if you really don't want to report it to the police on the island though you could wait until you've relocated, if it's still happening, although I'm guessing perhaps not if you've only just put the house on the market and ring the police as soon as you get there. But in the mean time ring the rape line as others have suggested

SolidGoldBrass · 23/01/2010 01:45

While I understand the OP's wish to get away, I think it is very important to contact the mainland police either straight away or once you have left. Because otherwise this boy (and quite possibly his family - he probably learned the behaviour by having it done to him) will go on abusing others. It was only when someone was strong enough and had enough support to speak out to outsiders that the generations of rapists and abusers on the Pitcairn Islands got dealt with.

Original poster
Zondra · 23/01/2010 01:45

Shall look into rentals tomorrow.A very good idea,all again thanks.
Therealme-you have made my mind up.
I love my daughter & I do & shall always want the best for her.
We are going to tell the police tomorrow about this.
I thought in a misguided way I was protecting her from more hurt & shame. I beginning to see perhaps not.
I've only wanted to protect her,but I realise not reporting it is foolish.

OP posts:
giraffesCantDanceOnIce · 23/01/2010 01:45

I wouldnt give a fuck what people said about me so long as my daughter was physically and emotionally safe.

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:46

awasailing. weather they call the mainland police or not is irrelevent. the family involved might tell people, it will get out, living in one of these communities is like living under a huge microscope. I agree with almostreal.. Is there anyone you could stay with on the mainland until you either gert the house rented out or sold? that way you could leave asap and start the proceedings...also agree the rape helpline would be a very good idea and could direct you to services that are available for your wee girl

ItsGraceAgain · 23/01/2010 01:47

I'm not sure that exposing the family to victimisation is the way to go. The little girl needs to be checked for possible infections, and offered the chance of counselling. From an emotional point of view, the main things are that she doesn't feel she is wrong, doesn't have to keep it a secret, and doesn't have to let the experience spoil her future. Loving and calm support is key, not hysteria or, indeed, neighbourhood outrage.

Zondra, there's a little page here that might help:
kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/rape.html

The phone number for Rape Crisis Scotland is 08088 01 03 02. They might have some helpful contacts for you.

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:49

and what about other the children coming up to her and taunting her, drunken parents coming to your door and having a go along with their auntys counsin mothers dog..and whoever else cares to have a go.

therealme · 23/01/2010 01:50

Zondra. Thank you. I am in tears right now knowing that my own horrible childhood and the years that followed have been for a reason - in that my experience has helped another little girl who does not have to go through what I did.

You are a fantastic Mummy. I only wih my own Mum had done the same

littlemissfixit · 23/01/2010 01:53

giraffes its all very well saying you wouldn't give a fuck but it another matter living in amoungst it. It grinds you down, makes life unbearable.

almostreal · 23/01/2010 01:53

giraffes it's not just as simple as people gossiping when you live in that environment. Plus I bet Zondras DD cares and the poor child has been through enough.

Zondra going to the police is the right decision, please let us know how you get on, I will be thinking of you and your family and hope all goes as well as it can when this sort of trauma happens.
Another thing about the police most of the Islands are connected council wise to mainland districts. Like Arran is connected to North Aryshire council so you can report off island and still be within the same district IYKWIM.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 23/01/2010 01:54

but that happens in "town" communities as well.

This is no longer the 1950's - if the police on the island don't act impartially then there's the force headquarters on the mainland have 2 huge issues to deal with - your DD's, and the state of their police force.

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