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Original poster

Mother in law issues -okay so it's not new!

81 replies

Bimble · 21/01/2010 11:22

Hi, I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my MIL has told me that she 'wants to be on hand' when the baby is born. I have told her in no uncertain terms that my Aunt the closest thing I have to a mother will be here to help out in the first week and she is more than welcome to stay for a couple of days in the 2nd week. She is not happy about this at all and rocked up almost immediately when my first daughter was born 4yrs ago. She criticised everything from my breastfeeding to my choice of nappies and I'm starting to get quite anxious and annoyed about it all. Any tips for dealing with this most welcome!

OP posts:
TheUsefulSuspect · 21/01/2010 11:57

Tell your husband to put his foot down.

mampam · 21/01/2010 12:00

I agree, your husband has seriously got to back you up on this one, it's the only way.

If she does rock up as soon as the baby is born, invite her in for a cup of tea but then send her on her way!!

I can imagine just the thought of it is a nightmare.

Snowtiger · 21/01/2010 12:01

You're the one who's pregnant so you make the rules!

I'd simply tell her, nicely but firmly, that you're very grateful for the offer but that it's not necessary for her to come and stay.

If she does arrive on your doorstep with her suitcases then all you can do is say 'it's kind of you to come but we'd prefer not to have visitors thanks' or something similar.

It's absolutely your choice and you should stick to your guns - though I agree with theusefulsuspect you need your DH's backing on this one so he can back you up if need be.

Good luck!

wukter · 21/01/2010 12:09

Tell her your Aunt is coming for the first week, but could she possibly come the second week to give you a hand for a few days? It would be so great for DC1 to have some special attention paid while the baby is still so new.

diddl · 21/01/2010 12:58

It´s just me isn´t it who could not bear the thought of having anyone stay?

When my mother suggested she would stay I was horrified-and told her only if I had a c-section.

Why do people want/need someone to stay & help?

Original poster
Bimble · 21/01/2010 13:06

Thank you guys but you know it's all been said several times and she STILL manages to ignore the bit where she doesn't come at all in the first week! Comical really if your hormones aren't all over the place but damn difficult when they are. She says things like 'yes of course I understand dear but of course I can visit can't I'? She then lays on a nice layer of emotional blackmail and makes you feel like you're the one being unreasonable. She's also been very devious this time and arranged to stay with a friend nearby so that she can 'be on hand' when she is needed but not invade my space by insisting on staying. I feel mean but I know what she was like last time and I'm determined to get my first week with the baby without her. DH has said he will talk to her and is 100% behind me bless him but I want her to respect MY wishes and MY space absolutely and not just because he's told her to.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/01/2010 13:11

Is she not even allowed a visit in the first week-without staying over?

Gosh, that´s mean making Granny wait a whole week!

Original poster
Bimble · 21/01/2010 13:22

BTW did any of you have home births? That's the other reason she thinks she should be here -in case my DD needs looking after when things start happening. You might think this is reasonable thinking except I've told her I have this covered too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bimble · 21/01/2010 13:24

Hahaha Diddl if you knew this lady you'd understand! She invites herself over regularly bearing gifts making it very difficult to say no! She also actually poked at my breast whilst I was feeding DD no. 1. Aaaargghhhhhhh!!Shock

OP posts:
diddl · 21/01/2010 13:49

Oh Bimble she does sound awful-but I´m thinking let her visit in the first couple of days for an hour-get it out of the way & then relax for a week or so.

I don´t particularly like my ILs, but I wouldn´t have made them wait a week.

FernieB · 21/01/2010 13:51

Stick to your guns Bimble! It's your house and you already have your Aunt there for you.

I wouldn't have been able to cope with visits from my MIL. I had a c-section and got fed up with people visiting me in hospital! Luckily my MIL was too far away.

Good luck!

NanaNina · 22/01/2010 12:58

Sorry but you sound ungrateful to me but then I'm the sub species of human life - a MIL!

She is being sensitive enough to stay with a friend to "be on hand" without invading your space and I don't think you are giving her any credit for this. This coming baby is going to be her grandchild you know and we older women get very very moved by the birth of our grandchildren and we want to be around in their early days of life if we possibly can. And is it so unreasonable that she wants to be with her other grandchildren at this important time. Why is she being demoted to 2nd place?

I don't think your MIL can be that bad as you "told her inno uncertain terms that it was your aunt who was going to be there first" - she could have been very hurt by that and probably was but has ridden it out and is still offering help. You never know you might need her help one day.........

OK she shouldn't criticise you but are you sure you aren't over stating that because like a lot of you young women you seem to have some basic dislike of your MILs.........

OK I will don my hard hat and retreat under a stone...............

SleighGirl · 22/01/2010 13:04

I too would offer her reasonable visits. Be downstairs with the baby, spend an hour or so together and then excuse yourself upstairs for a rest with baby and let your Aunt & DH deal with her.

One day we will be MILs and will be desperate to see our newborn GC

Alwaysonadiet · 22/01/2010 13:08

I would have loved my MIL or more to the point my own mother to have offered to come round and stay when DD was born but no, after the hospital visits (had EC) they bogged off on holiday leaving me overwhelmed, tearful and in pain (sad). I understand you not wanting to be criticised but I would let her come and then just give her a rollocking if she starts!!!!
Can I adopt NanaNina (smile).
Good luck with it all.

RollBaubleUnderTree · 22/01/2010 13:12

I know she was a pain last time but I think telling her that she can't visit at all for a week while your Aunt can be there is mean...sorry!

lighthouse · 22/01/2010 13:22

Nana Nina you have made me smile but a little part of me agrees. Let her have the other one to distract her, I wouldn't like the interfering and I hate my IL too. But they are a toxic lot. Is she really awful? in which case fine then ban her but if she isn't so bad, at least let her in a lil bit.

diddl · 22/01/2010 13:58

Glad I´m not the only one who thinks a week is mean!

giveitago · 22/01/2010 16:06

No I don't think you're mean - if she was a nightmare the first time 'round that's the last thing you mean the second time 'round.

My mil was THE biggest bitch the first time - there won't be a second time for me so I'll never have another go a breastfeeding (which was what she stopped me doing).

Ensure YOUR needs are covered - either be really nice and if she lives near invite her for the afternoon in the first week. If she needs to stay over then 2nd week is fine.

Your birth - your needs - your rules.

figrollinthehay · 22/01/2010 16:26

I think you should let her visit for an hour in the first week but do it when your DH is there and be very clear at that stage that it is just one hour. Get your DH to turf her out after the hour, claiming that you and the baby need some rest now.

No-one offered to help us with any of our three at all .

Slambang · 22/01/2010 16:40

So let's get this right. She's not asking to stay. She's not expecting to be entertained. She's offered to help out with dd1 and she buys you presents.

What a bitch she sounds!

You are being perhaps a little hormonally over-sensitive?

This is her grandchild too whether you want her to be or not. She is your dp's mum whether you like her or not. You are lucky that she is keen to see the baby. You are lucky she wants to help. You are hurting her and probably your dp a great deal by insisting she behaves as though she doesn't exist.

How would you feel if you were banned from visiting one of your children's babies for a week?

Give the woman a break, let her visit and let her rejoice with you in your new baby and smile when she criticises. It's a generational difference and she probably thinks she's being helpful.

NanaNina · 22/01/2010 18:43

OH WOW - did not expect anyone to agree with me, so it is heartwarming to know that some of you young mums are generous spirited enough to understand their MILS and yes Sleighgirl - you are so right - you will probably all be mils one days and know then how it feels to want to be involved with your lovely grandchildren.

Alwaysonadiet - oooh yes I'll be adopted please! Hi diddle - we always seem to meet on mil threads - you aren't one are you - too young I suspect?

And slambang - yes agree with every word you say!

Hope the Op can be a little kinder to her MIL

SleighGirl · 22/01/2010 18:48

If you're collecting extra daughters I could do with a Mum too.

MaggieNilAonSneachta · 22/01/2010 18:51

just let her in for an hour! then that'll keep her going til the second week.

I hated my xmil. hated her, hated her hated her... but it was natural that she wanted to see her gc and i didn't hate her for that, or stop her.

weegiemum · 22/01/2010 18:56

nananina - stop with the "you young mums" rubbish.

I know you feel very slighted as a MIL on here and have been rather offensive to me in the past about my attitute to my MIL (who is unsafe around my children, but you think that's ok!).

Not every MIL is as "perfect" as you, adn you need to relaise that!

messygarden · 22/01/2010 19:01

I think that you could let her see your new baby during the first week for short visits. If you hate her so much (fine, I don't know the woman, you may indeed be justified) then you need to get your aunt to deal with your MIL whilst she is visiting. Making her wait a week is too much IMO.