Mother in law issues -okay so it's not new!

[Bimble]

Hi, I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my MIL has told me that she 'wants to be on hand' when the baby is born. I have told her in no uncertain terms that my Aunt the closest thing I have to a mother will be here to help out in the first week and she is more than welcome to stay for a couple of days in the 2nd week. She is not happy about this at all and rocked up almost immediately when my first daughter was born 4yrs ago. She criticised everything from my breastfeeding to my choice of nappies and I'm starting to get quite anxious and annoyed about it all. Any tips for dealing with this most welcome!

Well, only you know the backstory, and I'm assuming there must be one, otherwise you describing her as 'devious' when she makes arrangements so as not to impose on you too much seems very harsh.

MIL and I cordially, and so politely, loathe each other, but they are welcome here to see their son and grandchildren whenever they like. And they do seem to have a sixth sense for the most inconvenient times!

Of course she wants to see her grandchild in his or her first week. And excluding her and not your own family is always going to be tricky, don't you think?

Like I said, there must be some backstory...

Well, there is a backstory from the first birth - she was there criticising away making the op feel bad - so she has 'previous' and based on this 'previous' it's obvious that a just given birth hormonal mum for the second time doesn't want it to be like the first time.

I really really don't understand why the focus is on being less 'hormonal' than on dealing with difficult mils - the hormonal thing is hormones - down to nature - the difficult mil thing is to with some (not all by all means) mils' sense of over the top entitlement.

This thread has made me very sad. My son and his partner have told me that they hope to become parents in the next couple of years and the thought that they would make me wait a week to see my grandchild fills me with horror!!
I've been at the births of my wonderful DGC, my daughter's children, & it was the most incredible experience of my life. I hope I was supportive & sensitive to the needs of the new parents. In fact, the only thing I was told off for was gurning in response to my daughter's facial contortions!!
Of course, my DIL may not want to see her in this basic & vulnerable state, and I will accept that.
But if my son & DIL made me wait a week I would be so hurt. I would expect to follow the labour at a distance, then travel over to meet my grandchild as soon as I can. Then to visit them at home, prepared to cook, make drinks etc. I would refrain from cleaning the oven as my MIL did at my DD's birth visit, though DIL is a much bettter home person ie tidied & cleaner than me!!
Please tell me you are all only excluding monstrous MIL not those of us blundering about, still full of love for our sons & daughters, who still don't seem much older
than your children to us!!

I think the OP needs to stick up for herself re the comments of the MIL (and also DH/DP needs to back her up). This is your second child and if she criticises you for anything you can just turn around and say "It worked for my first DC" and leave it at that.

Just don't take the crap. I can't understand why people don't speak up when they are pissed with something.

I would, however, let her visit, as long as she wasn't wanting to stay.

From the MIL's point of view (I'm guessing here) she may feel that you are giving your side of the family preferential treatment, and she is a grandparent when all said and done.

Is seeing your new grandchild in the first week of their life an over the top sense of entitlement? REally?

It sounds that rather than being "devious" she has taken on the chin your comments about her behaviour when your dd was born and has made arrangements to not be in your face.

It would be very unkind to exclude her for a whole week.

Can't you let her in for an hour a couple of times in the first week? I'm no fan of my MIL who undermined and contradicted me in every tiny way, invaded my privacy and played dh and I against each other; but I never banned her, and even now - when she really is unable to safely look after dd - we are trying so hard to find ways for them to still see each other, despite 150 miles distance.

If you can get it over and done with and then you can relax.

Your dh can explain that you get very tired with too many people around or something. Make something up to explain why she can only stay for an hour, and then make sure that someone is on hand to tell her to go and to usher her out.

If you can compromise in some way over the first week, then you won't have to play host the second week, will you?

Let her see her new grandchild - don't make her wait a week.
Maybe you could get your DH to explain that she overdid the criticising last time and that is why you are unhappy.

I only have sons and am not looking forward to always being no.2 granny...

I think it is if the mil or mother of the new mum gets overinvolved without invitation.

I know. Breastmilk dried up because of it mate. There are grandmothers (either side) who think it's motherhood revisted - ok - fine but keep it in your head - not verbalise every bloody single thing they'd do differently to someone who's just given birth.

Obviously depends on the grandmother - the op has said hers was problematic first time round.

Mine was so bad that at the six week check which mil insisted coming to - my gp shouted to tell that woman (meaning mil) to put the child down, walked over to her, took my ds and put him in my arms - quite honestly I was grateful.

I think its hard for MIL's looking in at their son and his partner the DIL as they dont have that mother daughter bond. But they too want to feel just as involved in welcoming the new member of the family.

I do get on with my MIL(better than i do with own mother) and am pg with her 3rd DGC her own daughter is also pg too, due/was due 2 days ago and i know for a fact my MIL has enjoying being able to share in her daughters pg more than my 1st and now 2nd pg, and thats only natural.
They went pram shopping together etc, something i never even thought of asking her to do.

Let her have a short visit and if it gets too much leave with the baby and retreat to your bedroom for lots of those special newborn cuddles.

Weegiemum - why do you think you can tell me how to express myself. And yes I do remember how we clashed on another thread. BUT I was told in no uncertain terms by a MN poster that it was "against MN etiquette" to refer to comments that had been made by posters on other threads, and was tantamount to "stalking" and this seemed reasonable to me and I have taken on board this advice.

I am just an anonymous poster like everyone else, why are you still holding a grudge against me. I have seen some of your posts on other threads and have seen how helpful they can be to others. I think if MNs hold grudges and can't get beyond it, it is worrying. We are just bits of text on a screen aren't we.

I don't think all Mils are hard done to - I just don't think there is anything wrong with posting an opposing view from time to time.

Yep but nananina - in this case the OP posted as she had issues with her mil the first time round. She doesn't want a repeat.

I personally think it's a good idea to get a mil's pov (not enough of them on mn) but generally people post not about great mils (love you to be mine) but because of not great ones.

I don't understand the need to see the baby in the first week! The baby is still going to be there in the 2nd, 3rd week etc, and will look and be exactly the same - so why the need to go in so early?

I had DD last March and the in-laws coming to visit turned into a huge row for me and DH in the last couple of weeks running up to the birth. I said I didn't want anyone there for at least a week, including my own mum, as I wanted time to bond with baby and DH for a few days before opening up the house to guests, cooking, cleaning etc. In the end we compromised and they came on Day 5, and as I was lucky enough to have a good, tear-free home birth, Day 5 wasn't that bad (but would have still prferred to have the weekend to ourselves). My mum came a week later and stayed for a couple of days (but to be honest we won't do that again - she mainly smoked and did the cross word).

When DD has kids, or if I have any sons and they and their partners have kids, I will offer to come as soon or as late as they want... it's totally up to them and the baby isn't going anywhere! Why the need to do it so soon?

I was gutted when my MIL took 3 weeks to show up after the birth of my 2 boys. I think it is mean to make her wait a week to see her grandchild tbh.

Boobz, I can see your point and only you know what your MIL is really like. And before my DD was born I too felt that I wanted some time alone with her and DH before anyone came to visit. But I do agree with other MNs on here that a week is quite a long time. Can you not compromise and let her visit for a couple of hours on, say, the 3rd or 4th day? And make sure DH sticks up for you if she's being inappropriate in any way. Sure two hours isn't going to be that bad?

And Weegiemum, I think you're being unreasonably harsh with NanaNina!

Cinnamon -- I get on reasonably well with my PIL - better than a lot on MN I expect, but I made the point that it wasn't them I didn't want to see, it was ANYONE, my own parents included!

I really can't understand why people think a week is a long time. You're right of course, a couple of hours on the 3rd or 4th day isn't going to kill you, but it won't kill others to wait a week - will it? I realise I'm in the minority here - I just can't see it myself. I fully expect to be asked to give my DC a week or more (whether it's a DD or a DS) to bond as a family before I visit (this is a long way in the future!) and will be happy to do what I'm asked rather than think it is mean of them in any way.

Boobz, I agree with you. It's up to the parents when they're up to visitors of any flavour. I don't get the hoo ha either. Let them be. They'll invite you when they're good and ready.

Bimble, my advice, fwiw, would be similar to others. Get the MIL in for an early but short visit as she's so keen to meet her new arrival and then book her in the following week with some other rellies so her visit is cushioned or ask her to do something with dd1 so she's of practical use to you. She's excited for you and yearning to be of use so let her be. She may well have got the message she was OTT last time, but even if not, this time you are prepared and both know how to deal with her.

i would love a great mil, but its not going to happen. we had not spoken since our wedding a year before. when she would arrive to see the baby. i would say "great to see you, you can watch the baby while i have a shower" leave her with the baby for half an hour or so come back, thank her for calling and say i was taking the baby to lay down for an hour because of early feeds, going to se doc or whatever and ask her nicely to leave.

I would tell her to call to see the baby. she called every few days at the start but the excitment soon wears off.

as much as i dislike her my kids are her grand children. i hope they dont pick up on tensions between us and they are smart enough to see her for what she is as the get older.

What MILs seem to fail to understand is that they will be most useful when DHs have returned to work. Not when DHs are on their extremely precious paternity leave. So I do not think it is unreasonable to suggest that they visit a couple of weeks after child has been born. Esp. if they live a long way away. Different if they are nearby as they can just pop round for a few hours. But what you don't want is PILs staying in area, even if not in house, when you actually just want some quiet family time.

FFS you are all so bloody wet. Agree with Boobs. Baby will still be there in a fortnight's time. And there is a difference bt parents/in-laws that live locally (in which case would seem mean to make them wait a week) and those that live long enough to need to stay overnight or for a few days.

Bimble, do what YOU want to do and what you think is best for YOUR baby. You will always hear "but it's her grandchild" like that comes above the DC being your child.

I am bitter biased as My MiL was a nightmare when DS was born - I lost out on vital bonding time and was a total wreck down to some of her comments and actions. Skip along a year and we barely speak, plus I am sure it all contributed to my PND.

When I have another one, I'll be asking people not to visit for 2 weeks.

When you are "Nana Bimble" do you think you will want to see your brand new grandchild asap after s/he is born? When I am Nana Skeg I want be in there at the get go celebrating the fact that my grandchild is the fabbest of fabsters and that my child and his/her partner are superstar new parents. If they say "Oi Nanna Skeg! This is OUR baby you know, give it a rest, we want some space!" I'd think "uh oh- overstepped the mark in excitement at fabness of my great family and its newest addition". If, on the other hand, they said "Don't visit at all in the 1st week" I think I would be absolutely devastated (and I'm not a particular fan of newborn babies per se).

I appreciate that you and your mil are not bestest mates but I do think there's a happy medium between banishing her entirely and not having her to stay.

But isn´t it also up to the father?

Admittedly the mother goes through pregnancy & birth.

But if I willing to let my own family in immediately & telling my husband´s family to wait a week he would have been

He was just as keen to show his baby off to his parents as I was!

Wow - I've been on MN for 8 years and have never been accused of "breaching etiquette" or "stalking".

Sorry if I have done either. However, every time I go on a MIL thread, nananina is there going on about "you young mums" not understanding how hurt and misunderstood MILs are. You do get a feel for posters after a while.

I'm 39. Have 3 children. have always lived a long way from family - when children were born I was a flight away from MIL. She booked to come for two weeks round my EDD with dc1, and when dh told her to cancel the flights (which she booked without asking us if it was OK) she took a week off work as she was so "rejected". I think it is fine not to want anyone to come and stay for even a night let alone a fortnight with a new baby - and in fact, she could have missed the birth all together as you can go longer than a week overdue.

As it was she came for 4 days when dd1 was 10 days old and it was lovely. My Dad and stepmum (Dad raised me) had been there for 3 days prior to this. I don't think it was unacceptable.

When I am "Granny Weegie" I will be glad to do whatevcer my dd/ddil wants. Its my Grandchild. Its her baby!