Mother in law issues -okay so it's not new!

[Bimble]

Hi, I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my MIL has told me that she 'wants to be on hand' when the baby is born. I have told her in no uncertain terms that my Aunt the closest thing I have to a mother will be here to help out in the first week and she is more than welcome to stay for a couple of days in the 2nd week. She is not happy about this at all and rocked up almost immediately when my first daughter was born 4yrs ago. She criticised everything from my breastfeeding to my choice of nappies and I'm starting to get quite anxious and annoyed about it all. Any tips for dealing with this most welcome!

I would try telling her with your DH standing beside you. I told my MIL on 3 separate occasions please stop doing something and got the whole O.K., right then, etc. And then carried on anyway. As soon as WE asked her it was all, Oh I didn't realise, and she stopped . My Grandma, Mum's MIL did this to her all time.
Sadly there are many people who only hear what they want and think they are the most important person in their childs life, even when they grow up and have their own family, many of them become MIL's. It all becomes a competition for them, sad but true.

I really think people should grow up a bit in terms of demanding what they want with regards visiting. A week is not a long time at all. The baby's not going anywhere.

If you'd be "devastated" at not being invited to visit for a week, then I think you need to have a think about it.

Why do you think you're not wanted for a week? Is it an active rejection of you? No. Is it because the new parents want some time to bond and settle down. Nothing to do with you, per se.

The world doesn't revolve around you, you know.

The basic idea of not having anyone to visit for a few days, or even a week or so, after the birth of a new baby is fine IMO. When ours were born we invited the GPs to visit whilst we were still in hospital ( none of this out within 6 hours in my day!) but, once we went home, it was just us for the first week or so, to give us time to become/bond as a family.

However, I think in this case it is different because the OP is happy to include her family but not the ILs. I appreciate that she does not want MIL staying, so MIL has arranged to stay elsewhere. I am not a great fan of my MIL, but when she criticized our choices for DC1, we just said ' Really? isn't it amazing much things change over the years. In your day things were done one way, but now we do them this way!' or similar. It soon shut her up. In any case, now that you are an experienced mother, I would hope she is less likely to do the same things this time round.And if she does, well, you could just point out that this is how you did things for DD1 and clearly she is fine so no reason to suppose that DC2 won't be.

Anyway, I do think it very mean to prevent a GM visiting her new GC when you are going to allow your own family to visit. Of course, you are entitled to do as you wish, but don't then complain if she takes less of an interest in her GCs because she feels you are pushing her away.

"She criticised everything from my breastfeeding to my choice of nappies and I'm starting to get quite anxious and annoyed about it all. Any tips for dealing with this most welcome!"

Bimble I think you need to learn to deal with the criticism so that it doesn't get to you and get you all anxious about it. That sounds a little simplistic I know and it's extremely hard to put into practice, especially with hormones and sleep deprivation and everything. I think if you could just let her comments wash over you, it would be a 'win-win' situation for everyone?

Do what you need to do, take care of yourself, and let her help you. It's only criticism. It can't hurt unless you let it. Understand that she does things differently and that she means well and that your LO means the world to her. I think the intention is the key here. I don't think she means any harm and is trying to help.

Also,OP, your Aunt will be there to help deal with MIL.

Leave them to coo over baby whilst you get some rest.

I can empathise with this I have also had terrible MIL problems, after first baby was born she was always there grabbing the baby off me, and refusing to give her back, and would not give me peace with newbaby - first discuss it with your husband and make sure he realizes the problem - then just be honest with your MIL and tell her who's boss, she can like it or get on her way, her choice - it worked for me - hope it gets better!

Blimey, I can't believe that some people are suggesting it's 'wet' and pointless for a MIL to want to see her grandchild as soon as its born!! Of course it makes a difference when you get to see a new baby that you love before it's even born!

My mum told me once that she feels as strongly for her grandchildren as she does for her children. Heck, when my nieces and nephews were born I was desperate to see them asap! And that's not about me and my mum being pushy nightmares it's about loving close members of our family. Especially very small and cute ones.

I agree with those who say cut her some slack and let her visit that first week. I also agree that you shouldn't have to put up with anyone making you feel bad or criticised though - make some plans now with your DH for how you will handle that situation if it arises.

Oh and I DO understand how if feels to have an unpleasant MIL (sorry NanaNina) - mine is deeply unpleasant in many, many ways. This opinion isn't just mine - anyone who's ever met her holds this opinion!! But still I'd let her see her grandchildren whenever she wants. The kids aren't just 'mine' - her relationship with them is really important.

I agree that it's natural for GPs to want to see a new baby as soon as possible. Would the same (baby still there in a week) apply to the father too?
But i am lucky to have parents & PILs who came, cooed over DD, made a fuss of DS and entertained him for a while, told me how well I'd done, drank champagne and left

That is something I put earlier SPB.
I realise it´s the mother who gives birth, but the father is surely just as keen to show off his baby to his parents as the mother?

yes, I agree, but was also meaning even further than that, practically the father doesn't do much for the baby in its first week - would it actually be OK to say does it really matter if he sees the baby at all for its first week? Most people would say of course, he's the baby's father! I think this applies to GPs to a lesser extent.
Sorry, not had enough coffee yet.

I know when we rang GPs to say I was coming ou of hospital and they could come and meet the baby I was a little put out when MIL said that FIL would just finish cutting the grass first - surely they should have been waiting at the door, car keys in hand for the call??! I now realise how ridiculous I was, but I expected both sets to be ridiculously excited and in love with the baby, and I wasn't disappointed!

I just don't get this 'I need a week to myself to bond with the baby' thing. My SIL told my DH that we shouldn't have my mother to stay when DD was born as we would need a week together to 'bond'! Ridiculous in MVHO.
My Mum lives at the other end of the UK so she came down and stayed for 2 weeks then added another week as I had an emcs. She was fantastic. She was able to come up to the hospital and see DD when she was just 1 hour old and MIL lives an hour away so she got second sitting when DD was 2 hours old. They were both delighted to have been able to see their grandaughter so early on.
My mother was able to help around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dog walking, washing so I could get on with BF.
MIL and her partner visited again in hospital as did FIL, then they called around when we got home from hospital which I found a bit much but coped with (they were kindly dropping off a chair I could use to BF) and then came back for a celebratory lunch a week later.
I can't ever imagine setting such firm rules as 'you can't come for a week'.
Share the joy, share the love

SPB

My ILs looked after PFB when I had second baby.

Husband came to see me the next morning, & I asked if his parents were popping in.
(I had had a v. easy birth & no stitches/tears and was feeling fine and had told him to tell them it would be ok)

He said no-they had already gone home-having driven past the hospital to do so!

How awkward op. With a normal mil you could have her visit for a few hours but your sounds like she has no boundaries so one visit will probably lead to regular visits every day .
Perhaps take the opportunity to explain WHY you dont want her around, the criticizing and esp poking your breast and hopefully shell keep it shut this time.

Before my 1rst dd was born, I have said to mil that we'll arrange a time for her to see before she goes on holidays. So I gave birth, dh called everyone to tell the news and from that moment, she didnt stop harrasing us. I had a very difficult birth and satayed for 5 days in the hospital. I was in terrible state, couldnt breastfeed, couldnt sleep, had a big problem with my bladder, I ended up very depressed. It didnt stop the cow to insist that she wanted to see her new gc at the hospital. We were arguing with dh as I didnt want her to come and see me but dh was still asking.

We then came back on the saturday eve, I was overtired, tearful etc..I didnt have any family around as they are all in France. My Pil came on the sunday, and stayed a very long 4 hours. She was really bossy, pose for the picture, can you look at dh while he is looking at the baby..etc..To this day, I still resent her for that.

Now dd2, I have warned her long time ago..no visits for 3 weeks as I wanted all my time with dh and dd1.I have no regrets.

OP-what does your husband think about putting his mum off until the second week?

If you did let her visit in the first week are you/your aunt strong enough to say after an hour or 2-OK, that´s it, visit over.

Will you husband also be at home in the first week or 2?

reckon OP may have gone into labour?

Could be.

I think that it's a hormonal time and let the mum do what she wishes. If op doesn't want mil round as a 'punishment' for the first time that's no good, however, if she's basically saying mil hasn't changed and won't be of help then she should just stay away the first week.

I think the op means her aunt will be helping rather than involving her family only in a fluffy type of way.

It's obvious from the posts on here that this issue completely divides people. It also depends on what kind of person the Mum / MIL is like (i.e. smac's relatives helping round the house, cooking, cleaning - walking the dog even! vs OP's MIL).

But, I stand by what I said... at the end of the day, it's up to the parents to decide what to do (there IS a difference between your baby and your grandchild), and the Mums / MILs should respect that. It only heaps unwanted pressure and negativity at a later date which is then harboured for weeks, months or even years later if it's not respected! I would rather wait a week to see my GC (even if I was gagging to see them when they were only an hour old!) because seeing them the second they pop out is NOT more important than my children's wishes and my relationship with them further down the line (i.e. is it worth pushing the issue just to see them at 1 day old vs 1 week old, to then have DIL think you're a cow-bag for the rest of your time as MIL? I would rather respect DIL's wishes and know that she appreciates that respect in return and doesn't then feel the need to come on Mumsnet and bash me like so many MIL's get on here!)

My mil and bil (bil uninterested) came for the day (10am-7pm) on day 6. It was torture for me.

When dc3 arrives, they can come around the same day but not for so long (maybe 11 - 4) it was far too much for me and knocks out the whole routine for the other dc.

I'm with Boobz - this subject will always divide, but, who visits after the birth is a personal decision taken by the parents of the baby and family/friends have to accept it even if they don't see it as fair.

It is a personal decision.

But MIL is as closely related to baby as mother, so why should she have to wait if the mother doesn´t?

Diddl - I agree in that respect, the mum / MIL should get to see the baby at the same time (so the MIL shouldn't have to wait until a week later if mum "gets" to see baby straight away).

BUT. I do think having your mum to stay with you post birth is acceptable, whereas insisting that MIL also stays (in the same house I'm talking about) is up to the new mum. When I said my mum was coming for a few days to help out (and stay with us), DH insisted that his mum do the same thing, when DH had gone back to work. I said I didn't mind her staying when we were both there, but that I didn't want nor need MIL help whilst he was at work, and then it IS different that she's your MIL and not your mum (I have a whole other thread on this!) My mum would geniunely help and I'd feel comfortable healing and BF-ing in front of her... MIL would be and act like a guest and would not want to be present for BF-ing / talking about the birth etc. Just the type of woman she is.

Well I'm beginning to think my MIL was not as bad as I thought she was when the DC were born

Whilst I completely understand how the OP feels, I would say keep her onside - when your DC get older, you will be only too pleased to let them go and stay with her so you can get a break

I just wish mine lived near enough to send them round there every day!

OP, I think you should let her visit. This time round she is being entirely reasonable so far.

Practice confident and polite statements about doing things your way and make sure your DH is on board.

Do be kind to yourself though. I am guessing you don't have a mum and I know from experience that it can be very raw and emotional when you have a newborn. Even if you are used to not having a mum there is something about having a baby that can highlight it and it hits you all over again. No one can replace a mum and its easy to think a MIL is going to try/do things that should be your mum's role. But they are two seperate issues and keeping your MIL away will not help at all.

Sorry if I am reading stuff into your situation. I just noticed the bit about your Aunt.

Good luck.

OP - have you ever tried to discuss with your MIL the things that upset you first time round - criticising choice of nappies, poking your boob etc? If not, perhaps you could get your dh to tell his mum that though he's sure she did it with the best will in the world, her criticisms etc really upset you last time, and that's what you want to avoid this time.

Then, as others have suggested, let her come and visit during the first week - when your aunt will be on hand to give you moral support - and if she starts getting critical again, either take yourself and the baby off upstairs for a rest, or say, firmly but politely, 'this is how I am going to care for this baby, and your criticism is hurtful not helpful - please cease and desist.' Plus, of course, this time your first dc will be there to demand some of her grandmother's attention, which may take a bit of the heat off you.

Good luck for the birth, and I hope it all goes peacefully afterwards for you.

NanaNina - for what it's worth, you come over as very biased on the subject of mothers in law. I do get the impression that you think all mothers-in-law are hard-done-by, misunderstood and caring individuals and that all 'you young mums' have decided on a whim to hate these perfectly reasonable individuals. You don't seem capable of looking at individual cases and seeing how utterly unreasonable and toxic some mothers-in-law actually are. And please note, I do get on very well with my own mother-in-law, always have, and always look forward to her visits - so I have NO axe to grind here.

Good post, fimblehobbs.