help me carry on with hyper critical husband

[stuckwithit]

I've got 3 children and am feeling pretty desperate. Husband is very negative to me. Not physically abusive but he gives me a steady stream of verbal aggression for relatively minor misdiminers (spelling?).

It's been like this for years now, and especially since our second child.

I can't do right, often no matter how hard I try to keep the peace. ofcourse sometimes I fly off the handle when I can't take any more- I'm not perfect but I know he is our of order.

His behaviour could be classsed as verbal/emotional abuse but I'm still determined to save the marriage. I beleive he is a good man underneath and he is a good dad but he is pessimistic,critical and importantly, depressed. He does not except that as to him it's all my fault.

Any one been there/ i know that most people who are open to discuss this have been brave enough to leave their relationship, but really i could do with support on how to keep it together.

thesteelfairy my mother was the precise opposite. She was extremely honest herself, although also kind (the old "what would you do if your best friend asked if you liked her new hairstyle, but you hated it" would have tied her in knots). She didn't have a deceitful bone in her body. She never even told me Santa Claus was real - we weren't deprived of fantasy by any means, we were just taught how not to confuse it with reality. A couple of times that I can think of she glossed over something she really didn't want us to know, but you could see there was something not quite right as she struggled with anything less than the truth. As a result I tend to expect honesty from other people even now. I had no mechanisms to cope with a lying toad.

The problem is, "underneath" is such an opaque idea that what he actually is - his real character - is agressive, verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. That is him. There is no "good underneath" because he was "good" in the beginning because he had to be. He's let his guard down now - this is his "underneath" IME and IMO

womens aid class emotional abuse as Domestic Violence.

It is not acceptable on ANY level and your children are learning how to treat others, how to deal with others through observing, hearing and witnessing your marriage and relationship with your husband.

Would you like your daughter to have a similar relationship? Would you like your son to treat his wife like this?

I honestly don't think there is any chance for "keeping it together" and a positive ending - I just don't think abuse works like that. I've been there; it started with benign name calling and ended up with attempted throwing me out of a car at 70mph and punching me so hard he could have blinded me......

This is what Womens Aid say:

What are the signs of domestic violence?

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

Most domestic violence includes emotional abuse, which can include such tactics such as:

destructive criticism, name calling, sulking

pressure tactics

lying to you, or to your friends and family about you

persistently putting you down in front of other people

never listening or responding when you talk

isolating you from friends and family, monitoring your phone calls, emails, texts and letters

checking up on you, following you, not letting you go out alone.

The impact of emotional abuse may be even more devastating than physical assault - and have much longer term effects

i am in same boat i contantly get phone calls about where i am on way home as i have to get 2 trains back from work but get accused of cheating when trains are deleyed.i have him looking at my body for marks and comments when i shave, i had his fist through bath room door and since i had mis carriage his hand round my throat when said i had enough and tried to slaap in spare room to have the sofa bed i was on tipped up in air. i since had phone call endless which annoring and nasty text messages i am on max depression tablets and have panic attacks when he loses it and if i try and leave he followed me and is on my case . the house is mine but he won t leave and don t think i should be the one to let him have my house the police say it for us to sort out and told his family what he like hopefully he stop this cause he can be loving not even worse .

The police are wrong.

0808 2000 247 - Womens Aid / National DV helpline - free, 24 hours a day

Give them a call tigger - you do not need a life like that

tiggergirl this is domestic violence. The police are maybe not aware of the full extent of what you are going through. Is it possible that he has talked to them and misrepresented what is happening? He isn't going to stop, he will get worse. If he wasn't abuser he would never have dreamt of behaving like this in the first place. When my ex was violent towards me and I called the police they came in max force and we had a follow up visit from one of them a week later. Domestic Violence is a huge priority for the police in my area and should be all over.

Did you actually tell the police he has put his hand round your throat, or just that he won't leave your house? They won't turn out for a domestic disagreement but this guy has actually assaulted you.

they know about a knife i had him wave at me and threatn me where i ran to the p station and they went around with two cars and took him to hospital as he cut his wrists when i went out i had a phone call later saying they were bringing him home , had phone smashed when calling family and recently had fist through bathroom door hand on throat after i mc and a sofa tipped up monday night

tiggergirl when my exP put his fist thru the door in my (rented) house the police arrested him for criminal damage.

they also arrested him for assault based on my description of what happened ie he pushed me , grabbed phone off me etc. (he was cautioned but signed statement giving my version of what happened ie admitted it - so this is valuable record).

if is your house and your door then you can get him arrested for criminal damage to your property - and it provides useful evidence of his violence.

call police - espec when you have evidence of damage done .

stuckwithit - i am not convinced by your reasons to stay with him. are you really convinced it is worth it? it doesnt sound like a respectful loving relationship - and you DO have a choice not to put up with it. you are doing all the hard work here - what is he doing?

tiggergirl - "i had a phone call later saying they were bringing him home "

next time just say no you not taking him into your home. tell tehm it is not his home any more. and you can put his stuff outside.

if it is your home in your name you really do not have to let him in.

and if he has cut himself or shown other signs of mental distress - again you have the right to say "no".

(when my thenP had cut himself etc the NHS were happy to send him home to me - i refused. they then found him a bed in psychiatric unit. stand your ground, say "no") protect yourself.

let the NHS/police deal with him.

stuckwithit, I was just posting on the Asperger thread and thought of you
Does your DH show any other signs of Asperger's Syndrome?
Just a thought. Doesn't apply to posts where violence has erupted.

forgive me Grace, but I don't believe that a steady stream of verbal and emotional abuse, criticism and belittling negativity towards one person only is necessariy a sign of undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome

some people are just nasty, because they can be, and because they think that other people are somehow beneath them so therefore deserve to constantly have their "faults" pointed out...

Yes, of course, AF. I hope I didn't say it was "necessarily" a sign of AS?

Emotional deprivation & negative communication can be, though. I thought of it because I was discussing the issue on the relevant thread.

OP - if you want to continue with your relationship, as others have said - you need to do something, anything. But not nothing.

The very next time he says that he criticises you, you need to tell him firmly that you are not happy with his criticism, and he should either do it himself or stop criticising you. If you do that every time, yes he may get frustrated and get worse for a time - but it will draw his attention to how often he criticises.

And you need to explain to him at a suitable time (e.g. kids in bed) that you are unwilling to accept the constant stream of criticism any more and why - i.e. you are not willing to have your children think that it is a normal way to behave and to treat your partner, and you are also unwilling for them to learn that behaviour or accept that behaviour towards them.

But you need to mean it! Know what you will do if it doesn't stop, and the timelines you are working towards - i.e. not next christmas!!!

Hi Stuckwithit - I too have not read all of the posts (but I will) - so far up to page 5. My husband is also of a critical blaming nature and also often in a bad mood. Also very loving towards kids for the most part and nicer to me when he is in a good mood than he is when in a bad one. Partly I feel sorry for him because he has had money problems for the last 5 or 6 years and is constantly under a lot of work pressure. And partly I feel that if it weren't for the fact that:
a) I want to be with my kids all the time (ie. I couldn't bear to be parted from them while they were visiting their Dad or with their Dad)
b) I don't want to live somewhere else (the house is his)
c) I don't want the kids to have divorced parents
and
d) I want us to be a family unit together

I would definitely move on and away from him. But the above reasons (and in that order) stop me from doing it. I do however dream of a more intimate and emotionally loving relationship - somebody who is really open with their feelings and who is not on a short fuse and who really likes me.
This probably doesn't help but I know all about the constant criticism and it is very annoying.

I also have 3 kids - they are 3, 5 and 8 years old.

Optimism is not your friend, OP, (and Arabella2). Nor is your kind nature.

Tigger: Call WA today. He will not stop -- things will only get worse from here. You can't control this. You will end up seriously injured or worse if he continues like this. You do not have a future with this man.

Sorry but have thought of more to add to my post - what has happened with dh and me is that we have become quite distant from each other - we are both able to talk about the kids to each other but do not really delve into each other's thoughts.... he will sometimes "tell me off" as an irascible father might a child so in this way our relationship is fundamentally flawed. We are occasionally physically intimate but for the most part are very unaffectionate - this is a direct result I feel of what is wrong with "us"

Arabella, how do you feel about the relationship model your children are learning from you & DH?

Gosh, so much of this is ringing true with me. I am slowly coming to realise that I have got to do something, however scared I am about the future.

My husband has the knack of turning any discussion or disagreement into somehow being my fault or (my favourite) because I am pre-menstrual. He takes no responsibility for our difficulties and refuses to come to counselling with me.

The comment about treading on eggshells is what we do in our home. What example am I setting to my two DDs? I used to be an independent woman, now I am a doormat.

But taking the first step out of here seems an enormous leap into the unknown ...

I tell you what else, by the way. The old "he's a good dad" chestnut. Quite often an abusive partner is ever so good with the children, because they are younger and naturally look up to a parent; there is no need to put them in their place because their place is naturally in deference to him/her. It's the wife/husband, as an adult, who is a rival for power and therefore must be fought or tricked into submission. However, once the children start getting older and having their own ideas, the dynamic changes. They're not cute pets any more, they are real people who challenge the parent's absolute authority. That's when the abuse starts to spread.

This is in addition to the example they are already setting by abusing the other parent, which I agree is itself bad for a child.

I split with mine and unfortunately am seeing similar traits in ds1. Who says he can remember exh speaking to him thru gritted teeth - he still does this now btw.

Wonder whether the fact ds1 was 9 when we split made a difference or whether such behaviour is nature (rather than nuture)

I clearly tell Ds1 his behaviour is unacceptable and its abusive!

re pmt - exh used to say he couldn't see any difference with me all month round - ie he said I acted as if I had pmt constantly - ehem not true!!

Hi

This rings a few bells with my past with my H. I put up with a lot and then at times told him how I felt. I didn't really push it to the point where I shouted at him because at the time I was scared to be on my own without him. Roll forward now 6 years and no matter what I said or did nothing has changed. Despite having a DD he still didn't change.

So fast forward six years and a few counselling sessions (not enough it seems, mind you he didn't accept that he was the problem), I finally awarded him with, I'm leaving you, just before Xmas. Great timing I know but I'd had enough. After thinking about things, he decided to go back to counselling and seems to be making the right changes. He is not horrible to me anymore, he spends time with my DD (in 3 1/2 years he did nothing to bond with her), but my question is whether my love has gone? We are in separate rooms and don't speak much unless its about DD.

You can't put up with this behaviour and treatment. It's not good for the kids to see and it's not good for you. It is making you miserable and I'm sure the kids are picking up on your unhappiness. He probably isn't because he only thinks about himself, but you have to do something. I'm not sure what it is because everyone is different, but he needs help, with or without your support.

Do you love him, is it habit, or are you scared to be on your own?

I wish you luck.

Annie -- so true about what happens when the children get older. There is no friendly give and take between my DCs and their father. He once told me in a very unusual moment of candour that he would prefer to have his children fear him than love him. His wish came true. They do not love him.

This site has some useful information about personality problems and their effects.

I said upthread that when I was a small child I used to try and please my dad and when he turned the charm back on, I would respond and be happy and think he does like me after all...

but I grew up and past that, probably around 8/9 yrs

when I started being stubborn and wouldn't be nice he couldn't understand it and would take it out on me (never physically...emotionally, I don't actually agree that verbal abuse always turns into physical)

our relationship really suffered, when I started to see his moods and ranting for what they were...the only way an inadequate man could feel good about himself

OP, I said I wouldn't post on your thread again but I see some newcomers on here

and I cannot let terms such as "good dad" go by, because these men are not good dads

to belittle your own wife and children, to attempt to destroy their peace of mind, their optimism that they are a lovable person and worth nothing (whether these inadequate men "mean to" or not...) is really the lowest of the low