Please tell me your classic MIL or Mother quotes and situations

[RTKangaMummy]

DS wants to write a short sketch about an interferring MIL who constantly interferes with the life of the DIL

Sort of like the programme

"EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND"

Please give as many examples as you can of the best quotes and situations

Thanks guys you are deffo brill

"Wow!..He's really dark isn't he?!"

MIL's comment on my very black Jamaican father, after meeting him for the first time.

Lol @ illgetyoubutler

Step mum - Kinnies, can you ask your Gps to stop buying me and your father CHEAP cava. We prefer the expensive stuff. (My Gps are the most lovley people and shes such a bitch to them!)
She has delusions of grandure and constantly puts my dads family down. Have no idea why as they have all been so nice to her. my dads family are more upper class than her family so maybe shes . Her family are really nice and norml so dont know where she gets it from!

My mum - For gods sake Kinnies, You are pg NOT ill! (this when I was in hospital on a drip because I was V. sick and barley lucid ) Shes a genuine bitch and i dont bother with her now as she always drags me down.

My lovley MIL is so scatty! she loses evrything and calls most days for Dh or me to ring her mobile so she can find it (she has never gotten round to writing the no. down herself )! I love her scattynes and wouldnt change her for the world!

My MIL is Egyptian and is horrified that her darling boy didn't marry an Egyptian girl (chosen by her).

Some of the delights of our 'relationship' are;

She refused to answer the phone in the run up to our wedding, so missed out on it (it was a tiny affair at the court anyway, but she would have been welcome). Every time I see her she breaks down sobbing about how she 'can't believe I kept her away from her son's wedding'.

She refers to me as 'the Russian' - as in 'how is The Russian'. I'm actually a Brit, but where we live (sorry to any lovely Russian ladies but it's the stupid generalisation in this country) they are perceived as keeping up the sex industry...hey I'm white, blonde, not of her townsfolk, therefore I am a big ho LOL

My FIL asks me every time we meet why I'm not pregnant. He has come out with;

"Do you just HATE children?"

In response to me saying I would like to get a degree before having a baby - "why? Women don't really need an education. Besides, you're married now".

In response to me saying we don't earn enough yet to provide properly for a baby - "you are living in sin. If you were a good person, you would know that God will provide everything for you" (yes I have heard that you can now order Pampers at Sunday service )

On a Thursday - "Mr. TeamJacob will be home soon. You know...Thursday is a good day to have...relations. It is a good day to get pregnant"

"So....is Mr. TeamJacob....hot?" I kind of looked confused...he explained - "is he hot blooded? I just wonder why you refuse to get pregnant. Maybe it's not your fault. Maybe he's not hot?"

AAAAAAAAAARGH!! Luckily DH's stepmum is the sweetest, kindest woman, and gives FIL a good rant every time he comes out with one of these DH (when he's around to hear it) also goes nuts at them. He feels mortified every time (as he blardy should!)

Lol

Pikelit I just snorted my head right off at your pilchards.

Rofl ruby. and at ages of dc's at time.

These are funny now but were not at the time:
When I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first DD she got out her diary and told me when it would be convenient for me to have the baby (not to clash with her golf dates).

She refused to come to DD's christening seven months later because I called my DB up first and checked whether it would clash with his graduation ceremony. Obviously I should have checked with her first as the monthly golf tournament was on.

Not so funny:
Before we were married, my grandmother had a protracted terminal illness. "Isn't she dead yet?" MIL asked me.

She is terribly forthright about other people's appearance, forgetting that she is now old and wizened. And as she has a hearing aid, her voice carries. A favourite refrain: "god, isn't that child ugly."

MIL: we don't eat bread in this house any more...Well, we sometimes have crumpets, but that isn't bread really, is it?

This as we were eating soup with...bread!

MIL (on watching nearly 6mo dd sucking on some blw-style broccoli): well, I think your mummy is a naughty tease...[goes into kitchen to get something]...nasty mummy, teasing you like that...[10 seconds pause]...yes, you poor thing, not nice, is she?...[another pause]...I just don't think it is nice...

On telling me that she and FIL have contracted scabies from her mum's nursing home, announces 'well, it should be ok for us to see you, as you can only catch it from close contact, like sexual contact'. And she really stretched out the word s-e-x-u-a-l!

My mil once compared me being an orphan as similar to a dog from the dogs home......as in they dont know how to be loved,you just have to keep training them .

She called me a 'lolita' in reference to the fact dh is older than me.

She used to call me by all his old girlfriends names and even the Dogs name!!!

She told me on her deathbed that I looked like Elvis Presley!!.

Oh yes and when we were planning our wedding she said oh you will be Mrs xxxxxx the 3rd....because obviously im the first xxxxx his ex wife is the second and well youre the 3rd......when fil pointed out his mum had the name before her she shouted thats not included .

Mil: About two weeks after my 1st mc: " For the sake of your dh and any future dc you may have you really ought to be over it by now!

About a fortnight after my 2nd mc "You really ought to be over it by now aren't you over it yet?"

About a fortnight after my 3rd mc to dh on the phone when he explained that I wasn't going out as I didn't feel up to it what are you talking about she's over it isn't she?

MIL talking about our wedding to her neighbour:

"It was like burying my son".

Silly cow.

My mother "I don't know how you can live like this with all this clutter, our house is so tidy, yours is always such a mess it's just not fair on the children, you may be a good mother but you are not a good housewife"
(we have 4 kids in a 3 bed semi, both work and I do consider or house to be pretty clean and tidy. My mother and father on the other hand are both rretired, their house is twice the size and they have a cleaner AND a gardener!!!!!)

We took our new car to see MIL, previuosly owned a very gas guzzling Freelander and sold it due to petrol hikes ect.. new car Diesl and economical but an estate car.

Upon arrival she exclaims "oh my god you have gone from one gas guzzler to another"

This was before she even said, how was your trip" (90 miles)

Spiteful bugger.

MIL on the subject of our wedding " we'll pay for a cake... at least something will be done properly then" and

OMG, I would have throttled her

Ooh, a MiL thread.

MiL came in when DS was 6 weeks old and said "why isn't CBeebies on, he needs stimulation you know"
ABout a week later "why don't you buy him some toys, he needs stimulation, he's so deprived"
On another occasion I asked her not to get him too overexcited before bed as he wouldn't calm down to sleep. Her "No such thing as overstimulation, you talk rubbish cos you read too many books". WTF

Oh and to a depressed first time mum (me) who was really struggling with anxiety, lack of sleep and looking like shit "you need to sort your hair out you know, it's just long and nothing" Yep, thanks MiL you old bag.

The first (and thankfully only) time I met exdp's mother and we told her excitedly I was pg with DD "oh, well you don't have to keep it".
Later on that day telling her my Mum had terminal cancer" Oh this just gets better, pregnant and you have a dying mother"

When exdp helped me across the road (for no reason, it was one of his, at the time cute, habits) "well clearly Mugggle needs looking after, she'll never manage on her own"

Fucking bitch. I bet she's proud of her son for leaving when DD was six weeks old and I have managed on my own, for 8 years!

On my wedding day, sitting down for the meal. The pudding arrived and MIL said "You'd better not eat that or you'll burst out of your dress."

My own mother, when telling me about how all my friends still go on holiday with their parents and I explained that it's because the parents pay for it said, "No, I think it's because they like their mothers more than you like me."

Just remembered a few more classics from my mother...
on hearing I was planning to teach and go backpacking round India after university..
"but what will you do about face cream?"
"you'll have to sleep in a bed with all the
other indian women you know. they all do"

on hearing i was leacving first vile, violent husband
"well just stay with him and have affairs" (!!!???)

on me still breastfeeding ds at 15 months
"it's not good to brestfeed boys for too long. It turns them in poufs you know"
(bizarre warped logic but of course Mother.Is.Always.Right

Great story, LeQueen! Reminded me of MIL#1 who, seeing Dame Edna Everage on television, said "I can't stand that woman! She thinks she's so high-class but look! She looks like a man!"
This was the same MIL who announced she was "better class" than her neighbours. Once we'd finished laughing, we explained about Barry Humphries ... and Danny La Rue ... and Julian Clary. "No! He's a man as well?! But she's pretty! She's high class, like Princess Diana! - Oh. She's a man." (Major confusion in MIL's tiny mind.)

Julian Clary was once very, very rude to me at a live show. But I'll forgive him anything for the sheer pleasure of that MIL moment

I came down one evening after a particularly lengthy putting DS to bed episode. And she had taken clothes out of the drier and laid them all very neatly on the floor!(we have underfloor heating)

JUST PUT THEM BACK IN THE DRIER!!!