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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

X is dying, again

93 replies

EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 21:37

Long and documented history of EA.

He has threatened suicide many times since split and has sporadically said he's dying of this or that (always things which some of my own and much loved family members have died from in the recent past).

I used to get dragged into every drama, have distanced myself emotionally.

Having trouble this time, he as kept up this particular bout for several months, consistantly. Has now said he's received news that he's on is way out.

Concerned for children. Could equally be crying wolf. Head up bum, help?

(DV/Emotional support worker not available until after weekend).

OP posts:
cravingcroissants · 09/01/2010 21:40

Oh god what a position to be in .
What does your gut instinct tell you....that he's telling the truth or lying?
Has he told your DC's?
Why do you you feel it's come to a head now?

MarjoryMoores · 09/01/2010 21:41

Don't know your backstory but could you ask to attend his next appt with his specialist (or whatever) with him - say its so you can give a clear message to the kids about his illness. If he accepts then I guess it gives you the truth about any illness.

How old are you dc's?

AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 21:43

offer to write his obituary

Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 21:49

I can't respond. His communication was by sms (and he isn't meant to have my number).

Craving, I know from experience that he has an astounding capacity to deceive.

Ugh, this is part and parcel of why he isn't meant to communicate with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 21:51

Craving, he hasn't told the DC's.

Marjorie, that would be ideal! Due to his behaviour towards me impossible though.

OP posts:
kettlechip · 09/01/2010 21:52

AF

Before you do anything I think you need to see some sort of proof of what he has, and its severity in the form of a specialist's letter etc.

Obviously this would never be necessary if he didn't have previous in this area, but I think you should reserve judgement and sympathy until you've seen some evidence!

norksinmywaistband · 09/01/2010 21:53

TBH I would Ignore, nothing is going to happen in the next few days and then you can speak to your support worker and let her advise.

The fact he has contacted you when he is not meant to and has found your number to do so would indicate this is part of his game play. If it was serious he could go through the correct channels to inform you. He knows this will cause you to question things, typical EA imo

Mamazon · 09/01/2010 21:56

he knows he is not to communicate with you. he has done this knowing it will screw with your head.
ignore the texts, and him.

If he really is ill he can get a letter sent to you via a solicitor. you can then ask fro proof via that third party.

Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 22:07

Norks, he got hold of my number a while ago. He was arrested for harrassment. His attempts to communicate wit me (or incite a reaction!) have been steadily increasing for a few weeks.

You and Norks are both right, I will email my solicitor with details of his latest sms'.

He's just txt telling me he needs a friend, needs to talk. Ugh again

OP posts:
Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 22:07

sorry, you and Mamazon

OP posts:
Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 22:08

...and kettle!

OP posts:
kettlechip · 09/01/2010 22:14

He sounds unhinged. Tell him to phone the Samaritans if he needs to talk, you aren't there to counsel him..

norksinmywaistband · 09/01/2010 22:17

yes he is unhinged, but DO NOT text him back, you need to ignore ALL texts from him.

Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 22:24

That's also why I'm posting here. While I'm blathering away, it's much easier not to respond than when I sit and dwell.

Sms are escalating. Will report to DV unit @ police - who also aren't available 'til monday

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 09/01/2010 22:26

Do you need to keep the phone switched on?
I like to have mine on when I am alone in the house, but as long as it is with you either silence it and don't look or switch it off

kettlechip · 09/01/2010 22:26

yes, sorry, norks is totally right. Think it, but don't text it back!! Hope you are ok.

Heqet · 09/01/2010 22:27

Agree. Ignore ignore ignore. But don't delete them of course.

Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 22:30

Yes, prefer to keep phone on and with me but is now on silent. I thought I had become quite resiliant to all of this ...I am ok kettle, having contact with others is helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 22:34

Am not deleting Hequet. He'll probably start calling in the early hours - to see if my phone is on, at least this is what he has done in the past and I'm assuming that's why he does it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 23:04

eco, I hope you were not offended by my early rather, flippant post

it was my heavy-handed way of saying "ignore". I have seen your posts before and you seem very clued-up about his deviousness and manipulation

it can't fail to poke you in the guts again though, every time he does it

good luck x

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 09/01/2010 23:11

WOuld it help to remind yourself that this knobber is unlikely to change his habits and be considerate enough to actually die? You're doing the absolute right thing by ignoring him and keeping the evidence - and keep MNing for support as much as you need to.

Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 23:21

AF! Not offended at all, I understood your meaning and it would have been my response of choice towards him (at least in my mind!) usually.

Just feeling a touch flakey, tis blahdy relentless sometimes!

OP posts:
Original poster
EcoMouse · 09/01/2010 23:29

Solid, it would, along with the many toe curlingly horrific things he as said and done.

Am a little disappointed with myself for feeling affected by his behaviour again TBH. I know I need to shake that off too.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2010 23:32

and then sgb turns up and my reply seems positively mundane...

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 09/01/2010 23:48

Ecomouse: I do understand that it's hard - however much of an arse he is, and is being, there would have been times when he was nice (arseholes are not arseholes all the time otherwise no one would date/marry/have DC with them in the first place). But he is an arse and sometimes the best way of dealing with this sort of person is to consider them ludicrous rather than hurtful. I used to know someone who, while no where near the league of your XP, did have a tendency to endless self-pity and obscure ailments - my mates and I used to come up with lists of wierd things that might be wrong with him this time. Perhaps imagining that your XP has warts on his bell-end or something might be a cheering thought.