Over 40's - is your mojo still working or has it been seriously messed with?

[TooMuchCaffeine]

Was talking to DH today. I am 44, he is 46. We have one DS aged 6. We were saying that there is an absence of sexiness in our lives. Most of the people we know are over 40 with kids, who like, us hardly go out, we are a bit skint at the moment so can't treat ourselves to new clothes, holidays etc. Most of the people we work are see in our day to day lives are dull, dull, dull (we live in E Midlands, having left "sexy" London eight years ago). The town we live in is dull - just crappy pound shops and low end chain stores, and mega-chain restaurants. There are no funky sole-trader shops or quirky shops to mooch around in or little eateries to try new things.

Most of the things we do are child centred and involve ferrying DS to his various activities and social engagements, and sitting around in silence with other bored parents (who when they do talk only ever talk about their kids - not what is happening out there in the big wide world).

Basically I just don't feel sexy anymore - there's nothing happening, nothing is new, my va va voom has gone and my mojo is deffo not working.

Anyone else feel like this?

Just me then?

Well I am living in "sexy London" lol! And my mojo is definitely still there. I'm the same age as you. I think going to cool bars/restaurants now and again gives you the opportunity to dress up a bit, put on the slap and feel a bit glam in a dreary world. Surely there must be somewhere in East Midlands you can go for that.

It sounds like you also need something not related to kids...don't we all. I go to a pub quiz and love it. It stimulates your brain, conversation with friends and kids are NEVER mentioned. Why not organise a party in your home with maybe a 70s/80s theme. 70s party cool with all the Jackie CDs and you can still buy babycham. Make sure everyone dresses up a bit...it's easy...flares, afro wigs, etc.

I find that the odd thing like these can really put a spring back in my middle aged step!

Do you ever get a baby sitter and go out and spend time alone together? Do you ever socialise individually with other friends?

I think its important to remember to do things that are not child-centric otherwise somehow your entire life only ever revolves the children and you forget who you used to be.

I have a regular cinema evening with a couple of other local mum's (about once a month) or we get together for a natter in the evening in one of our houses after the kids are in bed for a girly natter.

I also see other individual friends for meals out every so often and DH and I try to go to concerts or bands etc.

It just sounds like you need more of a social life - both together and apart? As well could you start a new hobby, learn a new sport (I just learnt to snowboard over our Xmas holiday and I'm 43 - you could do something a lot cheaper!) - anything that is for YOU not for your child?!

I feel the same. DH and I try to book a night away in a luxury hotel every now and again which seems to help.

I'm 43, hubby is 44, life has never been so sexy - I think the loss of mojo is to do with having young kids around actually.
Incompatable shift work has a huge part to play in straining relationships too - my DH worked permanent nights for 3 years followed by 10 years of rotating shifts when dd was younger , it's only when you look back that you realise how damaging it can be when you are barely seeing one another.

We have one daughter of almost 20 and she is at University now so everything we now do is for us two , we started holidaying without her when she turned 16 and it reconnects you as a couple, you get so used to just being a mum and dad - everything centres on your children and their schooling, you are tied to school holidays and exams etc.
The joy of being able to say , "sod it, lets have a few days away" etc. is indescribable.
Unless you have parents happy to take the kids for weekends etc. it's a long hard slog till they are old enough to be left - it does improve dramatically when your kids are grown up, especially when they are driving and you are no longer the taxi service.
There's nothing wrong with putting your children first, just remember the light at the end of the tunnel, unfortunately with people having children later and later, they can actually be retired before the kids are off their hands, when I see people over 40 having babies , I honestly think they are bonkers.
My SIL is 40 and her youngest is 8 years old, I can't help thinking, you poor cow - I realise I've probably just upset half of mumsnet but I feel like we've got our life back and it's great.

TooMuchCaffeine, I know what you mean, I live in suburbia (the South East) as well, and believe me, Fizzfiend, there is nowhere to go in suburbia, we have a large M & S and a large Tescos, and everyone's lives seem to be centered around offers from these. There is one local pub, and it's awful!

But my kids are only 2.5 and 5 so I still live in hope - certainly of moving closer to London again!

I find it hard to get out as we don't have the money and getting my MIL to have the kids over night is near impossible. Last year I got my sister over from Denmark to babysit while me and DP went away on business for a few days, and MIL was so offended, she forgot that she had refused to babysit for a year...

Sorry, getting OT...

TooMuchCaffeine, you are stuck in your habits - you need to get out and get your joy of life back! See if you can find inexpensive recreational things to do with your DP WITHOUT your DS!

It's nothing to do with your age- it's is everything to do with how you see yourself.
I think you have answered your own question.
If your life is dull, then you feel dull.

However, I don't quite see how living in a sexy place, fancy restaurants, nice shops etc etc equate to having your mo-jo back!

Surely it's all about the connection you have with your partner- whether you are on a desert island or living in W1 in a penthouse?

I know what you mean and I think living in a depressing, nowheresville town full of pound shops is soul-destroying, no matter how great you get on with your dh. Are there any interesting towns/cities nearby? Or rural villages with great pubs/restaurants.

But I agree with others that it's easy to slip into this when you have small children - the day IS just child-centric and at the end of it, it's too easy to just fall asleep once all the chores are done. My dh often doesn't come home till after midnight - most nights actually - so the day seems to be taken up with ds and db and housework with an hour or two to myself at the end of it (which means going to bed too late and being exhausted in the morning, but that's another story).

My dh and I have instigated a date night and have a babysitter who comes every Friday night - we mostly go to the cinema and then out for a drink afterwards, or sometimes just for dinner. It's really important, I think, to just get some distance from the daily grind.

Date night aside, we're both usually knackered. But time with the children is going so fast and I figure there's plenty of time left in the future for doing whatever we want, when we want. And the rewards from having the kids are immeasurable, of course.

Btw - Malificence - I totally understand your point of view, but it's two sides of the same coin, I think. In my twenties I was working in London and New York and I wouldn't have swapped that time for anything - they were amazing, brilliant years and I would have probably thought 'poor you' to anyone stuck at home with small children back then. Having done that, I can handle these years of being home most of the time.

I'm 40, btw, with a 4yo ds and a 10 mo db.

I see your point ifeelitall we had an interesting twenties though because we were constantly on the move with DH being in the airforce, it was when he came out in '95 and we settled for the 1st time it became hard, he just couldn't adjust to civvy life and was working very long hours, I was working almost full time due to his drop in pay and it was a dull, hard 10 years for the most part.

It may seem extremely boring to some but we joined the National trust and it was more than worth the money, it means cheap days out ( take a picnic to save on the cafe prices) to some lovely properties, you can get out and walk in the fresh air and they have great facilties for children at the bigger houses - we are lucky that we have easy access to Wales, the North West, Staffordshire and Cheshire plus Derbyshire, so have a huge number of places to visit.

Just the two of you going to the cinema and holding hands can go a long way to re-establishing intimacy.
Sexiness is a state of mind, not about the trendiness of the area in which you live.

I think I know how you feel a bit TMC.

I relocated 4 years ago to a town which has very little in the way of excitement _ I was used to living in the country but having access to a large city with lots going on.

Now I am in suburbia and sometimes it feels realy small-townish.

However, I think everywhere has interesting things going on if you look hard enough.

I found a local cinema club that runs out of our very small theatre, showing interesting films once a month, comedy clubs, salsa classes, and so on. Anything like that going on?

Do you work? I have made some good friends through work as even ina relatively small place there are some interesting people if you chat to lots of people. One guy I discovered by chance writes poetry and is into the local arts scene for example.

I also agree getting out into the countryside (from where you are I wondered Derbyshire??) - what about joining your local wildlife trust for walks / activities - you might find more interesting people there, even if you have to go further afield.

I know none of those things sound hugely sexy but I think finding some people who have more interesting lives might help?!

Well I have joined taekwondo to get fit and meet more people. I do see my own friends for coffee and the odd meal out. We don't have family living nearby and babysitting can be costly on top of paying for a meal out. I do think environment does contribute to how you feel. I do not live in a happening place - we did a lot more in London, even just going down to Spitalfields or Camden Lock (pre DS of course) We don't have anywhere like that here. We had some friends round for new years day which was nice (albeit with their combined six children trashing the place along with DS). I think I am more talking about having something interesting to look forward to. BTW we live in Northampton Frayedknot.

Having said that we were in London last week and drove through Camden and it just looked awful - touristy and trashy and crowded.

So grass not always greener.

If your town begins with R I totally sympathise
as for mojo mine is mainly OK but my life has been fairly unsettled and I don't really go in for long term relationships. Maybe I need a little less mojo, actually.

wishes Mr Mal had a 19 year old's libido . I wear him out far too easily - he is 44 now, so older than me for the next 6 months .
He keeps eyeing the ginseng and gingko I'm forcefeeding offering him with suspicion and keeps "forgeting" to take it .
He'll be on the horny goat weed if he doesn't shape up!

Harrumph...my mojo is just bloody dandy, but I don't have a fella to work it on.....

I'm 40.

And have been to Docs.... I am going through the early stages of the menopause. So I have pubescent hormones, a confused body and could eat men for breakfast at the moment...

Take menopace, agnus castus and starflower oil capsules and your mojos will be just dandy..

Just ginseng and EFAs for me.

TMC It wouldnt make much difference would it to how exciting your life is if you lived in London because as you said so much of your time is taken up with your DC and you dont go out much anyway due to money constraints and babysitting etc/

I moved from Dublin to a very remote town on the Irish coast. It was a big culture shock as a girl who lived her whole life in the (albeit small) city.

I love my life here now though. The quality of life is far better. My husband is a local man and therefore we have been able to get good reliable babysitters through people he knows. There are only two restaurants, which are both cheap compared to the city, so going out doesnt break the bank. We have 5 kids under 10 so it really means a lot to us to get out together, even though it tends to be to the same places same pubs, because there is not that much choice, we just feel happy to get out of the domestic chaos for a couple of hours and enjoy a meal and a few drinks, good chat and maybe meet up with friends.

Not to sound smug though. We have been through the mill this last 18months, had several visits to Relate, and really wondered if we were going to make it through it all. We are working on it, and my mojo which has been all but dead for years is now beginning to make itself felt again and that it a good feeling. Mal is right, young kids really do take it out of you, much as we adore them, but you dont realise how much of the Mojo just gets left behind in the day to day project management that is running a family.

If you cant get out, make a nice meal, get some good wine, have a couple of hours alone with your husband, or invite some likeminded friends along and just chat and enjoy the company. You dont have to live in the Big Smoke to make some fun for yourself, all you need is your husband, some great friends, and some interests that you feel passionate about and hopefully the Mojo will follow..

LeQ, how quick's his recovery time?

I'm sure I could break him - I do like it rough.

Although, Mr Mal put in a sterling performance last night he did give me a thorough workout.

Perhaps we should start a website - Pimp your husband? Yours has the added element of size, mine has a uniform ( well, his hat still fits ).

Yes, children are the libido killer, just seeing one out of two off to uni and leaving the other more tohis own devices has improved things for me. Things that seem to help:

1. hotels ( unless you are constantly staying in them for work)
2. Country walks in the summer with a picnic,
3. Being sociable with friends - seems to make you frisky when you get home.
4. Making the effort with cothes/makeup etc.

Things that kill it all:

1. not going out
2. Spending all weekend doing housework
3. not finding time for each other.

We had a very efficient way of dividing housework, childcare etc 50 50 for some years, it worked well on a domestic front but meant we didn't do much together and now I don't think that is a good idea at all.

Hi Too Much Caffeine

No what you mean I lived in London 26 years then moved to the East Midlands not having a downer on the east midlands per se whatseover there are some lovely people and people so much happier/functional but far less distracting up here innit!

I have been up here 2 years, last summer I took up buddhism which was my turning point in adjustment/feeling happier again, not everyone's cup of tea I guess!

I am 46 so your age so if you fancy meeting up? My son is nearly five now it is getting a lot easier now I feel.

I live in Long Eaton where you live it can't be any worse than here there is nothing to do really although as I say I do go to my Buddhist meets and there are always nice people everywhere.

If you live near me you can look me up!

I think London has a lot of scummy parts too and I certainly don't miss those!

Take care!