talked in depth to therapist about stuff

[wannatalk]

now feeling very exposed.

we have talked in general for the last 18 months about sexual abuse, I have PTSD, had an episode whilst with her and talked in more detail about the experience I was trapped in.

I told her things I haven't told anyone, shared with her extreme detail of one part of an horrific experience, I am embarrassed to have told her such explicit sexual detail.
DH home got to go, BBL

So DH bathing the children.
I guess my question was for anyone who has had therapy (or who is a therapist) How do I go back next week and carry on. I feel like by sharing this I have bought an end to the relationship because I now feel too exposed.

Question is do you want to? if not then I don't know. Do you feel better for letting it out?

thanks for replying
I definately want to be better.

I want to not re-experience things in the way that I currently do, and I have tried for 20 years to fix this on my own.

I felt totally comfortable with her and talking about the events, and at the time she asked me if I could talk to her a little about what I was trapped in, and although it took a little while I managed to tell her and she managed to help me out with some of the techniques we have talked about and I have been practising in private.

She is a very gentle lady, part of the reason I havent been able to talk about it before is that I feel that by sharing I am exposing someone elses mind to my nightmare and that doesn't feel like a kind thing to do to someone, and somehow makes me to a certain extent as bad as te person who did those things to me IYKWIM

Wannatalk, congratulations on getting this far! You're brilliant

I felt like this some times. I emailed my therapist after the 'difficult' appointments, explaining my discomfort - your word, exposed, sums it up nicely. I think I was looking for reassurance that it was okay for therapy to be like this: reassurance was provided.

The whole business of therapy is about coming to terms with your feelings. When vulnerability is one of those feelings, it's perfectly acceptable. And, as your counsellor's job is to help & guide you through the process, of course it's helpful to ask her to help with this one too!

Wonderful to hear you've found someone you can trust with your vulnerability. My very best wishes for this year's 'journey'.

xx

Thanks IGA
did you feel that you were burdening the person?
I know she is a trained professional but I can't imagine someone as lovely has her not caring about the things I would be telling her if I told her everything IYKWIM

sorry and I meant to add that I don't want her to care, I just want her to fix me

Yep, you mean "are your memories hurting her?"

No. Assuming she's fully trained, she has reviewed cases of unimaginable horror - despite that, she has chosen the profession. Her training gives her the tools to help those who've lived with horror; no doubt she also uses those tools for herself, should she find herself deeply affected by a client's experience.

One thing: Those who've been abused often become abusers - or are terrified of becoming one. In case your worries form part of your current process, I think it's a good idea to tell her of your concern

Wannatalk, of course you will feel vulnerable. That took a lot of courage.

It will feel very strange to have finally let out something you have held inside for so long - can feel a bit like you have a sign hanging around your neck.

You have come this far - please go back next week. Your therapist will be able to hold what you have told her without judgement or extra drama. Witnessing that can be very powerful in your recovery.

I think one of the things you can get out of therapy is a controlled experiment, acting out the consequences of things just like this.

so you have acted out, hopefully in a safe space, what it means to tell somebody about what happened.

The thing about therapy is that it is in your hands, you have control. If you wanted, you need never see her again. You will certainly be unlikely to ever see her out of the therapy context. So you have less to lose than if you tried this out in RL. I suppose it's a bit like mn!

So you are free to think about the feelings it brought up - being exposed, that you were burdening her - and you can think about why you felt like that and even discuss it with her.

If it helps, you can think about her as a sort of mn avatar thingy made real ... . But the therapy is for you.

It is difficult. You have to trust her and it's a risk. But, unless she's v. bad, it's a controlled risk.

Oh God, do you mean you think I will hurt my children???

Also remember that therapists usually have regular supervision in which they can seek support for themselves. You don't need to protect her feelings - that's the therapeutic relationship.

I think IGA was saying (ws it IGA?) was that the FEAR of becoming abusers is a part of the whole effects of abuse.

Fwiw, that fear haunted me when I first had dc, and it was a big thing realising it would not happen.

x posts.

you are right about it being a controlled risk, complicated childhood means I have learned not to ask for support/help as it isn't forthcoming, I guess the subtext to all of this is I am waiting for her to say that I have overshared, and she won't help me.

The other thing is that what I shared is just a snapshot of all the stuff that is trapped in my head that I re-experience at random, what I shared with her was by no means the most painful/degrading part.

that's how I read it too, hbfac

do you mean that I potentially have a hightened awareness of the effect ofmy actions on others?

Seems sensible - you're testing the water. You've already proved to yourself that you are sensible, cautious, and I'm quite sure you will learn that you can take a greater risk when you feel ready for it.

I sometimes think that it's the reflection in between therapy sessions that is more valuable than the therapy itself!

Have you thought of getting a notebook and jotting down/working through thoughts you have in between sessions?

I have HBFAC but I have a problem with a visitor we have who snoops (very very badly) and the idea of her ever getting hold of it makes me not do it.

Nice insights there, all above

What a shame about your visitor, wannatalk. No worries, I'm sure you'll find safe ways to work through your process. Your counsellor might even have a good idea.

The anxieties you're feeling now are absolutely on track for the stage you're at with your therapy. Looks like you've found a good one there - and are working well with her; our process is always about what we do with the knowledge our 'guide' helps us to find.

Don't rush it; go with the flow and take strength from the support you're finding. You're doing very well!

you've been brave. and what has come up is the work: your fear of being too much, or causing pain to someone else, of burdening them, of being betrayed...this is the stuff you need to work on with her, and now that all of this is there, between the two of you, you can...

the reason good psychotherapy trainings are long and require trainees to undertake their own extensive therapy is in part in order that she can do this work with you.

you are in a tough, frightening place, the very best place to explore how that feels is with your therapist. tell her (if you can) exactly what the last session left you feeling...that she is (perhaps too) gentle, that you may be burdening her, exposing her to the horror. then between you, you can unpick and unravel those threads, and in doing so really know (on a gut, rather than head level) just how much your abuse has left you with in terms of how you relate to people to this day.

she can't 'fix' you. but being in relationship with her (real relationship i.e. telling her how scary it's been feeling and how little you trust that she can take it) may go a long way to helping you not only understand yourself, but be kinder and more accepting of yourself.

Do you think I should try to contact her before next week?

the thing is last time I had to talk to her about something that had happened during a session that had caused me anxiety, I couldn't physically get into her office, I froze on the pavement outside and we had the first half of our session outside on the pavement. I was sooo worried about having to talk to her about it.

Snoopers are tough, and put me off journalling, too.

I used to leave myself little reminders around the house about important points I wanted to remember - things that only I would notice and know the meaning of.

For example I put a small sticker on the kitchen clock to remind me to stay in the moment, and printed off little pictures and stick them up here and there (an owl to remind me about a session where we "looked down" on events, a photo of myself as a child, etc.)

When we finished therapy I bought myself a little heart-shaped mirror

i imagine that she may well have some idea of how difficult this is for you. if you can bear to wait, then do. have you ever talked to her about contact between sessions?

biggulp what a fantastic post!

I think that's a good idea, wannatalk. Be careful that you don't talk yourself out of going, though.

Perhaps start by simply saying that you are trying to find reasons not to go next week?

we have email contact. articles I have read and want to share.

Never conversational, not expecting replies, (even though she does)

Snotbaby, that is a really good idea. One of the things we have worked on is feeling like criticism from a regular visitor is like water off a ducks back, I hear it but it is not absorbed I found a great picture of a duck may print it off and put it up somewhere.

an email might help you through to the next session.