talked in depth to therapist about stuff

[wannatalk]

now feeling very exposed.

we have talked in general for the last 18 months about sexual abuse, I have PTSD, had an episode whilst with her and talked in more detail about the experience I was trapped in.

I told her things I haven't told anyone, shared with her extreme detail of one part of an horrific experience, I am embarrassed to have told her such explicit sexual detail.
DH home got to go, BBL

Phew!

You are really nice, you know.

I'm emboldened by that to add that none of us are perfectly sweet and serene inside, whatever we look like outside. Not everybody has been through what you have, but we all have our demons. You're not a horrible, disgusting person hiding out among nice perfect people. Imperfection is part of the human condition. Although realistically you might know that your imperfection did not, could not have led to your being abused, somewhere inside you do probably believe that it wouldn't have happened to a good girl. Of course it would. That's the devil of it.

Back to the boil metaphor: it seems to be a part of you but it isn't the real you. It's caused by a poison that doesn't belong there. This, hopefully, your therapist will help you to clean out. No wonder you want your hand held, though, cos it does hurt. I don't know about you, but I never grow out of needing a hug sometimes.

got to go out now, need to build myself up to being the "mummy"
feel sick but it will get better.. I know it will it has to

It has been a long time since I last posted,
am having a confusing time with my sessions, I can't seem to get to grips with how I am supposed to do this,
I have been encouraged to observe the goings on in my head whilst trying to stay aware that I am actually here and safe, but I can't seem to get out of it in my head without being absorbed by the memory first.
I can explain things I can try to stay on the outside, but if I do that the memory runs its course in real time and I can't get out of it.

I have practised getting out if I have been absorbed and am now quite good at getting myself to my safe place. But I just can't seem to get my whole self safe without being absorbed.

Not sure if that makes any sense at all.

I want to cry I am exhausted of feeling fight or flighty all the time.

am hiding downstairs.
so am going to use this as a way of doing my homework set by my lady.
so to observe,
my calves are tight, and the backs of my arms feel like ice feel like they want to keep as close to my body as they can, my mouth is dry and I feel like there is someone sitting on my chest. staying as still as possible feels good however it feels liberating to be moving my fingers and getting this down. It has gripped part of me but is not absorbing all of me.
feel on the edge of tears but holding back - can't let it happen, part of my head is there part is here,I am in no danger here just need to stay here and not get swept into it. finding it arder and ahrder but concentrating on the words in my head appearing on the screen is keeping part of my head busy.
palpatations - feels like my heart has hiccups.
got cramp in the back of my leg can't move it but need to move it.
starting to pass, Dh has just been in and kissed my head, the boys need me upstairs.
got to get it togehter..
ok going to move have moved legs
going to try to get upstairs.

That was courageous, Wannatalk. Well done

We all need techniques to help us cope with our fear of the memories. I imagined I was watching them as a black-and-white movie at the cinema. Your method is better, I think, because it keeps your body in the here-and-now. You did great.

Nice that you got a kiss!

thanks IGA,
have felt ok today, going out for a coffee with a friend tonight - it is good - she does alot of talking so I am able to be out without having to say much. That said I can feel my heart pumping harder just thinking about it.

Am sat here alone with my feelings, it isn't a good place to be.
so I am going to try to write and be analytical like i was the other day.

my heart is going too fast and I can not feel it in my chest but in my throat like the pulsing is blocking my airway and making it hard to breathe, it feels like if it gets any biger I wont be able to breathe at all.

my arms are tight clamped from shoulder to elbow against my body and at the moment moving my fingers feels like I am moving too much, but I think I should keep goign with this because it is keeping at least part of my head here.

wierd, cooker timer has gone off to tell me I need to empty the washing machine, and it has relaxed me somewhat, my arms are less tight and I feel less trapped.
Must remember to mention that on Monday.

Good for you. I really respect what you're doing, Wannatalk. Just wanted to let you know! x

bugger, am having a shit evening.
I feel it has defeated me.
I have lost my fight, had a hard day with the boys and feel like I just can't do it all any more.

I am not going to do anything stupid, but this is such a horrid feeling. I have emergency diazepam upstairs and am trying to work out if taking one would prove that I have failed- that it has defeated me or it will just provide me with a little break/distance from everything.

feel sick

If taking one gives you some respite on the hard path forward, it doesn't sound like a failure.

Admire your strength.

now I have had a row with DH, great, things go from bad to worse

hi wannatalk i sort of know you under another name and want to say i feel for you and understand.
i had ptsd and felt just as you do and my experience with my counsellor was that it was too much for me..i had to go very very slowly and if i revealed too much i went into panic and shutdown.
i read somewhere that for sensitive people having counselling can increase the trauma as you relive it again and it can be difficult.
i found that speaking the unspeakable eventually enabled me to process and organise the memories and leave them behind.
you have to really trust your counsellor and she has to be intelligent enough to understand your boundaries.

you don't owe your counsellor or dh anything..this is for you.

also only the nicest most intelligent and sensitive people get as hurt as this..i really believe that.

you will get better and wishing you calm and strength