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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

talked in depth to therapist about stuff

87 replies

wannatalk · 05/01/2010 18:27

now feeling very exposed.

we have talked in general for the last 18 months about sexual abuse, I have PTSD, had an episode whilst with her and talked in more detail about the experience I was trapped in.

I told her things I haven't told anyone, shared with her extreme detail of one part of an horrific experience, I am embarrassed to have told her such explicit sexual detail.
DH home got to go, BBL

OP posts:

biggulp · 07/01/2010 20:26

great email. whether you send it or not, you know what you need to get across to her, whether like this or in person. she will help you with this.

Original poster

wannatalk · 07/01/2010 22:11

thanks Biggulp.

I have sent it this evening

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Original poster

wannatalk · 08/01/2010 10:18

lovely response from her this morning.

had really bad panics this morning, hope it wears off.

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peanutbrittle · 08/01/2010 10:18

that sounds like a good move - she will understand your concerns and you'll feel better having aired them...good luck in getting over the weekend now and try not to focus too much on Monday's appointment...

Anniegetyourgun · 08/01/2010 10:37

It's like lancing a boil, isn't it. There's all this horrid stuff inside, this infection, and you won't get better till it comes out. You can't bear to look at it because it's so nasty. The nurse has to see it so she can clean it up, but don't worry, she's not squeamish, she's very well trained and she's seen boils like this before and no doubt will see them again. It does hurt, but it has to be dealt with or it will just fester and get worse. You may know that, but it still takes courage to present yourself for the treatment.

Sorry if that's a bit flippant

Original poster

wannatalk · 08/01/2010 11:12

not flippant... perfect way of describing what I am currently going through

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Original poster

wannatalk · 09/01/2010 16:25

just want to put some things down,
not expecting responses trying to get myself together before Monday.
I haven't shared intimate details with anyone, I am now having to deal with a hang over from asking for help at the time and being told that it was "gods will" and "to see the funny side of it"
I guess part of my anxiety is now that I am setting myself up for being humiliated again.

One of my problems is I want to know what she really thinks rather than her professional opinion, and I know that professionally she is going to support me, my feeling is that inside she will believe I am a silly little girl. And sadly it does matter to me what she really thinks.

I have got through this before when we talked about things in general when we first started meeting ad I hope I can get past this again.

Just need to get through a day tomorrow with some people who make me feel uncomfortable then it is monday again

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 09/01/2010 18:00

One of the most horrible side effects of an experience like yours is that you are left feeling completely diminished as a person, that you can't and shouldn't even take yourself seriously ('see the funny side of it' ) and that you're not worthy of anyone else's care or attention or sympathy. You feel erased, in a way -- 'God's will' is a phrase that leaves a victim feeling they have been rolled over by a tank, because there's no comeback or defence to it. You lose your personhood, your abuser becomes an actor in a god-ordained drama, even your right to anger is taken away.

It's not sad at all that you mind what she really thinks it's very hard to trust anyone's sincerity when you've been devalued so much by those who should have supported you. Your therapy is all about you, every feeling or thought or observation you have, every feeling or thought or observation you have about those feelings or thoughts or observations the whole process is about you, and this is what the therapist is there for -- to listen to you and care about you and try to help, even if only to show that you deserve that listening ear and to be taken seriously.

Good luck tomorrow, I hope it goes ok, and best wishes for Monday too.

Original poster

wannatalk · 09/01/2010 18:38

May I ask MA, how do you have such an insight to this, do you work in the area or have experience? You seem to be able to hit the nail on the head with some of the things that you post.

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mathanxiety · 09/01/2010 22:13

Have done a bit of therapy (horrible marriage to abusive man) and lots of reading even before the therapy (to convince myself I needed it, LOL) plus lots during and after suggested by therapist. I was very unsure going in that this was really what I needed and that 1) nobody would believe me 2) if believed, I would be judged about why I stayed -- would be considered a fool, asking for that kind of treatment, blah blah. Therapist had to remind me I was paying for her services and might as well get full value...

Hope anything I post can help, Wannatalk.

NicknameTaken · 10/01/2010 14:45

Wannatalk, the word coming to my mind when I read your last post is "validation" - your awful feelings at the time of the original event(s) were not validated, and so of course you'll feel massive anxiety that they won't be validated (sincerely) now. And that would feel pretty damn soul-destroying.

But you weren't a silly little girl. You were in agony and nobody listened or acknowledged or really let you feel it. And when it is finally, finally acknowledged - as it will be, not out of mere professionalism but because a child suffered deep pain and deserved much more compassion and love than she got - it really will feel like turning a corner. You will be free to feel compassion and anger on behalf of that little girl.

Obviously I'm a complete amateur in this area, and I shouldn't be telling you what your feelings will be - your feelings are your own and sorry, I'm not quite phrasing this right.

But yes, this is a scary and vulnerable and exposing place to be, but it is a necessary place to be and I want to offer you some unmumsnetty hugs and tell you you're doing fine.

HarlotOTara · 10/01/2010 17:11

Wannatalk,

I too was sexually abused as a child and can relate to moost of what you have said. I have had a lot of very helpful therapy and have also worked with young people who have been sexually abused as well.

The fear of exposing too much is such a common feeling and is to do with both shame about what has happened (how can your therapist possibly like someone like you) and the fear that exposure and vulnerability will mean that the therapist will hurt you in some way. These feelings aren't always conscious but may well be contributing to you feeling the way you are (at least in my experience they have). I am not saying that you are shameful by the way but I think shame is such a big part of those of us who have been abused (it is something I have struggled with and sometimes still do).

When I have felt as you have I have gone to therapy and said 'I don't want to be here because....', that has helped me to deal with the feelings that are so difficult.

Am writing in a rush so hope I make sense. Stick with the therapy, it is when it is feeling so difficult is when good work can be done. It is also quite usual to feel your therapist can't handle your stuff and will be wounded in turn. She will have supervision and hopefully have had her own therapy to be able to metaphorically hold your hand whilst you both deal with your pain.

Hope I am not sounding too bossy - it isn't my intention.

Original poster

wannatalk · 11/01/2010 09:05

Thank you for your very honest responses. It saddens me that there are so many other people who have had problems like this.

I am havign real trouble this morning, body is in full on fight or flight, haven't been able to make eye contact with DH because I just know I will burst into tears and find a reason not to go.
Bless him he has done the school run with DS1 I just have to drop DS2 at playgroup.

I can't go because I feel sick,
I can't go because I am scared
I can't go because I am too embarrassed

But I have to go because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

just a wibble, needed to get it out.

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curlyredhead · 11/01/2010 09:16

Sending you strength to get to your appointment.

JayDubs · 11/01/2010 09:24

Thinking of you this morning...

Original poster

wannatalk · 11/01/2010 12:26

am back, didn't go well.
I had just decided not to go in and she came out and asked if I would join her.
I just felt in such a panic for 3/4 of the meeting that we barely said a word
we talked a little at the end once I calmed down, but didn't feel able to take my coat or hat off.

I am going to go back next week. just need to sort myself out a bit.

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JayDubs · 11/01/2010 12:39

You did very well to go today given how you were feeling. That took a lot of courage. And you went in and you did talk a bit at the end. You're getting there - one step at a time.

mathanxiety · 11/01/2010 16:36

Very brave, Wannatalk well done. It really is a matter of little steps, and even if you don't talk, thinking and feeling are huge. Be kind to yourself in your thoughts and in your heart and don't be judgey there's no pass or fail at this, no finish line, nobody is measuring your performance. Do it in your own good time and on your terms.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 11/01/2010 17:10

don't feel brave, just feel the need to crawl into a hole and not return for a while.

NicknameTaken · 12/01/2010 10:17

I think you did well just to turn up. Baby steps are fine.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 11:11

Well done for turning up yesterday. It's a cliche, but you aren't brave if you aren't afraid; courage is about feeling fear but still doing what you have to do. Next week will be easier, as you gain a bit of distance from that first time you felt you'd said too much.

To add to what Mathanxiety and Nicknametaken so rightly said, I am sure that the lack of support after the event was actually worse for you, psychologically, than the abuse itself. Someone to put their arms round you and say yes, that was really horrible, I so wish I could have saved you from it. You would have had some very bad memories but you would also have faith that there were good people who loved you, and you would have got over it, more or less. It makes me want to cry for the little girl you used to be (and mind you, inside we are all the little child we used to be, along with everything else we have since become). The adults involved should have moved heaven and earth to make you feel secure and comfortable. They totally failed you, but left you feeling like the failure. It is so wrong, so wrong.

Your DH sounds like a star, btw.

JayDubs · 12/01/2010 11:57

I'm rather hesitating to write this as I feel you are very vulnerable at the moment.

One thing to bear in mind is that your abuser will have put a huge amount of effort into grooming you into thinking that there was nothing wrong with what they did to you. That's how they protect themselves.

The consequence of this is that it then feels very unsafe to reveal what has happened. It triggers a whole load of anxiety which exists deep down and comes from threats or perceived threats either to your safety or to that of your family.

It's a highly complex situation where the first steps are the most difficult.

Original poster

wannatalk · 12/01/2010 12:46

thanks for your responses
feeling a little more together today,
Jay thanks for your words, sadly it was very clear at the time that it was wrong, Annies comment about not having support has given me more long term personality issues about it.
Trust just isn't something that I ever do, I make it ver hard for DH to love me and yet he seems to
Jay, he didn't even feel the need to threaten me, he just told me to get out
I am trying to do small things today to make me feel that I am functioning, although I feel it is all fake and a lie, inside I feel so disgsuting

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Anniegetyourgun · 12/01/2010 12:58

Ooh - I hope I didn't hurt, I was trying to be supportive

Original poster

wannatalk · 12/01/2010 13:01

No worries at all annie, the thing is it did hurt but that isnot at all you. it is a reality. I did feel you were being supportive

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