talked in depth to therapist about stuff

[wannatalk]

now feeling very exposed.

we have talked in general for the last 18 months about sexual abuse, I have PTSD, had an episode whilst with her and talked in more detail about the experience I was trapped in.

I told her things I haven't told anyone, shared with her extreme detail of one part of an horrific experience, I am embarrassed to have told her such explicit sexual detail.
DH home got to go, BBL

Wannatalk, I don't know if you know, but counsellors all have "supervision" with another qualified counsellor, usually a more experienced one, with whom to are able to discuss their own reactions and feelings about their case load. This does not mean that they share details of their discussions with you, but means that they are able to work on difficult issues, without becoming burdened with the information.

how do I find out what the level of detail I should share with her

Love your duck plan, wannatalk! My Nice Granny used to call me "duck". So good luck, duck

biggulp speaks wisely.

Wannatalk, there are no 'should's about what to share. Her job is to hear what you're sharing. So, share what feels right, when it feels right. You're safe there. No pressure, no requirements, just listening for when you want to say something.

By all means email her, with any of your concerns. It's safe.

By testing, wannatalk.

The question you are really asking is how much detail you feel comfortable with sharing with her. And why you feel comfortable/uncomfortable.

If you come away feeling you didn't share enough, ask yourself why you didn't, and how you felt about that.

And if you come away feeling you shared too much, again, ask yourself why you feel that.

As biggulp suggested, this is about your feelings, your worries, about how much to tell people, about whether people are able to cope, will be safe, and things like that.

You can set your own pace, and you can use it to reflect back on what it tells you about how you manage your life and your relationships with the people in it.

thanks for all being so kind - starting to spiral - talking about this even in general can be a problem, need to go away and sort myself out.

okay

Mn'll be here if you want to talk again.

only natural, take care

Please be reassured that your therapist will know how hard this has been for you. The relationship you will have built up over the time you have been seeing her will mean she will be able to see it and will understand that you feel vulnerable and exposed right now.

It sounds as if you have shared some incredibly difficult stuff which was a very brave thing to do.

The therapists room is a safe place where you will not be judged at all.

Thanks JD
I feel such a combination of things, last night I just felt sick about the words that I said, keep getting palpitations and panicky each time I think about it, not the event - I am used to that - just that I have spoken the unspeakable.

I just want to add my support as well and say you have been really strong.

It's a weird thing about the panicky feeling after talking about details. I felt this too when I first started to talk to my therapist properly. I didn't realise it was a common reaction but I've read about it several times since then.

I found that first session when I actually said details of what happened was the hardest and after that it got very slightly easier than more easy as time went on. I had to force my voice to come out of my mouth and stared at the floor as I couldn't cope with Therapist looking at me, I wanted to hide and shrink away.

After saying the words once though, I found it slightly easier to say them again in the next session and add more detail. It feels really horrible but I really do think it is worth it to make yourself do it and I know I feel so much better about everything now when I didn't really believe anyone/anything could make much difference.

I think the reason it feels horrible is because of a sense of shame, but when you stop keeping it inside yourself and say it out loud and transfer the 'responsibility' for what happened from yourself and onto the people who actually did it you gradually stop feeling the shame. It wasn't your fault, it was the abuser/s' fault.

Speaking the unspeakable is the first (enormous) step towards healing. Your therapist will not reject you for what you have said and will in fact admire your courage.

It's no wonder you feel turmoil. This is very personal to you and you have pushed it down for years (it sounds like). You have done incredibly well to begin to bring it out into the open.

wannatalk just wanted to add my support to all the others here - I think you are being extremely brave and that you should definately continue with the therapeutic relationship at this stage, it sounds like it is really going in the right direction, that you have found someone you can trust and will be able to trust further once you negotiate this (and the next, and the one after that, let's be honest, there are likely to be many) hurdle.

In terms of your worries about burdening the therapist I just wanted to say as a first year student of counselling/psychotherapy that a large part of a therapists training from day one is about strengthening themselves to be able to act as a safe "container" (is how one tutor describes it to us) for the client's issues. It really is the biggest part of the decent therapists toolset if you like. Also therapists are expected to have regular therapy themselves so that if any issues are lingering they can deal with them safely, and indeed many therapists and psychologists I know go on regular "down time" retreats and the like to strengthen their ability to "hold" for others. Early on I had a conversation on one of these retreats with a woman who was dealing with many issues from clients (no details deivulged - I just knew generically her area of work) and I asked her how she coped with it, did it not really burden her, and her response was very clear, she felt heartened that these clients were getting to a place where they felt able to address their issues in a safe environment and felt very VERY positive about her role in enabling that. Your therapist might be very gentle but I suspect underneath that gentle soft exterior there may well be a tower of strength.

I wish you the continued strength to keep going with this.

Good post peanutbrittle.

Thanks for all your kind words, I do worry about the things I am telling her, but you are right, she is an older lady with many many years experience.

I am going to email her with some snippets of the things that I have written here to give her a warning about the things I am wibbling about.

I had no idea how hard this was going to be.

feeling a little less edgy today, but knowing that someone else knows a little of what went on still makes me nervous.

yes, would definately email her - it'll hopefully make you feel more able to broach the issues in more depth when you see her next - she sounds great by the way - and you sound like you'll get through this with her support

good luck

thanks peanutbrittle(brilliant name BTW)

ah well y'see its genesis was as follows: peanut - me feeling particularly mad/insane (ahem, nutty) and brittle - being about ready to break/be able to go on no more...[having needed/gained from therapy myself in the past and presently being the catalyst for me deciding to think about training in the area]

best of luck - you sound in a good place (considering) and like you will get through this with the right help...thinking of you...

Now that's interesting. I always think of peanutbrittle as being delicious and strong with a great bite! It's a name that just keeps on giving

sweet too but rots your teeth

tis about as complicated and conflicted as I am on occasion

I think that's why its stuck!

hope you're ok wannatalk - when is the neext session?

Try to muster up the courage to tell the therapist what you feel about approaching the next meeting. How you feel is important, and how you feel about your feelings is important.

Nothing you ever say will be judged; talking is like unlocking chains sometimes and you feel like someone who is spilling out all over the place instead of 'safely' contained but a therapist is there to listen, to provide a safe place for you to hear yourself, to support the development of your own voice. There are no taboos in therapy if you feel there are, you should mention it.

I know MA that the taboos are in my head, not having a great evening. Next meeting is Monday .

Ok so I have writen this email to her not sent yet.

Dear *&^
before we meet next week I just feel I need to let you know that I feel that I have spoken detail that I should not have during our meeting, I am feeling uncomfortable and exposed about the explicit nature of what I was experiencing on Monday and that I shared.

You mentioned about him triggering my gag reflex made me aware that you were getting an insight into what we have spoken of mainly in general, I am concerned to have shared this with you. And then I am concerned about my feelings about this because as you are aware this isn;t the worst thing that happened and if I get this anxious about talking about this then how on earth am I going to progress past the other things?

I am putting all this down - not expecting anything from you - so that we can perhaps talk about it on Monday"

What do you think?

That sounds very thorough and true, wannatalk. I think it puts your discomfort across, and hopefully the reasons for it can be explored. I think you're doing a great and brave job here. xxx

thanks MA.

I have no pattern as to which part of the memory I get trapped in, there is just no knowing where I am going to be, so If I can get this bit dealt with I guess that takes one bit off the hit list IYKWIM