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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband signed up to dating website

183 replies

ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:09

I've name changed as I post a bit in other topics and don't really want mumsnetters or people in RL to know about this.

I found out at the weekend that my husband has joined an online dating website, specifically looking for sex. He says it was a stupid mistake, that he hadn't contacted anyone and he wasn't planning to.

But obviously even if that's true, I'm still pretty gutted, although am feeling a bit detached and unemotional right now.

I have held my hands up and said I'm partly responsible for this, as our relationship has been very up and down and sex life pretty sporadic since we had our 20-month-old ds.

What do I do now? I have no idea how to move on from this. I don't feel I can tell RL friends as I don't want them to hate my husband. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Undertone · 04/01/2010 15:10

How horrendous! Has he cancelled his membership now you've confronted him about it?

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:11

Yes, I asked him to cancel it in front of me.

OP posts:
FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 15:11

What is it that you want to do? No one can tell you this, you know what your options are. It doesn't matter that he didn't meet up, it doesn't matter that he says he "wasn't planning to", why join in the first place?

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2010 15:12

yes,my ex did this too.

dont believe the rubbish about not meaning it etc etc...that is EXACTLY what they sign up for

and dont blame yourself either,nothing to do with lack of anything at home!!

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:13

I just want my marriage to work. I want to have fun like we used to. I thought things were getting back on track, but now the last thing I want to do is have sex with him

OP posts:
SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 04/01/2010 15:13

It is possible that he signed up in a bout of resentment and self-pity, not really intending to go through with it. Have you been discussing the lack of sex in your marriage or have you been putting off even discussing it? Please bear in mind that looking on a website can feel like a safe and harmless way of exploring possibilities and is not in itself the same as actually having physical sex with another person.
It's also possible that he left this evidence for you to find in order to provoke a discussion about the lack of sex.
Basically, what he did isn;t great but that doesn;t mean you've no option but to kick him out and chance the locks - you need to have a proper talk about how you both feel (is your loss of interest in sex due to him not doing anything round the house by any chance?) and what you want to change in your life and family.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/01/2010 15:14

Sorry but I don't see how you are partly to blame for this. Just because a relationship has ups and downs does not give one partner carte blanche to seek sex on a dating site.

How did you find out?

DuelingFanjo · 04/01/2010 15:14

this is not your fault.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:18

SolidGold - you always talk sense Actually we had been talking and he had started to do a lot more around the house which made a massive difference to how I felt. But both ill at different points in December so sex didn't really happen much. The fact that I thought things were getting back on track makes this even more gutted.

BelleDame - he was shifty about me opening a bank statement, when normally I handle all the finances. So I looked at it while he was in bed and there was a payment to the website on there. I actually apologised for snooping as I thought he would have a rational explanation - a sister company with business networking or something - that's how much I trusted him!

OP posts:
Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:19

this even more gutting

OP posts:
lighthouse · 04/01/2010 15:20

This actually shows that he had intentions of cheating rather than sorting this out with you. Unforgivable in my mind.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:23

I appreciate that many of you will think this is unforgivable but I really want my marriage to work. What practical things can I do to get through this? At the moment I can't think about much else, can't sleep, am just staying up late cleaning (not normally something I enjoy) to take my mind off it.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 04/01/2010 15:27

I don't think it's unforgivable. I think it's reprehensible but not unsalvageable. If you both want it to work then I think that by having a full and frank discussion about what you both want from the relationship and how you see it progressing and then agreeing to work towards it (assuming you both want similar things) you can get things back on track. If you are the only one working at it, however, this is not going to work.

You need to be absolutely certain that you are working towards the same goals and, also, it sounds as if he needs to be a little more understanding about just how important sex isn't sometimes!

lighthouse · 04/01/2010 15:29

I am one for talking things through, think you need to have complete honesty here in the relationship and unguarded access to everything shared.

My DH have access to both e-mail accounts bills no secrets and a totally honest and open relationship, he needs to understand just how bad this is, so don't let him get away with it.

Also try and make time for each other, intimate time and social time. Difficult with kids I know, but your relationship needs attention too. Clearly there are problems that need sorting out and a talk needs to be had.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:34

Thanks BelleDame and lighthouse. We have been doing a lot of talking, but he's having a bit of a pity party to be honest, "I'm really sorry I've hurt you, sob" and that just isn't really doing it for me right now. I'm feeling pretty cold and hard.

I'm wondering whether to confide in a friend, as don't think I can get through this otherwise. But do you think it is a friendship killer - would they ever look at him in the same way?

OP posts:
FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 15:37

Have you thought of going to relate? This way you can discuss it and there's no need to involve friends.

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/01/2010 15:37

I think it depends on your friends really. If this were me, I'd take same stance in RL as I have done on here. No-one really has any right to be judge-y if you've decided you want to work things out. I always think that no-one knows what goes on in a relationship except for the people in it so I would do all I could to help a friend in this situation.

Now, if he were violent or abusive and you were my friend I'd probably wait for a dark night and hit him on the head with a shovel but I'm a bit over-loyal like that!!

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:39

He's supposed to be calling Relate today. Am fully expecting him to "forget" though so we'll see. Apparently there is quite a waiting list round here and I don't think I can wait weeks to discuss this with a real human being.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:40

Ha ha Belle Dame, I like the shovel idea He's not violent or abusive, just farkin stupid.

OP posts:
lighthouse · 04/01/2010 15:43

How old are you guys if you don't mind me asking

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2010 15:43

wouldnt involve friends with this

how much was the joining fee? he paid it,and that to me signals he wanted to go ahead with something.....makes me wonder what OTHER things he has joined/answered. these bloody ads are everywhere!! i'd firstly,send him off to a clinic to be checked....you have no idea what to believe at this moment.

accept this relationship has changed now forever...you'll never 100 per cent trust him again will you? i know from experience,even if you WANT to put it behind you,you still look extra hard for more evidence,even years down the line

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 16:02

We're in our thirties.

It was £65. Bit angry about the cost actually as we're pretty skint.

OP posts:
hbfac · 04/01/2010 16:04

Insist he books the Relate session. And if he doesn't by, say tomorrow evening, go ahead and book it yourself. Don't worry about the waiting list.

Do you not have anyone you could talk about this with in RL? It is tricky, people go to Relate because they need an objective third party, who is trained in objectivity. Friends are different. They have a relationship with you and a standpoint that comes with that. They are also friends, not counsellors, so when you ask them about stuff, they will offer an opinion, not an objective space for discussion.

Opinions are all very well when what you want is a range of those, to get a handle on where you stand on something, but I'm guessing you're not in a place to do lots of sifting and juggling and defending and nuanced stuff in RL right now.

But on the other hand, this is a shock, and I should imagine just talking it through the two of you will mean going round in circles, and keeping silent is ... not a great feeling.

LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 16:06

£65?! That's a very expensive site! Most of them are much cheaper than that and there are a lot of free ones too. Was this a special interests site or something?

What do you want to happen? Can you sit down with him and have a calm and frank discussion about why he did it or have you done that and not got beyond his pity party?

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 16:08

OMG! £65!! What site was it? This is too much, most are £35 or something. It sounds like he's subscribed for longer then a month, there's a real intent here.

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