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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband signed up to dating website

183 replies

ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:09

I've name changed as I post a bit in other topics and don't really want mumsnetters or people in RL to know about this.

I found out at the weekend that my husband has joined an online dating website, specifically looking for sex. He says it was a stupid mistake, that he hadn't contacted anyone and he wasn't planning to.

But obviously even if that's true, I'm still pretty gutted, although am feeling a bit detached and unemotional right now.

I have held my hands up and said I'm partly responsible for this, as our relationship has been very up and down and sex life pretty sporadic since we had our 20-month-old ds.

What do I do now? I have no idea how to move on from this. I don't feel I can tell RL friends as I don't want them to hate my husband. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/01/2010 20:40

force herself??

hope you don't plan anymore dc then if thats going to be the only way to make him stay faithful! great solution...

LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 20:42

What would make you turn down sex with your husband out of interest Bonsoir? What would he have to do to make you feel that you didn't want to grit your teeth and pretend to be enjoying yourself even though you felt like clocking him over the head with a frying pan? You sound like a surrendered wife sometimes

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 20:42

and FWIW, I don't think what he did is an absolute dealbreaker

but I would find it very, very unsettling and worrying

and I don't blame you for not particularly wanting to shag him

Malificence · 04/01/2010 20:43

Yes, prostituting herself to keep her husband from straying will help enormously .

He should be prostrate at her feet, begging forgiveness.

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 20:44

OMG! I can't believe you wrote that Bonsoir!!

You shouldn't have to force yourself to have sex with your husband, as for the "you will enjoy it when you get going", how insensitive and seedy, this is something I'd expect a pimp to say, I'm disgusted that someone could write this as advice. Shame on you!

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 20:47

fluffy, it wouldn't be the first time

the sad thing is, she really means it

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 20:51

Wow! Stepford wife!!

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 04/01/2010 20:53

Yes, £65 is a lot of money but it is quite easy to make errors like this on line (particularly if a bit pissed and a bit cross and you think you can retrieve the error later). I think Nananina gives good advice and that you'd be best off disregarding the predictable monogamist shrieking about how violence in these circumstances is not only justifiable but funny - a most unhealthy mindset.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 04/01/2010 20:58

Quite a lot of people (irrespective of gender) in longterm monogamous couples sometimes have sex when their partner is more enthusiastic than they are at the start, and quite a lot of these people report that once they get going they do find it pleasurable, and also that it is too easy to kind of forget about having sex if you are preoccupied and you have a lower libido than your partner.
This can work - however, for it to work well, both partners have to have genuine fondness and respect for each other, and to be free of any lingering or deepseated resentments (forcing yourself to have sex to shut up a complaining partner who shows you no consideration, for instance, is not going to make the relationship any better whereas thinking 'Oh why not, there's nothing on telly and s/he is a wonderful partner really' is a different matter).

LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 21:13

I agree entirely SGB. I have tried at times to make myself get into the mood because I've known my partner was keen and I couldn't be arsed. But that's a whole different ball game to feeling that you are not sure what footing your relationship is on and having sex with your partner anyway. There's make up sex of course but that's an entirely different kettle of fish.

I don't think you should throw a big hissy fit about this either fwiw OP. But I do think some straight talking is in order. As in, no blame, cards on the table, honest discussion. This might be a really good thing for your relationship in some ways - it might be the knocking the scab off that it needs. But unless you talk, you're not going to know.

Good luck - I really hope you resolve things. And I think writing things down is a v good idea. At the very least, it will give you control and ownership of something.

Lulumama · 04/01/2010 21:25

agree that the relationship has reached this point for a reason, but that does not excuse his behavoiour, though i'm sure that under the stress of everything and feeling rejected, teh H has found it far easier to join an internet dating site than talking to his W and trying to initiate dialogue to sort it out

i doubt the OP will be able to 'force' herself to have sex with her H after this breach of trust

surely there has to be some work done to make her feel like wanting to be intimate

esp. if he has bene unfaithful, i'd want a full clean bill of sexual health before i'd go back into the marital bed

lack of sex in the marriage is usually a symptom of something, but lying back and thinking of england is hardly the healthiest way to tackle it and nor is joining a dating site

Malificence · 04/01/2010 21:28

Oh do go and fuck yourself SGB - I'm really not in the mood for your rantings.

I was joking with my grave digging comment - the ground is far too hard at the moment.

Only the terminally stupid would input their credit card details to such a site without realising the implications.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 21:33

mal, I hope your DH gives you a good rogering soon, or you are going to explode

LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 21:35

anyfucker

SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 04/01/2010 21:44

This is a shite situation for you OP but in this case, it sounds like a big wake up call. Benefit of the doubt.

Maybe it is a chance to say "right, what has happened here, what can we do to get the old mojo back".

Am NOT saying that OP should hump her DH in exchange for him setting himself up on a no strings sex site and am NOT condoning what he did, bloody idiot that he is.......just that nothing physical has happened. It's time for deep down honesty and an agreement to do whatever it takes not to be heading into this type of situation again.

Just for the record, I'd be mighty pissed off too in your shoes OP. I'd be pissed that he never came and talked to me, but instead, took the step that he did. That is what he has to understand, that in future, no more messy secrets!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 04/01/2010 21:45

I think Bonsoir's comments are silly. Since when should you judge how you react to things by looking at how much shit other people put up with? It's not a martyrdom competition. Where does it end? Everyone has their limits, or they should have.

To me, this isn't a dealbreaker but it's not a little nothing either. It's likely he wasn't planning to do anything about it, but it's still not a good sign, is it? And the money would piss me off too, fwiw. If you don't react to this at all, he is likely to think either:

  1. She isn't bothered...is this carte blanche for me to mess around in the future? There don't seem to be any consequences to it!

or

  1. She isn't bothered. She doesn't care. (self-pity, hmm might as well shag someone else then)

I think you should ask him why he did it and have a proper conversation, listening to what he says. I would be quite cold about it too, and leave him in some doubt as to how I'm going to react for a couple of days before relenting...

PollyTechnique · 04/01/2010 21:55

OP, so sorry this is happening to you.

Could your husband approach the dating site and explain that he pressed the wrong button (he didn't intend to spend £65) and shortly afterwards cancelled his membership (assuming it was shortly afterwards?), and then ask for a full or partial refund?

Aside from getting your money back, it would perhaps expose whether/how he has actually used the site.

His reaction to you asking him to do this might be quite revealing, i.e. panic at you finding out what really happened. Or if he calmly agrees, that might be positive to see.

All the best.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 22:15

Bonsoir - I realise you weren't saying I should forget about it - sorry, poor sentence construction on my part.

Me "gritting my teeth" and having sex with him is not the answer - that's kind of how we got where we are. He's very perceptive and can tell when my heart's not in it. Besides, he has acknowledged that if the tables were turned, he wouldn't really want to have sex right now either.

It's ironic because our sex life had started to get back on track before I found out about the website.

Thanks, Polly, but there was a few weeks between him signing up and me finding out. I'm over the money, to be honest, it just added insult to injury when I found out.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 22:16

AnyFucker - you're right, I would feel used

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:16

how have things been this evening, shocked ?

GypsyMoth · 04/01/2010 22:19

i think polly meant calling his bluff and suggesting it anyway may reveal the true extent of this deceit.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 22:20

We haven't talked about it. After two nights of lengthy conversations about it I need a night off. But I have committed him to cooking dinner two nights this week. I think dividing the labour up a bit more fairly is a step in the right direction to improve our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 22:27

I'm also doing the writing thing. Trying to get things clear in my head.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 22:30

keep posting if it helps, love

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 05/01/2010 00:58

Well I decided I wasn't going to be able to sleep unless we talked some more, and I think we've really made some progress. Hard to explain but I feel like we've both been more honest about how we're feeling.

Also, I registered on the website and had a good look around. The payment page is actually really clever and makes it look as if you are going to be paying £10.82 per month, rather than the full £64.99 up front. DH does have previous for falling for clever marketing so now I do believe that he only meant to sign up for one month.

Thanks for all the supportive posts. I think you may all have saved me from having to tell a RL friend. Not sure any of my friends would be able to resist judging him (and me for thinking it's not a dealbreaker).

OP posts: