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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband signed up to dating website

183 replies

ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 15:09

I've name changed as I post a bit in other topics and don't really want mumsnetters or people in RL to know about this.

I found out at the weekend that my husband has joined an online dating website, specifically looking for sex. He says it was a stupid mistake, that he hadn't contacted anyone and he wasn't planning to.

But obviously even if that's true, I'm still pretty gutted, although am feeling a bit detached and unemotional right now.

I have held my hands up and said I'm partly responsible for this, as our relationship has been very up and down and sex life pretty sporadic since we had our 20-month-old ds.

What do I do now? I have no idea how to move on from this. I don't feel I can tell RL friends as I don't want them to hate my husband. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 04/01/2010 16:53

you don't always have to be flip, anna. this is someone's real problem.

Ivykaty44 · 04/01/2010 16:58

This dating website - was it for a relationship or purely sex?

See in the old days a man would have paid for sex at the local or not so local house of ilrepute.

nowerdays though they go on websites and get caught.

I would be more conserned if he was looking for a relationship else where - that is the end.

Looking for sex as a man you can work on this and possibly get it back together.

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 17:02

How do you know that he was after sex? Not all people that join dating sites are after a quick shag you know

nigglewiggle · 04/01/2010 17:11

Just being even more suspicious here - is there any possibility he did this intending to be caught so that he could guilt-trip you into having sex more often?

CarmenTinselPalmTreesSanDiego · 04/01/2010 17:24

What else are married people that join dating sites after? If it's NOT a quick shag and they're actually after a relationship, that's worse, I would think.

If he was after someone to play bridge with, he'd have joined a FREE group on Meetup or something.

I might have suggested he was just doing it for the thrill of browsing and 'what if' but 65 quid is a huge amount of money for a month's membership to such a site. You wouldnt pay that unless you were serious, sadly.

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 04/01/2010 17:27

True, I see your point Carmen, it is far cheaper to go out on the lash and hook up with someone in a night club though.

Lulumama · 04/01/2010 17:31

i think joining a dating site, whether you want friends/sex/to play bridge.. when you are married is odd and wrong.

purplepeony · 04/01/2010 17:32

It might help you to know that acccording to some figures I heard recently, 30% of all people on dating sites are actually married.

I think a lot of them are just looking.

He is probably feeling neglected and wanted to see what was out there- if he chose to do anything abut it.

I haven't read all the posts here, but I'd suggest you talk it over. Is it possible that you have become "baby-absorbed" and he feels rejected?

This is not your fault- it's how some guys react to fatherhood.

However, if you have mis-matched libidos, then you need to talk and do something about it.

purplepeony · 04/01/2010 17:40

where does it say it was £65 for a month? Match is £65(or £60?) a year- so I am told.

LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 18:45

Match is about £60 for six months. But they don't force you to sign up for that long - I think it's £20 for a month so it does seem better value I guess.

Anyway, this discussion is in no way helping the OP so I'll shut up now

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 19:13

It was for six months, but he says he only meant to sign up for one month but did something wrong

He says he only filled in the basics and was going to go back to it. From what I saw he didn't even have a picture on it. To be honest emotions were high and I was a bit hasty in making him cancel it, so I'm not exactly sure what was on there.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/01/2010 19:16

he seems to make alot of 'mstakes' doesn't he?

Lulumama · 04/01/2010 19:23

at the heart of it, he has joined a dating site and lied to you

whether he met anyone or not, whether he paid or not, whether he meant to join for 6 months or not, what is not in dispute is, he joined a dating site and he is married

how you move beyond that is down to you and him, whether you can trust again, whether you think he has done it before or will do it again and atke it further.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 19:25

It was called a "dating" site but the emphasis clearly on no strings "fun".

To put the money in perspective, £65 is what I have to spend on the weekly household shop. We rarely buy new clothes. I buy clothes for ds on eBay. We agreed to spend no more than £20 on each other at Christmas so there would be more money available for ds and other family members. This is the first year we have been able to afford a holiday in years- one week on a UK campsite-and we agonised over whether we should go away when there are so many things we need to save for- new boiler, new car, various essential household repairs... £65 is a LOT.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 04/01/2010 19:39

sex site or dating site, or whatever... it is still not in keeping with monogamy/fidelity

are you crosser about the money or the joining or both>

how do you want to move forward?

is he sorry? is he sorry he was caught?

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 19:44

I'm more cross about the joining than the money.

I wish I had BonsoirAnna's attitude, a part of me wants to just forget about it. But then aren't I condoning his behaviour?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 04/01/2010 19:46

don't worry about trying to be blasé about it, however you are feeling about this, is right for you

i hope you can move forward, especially if you both want to fix this.

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 19:46

He is sorry. Really sorry. But also does think this has happened because of problems in our relationship.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 04/01/2010 19:47

Well you are perfectly entitled to forget about it of course if that's what you want to do. But I can't help thinking that it would be brushing the obvious problems in your relationship under the carpet. And that actually if you felt that you were taking steps together (like planning time away, booking babysitters) to try and repair your relationship and he, meanwhile, is joining a shagging website, then there clearly is a big disconnect in terms of what you are both thinking about how you view your relationship. If you don't talk, honestly and openly, that is only going to get worse I suspect. Did he contact Relate incidentally?

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 19:54

I didn't mean I want to forget about all our problems, just about the website. I don't think I can just forget though, that's the problem.

He did phone but they were engaged all day. I guess the first Monday after Christmas is a busy time [ironic smile emoticon]

OP posts:
NanaNina · 04/01/2010 19:57

SBB - a mixture of opinions here and some (Malificence?) not helpful. I sometimes think some posters like to take a hardline about stuff life this to try to demonstrate their assertiveness, but I sometimes wonder about that. We are all vulnerable in relationships to a greater or lesser extent and have to cope with the frailities of the hunman condition.

You must do what is right for you SBB but FWIW I do wonder if your H did this in a reckless moment of madness - the internet makes things so much easier (just a few clicks) than RL stuff. I think you need to view this as a signal that you both need to enagage in exploration of your r/ship with a a 3rd party who will not "take sides" or be judgemental. Your H will know he has let you down and will no doubt be feeling guilty, but men especially often cover guilt with anger or some other emotion as that is easier to express.

I am not discounting your feelings of hurt but you say you want to save your r/ship and if you are to give this a good shot, your H needs to feel that he is not being blamed, as this will give the best chance of him "opening up" about the motives for his actions. This is the most important thing as when this is explored you may be able to move on. This will not be easy for him but I think you need to give him the opportunity and he of course needs to acknowledge the effect this has had on you. I think this is far more important than worrying about the money and how long he signed up for etc, none of which is going to lead you to a place where you might start to rebuild the trust and harmony in your r/ship.

Relate will be horrendously busy at this time of year but the sooner you get in touch the sooner you will get an appt. Is it entirely out of the quesion to pay for some counselling - usually around £50.00 per hour but may be worth it to save your r/ship if it's all possible.

Sending good wishes and hoping that you both can resolve matters.

hbfac · 04/01/2010 20:02

I'm sending you good wishes, too.

Just a thought - would writing help? I noticed another thread suggesting writing (though for other stuff) and it did remind me how therapeutic it can be. You could open a file on your computer and call it ... "shopping list", or something, and then just mull things over between you and the keyboard and the screen ... .

Original poster
ShockedBeyondBelief · 04/01/2010 20:25

Thanks NanaNina- a very articulate and sensible post. £50 is out of the question I'm afraid- we're running a tight ship right now thanks to the recession. Hbfac, yes writing is a great idea- I might try that later (it beats cleaning till the early hours).
Sorry if you've posted and I haven't answered directly- I'm reading and responding in between various houehold tasks.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/01/2010 20:32

I'm not telling you to forget about it, or to condone his behaviour. I'm just saying not to blow a (very) minor transgression out of all proportion and, in doing so, make it an insuperable mountain to overcome in your relationship when all it merits is to be taken as a wake-up call to put more energy into your relationship with your DH (and yes, forcing yourself a little to overcome your current aversion to sex with DH would be a very good idea! You will enjoy it when you get going).

There are some very pious posters on this way who let their overblown version of personal morality get in the way of common sense, IMVHO.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2010 20:37

shocked, I don't think you should force yourself to sleep with your husband in order to save your relationship

'cos that is crap and will make you feel very used (if you are anything like wot I am)

he was in the wrong and should be bending over backwards to make you feel better, not expecting a bunk-up through your gritted teeth

what a fucking horrible prospect

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