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Original poster

where have my morals gone?

87 replies

isitterrible · 03/01/2010 09:09

I seem to have lost my morals!

There is someone i really really like a lot. He is just amazing and we have a wonderful time together, but for various reasons its very on/off. Its been broken up by both of us, and the make up as been instigated by both of us... so its not just a ' using me for a shag type thing'

Anyway, for a while i have suspected that he has a gf. This would normally make me stop. But terribly i decided it didnt matter and i was going to go after what i wanted. I then chanaged my mind.. but from just before christmas i am seeing him again.

Have found out yesterday that he does have a gf. I dont know how long he has been seeing her, but i dont think its all that long... ( after i met him ) She lives 3 hours away and he sees her maybe once or twice a month.

So - im thinking hes still fair game... i know this is wrong ( realy wrong ) I also realise it makes me sound daft and very stupid so am prepared to be flamed.

BUT then i know that we have a truely excellent time... but then wonder, if hes having such a good time why is he seeing her....

hes a git isnt he????

OP posts:
SantaClausImWorthIt · 03/01/2010 09:11

As are you. Stop doing it. It's not good for your own self esteem and now there's someone else involved who is also going to get hurt.

Grow up and stop being selfish.

sarah293 · 03/01/2010 09:11

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Petitioner · 03/01/2010 09:23

Maybe she knows about you and is having the same dilemma? (but thinks he's using you whilst he cannot have her because of distance)

Meanwhile he's juggling at least two of you both and having a high old time. He will never be someone you can trust but maybe that is ok with you?

If it's not I'd think about your self esteem that makes you rationalise this relationship as ok?

purplepeony · 03/01/2010 09:27

if everyone is single, and you have not committed to seeing only each other, then what's the harm?

It is only an issue if you want a monogamous relationship and he doesn't- or voce versa - and you then see other people without telling the other person.

If you want him to see only you, then you are going to have to raise it as an issue.

ArizonaBarker · 03/01/2010 09:33

Bottom line is that he doesn't really like you.
If he did, you would be his girlfriend.

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 03/01/2010 09:36

Has he promised you that he is not seeing anyone else? Or has it been a case of 'don't ask, don't tell'? If it's the latter, then you are not doing anything wrong - it's a mistake to assume monogamy. Monogamy is not something you are entitled to just because you are having sex with a person, it has to be discussed if that's what you want.
Also, WRT to the other girl, the moral responsiblitity here is with him, not you. He has the option of (if he has offered her monogamy) sticking to it. But he may well have an equally casual relationship with her and she may be perfectly happy with that. Casual, non-exclusive relationships are not wrong or bad, or about 'being used'.

Original poster
isitterrible · 03/01/2010 09:37

interesting points - and you are all right. i know.

I dont know, if it was someone else i would be giving the same advice.

We have not committed to only seeing each other, as i said, its been really on and off... we have only been talking again just over a week. I think hes been seeing her since mid nov..... and until last week the last time i spoke to him was late nov. he broke it off this time. ( im guessing as he was seeing her)

It sounds terrible, but im not really THAT bothered at the momment, to be honest i expect it will be off again in a week or two ( probably me breaking it up this time) its kind of a pattern thats been happening since july when we met.

So i dont know if hes seeing her as its a bit more stable, or whatever....

i think i might just let it play its self out - whatever happens happens.........

OP posts:
Heqet · 03/01/2010 09:40

Agree with arizona. You are wanted for sex, but not for a relationship.

Actually, there's nothing wrong with that, if it suits you both!

You need an honest conversation.

This girlfriend who he only sees a couple of times a month may be another one of you - sex. Not a relationship at all. However, if he is making all that effort to see her, she obviously means something to him.

As long as everyone involved is honest, and is getting what they want, then it's up to you to sort out between you.

The only thing that would be wrong would be if anyone was being deceived. Or was doing something they didn't want to because they were hoping it would become something else.

If what you actually want is a relationship then keep your knickers on! Tell him that he has to decide what he wants, and when he has, give you a call.

But tbh, if you keep getting together and breaking up for various 'reasons' then have you considered that you are just not right for each other?

purplepeony · 03/01/2010 09:43

Maybe if he started seeing someone else, it was during one of the periods when you two were apart- you did say that you had ended it a few times. Interesting that you feel he is so great, yet you say you ended it a few times. Maybe he thinks you aren't that keen and he is cultivating another relationship in caase you drop him again?

It is therefore quite possible that he has got himself into a situation where he started that, and now can't get out of it- because he doesn't want to hurt her- or he doesn't want to tell/hurt you either.

How did you find out he had another girlfriend?

If you want it to be exclusive, to you, then you have to put your cards on the table and tell him. But it could well be that he is playing the field- and as you are all single consenting adults who have not made a promise to not see anyone else, that's not wrong.

Whether it is a situation you want, is another thing.

Original poster
isitterrible · 03/01/2010 09:43

solid - i do agree with you. He has not promised that at all. I have not mentioned it and neither has he.
Its an odd relationship..... had to explain.

I kind of think the moral responsibilty is with him. And i would say that he def more than likes me...... because why else would we keep ending up together.... we do live a way apart too, so its not just the sex. We spend hours and hours a day on the phone, if he didnt like me why would he do that? Why would he go after me if he didnt like me, what would he gain by that?

OP posts:
purplepeony · 03/01/2010 09:46

posted whilst you were posting!

TBH, you don't seem that keen yourself; if you suspect that you might end it again, as you have said, then what's the big deal?

I fail to see though how you can be so bothered over a guy if at the same time you are contemplating ending it "in a couple of weeks".

Sounds like you are both playing games, but you more than him- are you messing him about, or trying to show you aren't bothered as you want him to chase you?

sarah293 · 03/01/2010 09:47

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Heqet · 03/01/2010 09:52

I hope she will be disappointed if she's hoping for you, riven!

sarah293 · 03/01/2010 09:53

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Original poster
isitterrible · 03/01/2010 09:58

oh i am more than keen ( at the momment). I dont really want to go into any more detail for the reasons why it keeps ending. ( but its not arguments or anything bad )
We both end it, probably the same amount of times - for exacally the same reason.

We both end up together a few weeks later, for the same reason we broke up.

Confusing!

But, having just typed that, ive realised probably why hes seeing someone else...... he did say when we just got back together, that he was trying to forget about me and pretend he had never met me. But that he cant help himself and it bugs the shit out of him.

tbh i feel the same. i do sort of wish id never met him beacuse its changed everything....

and now, i have no idea of what to do.

and probably sound nuts

OP posts:
Original poster
isitterrible · 03/01/2010 10:01

ah riven... well you know... i was secretly hoping for you....

you know, i dont actually know what im hoping for. I really really dont. I do know it would probably be best if i walked away. But i also know that i cant do that.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 03/01/2010 10:01

It does sound nuts!
If you can't be open here about why you keep ending it, then it's all very confusing and hard to offer any advice.

I think YOU need to get your head sorted out.

How can you really like a guy, and keep ending it?
Are you commitment- shy yourself?

Does hehave annoying habits that you hate?

sorry but it all sounds a bit immature.

purplepeony · 03/01/2010 10:02

is he married?

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 03/01/2010 10:04

Is it a SHE rather than a he? Are you both scared of coming out of the closet together?

(maybe a long shot but I cannot see any other believable reason why seemingly grownups should behave in such an odd manner)

Original poster
isitterrible · 03/01/2010 10:07

no - no bad habits, not commitment shy at all.

like i said - hes great.

I do need to sort my head out, so does he. Which is why we keep finding ourselves in this stupid situation which neither of us knows what to do about.

I cant say i blame him seeing someone else... hey, i was seeing someone else too. ( trying to forget about him)

i really dont want to say, not because im embarassed at all, but because its rather outside the conventional and i dont think people would see past that, they would just comment on that rather than the rest.

OP posts:
Original poster
isitterrible · 03/01/2010 10:08

no - hes not married and def not a she! lol

OP posts:
sarah293 · 03/01/2010 10:10

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SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 03/01/2010 10:10

Yes this does sound a bit wierd - the fact taht you keep breaking up and wishing you'd never met each other. Are both of you a bit keen on daft adolescent dramatizing? So that if things are too quiet one of you will provoke a plate-smashing screeching row just so you can have the excitement of making up after it?
There are some people who are great for a shag and a laugh now and again but living with them would be hell - nothing wrong with just seeing them for a shag and a laugh in those circumstances. But unless you can give us some more of an indication of what the problem is, it gets hard to offer sensible advice.

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 03/01/2010 10:11

Well clearly then, if you dont have the power of conviction, and you are too scared of what people will say to stand by your feelings for him, forget about him.

To be totally honest, you come across as rather immature, are you 14?

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 03/01/2010 10:12

Hmm. THis suggesst to me that maybe he's a cross-dresser or more likely that it's a BDSM relationship and one or both of you is under pressure from mundanes to walk away from the evil nasty perverted stuff (kinky sex being another of those things that there is NOTHING wrong with as long as all participants enjoy it).

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