where have my morals gone?

[isitterrible]

I seem to have lost my morals!

There is someone i really really like a lot. He is just amazing and we have a wonderful time together, but for various reasons its very on/off. Its been broken up by both of us, and the make up as been instigated by both of us... so its not just a ' using me for a shag type thing'

Anyway, for a while i have suspected that he has a gf. This would normally make me stop. But terribly i decided it didnt matter and i was going to go after what i wanted. I then chanaged my mind.. but from just before christmas i am seeing him again.

Have found out yesterday that he does have a gf. I dont know how long he has been seeing her, but i dont think its all that long... ( after i met him ) She lives 3 hours away and he sees her maybe once or twice a month.

So - im thinking hes still fair game... i know this is wrong ( realy wrong ) I also realise it makes me sound daft and very stupid so am prepared to be flamed.

BUT then i know that we have a truely excellent time... but then wonder, if hes having such a good time why is he seeing her....

hes a git isnt he????

This is the 2nd post in 2 days from someone who wants help and won't actually tell us what the facts are, and still didn't 4 pages later!

Unless you can open up more and be grown up about your situation- and by that I mean sharing it- then there is little anyone can advise.

I can't think of any reasons anyone would want this stop-start rubbish unless you are feeling guilty/ashamed whatever over what's happening.

you know - i dont know.

I dont know if i could ever live with him, it would mean a total lifestyle change. ( no, its not swinging! )and chosing to live outside the 'normal'

No, its not teenage, he is quite serious most of the time. No screaming rows, certainly not for dramatic effect. In fact, we dont row - ever.

The problem, in his words is that we are too perfect for each other, in that it becomes dangerous. Because we push each other to the extream and it quickly escalates out of control.
I agree. it all becomes too much and one of us has to take our foot of the pedal.

But then it is that same reason why we keep coming back to each other.. because, noone else does the same. We both try and forget and be happy with whoever we are with ( I have i think seen about 4 men since ive met him) but, in the end, i know that the buzz with him is so much better.....
he knows it too. which is why he begged for me back.

its all rather stupid. as i said , kind of wish i had never met him as i cant see how there can be any sort of resolve.

Forget about HIS words. What is it in YOUR WORDS?

To me, it seems far from too perfect ....

And I still have no idea what the situation really is.

ok - solid, you have hit the nail on the head.

Its BDSM. Now i have no problem with that at all. Neither does he. But its at rather more of an extream level.

I have had other bdsm relationships... so has he. But nothing like this. Nothing like it at all.
When we split up last i was seeing someone else... who by all accounts was lovely. BUT having had what i had had- it was no comparision.

This is what is the problem.
Its the same for him, hes said it so many times. he knows ive seen a few other people, but has not said the same... its a sort of known but not mentioned thing.

So, solid... i know you are good with this sort of stuff.... what wouild you do?

You said...
The problem, in his words is that we are too perfect for each other, in that it becomes dangerous. Because we push each other to the extream and it quickly escalates out of control.

What on earth are you talking about- we are too perfect and it becomes "dangerous"? "We push each other to the extreme?"

sorry, but unless you stop talking in riddles or code, it's hopeless.

You sound a fruit cake. Do you have DCs?

in my words its the same... we literally think the same way.

Its too dangerous to be with him, but i cant stay away.

God, - i sound so daft.

Honestly, i just dont know what to do. I cant see a resolve to this and cant really talk about it with many people in rl as its just so weird. Noone else understands. Hell, if i wasnt that way inclinded i wouldnt understand either.

when you say "too dangerouns" do you mean that your BDSM games are bordering on life-threatening?

It sounds as if you are addicted to this kind of sex and you both need your fix- but at the same time you are also afraid of how far it might go.

I don't know what to advise, but there must be help lines for people like you who have an addiction to sexual practices that are life-threatening. Maybe not- SG will know.

I suppose the real test is- can you have conventional sex with this guy and still enjoy it/him? Does he/you have conventional sex with other people?
And is ther more to the relaionship that just this k ind of sex?

lol- i may as well be a fruitcake!

I bloody feel like one and have done from the second i met him.

i do realise how totally ridiclous it all is. i do,if i was reading this post i would think wtf.. or troll... or just 'weirdo'.

what i mean by dangerous..... i mean, normal bdsm activities taken to a rather more extream level.. all of the time. Fetishes, taken to an extream level.. all of the time. I dont know why but we seem to push each other way past any normal sensible boundaries.
We both realise this is not good. hence the constantly breaking up.
But then its too good, to not.

catch 22.

cant see a resolve.

It soounds to me as if you might be married? Is this why it keeps being on and off?

Know nothing about BDSM- but are there helplines?

If you are in danger of killing each other, then it's got to stop, just as if you were shooting up heroin.

Either stop seeing him, or see him but have less dangerous sex.

Belle- read the whole thread!

not bordering on life threatening... ive got dc's. nothing is worth that.

But, and we have spoken at lenght about this... neither of us know where are limits are. that in its self is a worry.

ha - ive never had conventional sex with him. I have had conventional sex with other people... and also non convential sex with others too.....nothing compares.

There is much more to the relationship that just this though. Like i said, hes amazing. Its just this is a huge problem.

And this thread has gone in a totally different direction to what it started off as. Thanks though, it does really help to get it off my chest and thanks for not judging.

But, if it is not life threatening, and you both enjoy it, why is it a problem?

On the surface, you would seem a really good match, especially if your relationship goes deeper than "just the sexual stuff".

PP when I posted there was ONE page - now a whole load of other stuff has appeared before my post.

Anyway, I'll use this emoticon for the first time as OP clearly doesn't want to stop or change really. Cheerio.

As I said- twice- help lines? Sexual conselling?

What's the issue? Either you keep this going and accept it's rough and dangerous sex, or you both back off and do it safely.

The limits are what you both enjoy. If you are not enjoying or it is too dangerous to enjoy, then you have to opt out.

I am sure you are both using your common sense over what is dangerous/ not dangerous. If you aren't well, you ought to be!

If you can't tell, then you need to find out but not when it's too late.

Ther eis absolutel y nothing wrong with what you are choosing to do, but if it's life-threatening there is-otherwsie, why is it an issue- unless you feel it wrong and feel guilty- maybe you do- is that why you woudn't say?

One of the posts here suggested you have an honest conversation with him. I can say with all conviction, that will never happen. He'll tell you what he wants to tell you and (maybe what you want to hear). You'll never have anything honest with him, conversation or otherwise.

But, if you're enjoying the drama and unpredictability of it all and aren't expecting this to last, or that you won't get hurt in any way, then go for it!!

it goes deeper than anything ever... and i was married for 10 years! lol.

if it was just the sex i could probably walk away. But its not. Its everything.

Quint - it is a problem beacuse while not life threatening, its still very much on the extream end of the spectrum. And, like i said, we both realise that it could get out of control very quickly.

belle - i would actually really value someone telling me how the hell i can sort this out. because for 6/7 months its been a hell of a rollercoaster and i dont know what to do.

But what do you mean "It could get out of control"?

Quite frankly if that means you m ight kill one another through your games, then the answer is obvious.

Out it another way- you are addicted to giving or receiving rough sex. That's fine. What's the issue?

i dont know what im expecting to happen, but i do know it will all end in tears. Mine. I am fully aware of this.

Purple, you give good advice. Thanks. I didnt want to say beacuse normally people automatically judge wrongly. beacuse its outside normal convention thats all.

no - i dont thikn it would ever go that far. But i do think that one day, he wont let me out. And id be trapped forever.....

and i cant really be trapped forever when i have dc's can i.

do you not trust him then? Surely BDSM only works (properly) if you trust the other participants and you know you can use safe word etc. Otherwise it would be too dangerous, I agree.

Agree- it's about boundaries and trust.

Maybe you need to have that conversation with him, if you haven't already?

Have only read the OP, but when dd you last have them? If you remember that and work from there, you should locate them in time. Hth.

Wrong thread Picture.

no - probably not wrong thread... that actually sort of makes sense! lol

So, im thinking that it is probaby time to call a stop to this madness ( beacuse that is what it is)

So, how do i do this... any ideas? Because when he calls or texts i have a total physical reaction to even just the beep of my phone. My pulse races, i start to sweat, i go a bit giddy...... my adrelin races. I have no doubt that it is excally this sort of reaction that gets me into trouble with him..... purple, i think you said, its an addiction. that sounds about right actually.

oh, and i do trust him... its just that he tells me one day he wont let me go...and i know that is true.
Not saying i wouldnt like to be trapped forever... i would, just not sure id make a very good parent being like that!