where have my morals gone?

[isitterrible]

I seem to have lost my morals!

There is someone i really really like a lot. He is just amazing and we have a wonderful time together, but for various reasons its very on/off. Its been broken up by both of us, and the make up as been instigated by both of us... so its not just a ' using me for a shag type thing'

Anyway, for a while i have suspected that he has a gf. This would normally make me stop. But terribly i decided it didnt matter and i was going to go after what i wanted. I then chanaged my mind.. but from just before christmas i am seeing him again.

Have found out yesterday that he does have a gf. I dont know how long he has been seeing her, but i dont think its all that long... ( after i met him ) She lives 3 hours away and he sees her maybe once or twice a month.

So - im thinking hes still fair game... i know this is wrong ( realy wrong ) I also realise it makes me sound daft and very stupid so am prepared to be flamed.

BUT then i know that we have a truely excellent time... but then wonder, if hes having such a good time why is he seeing her....

hes a git isnt he????

Warning - harsh post coming up..
Don't see at all what morals have got to do with it as far as the other gf is concerned unless you've been asked to lie and cover for him. Sounds like you are lying to yourself, and what is really getting to you is, how can he be getting it up for another woman when you want to believe that you are the only one who can give him the sex he neesd.

You sound rather proud of yourself, like you think you're different and special and what you do is more extreme than others. You might not be in the majority but there are still hundreds of thousands of people doing what you do, you're not so different. Why not try visualising very ordinary people doing what you're doing rather than endlessly watching "Secretary" and thinking you are those two good-looking, sexy people?

You sound very addicted on 2 fronts. Firstly - the physical pain, and yes, it is addictive because of the feel-good chemicals etc. it releases in the body and, much like self-harm, it overwhelms your cognition so that the physical takes over, which can provide great relief to some who don't want to/can't live with their painful thoughts and emotions. Secondly, there is a part of you I expect that subconsciously believes that being treated in this way means that you are loved. If you were practising bdsm in a mutual, safe, supportive relationship, then fine, but you are not and perhaps you might want to consider what it is about being treated roughly and dominated that makes you feel loved? Or is it something to do with the giving up control because life for you is quite a hard slog on your own and it's a massive relief to give away control?

I'm not saying that BDSM relationships are necessarily bad, some people find they give them relief and happiness but you don't sound anywhere near that place.

Im sorry auntie - but you have some miscoceptions there. The physical pain has nothing to do with people not being able to live with painful thoughts an emotions. NOT AT ALL. In fact, we dont practice much in the way of pain anyway.

I couldnt honestly tell you why i like being dominated. Its nothing to do with being loved or treated badly. Posts like yours are exacally why i didnt want to mention it in the first place, because it is so misunderstood and looked upon badly by people who dont know what they are talking about.

I am not proud of myself for being more extream that others... not at all. ( and im not more extream with everyone... in fact would probably refuse most things ) If you had read all of my posts you will see that i have broken it up with him so many times. beacuse i think its a BAD thing. Im sure it would be better for us both to settle for something a little bit easier....

And why on earth do i need to visualise ordinary people doing what we are doing? what would be to be gained from doing that? AND - at what point did i say i was thinking we are those good looking sexy people as you put it! HAHAHAHAHA. The fact is i think he is lush... but i know hes not to everyones tast. Im certainlyt no maggie gyllianhall.... but im not bad either. But thats besides the point.
I happen to like the film.. so i watch it quite often... no different that someone watching eastenders or something..

It doesnt bother me that hes seeing this girl - think ive said that as well. Which is why i originally posted. beacuse it should bother me. it doesnt. its of no consequence.

Auntie - see below... found these from msn chat we had in mid october.....

beacuse of course... i just want to belive i am special dont i!
( appolgies for mess of this posted, it doesnt copy very well of msn when you have to take the names/times out etc...)

'and in my own twisted way i very much give a shit about you' ( him )

'i dont know what to say to that...... '(me)

' and i might put you through hell, but its still loving '( him )

'but i do expect that its the same the other way round too..... '(me)

' you cant help yourself either' (him)

' its not hell.... its lovely, i lvoe it '(me)
' i know you do and im glad you do ' ( HIm)
' good ' ( me)

'i want your suffering to be beautiful ' ( HIm)

' not scared off yet?' ( Him)
' no' ( me)
' why would you think that' ( me)
@ i dunno im constantly amazed youre not' ( him)
' why ' ( me)
@ youre one in a billion ' ( him)
'lol - yeah thats me ' ( me)

'honestly, i do not think you are odd at all '
, not scared off at all
; not even a little bit ( me)
' good ' ( him)
' i sort of scare myself with you i think ' ( Him)
' ? ' ( me)
' why?' ( me)
' theres no limit' ( him)
' well, yeah there is ...
its just where it is
but there will be
somewhere ' ( me)
' going further, i think we need each other ' (him)

So you've found someone you really like, have a great emotional, physical and sexual connection with, and you're scared silly, so you keep pushing him away.

The BDSM, the other 'girlfriend' are both just red herrings, really.

What are you frightened of? That is won't work out? Well, that's the risk isn't it? Isn't it worth taking, if all the boxes are ticked?

Be brave, don't bottle out, just be honest with him. You don't have to declare undying love, just yet, but your willingness to see where this could go.

It'll take all the drama out of it, though.
Have a think about whether you are (even a little bit) enjoying that aspect of it. Nothing wrong with a bit of that now and again, but not as a long term option....

oh of course im enjoying that aspect of it... ! i might pretend im not - but i am.

Yes, the other things are probably red herrings.... beacuse if they were more important they would have actually got in the way. FOR THE BOTH OF US. ( not because i think im differnt and special, auntie!!!!)

Im going to just have to chance it arent it..... i think i think that if i admitt it out loud then it will be true and theres no going back then is there....... ( and thats what a messy divorce does to you i guess)

BDSM aside, it sounds to me as though you are addicted to sex with this guy and it doesn't matter how wrong you are for each other or how many other women he is seeing you will always have him back and he will come back as long as you allow him.

Also think you are afraid to admit to wanting and to ask for a commitment as you don't want to hear a negative answer.

I am speaking from experience so sorry if I sound harsh, BDSM aside.

i dont think im addicted to just the sex with him... im addicted to him full stop i think. We dont live all that close, we spend far more time not having sex that having it. We spend literally hours and hours a day either on the phone or on msn, or texting.

I thought maybe after thinking about everything today, that i woiuld just leave it up to him to contact me.... and he already has... 3x. If he wasnt really interested why would he?

I might be afraid of asking for commitment, but im not sure thats really what i want. I kind of like my life with just my dc's and we have been on our own for quite a while and i cant imagine it being any other way.

AUntie: What a load of old misinformed cock that was. Why shouldn't the OP feel that her relationship is special? Loads of really boring people feel the same about their heteronormative married monogamism. And what's with the stuff about 'ordinary' people having sex, are you saying that only the film-star beautiful are entitled to have unusual sex?

well said solid!!!... of course, i am film star beautiful in any case! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That post was a lot of rubbish though wasnt it.

Riven - but hes not, not really... i wont be seeing him until the week after next.... seems a lot of trouble to go when hes got to wait so long............

"And what's with the stuff about 'ordinary' people having sex, are you saying that only the film-star beautiful are entitled to have unusual sex"?

No - I was saying the complete opposite actually.