DH told me last night that he won't have another child, no negociation...

[BooHooo]

DH and I are happily married. He has children from a previous marriage whom he has, quite rightly, supported in every way and had constant contact with. They are adults now.

We have one DD age 3 and she is very loved and, well pampered really she has a great life. The thing is I am only now becoming really broody for another and last night I told him about it. He said his heart would but realistically at 55 he just can't take on the responsibility. He feels he would have to work longer, harder and wouldn't enjoy his later years in peace. He feels he has had enough children and it would be unfair at his age to take the plunge like he would have 20 yrs ago, So it is a resounding no really.

What he says makes sense but it hurts that I will never have another child. DD has been difficult healthwise with some hospitalisations and to be honest it is only now that she is healthy and eating well and getting older and more robust that I feel confident about dedicating my time to another newborn and it is too late I am 32 btw.

I don't want to pressure him into it. I suppose I am just sounding off really.

How many children does he have total?

Would you be willing to go out to work to help with the family finances, if that would make a difference to your dh's feelings? Am assuming from your post that you are currently a sahm.

I think this sort of thing is very much a discussion between couples - NOT something that is decided in one evening after one chat.

Don't turn it into a definitive thing after one conversation.

At 55 I really think he's taking the sensible course tbh. Hard for you and I totally understand why you feel the way you do but he probably feels it wouldn't be fair for him to have another child at his age. I think it's an issue that goes with age-gaps in relationships.

I agree that it's a conversation to be continued between you though, even if just for you both to air your views and then not change anything.

Thanks for your comments - will be back to post properly in a second x

I can understand his point of view but tbh wI do think he is being a teeny bit selfish. No one knows how long they have left in this world and if you were to become pregnant straight away would the 4 years of age difference between your dd and the new baby, really be that much?

I understand how you feel but my DH is the same age as your DH and out DCs are in their 20s. Today he was looking broodily ay some toddlers when we were out- I joked that he would have to find another younger woman...

but after some thought he said he couldn't imagine the sleepless nights and long years of parenting.

I think he is being realistic- children demand enormous energy and commitment. If you had another, your DH would be 73 when they were off to uni.

I know that celebs continue to father kids right into their 80s sometimes, but they have different financial resources and help.

I don't think age-gap marriages are an issue unless something like this crops up- and your DH does have another family, so it is reasonable for him to feel he has enough children. 23 years difference between i you is significant.

The other thing to consider is that you might get to an age when you want to do things together as a couple, without kids around, and if he has any more he will simply be an old man when that time comes.

My DH was 48 when we had DD2. I know it will make him an older father but he is loving, patient and kind. Much better IMO to have a loving daddy than an abusive/alcoholic/disinterested younger Daddy. Obviously i am biased . We made a decision though to have DD2 very soon after DD1 (21 month gap) as he did not want to be a father over 50, so i guess my DH would have some sympathy with your DH

I couldn't imagine DD1 being an 'only' (even though i thought we would only have one child before she was born ), so every sympathy to you too

All i can suggest is an open and honest discussion rather than one party sticking their head in the sand and dictating what will happen. It is not fair on you and i suspect you would come to resent it (and him)

Yes, I see he is being responsible in his thinking and I love him for it.

I really didn't think so far ahead as this when I met him, I just took each step as it came. Although he said last night he only ever thought to have one with me, no more.

I did go back to work after DD but her health has been a major issue and have resigned from 2 jobs since having her. YOu know what it's like you always think you are going to have a super healthy, great sleeper net time around but I suspect they would be like DD or worse maybe. Then there would be no way I could work, and we would feel the hit financially.

I suppose I need to come to terms with the fact that I will only have 1 child. I just need to be positive, this is my situation and I should be thankful I suppose it could be worse...

sazzles- I agree that older men can make good fathers, and tend to think very few men are mature enough to be a father until they are at least 30 and more like 35, but there is a big difference between 48 and 56 which is what the OP DH would be by the time any baby arrived.

Also, biologically, older fathers create a similar risk to older mothers when it comes to birth defects- worth bearing in mind.

Do they? Really? I had no idea about that...

Ds1 was 3 when I started going out of my mind wanting another. He had been an extremely diffcult baby, dh had by then turned 58 and it really didn't seem to make any sense at all for us to have another. (I was 40 btw)

Finally dh understood that it was very, very important to me to try for another. It was tearing me up inside not to get the chance and tbh I was starting to consider how to make it happen whether he agreed or not

So 6 months later I got pg with ds2 and he has been a wonderful addition to the family.

Sometimes the heart knows best.

purple - where is the evidence for what you have said?

If he has really decided he doesn't want another then you have to respect that. I suspect that at 55 he has definitely made up his mind. Now you have to come to terms that your DD will be your only one, which I can understand is hard. But better to know that your DH definitely wanted the child you have, rather than have more and always have a suspicion that he didn't really want the last one. Yes, sometimes men come round and realise they love the baby anyway, as jabberwocky said, but it's a big risk, and men don't have that immediate irrational hormone charge that bonds mothers and babies...

Btw it is true that the older a man is the higher the chance of fathering a baby with problems. The media usually concentrates on the mother's age but I've read that fathers' ages can be just as important a factor. I would say at 55 it is probably wise to decide not to have another for health reasons alone.

I do feel for you though.

I know Riven - that is how I feel in my more dark moments

My dad had a baby with his new wife aged 56, although they both absolutely adore her and she is wonderful in every way , their marriage is crumbling, his wife has lost sight of the fact that he is now 60 and cant cope in the same way, he is not as good a parent to her as he was to me, my step sister has less respect for him because her mum is doing all the parenting, I think your dh is showing foresight, it doesnt help you though, I am the same age as you and have 3dc and the broodieness has kicked in good and proper this year. I have a friend whose husband wouldnt have another child but did agree to her becoming a foster carer, he didnt mind having more kids in the house it was just the forever aspect of it.

But no one should agree to have a baby just to make someone else happy. It is better that he admits it and you know where you stand, than for you to have another baby and for him to resent both the baby and you That would be awful.

And I do sympathise with him re financial responsibility. If you are not going be working, then it falls solely on him and that can be very stressful, especially as he will be wanting to do the very best for you, DD and new sproglet.

Thank you all again ladies - it helps to talk it through like this.

I really don't want to be bitter about it - I have a good life. But I just want another..I am sure it will pass eventually..

he is not being unfair in any way, as most people are saying, for all of the right reasons re happiness, health and finance.
The flip side to riven's point is that 'she married an older man and must realise that he would not want to do the new-born thing later in laife', etc.

'later in life' as an alternative...

But when he has agreed to one child his wife would think there is no reason to think there wouldn't be another. Seems to me he didn't tell her he only planned on one more.

Well if they agreed to have 2 or 3 beforehand then that's one thing, but if not I don't think you can expect someone to automatically agree to another child just because they had one already. Plus he has older children.