DH told me last night that he won't have another child, no negociation...

[BooHooo]

DH and I are happily married. He has children from a previous marriage whom he has, quite rightly, supported in every way and had constant contact with. They are adults now.

We have one DD age 3 and she is very loved and, well pampered really she has a great life. The thing is I am only now becoming really broody for another and last night I told him about it. He said his heart would but realistically at 55 he just can't take on the responsibility. He feels he would have to work longer, harder and wouldn't enjoy his later years in peace. He feels he has had enough children and it would be unfair at his age to take the plunge like he would have 20 yrs ago, So it is a resounding no really.

What he says makes sense but it hurts that I will never have another child. DD has been difficult healthwise with some hospitalisations and to be honest it is only now that she is healthy and eating well and getting older and more robust that I feel confident about dedicating my time to another newborn and it is too late I am 32 btw.

I don't want to pressure him into it. I suppose I am just sounding off really.

[InMyLittleHead]

But that's what your dad wanted, Riven. There's nothing wrong with being an only child. If he gives in and has a child he didn't really want, it opens up the possibility for all kinds of issues which could wreck the entire relationship.

[InMyLittleHead]

Everyone should have a choice.

[Missus84]

I really feel for you OP, but I think your DH is right.

Awful as it is to not have another child when you want one, I think it must be worse to have another child when you don't want one.

[Missus84]

"Is it fair for the child to be an only?"

I have two siblings and tend to think like this Riven, but my DP is an only child and had a perfectly happy childhood and one be quite happy only to have one child. I don't think only children necessarily miss out on anything.

[diddl]

It is very difficult for you.
Did you discuss it previously?
Try to be happy with what you have, and not sad for what you haven´t.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

This is one of those situation where there is no compromise as you can't have half a baby.

I wanted another baby, DH didn't but his argument for not was better than mine for, so he won.

[InMyLittleHead]

Unfortunately, if two people in a relationship have different ideas about the ideal re children, then one of them is going to be disappointed/unhappy. I agree with Missus - it's worse to have a child and not want it than not have a child when you want it.

[InMyLittleHead]

That's very Riven

[purplepeony]

Fab- re. birth defects - you would have to google- I don't have it at my finger tips, but I have read on more than 1 occasion that birth defects ( eg Downs etc) are also linked to the man.

[purplepeony]

Riven- this child is not an only child- there are step siblings.

[InMyLittleHead]

I'm an only child, and I do sometimes worry about being responsible for elderly parents. But there are lots of positives to being an only child if your parents' relationship is secure. Plus the OPs DD has half-siblings who are older.

[Missus84]

I've read that as well purplepeony - and I think autism has been linked to father's age too?

[purplepeony]

Riven- chromosonal abnormalities.

[purplepeony]

Thanks missus84- I am not inventing it- but you need to research on the web for the precise facts.

[InMyLittleHead]

I think 'birth defects' means problems that are apparent from birth, as they have started in utero, rather than problems resulting from the birth itself.

Yes sperm is being made constantly, so the older a man is the less effectively it is made (as all biological functions decline with age).

Paternal age also has an impact on infertility and the likelihood of miscarriage if an egg is fertilised (presumably due to the chromosonal abnormalities)

[purplepeony]

www.mothers35plus.co.uk/older-fathers.htm

This is one piece of research but there are many more.

I did not intend this to be an emotive topic- I was giving the facts as I have read them.

What anyone does with that knowledge is a personal decision, just as is weighing up the pros and cons of a pregnancy is you are over 40 as a mother.

[SleighGirl]

I think your dh is being very unfair to both you and your dd. Adult half siblings aren't the same at all - they are actually more like aunts and uncles in this kind of dynamic.

With such a large age gap between you and your dh is the reality that you will be left with the children to bring up on your own as potentially he could become elderly/infirm/die whilst your child(ren) is young.

I think if you are prepared to do the bulk of the parenting and work for financialy stability then following the heart is the right thing to do. How are things financially would you be able to afford not to rely on your dh to be hands on/working full time etc etc Have you got family support so you can have holidays without children etc

[geordieminx]

Nothing more to add than has already been said, but just wanted to say I know where you are with this.

I'm 28, my dh is 46, he has 2 (almost) grown-up children from his first marriage, and we have ds 2.5. I would love another, but he doesnt. We have talked about it, we agreed to discuss and decide in the new year, I reckon that I could persuade him to have another one, but then its at the back of my mind that if we/he regretted it, it would always fall onto my shoulders IYKWIM? We have no family near by, so have 24/7 responsibility for ds, it hasnt been an easy couple of years - although we are lucky that he hasnt had any major problems - just a lousy sleeper.

We are getting to a stage in our lives where we are on an even keel, and that we can do a lot more things with ds, and having another would put us back to square one. Dh would be getting on for 70 by the time the second one was grown up

FWIW he is an amazing dad, and is usually found rolling around on the floor playing tickle fights but I know that he does get tired sometimes - especially the mornings when he is off to work at 8am, having been up 3 or 4 times during the night.

I dont have the answer for you or me. Its so hard, although someone once said to me you will never regret a child that you have had. (although I think my mum might have done on more than one occasion )